Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

What's the difference between a close friendship and an emotional affair?

38 replies

FreshandLively · 12/01/2022 13:45

I have a friend I can talk to about "anything". That's a good thing generally, it helps to talk over worries and relationship issues with someone not directly involved.

My friend has recently shared some things about his marriage that I know I wouldn't be happy if DH was telling another woman, ut I'd be pleased if he was seeking help from a male friend. The kinds of things I might talk to my closest female friend or my sister about.

It was very much "I don't know how to fix this" rather than things would be better if I was with you, which has never, ever happened, but it still makes me a bit uncomfortable to think about how his DW would feel if she knew.

We first became friends when we worked together in an all male environment and he seemed like the "safe" one because he was such a devoted husband and father, but I'm aware they've had some rocky times recently, which I'm certain are nothing to do with me, but I don't want to become part of the problem.

What is the difference with sharing feelings in the way I would with my BFF or my sister and an emotional affair?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/01/2022 13:50

The difference is whether someone would hide their messages and the fact they are messaging from their partner. It's the secrecy that stops it being a friendship.

Dozer · 12/01/2022 13:52

Sounds like you’ve already ‘crossed the line’. Not appropriate to have discussed your marriage issues.

Original poster
FreshandLively · 12/01/2022 13:52

@HollowTalk

The difference is whether someone would hide their messages and the fact they are messaging from their partner. It's the secrecy that stops it being a friendship.
Yes. I'm sure his DW knows we're in touch, but I doubt she knows everything we discuss. But then I wouldn't tell DH all the details of a deep conversation with my sister either.
OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
FreshandLively · 12/01/2022 13:52

@Dozer

Sounds like you’ve already ‘crossed the line’. Not appropriate to have discussed your marriage issues.
You don't discuss you relationship with anyone outside the relationship?
OP posts:
Frogsonglue · 12/01/2022 13:58

I think it's about the level of emotional energy you're putting into the friendship, and whether that's taking energy away from your relationship. And it's also about The Feelings - does hearing from the friend give you that tingle that you don't get from other friends? We all know what those feelings mean but it's quite easy to convince yourself they aren't there.

I don't think there's anything wrong with discussing personal things, including marriage issues, if neither of the above apply.

Thelnebriati · 12/01/2022 13:59

Its the fact he needs to keep it secret, plus 'am I just letting off steam or does this problem need professional help?'
If its something you need to sort out then you talk to a therapist, because your friends arent qualified.

Poppins2016 · 12/01/2022 14:00

@Dozer

Sounds like you’ve already ‘crossed the line’. Not appropriate to have discussed your marriage issues.
I don't think discussing marital issues with someone of the opposite sex is automatically crossing a line. DH and I are close friends with another couple and we've all confided in each other at various points along the years but in a truly platonic, almost sibling like manner.
Eustonhalf · 12/01/2022 14:00

If you wouldn't like to be in her position i think you're letting yourself down.

pumpkinpie01 · 12/01/2022 14:01

It's about feelings . I have had a male friend for about 30 years , if he has an argument with his wife he is more likely to ask me for advice than a male friend as he would want a female perspective plus we see each other a lot ( work together ) . It's not an emotional affair as we are friends , nothing more.

crochetmonkey74 · 12/01/2022 14:03

My friend has recently shared some things about his marriage that I know I wouldn't be happy if DH was telling another woman

This sums it up- you are letting another woman be treated in a way you wouldn't allow yourself to be- not a good sign.

Original poster
FreshandLively · 12/01/2022 14:04

@Thelnebriati

Its the fact he needs to keep it secret, plus 'am I just letting off steam or does this problem need professional help?' If its something you need to sort out then you talk to a therapist, because your friends arent qualified.
It's not consciously a secret, hell known we talked, but I wouldn't tell DH olthe detail of what I'd been taking to my sister about. Ouodn anyone?

I think very few people are in a position to seek professional help with every issue they might discuss with friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
FreshandLively · 12/01/2022 14:06

@crochetmonkey74

My friend has recently shared some things about his marriage that I know I wouldn't be happy if DH was telling another woman

This sums it up- you are letting another woman be treated in a way you wouldn't allow yourself to be- not a good sign.

Yes, thats why I'm here, but I wouldn't object to DH talking to a male friend in this way and if men and women can be friends, what's the difference?
OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 12/01/2022 14:08

I don't think it sounds like you've crossed a line in the least.
I have two very dear and close (female) friends with whom I shared information about problems in my marriage.
It sounds very much like he appreciates you and your advice.
I know, none of us want our significant others sharing our shit, so to speak, but honestly, when a marriage isn't doing well, people start sharing. I never really spoke about my marriage until it began to really go into that place where the cracks were popping up, whac-a-mole style. I wasn't just moaning for the sake of it.
Sounds like your friend is just talking to his good and wise friend, you, and hoping that he can resolve issues in his marriage.

