Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Bullying at School

42 replies

concernparent5 · 12/01/2022 11:58

My daughter goes to a primary private school. Recently she has been bullied ranging from being pushed to being told you cannot play with them. Also laughed and being made fun if she makes a mistake in a sports lesson
As a result she has lost her confidence in her studies, sports that she loves. We have discussed with the school but not much luck there. They have not done much to address the issues. Unfortunately my daughter is sensitive and she gets very upset at these incidents. It is a specific girl and sidekick that is picking on her.
I have told her to ignore it but to no avail. Any advice please, I would be utmost grateful. I do not know what to do anymore. Does she need to see a psychiatrist?

OP posts:
LizBennet · 12/01/2022 12:00

Have you spoken to the other child's mother? First thing I'd be doing.

Original poster
concernparent5 · 12/01/2022 12:21

We tried but the mother just said girls will be girls and to leave it. So we have not since.

OP posts:
LizBennet · 12/01/2022 12:23

😬 Well if that was me, and my daughter was still being bullied, I'd be speaking firmer to the mother. "Just leave it" isn't an option when it's affecting your child.

Sn0tnose · 12/01/2022 12:45

Does the school have an anti bullying policy? And a Board of Governors who should be involved if they’re not complying with those policies?

It might not be something you’re willing to consider but I’d be teaching her to push back, twice as hard.

TeenPlusCat · 12/01/2022 12:52

I would go back to the school and use their official routes.
I would also be looking at moving schools.

As this is private they'll want a term's notice but hopefully would be willing to waive it if they been given opportunity but failed to sort the bullying.

Normal advice is not to approach the other parent, so I'm surprised to see it recommended here.

Mydogisagentleman · 12/01/2022 12:52

I had similar with my dd around the same age.
School were hopeless, I told my dd that each time L was physical or psychologically bullying her she should go back twice as hard.
The other mother who had already given me the same ‘kids will be kids’ response (with the added well she’s a red head, they have fiery tempers) response soon had a word with the child.

LizBennet · 12/01/2022 12:53

I never claimed it was recommended. It is what I would do, if the school weren't pulling their finger out 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
concernparent5 · 12/01/2022 13:06

It does have an antibullying policy and the girl was spoken to but she did not say much at all and that was the end of it. There were no apologies and since then incidents still occured

OP posts:
Original poster
concernparent5 · 12/01/2022 13:09

I asked my daughter about moving schools but she does not want to and was quite insistent on staying at the school. Then I was wondering does similar things happen at the other school.

OP posts:
Original poster
concernparent5 · 12/01/2022 13:10

I have tried on another time to speak to the girl's mother but she is sort of keeping her distance from me.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 12/01/2022 13:17

you need to call and ask for a meeting with the head. If the teachers arent fixing it, then the head will put pressure on. If not, then govenors, and if not any better then, i would change schools.

Also, maybe a better chat with the mother. If she says girls will be girls, you could ask her what she means by that, and how would she expect her child to deal with it was the other way round?
I think you really do have to go on at the school. Theyll deal with it if only to get you off their case

CustardyCreams · 12/01/2022 13:26

Keep on at the school. They will do something if you escalate it and threaten to talk to the governors.

TeenPlusCat · 12/01/2022 13:32

You need to make it harder for them not to deal with it than to deal with it.
By that I mean report every episode, ask to see the head or whoever regularly etc.
Think about where these episodes happen.
In classes then the teacher should be keeping a sharp eye out.
In break times then what are they going to do.

To what extent can your DD avoid the other girl?

I know she doesn't want to move schools, and it would be a last resort, but that doesn't stop you researching in the background to see what is avilable.

