Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How would you interpret this comment from a neighbour?

65 replies

sadpapercourtesan · 13/01/2022 12:10

Invited for drinks by new neighbours. They're from South Africa, very cordial and friendly. There's a discussion (with other guests, also from SA) about how difficult things are in SA post-apartheid. Neighbour comments: "I'm not racist; I love white people" and people laugh.

What would you make of that?

OP posts:
Hemingwayzcatz · 13/01/2022 12:44

My ex is South African, lots of white South African’s are racist as fuck. His whole family was, I heard lots of ‘jokes’ about ‘the blacks’ and other racist slurs I don’t want to repeat. Lots of white people in SA think they’re above black people and honestly view black people as akin to dogs, they possibly even respect dogs more.

This was very obviously a racist joke, I wouldn’t invite them round again.

Outlyingtrout · 13/01/2022 12:48

It takes some mental gymnastics to imagine that this was not a racist comment. I wouldn’t socialise with any of them again.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 13/01/2022 12:49

Yeah, I thought it was a long shot.

The only SA person I've ever met was openly racist, too.

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 13/01/2022 12:49

(Also white)

HeatonGrove · 13/01/2022 12:50

We are all the product of the time and environment in which we have grown up. Most of us would be very different people with very different attitudes if we had been raised in another country or at a different time.

Given that you are going to be living next door to these people, why not find an opportunity to have a chat with them at some stage about different social mores in UK? They might find it helpful.

And while you are perhaps right to conclude that they hold racist attitudes, some might conclude that your own comments on their lack of intellectual ability are disablist. Or maybe they are just the kind of throw away remark that may pass/be considered amusing in certain contexts?

Wandawide · 13/01/2022 12:52

Does it matter? One casual remark in a social and relaxed setting with alcohol. By itself is to my mind irrelevant.
They are new neighbours, see how they develop and fit in.
Remember it is by our actions that we show what kind of humans we really are.
Too many people looking for perfection in others and an excuse to be negative. (You must be related to my late Mother).

amusedbush · 13/01/2022 12:53

Based on what you’ve said here, my immediate thought is that it’s racist. I can’t think of any way to paint that comment in a good light.

amusedbush · 13/01/2022 12:54

@Wandawide

Does it matter? One casual remark in a social and relaxed setting with alcohol. By itself is to my mind irrelevant. They are new neighbours, see how they develop and fit in. Remember it is by our actions that we show what kind of humans we really are. Too many people looking for perfection in others and an excuse to be negative. (You must be related to my late Mother).
I don’t think not wanting to associate with racists is ‘looking for perfection’ Confused
Original poster
sadpapercourtesan · 13/01/2022 12:54

@Wandawide I would say that it matters, yes. I'm not finding fault with their curtains. Racism is a line in the sand for most people, surely?

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 13/01/2022 12:57

@Wandawide

Does it matter? One casual remark in a social and relaxed setting with alcohol. By itself is to my mind irrelevant. They are new neighbours, see how they develop and fit in. Remember it is by our actions that we show what kind of humans we really are. Too many people looking for perfection in others and an excuse to be negative. (You must be related to my late Mother).
I’m fairly sure that not wanting to become friends with racists isn’t looking for perfection!

Wow!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 13/01/2022 12:58

@Wandawide

Does it matter? One casual remark in a social and relaxed setting with alcohol. By itself is to my mind irrelevant. They are new neighbours, see how they develop and fit in. Remember it is by our actions that we show what kind of humans we really are. Too many people looking for perfection in others and an excuse to be negative. (You must be related to my late Mother).
It really depends on how much racism you're willing to accept. Most decent people (imo) regard any intentional and overt racism as unacceptable, rather than just an adorable quirk.
ClafoutisSurprise · 13/01/2022 12:59

On first reading this my go-to interpretation was that this was a self-aware joke that just isn’t all that funny. I don’t think it requires mental gymnastics to read it that way - I know plenty of white people who seem to be ashamed of or apologetic about being white. Could be something relating to that.

So I couldn’t write the neighbour off on the basis of that comment alone. But it is odd and ambiguous, so I’d definitely be on the alert for other comments.

BobbieT1999 · 13/01/2022 12:59

I was of @JesusInTheCabbageVan opinion and would suggest giving them a 2nd chance to determine bad/obscure joke vs racism. But if you're fairly certain it was the latter then I wouldn't bother, who wants to associate with racists?

