New to the UK/London and v, v lonely in the pandemic

[CarrieSadshaw]

Not sure where to put this. So putting this here.

I am new to MN, the UK and London. I an a trailing spouse ( but one who also works from home) and moved to London in January 2020, when my husband's job was moved here. I was thrilled to come. Have always loved London and continue to love it. Even during lockdown, I enjoyed the parks, the museums, the theatre, gigs...

BUT I haven't managed to make any lasting friends. I am not shy and used to starting over. But I am also 49, DC have flown the nest and the usual avenues for making friends are closed in the pandemic. I had a few friends in London from past expat circuits, but they seem to be busy/ghosting/ down with Covid every few months. I joined a book club but they only meet once a month and sometimes not even then. I joined a walking group but they have scaled down on events too, plus I make acquaintances rather than friends there. I wanted to join a choir but bit nervous about doing so during Omicron ( DH is CV). I am not big on group events, though I can tolerate them. I would like to meet a couple of friends over coffee.

I now haven't seen anyone but DH for over a month, and I am going nuts. The last straw is me suggesting meeting for coffee to a 'friend' and she snapping at me that she was busy because she doesn't have a husband to share the load ( her words)! I feel like I have chosen a really bad time to make new connections. I also tried to organise a coffee morning last summer and no one came ( Outside so no Covid excuses).

Please don't suggest returning to my home country. There are no jobs for DH there. Besides, in ordinary times, I would really love living in London. I still have days when I can't quite believe my luck. Then other days I feel completely alone.

Have you looked at meet up op?
WI?
You sound very pragmatic which is good as it's so easy to take these 5hings personally (I've definitely learnt this myself!) but socialising at the moment feels very odd doesn't it.
Keep doing what you are doing :)
Maybe your neighbours?
Do you work or if not are you able to volunteer always good for meeting new people

I’d try and volunteer I think. In a busy environment where there are a lot of people! Maybe a hospital, something like that.

It must be miserable, such a bad time to meet new people during a pandemic.

I do work but it's wfh entirely now. DH also now wfh which is not fun! Would meeetups work for someone my age? I am not saying I can't hang out with 20 somethings but I would prefer the 40 to 55 age group.

Volunteering is an idea. I wonder why I didn't think of that ( prob bcos not much of a thing in my home country). Maybe dog walking? I love dogs. Might give me a connection to something as I feel v unmoored. DC are away in uni in the States and have not been able to visit often because of the pandemic.

Home start? Although you said not younger people it's volunteering where you get paired up with a family and offer a couple of hours of support a week. You get the connections of other volunteers too

I’m volunteering at a vaccine centre and have met loads of people whilst working there. Have formed a couple of groups who meet up for walks and coffee. The added bonus is that when we meet up I know everyone has been vaccinated and tests regularly.

Try meet-up or the organisation Do - it for volunteering

But if you work full time may not have much time for it. There are lots of lonely and busy people in London OP so hope you can meet someone. I live alone here and mainly just communicate with my adult kids who have moved out and my colleagues

I think it’s a case of trying lots of things until you click with someone- like doing the activities for it’s own sake and it’s a bonus if you make a connection

You

Why would anyone suggest you return to your home country?! No one here could ever be so uncivilised.

On the other hand - I’m not sure I’ve seen the words ‘coffee morning’ written without irony this century. Do people genuinely still do that?

Honestly most people I know are not socialising at the moment, and every single performance event I look forward to in January has been cancelled, even online. So although it’s frustrating for you, many of us are feeling isolated at the moment.

Do you not keep up with old friends via zoom? And does your work offer no opportunity at all for virtual communication?

Be patient. Things should improve soon-ish.

Where are you in London? People may be able to make specific suggestions.

MeetUp would work as different groups specific if they are age based, who else is coming etc. I used it a while ago and saw things like female theatre and lunch group, retirees coffee group, 40s and up brunch group. See if anything sparks your interest? Even if you don’t make close friends it gives you somewhere to go and have a chat for the day.

I volunteer at a food bank centre, of all my volunteering I’ve liked this the most as seems to mainly be women and a really friendly vibe. There is a bit of a divide as some are quite religious but have made 2 friends through that.

Bumble also has a friends app. Think a younger crowd but you might strike lucky.

Is there any link to your home country locally that would interest you? A fair few of my friends are expats and involved in things with other expats from home.

The friends section on the bumble app is good.

@LiterallyKnowsBest

Why would anyone suggest you return to your home country?! No one here could ever be so uncivilised.

On the other hand - I’m not sure I’ve seen the words ‘coffee morning’ written without irony this century. Do people genuinely still do that?

Honestly most people I know are not socialising at the moment, and every single performance event I look forward to in January has been cancelled, even online. So although it’s frustrating for you, many of us are feeling isolated at the moment.

Do you not keep up with old friends via zoom? And does your work offer no opportunity at all for virtual communication?

Be patient. Things should improve soon-ish.

Oh only because moving to a new country when nearly 50 and in the middle of a pandemic might be considered the height of foolhardiness:) What can I say, I didn't anticipate Covid would last this long and in normal times, I am a very adventurous person. ( lived in far worse places).

Yes, "coffee morning" is very dated, fair enough:) I just meant meeting up for a coffee because most people don't have time for anything longer. And it is less commitment in case you hate the other person:)

Thanks for all the suggestions . Will look into them. I think the weather is also getting me down. I managed last year somehow but this year seems endless. My old friends seem a bit Zoomed out.

