Counselling - how is it different to talking to yourself?

[TrophyWinner]

I've just had my first ever counselling session following DH's death last year.

I didn't find it helpful. I've never done it before and didn't know what to expect or what was expected of me. There were lots of silences where I was expecting conversation to be back and forth until counsellor explained that it's a talking therapy so I should be doing the talking.

I'm a runner and I enjoy a long walk. During that time I'm usually talking to myself (sometimes but not always in my head 😆) which does indeed help me to see things more clearly and is a lot less awkward than taking to someone else.

Is there any additional benefit from counselling sessions and should I carry on and give it more of a chance or am I just as well off going for a walk?

Or do I need a different counsellor?

It’s worth trying a different one but I’ve never been convinced that there is any inherent benefit to it. I think a lot of it is a bit snake-oily (won’t be a popular view!)

I think time to reflect and consider and be still and calm is beneficial but I don’t feel this needs to cost £40+ an hour.

I found counselling did help me get my thoughts in order more. The therapist didn’t say or ask much but what she did was aimed at getting me to talk more in depth.it took a few sessions before I started to see any benefit.

Maybe try a different approach? The best counselling I have had has (through discussion) helped me to learn about my unhelpful thought patterns / 'coping strategies' and has been a huge help in processing bereavement and managing anxiety.

Sorry for your loss x

When I went for bereavement counselling after DD died it definitely wasn't a one way process with lots of silence. The counsellor would ask questions such as 'how does that make you feel?' Or ' tell me about the emotions you are feeling' and then there was lots of discussion around that and the events which had lead up to DDs death. We even had the paper and pencils out so I could write my feelings down.
I had my counselling through Cruse and there was an option to change counsellor if you didn't think the one you had was working for you.

Counselling is difficult. It doesn't suit everyone and not every counsellor is good and not every counsellor works for every person.

I found it good for when I gor our of my abusive marriage. There weren't long silences. The main part for me, is taht a counsellor would suggest a different view of things. A view that was much more logical and kinder to me, than I am myself.

A skilled therapist will be asking you the right questions. They may not be a good fit for you or you may not be ready for counselling. Equally you may prefer walking therapy which is helpful for lots of people. My friend is finding it helpful after losing his long term partner.

I agree you may need a different type of counsellor.
I have had therapy where I just talked and usually the most the therapist said was 'the time is up', but what I found is that this 'talking things out' cleared a way for insights which I often had when walking home from the session. So it worked for me and others I know.
But counselling shouldn't be one size fits all, so I hope you find someone who helps you, I do hope so

If the counsellor is skilled at their job, they will be reading your body language, tone of voice and subtly guiding and steering the direction as you talk. They might pause the conversation at a point where you glossed over something or looked upset. Or later in the relationship, point out that your thoughts or feelings often stall at a particular point and help you explore why.

It takes more than one session to develop the counselling relationship to a place where you feel secure enough to go to places where you don't tell anyone else.

I find my own counselling really helpful, yes the counsellor does a lot of reflecting back to you so you can see things more clearly but she also challenges underlying assumptions and helps me unpick when I'm seeing something in a limited way. I don't think you could do those things for yourself, really.

I've not had bereavement counselling, however.

The thing I would pont to in what you have said is that underlying your experience is your expectation that a single conversation with a counsellor would somehow make you feel better about your husband's death. That doesn't seem realistic at all to me. Why did you try it out, OP?

One session probably won't feel like you're getting very far –it's a relationship and it takes time. If only it were 'one and done'!

And it's great that you can work a lot out in your own head –no negative spin on that at all –but a counsellor or therapist ISN'T in your head, and therefore can bring to light different perspectives than you can give yourself.

I wouldn't give up yet –and if I were you, I'd share exactly what you've said here WITH your counsellor at your next session.

Not in a 'complaint' kind of way, but there's as much value in the relationship between you and your therapist itself as there is in the content of what gets said. Being honest about how you're finding the process is a great way to nourish that relationship, and have your concerns addressed at the same time.

@Flakeymcwakey

I find my own counselling really helpful, yes the counsellor does a lot of reflecting back to you so you can see things more clearly but she also challenges underlying assumptions and helps me unpick when I'm seeing something in a limited way. I don't think you could do those things for yourself, really.

I've not had bereavement counselling, however.

The thing I would pont to in what you have said is that underlying your experience is your expectation that a single conversation with a counsellor would somehow make you feel better about your husband's death. That doesn't seem realistic at all to me. Why did you try it out, OP?

I didn't expect one session to make me feel better, if anything I thought I might make me feel worse, as it brought things to the fore as part of the process. In the event it didn't do anything except the repeat the conversations I've had with myself whilst walking in the woods.