EmpressSuiko · 13/01/2022 12:59

I know many South Africans who wouldn’t make a joke about that but I’m not surprised by it.
There is still a big divide in South Africa and unless you have experienced living there it’s difficult for us in England to fully understand the situation and the lived experiences everyone has there, trust me, it’s a massive cutler shock compared to how we live here.
There’s still a lot of places you don’t go if you are white, especially alone as it won’t end well.
People need to take a lot of precautions around their safety that we wouldn’t think twice about in most places here and there’s still prejudice and tension on both sides, some people still prefer to stick to their own communities to feel safe due to the crime rates and violence.
It’s a horrible situation all around and the government has not helped improve it for either side.
It is a beautiful country though and obviously this isn’t the situation everywhere but it’s still a huge issue out there.

ouchyoubiteybugger · 13/01/2022 13:00

I made friends with a couple from SA
And a comment was made i found racist and i called them on it. They then explained their point of view, they way they were brought up and also the violence inflicted on them i will also state she was a RN on a ward helping people when 3 black men came and shot 6 of those in her care and beat her badly. I still don't agree with their views but i do understand it and as they are nearly 70 with a black daughter in law they adore i would say i think they are less racist then they think

ThePlantsitter · 13/01/2022 13:01

For me it's the shared joke with other SA people who also laughed that is really horrible, because it's like identifying themselves to each other as people it's safe to talk like that with. The assumption that I was such a person (or lack of care that I wasn't) would piss me off almost as much as the comment itself. Either make it clear somehow that you are NOT a safe person to say things like that to or avoid until they prove themselves not to be racist twats is my advice.

Wallawallakoala · 13/01/2022 13:02

Yeah... That's racist and would make me uncomfortable.

I don't know how this will sound but I'll risk it... I worked with a South African who openly said that south African's humour is very different to ours. The thing is this was used in defense to a disciplinary soo...

Original poster
sadpapercourtesan · 13/01/2022 13:03

@ThePlantsitter yes, that's exactly why it got under my skin. I feel like we were being sounded out. I wish I had said something.

OP posts:
EmpressSuiko · 13/01/2022 13:03

Oh and I want to make it clear I am not defending the joke but just trying to explain where it comes from! I’ve been to South Africa several times and I still takes me off guard when someone makes a comment like this as it seems almost normal out there in some circles and it can also be a generational thing.

Wallawallakoala · 13/01/2022 13:04

Oh god I didn't mean "ours" this is what he said sorry. He said very different to british humour. I don't see this as an excuse

Mumbean12 · 13/01/2022 13:06

They are racist and it’s a tasteless “joke”. It makes me really sad and cross when I hear/read this stuff - I am from South Africa and actively avoid socialising with South African’s I don’t know, for this reason. I would like to think that more white South Africans aren’t racist, but unfortunately it doesn’t appear so. Sad

waterlego · 13/01/2022 13:09

I don’t claim to know much about SA or its people, but I have met some white South Africans in the UK who have said some things about race that took me by surprise, because they are- generally speaking- not the sort of attitudes you would expect to hear here (not out loud in a normal social situation at any rate). My response has been to quietly distance myself from the person as I don’t find racism acceptable, regardless of context or previous life experiences.

anotherbloodyyearofcovid · 13/01/2022 13:10

Reads as a facetious comment on their part, and a dig at non whites, so racist.

Totalwasteofpaper · 13/01/2022 13:10

Ah I don’t know…

I work with a lot of SAers of both races (prob about 50/50 mix black/Asian and white)

Having also gone out there for work more than once, it’s a complex environment brits cannot understand - Joberg is utterly bananas. I have no words but don’t know how people live like that. Cape Town is Better but still shocking elements vs Uk living.

The things that were crazzzzy nonPC and most shocked me have been said by non whites about other blacks.
While I doubt this is true in aggregate but it’s been my experience in a global biz context (with socialising outside work hours)

In terms of this situation
I couldn’t find that joke funny (because it’s not) but also wouldn’t get too excited…

They may just have social anxiety and have blurted it out stupidly…they may be racist but ultimately they aren’t marrying your mother… you just need to rub along 3 times a year for approx 30 seconds

Tldr: I wouldn’t write them off but would prob keep a friendly distance…

gsaoej · 13/01/2022 13:12

Racist or not, falling out with neighbours is an absolute no-no that can make your everyday life extraordinarily miserable.

If they are racist, don’t be their friend. But you do need to be polite. Neighbour fallings out are the worst - your only way out is moving house!

I say hi to my neighbours and will occasionally have a brief chat. That’s it. I don’t concern myself with their views on anything - social, political or anything - nope.