I live in N London. But take the tube everywhere. I do a lot of stuff on my own- currently visiting every museum and art gallery I can. DH does join me, but sometimes I would like to see someone else. I shd perhaps be brave and join a Meetup for art galleries.

I think this pandemic has been a useful lesson in learning to be alone. I am sure this will come in handy at some point.

What about Adult Ed. classes? I don't know about London, but in my area some are running face to face. You should find a whole range of subjects available in London. Local authorities, universities and the WEA all offer programmes. Museums also sometimes have lectures and study days.

There is also a range of guided walks available exploring the history of London. Look up Blue Badge guides (not to be confused with the blue badge for disabled drivers). Quite likely you'd find people open to going for a coffee or to the pub at the end of a walk.

I did check Adult Ed but all the courses I was interested in were still online. My work involves Zoom meetings all day so really want something in person. Maybe things wl be back in person by April.

I feel better for venting. I have always noticed admitting to being lonely is quite a taboo ( maybe more so in the UK?) and I feel there is no shame.

Oh OP. It's really hard. I moved abroad during the pandemic too. We're used to moving about but it's different at the moment. I was in N London. Sorry I'm not there or I would have gone for coffee with you. Do you mind saying what your home country is? Are there partners of your husband's colleagues you could get to know?

@CarrieSadshaw Have you looked into U3A (University of the Third Age): u3alondon.org.uk/aboutus/? Depending on where you are, there may be a local group too.

It’s tough and January is the worst time.

In March and April when the weather gets better life will feel more hopeful.

Evening classes are a good thought or guided walks / museum tours. Even if you don’t make new friends you’ll chat to other people which can help.

Does your library have a book group you could join?

I’m now wfh for the foreseeable and really need to make more of a life for myself so I do sympathise!

Maybe dog walking? I love dogs.

Cinnamon Trust. But I did that to get out of house arrest, I haven't met anyone to socialise with. I'm antisocial so suited me.

Many animal shelters are keen for adult volunteers. This is a way to meet other people.

There is literally no shortage of volunteer positions. Secondary School governors, sports clubs, Girl Guides, NHS hospital guides, guiding ex-offenders not to re-offend. What causes are dear to your heart?

@user1477249785 We are Singaporean. Someone suggested meeting other Singaporeans but I am not really into so much into meeting ppl of the same country as I am into meeting people of similar interests. And I would like British friends. No point in living in a country if you cling to your own countryfolk.

I just saw another thread abt Parkrun. I think I will give it a shot.
I think it's just the neverendingness of the pandemic as well that is making me feel this way.

Get a dog? That’s a great way to meet people from what I have heard. Dog owners love to chat. Or join local church or whatever?
Volunteering also good, local charity shops, gone start. Round our way we have regular litter picks or days when people help clear a local river, try your local council website. They’ll be stuff on there.
Brownies are always looking for helpers or the local cubs/ scouts. They are quite social although you have to like kids and be willing to be dbs checked etc. it is a commitment.
Local ramblers club for walks.
Local library might be worth a visit to see what they have going on. Our local theatre is always keen for volunteers to act as ushers. Local museums too want guides. Again you have to be able to commit to it for a time period.

Welcome to London! It is all going to get so much better once the weather imposed (ie from March), hang in there.

In the meantime…

Walking groups? There’s zillions near me (London commuter belt). Search for London walking club. Walking is good because people chat.

Introduction to jogging course? Gym? Dance class? Rock climbing? Evening class in an academic thing eg writing, acting et? Amateur dramatic group?

Meeting new friends is so hard I agree, all you can do is keep going to clubs and hope you click with someone. The best opportunities will be where people all start a course at the same time, not where you join a group that’s been running a while (I joined a choir that had been running 5 years and it was SO cliquey, ended up leaving!)

And yes to park run. They want people to help at start ( or you can run/ walk too)
Goodsam app is connected to nhs and looking for vaccine helpers but other helpers too.
At local church there might be a st Vincent de Paul society who help with local food bank, they have socials, like race nights and fundraising events.

What council is it? Many have adult education courses at reasonable prices. I have done a horticultural one and made lots of connections and a network but you can do flower arranging, art, learning a language etc

Various parks have 'friends' groups that are volunteers who do litter picking, specific projects etc.
This is the one for my Borough, there is likely something more local to you.

https://www.towerhamlets.gov.uk/lgnl/communityanddliving/volunteeringopportunities/parkkvolunteering_opportunitie.aspx

Here you are OP. IF you're in Camden, here's a list of their many volunteering opportunities:

cindex.camden.gov.uk/kb5/camden/cd/results.action?nh=20&services=4&communitychannel=7-12-10

Hi op I live in SE London and my local Facebook group has plenty of people asking for similar suggestions and I see a lot of great suggestions. Have you tried yours ? Also our street has a WhatsApp group set up in covid and people have started socialising through that

There are SO many volunteering opportunities. Food banks are always keen for people and that would be sociable

Sorry but the idea that people aren't socialising cos of covid is clearly not true across the board. Pubs and cafes are full!

It sounds really dry but volunteering is really the best way to meet people and make friendships and there are loads of opportunities because of austerity and so many services being closed or unpaid.

Food bank, community fundraising, local politics / campaigning, green issues, local events, arts - whatever floats your boat and it's easy for relationships to forge because you are seeing each other regularly and there is a purpose.