What's the difference between a close friendship and an emotional affair?

[FreshandLively]

I have a friend I can talk to about "anything". That's a good thing generally, it helps to talk over worries and relationship issues with someone not directly involved.

My friend has recently shared some things about his marriage that I know I wouldn't be happy if DH was telling another woman, ut I'd be pleased if he was seeking help from a male friend. The kinds of things I might talk to my closest female friend or my sister about.

It was very much "I don't know how to fix this" rather than things would be better if I was with you, which has never, ever happened, but it still makes me a bit uncomfortable to think about how his DW would feel if she knew.

We first became friends when we worked together in an all male environment and he seemed like the "safe" one because he was such a devoted husband and father, but I'm aware they've had some rocky times recently, which I'm certain are nothing to do with me, but I don't want to become part of the problem.

What is the difference with sharing feelings in the way I would with my BFF or my sister and an emotional affair?

Also, if you know his wife wouldn't like it- why are you still doing it?

Not only HIS marital issues, OP’s.

No, I wouldn’t discuss any issues in my marriage with a straight friend of the opposite sex!

Or indeed a gay friend of the opposite sex.

@MrMrsJones

I think the difference is:

I had an argument with my wife last night, I'm not sure what to say to fix it, what do you think?

Verses

I had an argument with my wife last night, you would never treat me like that, your just so lovely!

Definitely, definitely the first and I told him he was in the wrong!

@crochetmonkey74

Also, if you know his wife wouldn't like it- why are you still doing it?

I'm not "still" doing it, it happened once and I'm questioning it.

@SarahovWelby

OP you have obviously given the impression to this male friend that no topic is out of bounds including his marital problems. You need to back away. It is his DW he should be talking to not a work colleague of the opposite sex. His wife would be horrified I expect to know he was betraying her in this way.

I don't know that it's that I've "given an impression" we've know each other forever and have in the past nealry three decades discussed concerns such as toilet training, teenagers' behaviour, problems with elderly parents and career issues. It's just that this the current issue

My ex definitely had an emotional affair, though he was and still is in denial about it. Adamant it's just a friendship even now, when he's single and I couldn't care less. It was the final straw for me after a long line of issues including financial and emotional abuse. The boundary for me was not necessarily what they discussed, though I'm sure our private marital issues were talked about which I hate the thought of, it was the fact he was putting so much time and energy into talking to her and did not talk to me whatsoever. They'd get online and game all night together, chatting away constantly, and that was the focus of his whole day. He'd probably text her throughout work arrange gaming sessions, then his focus would be to want to get home to get online with her, rather than spending any time at all with his wife and family. At one point he showed me texts between them, in an attempt to prove there was nothing going on and there were definitely flirty vibes on her side which he'd sometimes not pick up on and sometimes come back to with what he classed as 'banter' (I would say flirting!) so it was obvious to me it was going somewhere.

I do think it's hard to define, but if there's no flirting and it's not taking up the majority of your time and you have otherwise healthy and balanced relationships with your SOs then it's a friendship. Would you be happy with your SOs overhearing the convo or reading the texts? If so it's probably fine. If you're discussing intimate things then there's always potential to begin thinking this friend understands you better than your SO and I guess feelings can grow from there. But I do think as well it's probably different for every situation and you know in your gut if you are both crossing lines.

If its the first one, then I don't see a problem, if it's the second one then he is looking for an affair

I think it's probably OK, but make sure you are being "a friend to the marriage", rather than undermining it, and never, ever say anything to him that you wouldn't want his wife to hear.

I agree with MrMrsJones, especially given how long you've been friends for. Just worth keeping a gentle eye that it doesn't change tone.

I don't know that it's that I've "given an impression"

I think you have, in the sense that everything has been OK so far

we've know each other forever and have in the past nealry three decades discussed concerns such as toilet training, teenagers' behaviour, problems with elderly parents and career issues

All of which is fine

It's just that this the current issue

And it's one that has crossed a boundary for you. You are clearly uncomfortable with this, so uphold your boundary. He can find support, if he wants it, elsewhere. Stick to generalities

I think an emotional affair would have messaged with lots of heart/kiss emojis and ‘miss you’ type stuff. I don’t think it’s what is happening here at all.
Men always seem to talk to their female friends about relationship issues, I don’t know why they think we want to know!
You’re perfectly within your rights to shut it down if you’re not comfortable with it.

I would be frothing with rage if I discovered my husband had spoken about me to a work colleague - and I can imagine this as my husband does have female friends at work. It is totally and utterly inappropriate and you clearly feel uncomfortable - back off.