I think you'd really know if lines were being crossed.
Still, there's a small part of me that thinks, "You're asking the question fresh. Is your gut telling you something?"

I always think you sort of have to listen to your inner voice. What's yours saying?

Mumoblue · 12/01/2022 14:10

General rule of thumb: if you or he is doing or saying something they wouldn’t do/say in front of your spouses, a line has been crossed.

Original poster
FreshandLively · 12/01/2022 14:11

@Mumoblue

General rule of thumb: if you or he is doing or saying something they wouldn’t do/say in front of your spouses, a line has been crossed.
I don't disagree except that there are conversations I have with friends that I wouldn't have in front of DH.
OP posts:
Original poster
FreshandLively · 12/01/2022 14:13

I think you'd really know if lines were being crossed.
Still, there's a small part of me that thinks, "You're asking the question fresh. Is your gut telling you something?"
I always think you sort of have to listen to your inner voice. What's yours saying?

Yes this has crossed my mind too. It's not that I'm concerned there actually is a problem, more that it could look like there's a problem iyswim.

OP posts:
RoseMartha · 12/01/2022 14:13

My exh had many emotional affairs sometimes more than 1 at a time.

From the perspective of the person not having the affair while my exh carried on with other women, i would say it crosses the line when you are speaking to them more than your oh.

I would not have had an issue with the topic of conversation being about the woman having marital problems and discussing that.

What I did have an issue with was the lying in general. The sexting that went on and when one became a full affair the denial from him and telling me I was crazy and imagining it. When myself and the dh of the ow knew the truth.

So I think it boils down to how long each day you chat and does that impact your relationship with your dh and how honest you are with you dh and no sexting.

Original poster
FreshandLively · 12/01/2022 14:16

,From the perspective of the person not having the affair while my exh carried on with other women, i would say it crosses the line when you are speaking to them more than your oh.

That's definitely not the case. I see him about once a month and we're only in touch in-between if something happens (very rare) or to make arrangements to meet.

There is definitely nothing even remotely close to sexting.

OP posts:
Alisae · 12/01/2022 14:17

Yes, thats why I'm here, but I wouldn't object to DH talking to a male friend in this way and if men and women can be friends, what's the difference?

I think it is a bit disingenuous when people say there is absolutely no difference. There just is, it’s the reason you wouldn’t want your husband to discuss that sort of thing with another woman, but wouldn’t mind if it was a man.

Saying that, I’m not saying men and women CAN’T be friends, I have friends of the opposite sex (from university and work mainly)

But it is different to same sex friendships for me. There are certain invisible boundaries that need to always be kept in mind to maintain a healthy, non marriage wrecking, close friendship.

Stiffcondomhat · 12/01/2022 14:26

Interested to read these replies. I have a new friend who is very nice to me but also to dh. I don't think she acts any differently around him than with me but, she's just very open and friendly but it feels a bit of that they've had cosy chats.

SarahovWelby · 12/01/2022 14:36

OP you have obviously given the impression to this male friend that no topic is out of bounds including his marital problems. You need to back away. It is his DW he should be talking to not a work colleague of the opposite sex. His wife would be horrified I expect to know he was betraying her in this way.

crochetmonkey74 · 12/01/2022 14:52

I have a close male friend and this never crosses my mind- trust your gut- if you are wondering about it- there is probably the germ of an issue

crochetmonkey74 · 12/01/2022 14:56

Yes, thats why I'm here, but I wouldn't object to DH talking to a male friend in this way and if men and women can be friends, what's the difference?
The difference is that most men consider their female partner to be their closest and most intimate friend. If another woman comes along, and there are secrets between them it is sort of pushing the partner out. I know men share secrets with male friends too, but for straight men, they are unlikely to fall in love with that person

MrMrsJones · 12/01/2022 14:59

I think the difference is:

I had an argument with my wife last night, I'm not sure what to say to fix it, what do you think?

Verses

I had an argument with my wife last night, you would never treat me like that, your just so lovely!

AuntieStella · 12/01/2022 15:03

Yes. I'm sure his DW knows we're in touch, but I doubt she knows everything we discuss

He's crossed a line then, and your instinct that this is wrong is correct.

You are no longer comfortable with this level of intimacy, so you need to change the subject (helpfully perhaps, by saying that's the sort of thing he should take to a counsellor). But if he doesn't respect your boundaries, pull back. See him only in company until his oversharing is very much past history

Swipe left for the next trending thread