Bullying can happen everywhere, it is how the school deals with it that matters.

junenotoffred · 12/01/2022 14:02

I could have written this post in September, my DD was going through the same thing. I did everything I should, had meetings with the head etc but school were very reluctant to label it as bullying I think. So we documented absolutely every incident, even the seemingly minor ones - I reported every single incident via email so I had evidence. Still nothing happened until a particularly vile incident was witnessed by teachers, helped by the fact that it was a repeat of an incident the previous week. My DD is happy at school, school are handling things very differently now and are falling over themselves to assist. I'm taking this as an opportunity to have some breathing space and research alternative schools, their reluctance to act and actually the subsequent attempts at appeasement (I believe they are concerned I will take things further) mean I no longer trust them as a school. It's irrelevant that it's a private school other than, I expect smaller class sizes and greater staff:pupil ratios to work in favour of halting such behaviour immediately. I mostly don't trust them though because this child is still present, despite their behaviour - they should have been excluded in my opinion. The difference in my DD's confidence is unbelievable - primarily due to being believed at long last, in addition to not being bullied of course and feeling safer, but damage must have been done and they will now lose one of their most academic children as a result - and this school values such children highly. Good luck, it's awful and really takes some pushing to get somewhere unfortunately.

Aria999 · 12/01/2022 14:14

No advice really, just sympathy. we have similar with DS though so far no pushing (and he would definitely push back!) - lovely private primary school, no other options really we were delighted to get a spot, otherwise he loves it, one boy and 1-2 sidekicks.

I have emailed the teachers once and got a thoughtful response which was that they are aware of it, they are trying to teach kindness to the other child and DS should come to them for help every time it happens. Not sure if that's going to be enough.

I have been in the classroom (for DS birthday celebration) and observed the behavior which is making it a bit easier to talk to him about it.

What did the teachers say when you raised it with them?

Thelnebriati · 12/01/2022 14:17

Keep an incident diary that lists the date, what happened, and how you responded.
There are resources to help parents make a complaint about bullying and how to escalate, including template letters;

anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/tools-information/advice-and-support/making-complaint-about-bullying

Original poster
concernparent5 · 12/01/2022 14:29

After the first discussions with the teacher (pastoral) and the girl responsible, there were other incidents but I started to notice my daughter teachers were trying to avoid the issue so we got worried about reporting any further incidents. It felt after awhile we were walking on egg shells with the school.

OP posts:
Original poster
concernparent5 · 12/01/2022 14:31

I have told my daughter next the girl says anything, just say back to her , that's your problem. If she pushes her again then report it. If she laughs and says thing just smile back and walk away
I noticed my daughter's behaviour at home is of anger when we question her

OP posts:
Original poster
concernparent5 · 12/01/2022 14:32

Thank you all for your advice so much, very much appreciate all that has been said

OP posts:
Original poster
concernparent5 · 12/01/2022 14:32

I am still trying though to book a psychiatrist to talk to my daughter regarding all that has happened and her confidence

OP posts:
footiemum3 · 12/01/2022 14:35

I would advise making sure everything is in writing - email your concerns to the school, if you have any discussions regarding the matter with any members of staff go home and email an account of what was discussed and said what was said by who. If things escalate further this kind of evidence is very important and the school will not be able to contest anything said.
If the staff at school are not taking it seriously you need to take your concerns to the governors.

KatherineJaneway · 12/01/2022 14:53

It might not be something you’re willing to consider but I’d be teaching her to push back, twice as hard.

I agree with this. The school sounds unless at tackling this bullying so standing up for herself may be the best that can be done.

Aria999 · 12/01/2022 14:54

When I was bullied at primary school my wonderful mum eventually sorted it out by coming into the playground and speaking sternly to the kids involved.

I don't recommend this and would not do it myself but it was amazing. Never had any trouble with them again.

Original poster
concernparent5 · 14/01/2022 09:45

The problem is the girl responsible plays coy in front of the teachers so they were very surprised when we first mentioned the incidents
The girl responsible has also a best friend who follows her, witnesses what is happening and then does not say anything when asked
All the girls used to be friends and then now not

OP posts:
Original poster
concernparent5 · 14/01/2022 09:46

My daughter sometimes says she wishes she did not live which we say dont be ridiclous and I try to show her how lucky we in comparison to children from other parts of the world. I am trying to make her understand she should be grateful but to no avail

OP posts: