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Original poster

My toxic brother has asked my 18-yr-old to be executor to his will

44 replies

TooToxic · 14/01/2022 04:34

My family is toxic and I am NC with my father. I was abused as a child. Mum died when I was 21 and DB was 16.

I’m in low contact with my brother who is as he sides with my dad. Sadly he’s turning out to be abusive and nasty himself & I pulled him up on it at Christmas. He’s divorced and how he parents his 2 little DDs is awful. We fell out & I decided we should limit our contact further.

Since then, he has secretly contacted my 18 year old DD and asked her to be executor to his will. She is at university. She agreed to do it, but on gentle enquiry, doesn’t really understand what it entails.

How can I manage this, please? I am so boiled up inside, I can’t function.

I texted my exh and asked him for moral support. Whilst DD is mature and sensible, I think it’s a highly inappropriate thing to ask a young person to do. He had previously asked me to do it, but he’s had to change his will lately due to splitting with a partner & selling the house they bought together.

My DD is naive to what the task could entail. There could be complicated tax affairs & complications about the care of my 2 nieces. The way in which this has been done, to undermine me (and given the history, I am not misinterpreting that) is highly upsetting to me.

I think he may have some personality problems. He refuses any counselling or therapy to help him with his complicated grief response around our mother’s death, 25 years ago. This is to give context. He plays the victim in every walk of life, still posting stuff about her on Instagram, etc. While, in a way, he “is” the victim, I’m not happy about how he uses this to excuses a catalogue of bad & toxic behaviours, including this. He has also undermined my parenting decisions with my other child.

He has had cancer twice, and naturally I’m highly sorry for him & wish him a long life, but to involve my family in his affairs in this way is upsetting.

Does anyone have any ideas, please? Shall I ignore him? Or should I talk with him about it?

OP posts:

TheReluctantPhoenix · 14/01/2022 07:48

You don’t need to be in the same country to be an executor, it is easy to do remotely.

And you can just appoint a process executor to work with you and let them do all the work.

All it would require is a few ‘electronic signatures’ from time to time.

Or you can decline to be executor.

I would not do anything at all.

TheReluctantPhoenix · 14/01/2022 07:48

Professional not process!

Chasingsquirrels · 14/01/2022 07:49

She doesn't even need to agree (or not) to it, and there is nothing to do at this point as a consequence.
He writes his will and puts in it whatever he wants, that's a personal matter and he tells (or doesn't) people what's in it.
At some point in the future he dies - only at that point does she have to make any decisions about whether she acts. And then he's dead, so he can't influence her.

Soontobe60 · 14/01/2022 07:49

Op, you’re far too emotionally involved in this. Just leave him to it! When the time comes and your brother dies, 3 things could happen. He may have made a new will where your dd isn’t the executor, she may be older, wiser and more able to take on the role or finally she may well turn round and say she is no longer able to be the executor. There’s really no need to feel so anxious about any of this.
If this has been done to wind you up, he’s succeeded. Take back control and ignore it.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 14/01/2022 07:56

@GeorgiaGirl52

Why not just leave it alone? If he lives a long life, he will either rewrite his will or your DD will be mature enough to handle the paperwork. If he lives a short life, your DD can either (a) decline the position or (b) ask you for help with the paperwork. This will give you access to your nieces and perhaps you can then foster them or help choose a stable family.

This. Just ignore the whole thing.

Original poster

TooToxic · 14/01/2022 08:02

@Soontobe60

Op, you’re far too emotionally involved in this. Just leave him to it! When the time comes and your brother dies, 3 things could happen. He may have made a new will where your dd isn’t the executor, she may be older, wiser and more able to take on the role or finally she may well turn round and say she is no longer able to be the executor. There’s really no need to feel so anxious about any of this. If this has been done to wind you up, he’s succeeded. Take back control and ignore it.

Of course I am! I’ve gone NC with most of my family for their evil, toxic ways which include sex abuse. I don’t want them sniffing around my kids!

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 14/01/2022 08:10

I’ve texted exh. Maybe he could inform DD & discuss these inappropriate nature of this with my DB. Neither of us wants more toes than necessary with my toxic family. It is in my role to protect my daughter from these toxic politics.

Your exDH discussing with his DD the implications of being an executor is a good idea. He can explain what it entails and that she’s NOT OBLIGED to do it when the time comes, either morally or legally, if she doesn’t want to for any reason.

Him getting in touch with your brother to talk about “the inappropriate nature” of this request for her to be executor is a bad idea.

Your brother will know it’s got to you, he’ll see your exH as the proxy you, that his tactics are working. It also gives him ammunition and impetus to manipulate your DD further “I hear your parents are unhappy, your mum has always… etc etc”

I was also thinking of somehow raising awareness in my DD of what this entails: making tax decisions, estate, care of her cousins. She is totally unaware. Could be a useful life lesson, too.

Detach. You must detach.

You don’t seem to have taken on board the vital point that she does not have to do or understand any of these things if it is not convenient or practical at the time.

Newgirls · 14/01/2022 08:14

He sounds like he’s fishing her in - triangulation as mentioned above. I think you will need to have a calm, non emotional conversation with your daughter about it how she can say she isn’t ready for that or whatever she chooses to say.

I agree secrets are toxic in this sort of situation. Your instincts are right.

AtillatheHun · 14/01/2022 08:15

Do nothing. Your daughter can do nothing. I could name Timmy Mallett as my executor - does t mean he will actually do it. It’s hardly an immediate pressing issue while your brother is alive and you’re giving it too much thought. Let him do what he wants - engaging with it is what gives him the power.

Snailhaterz2 · 14/01/2022 08:30

I'm an executor for one of my aunts, and it will be a right pain when she dies as its a complicated will and her affairs are likely to be in a muddle. I can't even remember when I was asked or who asked me - it definitely wouldn't have been her, as we've had no relationship in the last 20-30 years - she didn't even attend my Dad's (her brother's) funeral. So, what I'm saying is that being an executor really doesn't mean there has to be a relationship with the person when they're alive.

Newgirls · 14/01/2022 08:34

The issue though is that the brother is trying to fish in the daughter? What’s next? An invite to the nieces party, or a visit to uni? Is the 18 year old ok with this family dynamic?

PrtScn · 14/01/2022 08:35

Pretty sure she doesn’t have to sign anything. As others have said she doesn’t have to go ahead. My mother was executor on my grandmothers will, but when it was clear she was struggling to do it, I was given authority to act on her behalf. Your DD can decline at any point.

PaterPower · 14/01/2022 08:38

There must be loads of free resources on the web which describe what an executor does. I’d not try and talk DD out of it - just send her a link to something that lays out what she’d be expected to do as his executor…

…and then trust her to make an adult decision about it (which might include still agreeing to it). It’s not something worth falling out with your DD about.

NoSquirrels · 14/01/2022 08:38

@Newgirls

I agree secrets are toxic in this sort of situation. Your instincts are right.

I agree he’s fishing her in.

But if the OP gets her exH to talk to him it will provoke the drama.

It also gives him an opening to day to the newly adult DD “your parents clearly don’t trust you” etc.

Best thing OP can do is make sure her DD understands that she can say no to anything uncomfortable and that despite being LC with her brother that doesn’t mean she isn’t available to discuss or support her DD in decisions like this.

OP, does your DD know your family history?

RedWingBoots · 14/01/2022 08:49

@museumum

As long as your dd understands that when the time comes she doesn’t actually have to do it then I honestly think the best thing is just to ignore this. Maybe he is trying to control /provoke you but I would still just ignore it for now and when he does support your dd.

This.

Average life expectancy of a man in the UK is 79 so unless he's in poor health he is trying to wind you up.

Also worth discussing with your young adult DD that abuse comes in many forms and why you aren't in contact with your various relations.

MagentaRocks · 14/01/2022 09:11

I know she is an adult but to do it behind the ops back isn’t on as she is so young. I recently asked my 18 year old nephew to be one of the executors of our will. I spoke to my brother first and asked him what he thought and he was happy with it and mentioned it to my nephew before I did. My nephew is very very sensible and I have no doubt that even if the worst happened soon he would be able to do it with a little help from his Dad.

I don’t think it is right to be pressuring someone though. The reason I asked my brother first was to get his opinion and so he could speak to my nephew and let me know if it wasn’t something he was happy with before I spoke to him.

LessTime · 14/01/2022 09:12

I would leave it be. I'm sure he isn't planning to die soon so your DD will be a proper adult by the time he does.

HunkyPunk · 14/01/2022 09:20

It sometimes surprises me on here, how much contact there can still be between family members in families where extreme toxicity has been a feature.

My adult dc have 3 uncles and an aunt (dh’s siblings) and have a perfectly cordial relationship when they meet (not often, now) and there is no history of abuse or toxicity, we get on well with them all, but I’d be astonished if there was any direct contact between them except for ‘thank you’ messages. I don’t think any of the uncles/aunt would even have their current addresses/phone details. We seem to be more lc than some families which would have reason to be!

I would just be honest with your dd about your misgivings about your db’s motives (reeling her in to wind you up etc.), let her know that she isn’t obliged to fulfil the commitment she’s agreed to, if she doesn’t feel able, when the time comes, and then try to let the matter lie. If you’re right about your brother’s motives, further engagement is just what he wants. I would adopt the ‘forewarned is forearmed’ approach with your dd, but she has to make her own decisions.

pickingdaisies · 14/01/2022 09:36

Does your DD know about the family history, and why you are NC with your family? Because surely if she knew how they have treated you she would not agree to help your dB in any way. She's an adult, you are not protecting her by not telling her. If it's too difficult for you, maybe your exh can put her in the picture.

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