I did it because whenever anyone asks me how I'm doing their next line is "you should get some counselling".

So lots of people around d you are suggesting counselling? Is it because you are feeling g/ looking 'stuck' to them or do you think they are just saying it for something to say?

It never helped me. All it was make me feel I should blame my parents for any failings I had in life which I completely disagreed with.

Op I had this at uni

Looking back I was in dire straights and should have had tons more help. I opened up to a tutor, and he took le to the the on site Councillor

She had cold, cold eyes.

She stared at me, didn't ask me anything and it waw absolutely horrific. Again I wish I had known to complain because she was dreadful.
I'm can't believe how vulnerable I was and incredibly unhelpful she was.

@Havilland

That's interesting how did they link it back?
Ie your dp personality or their quirks eg made you keep room tidy!

Counselling baffled me. She sat silently and stared at me, I felt very uncomfortable. I didn't know if I was meant to keep talking - what's the point of her being silent?

I told her something that had had happened to me and she raised her eyebrows and said "No one likes a doormat."

Never again.

@Pudmyboy

I agree you may need a different type of counsellor. I have had therapy where I just talked and usually the most the therapist said was 'the time is up', but what I found is that this 'talking things out' cleared a way for insights which I often had when walking home from the session. So it worked for me and others I know. But counselling shouldn't be one size fits all, so I hope you find someone who helps you, I do hope so

Missing the point, but a therapist is not the same as a councillor.

A counsellor is usually someone who treats patients over a relatively brief period of time to address behavioural patterns whereas a therapist, or psychotherapist will treat patients long term to resolve more deep-seated issues. (and has usually had considerably more training)

It's reflective. Some people find it very hard to speak their feelings out loud so a counsellor can help being a "safe space" to do this.

I did not find it useful either but I have verbal diahroea and spill too much :o

I actually started training as a counsellor, but dropped out when I kept being told off for advising. Counsellors aren't supposed to offer advice, it's basically listening, repeating what people say back to them and the very occasional question (often just rephrasing what the client said anyway?!).

It helps me just to talk to someone impartial really. I don’t have many friends and sometimes I’d like to whinge about my DH but don’t have anyone to do this to . I don’t have a supportive family really either so my life is quite lonely. My counsellor is a bit of a sounding board and escapism too because I get to leave the house and talk to him on the phone for 50 minutes a week. I’ve found it helpful personally but admittedly didn’t feel this way to begin with, it took some persistence.

I had a long chat with a friend who didn't know DH yesturday and TBH that was much more helpful.

Counsellors aren't supposed to offer advice, it's basically listening, repeating what people say back to them and the very occasional question (often just rephrasing what the client said anyway?!).

You couldn't be more wrong.

I've had quite a lot of counselling, at different points. I am seeing my current counsellor for quite a while due to an abusive exH.

The key thing in counselling is the relationship with the counsellor. Not every counsellor is a good fit. You'll need a few sessions to work this out, but it's fine if they're not right for you, just try again.

The other key element is being ready for counselling. OP it sounds like you might not be ready for it. Don't do it just because a friend suggests it. You may not need it at all, perhaps you are able to come to terms with your bereavement yourself, and that's fine too.

In terms of a counsellor's role, IME, good counsellors do listen, especially at the start. They shouldn't really give advice, but give you a framework to explore your thoughts, offer a space for you to marshal your feelings, concerns & thoughts. They should also provide techniques for you to investigate what's happening for you & allow you to understand & move on from whatever has brought you there.

When I first started counselling, I talked & talked. The counsellor said v little. I used to apologise for talking so much. She understood that I needed to first talk through & process all that happened. Then we could start to work through it. It's a slow process. It's up & down, sometime I feel like I'm moving ahead, sometimes I'm stuck. I find it invaluable.

I think the best form of counselling is when you get some feedback as validation of how you are feeling is immensely healing.

My DH was off sick when I met him. He was having counselling arranged by his work. He said it just made him churn over it all again to no avail and he would be in floods of tears and the session would end. He said it was us talking for hours and me regularly saying, "You fucking what?" and "Then WTF did they do?" was the thing that pulled him out of it. He felt listened to, believed and validated. I encouraged him to leave his job. They treated him like shit.

@TrophyWinner

I had a long chat with a friend who didn't know DH yesturday and TBH that was much more helpful.

That might be what you need OP. Counselling isn't mandatory. Don't feel you must go.

It may not be for you. Or maybe not right now

It took me years after my marriage ended to go to counselling. I just wasn't able before then.

I would also say make sure your counsellor is a registered and accredited professional, not someone who just calls themselves one. It's not a protected term. Anyone can call themselves a counsellor without any training and the people who do are generally the absolute last people on earth who should.