There's a troll in my house

[Letscreateaclassic]

I don't know how it got in but it's living in the cupboard under the stairs. I went to fetch the magic mop and there it was, glowering at me and muttering. I caught the words "vile" and "grim" but the rest of it was incoherent because it kept spitting between the words.

I've ordered some manic pixies as I've heard they can be effective in getting rid of trolls. The pixies will arrive tomorrow (thank god for Amazon Prime!) but in the meantime, does anyone have any other ideas of how to deal with it?

Uh oh. Just heard the cat flap go -- I think it may have invited a friend over.

Go dry January ...

Troll!!!! In the dungeon, thought you ought to know.

Not helpful. Sorry

Turn the Broadband off.

Play it an Ed Sheeran song. It will soon leave.

I'm think I'm probably missing some sort of in joke at this stage?

It's a magic mop, so if you beat it with that, it should go.

Is this supposed to be funny?

Shutting the laptop is effective.

Oldraver There's no way I'm giving up the wine when I'm being visited by fictional creatures who are getting more real by the minute.

The second troll has joined the first one. I think they may be drinking too. I'm hearing clinks and a cork just popped.

I think your user name is a tad optimistic

mabelface That's the spirit!

Hoppinggreen I was relying on other posters to crack the actual jokes. But maybe no one is in the mood.

Just give them coco pops, they won't cause you any bother and they will guard your vacuum cleaner

RainyDayWellySocks I tried your suggestion but they ate the vacuum cleaner and put the cereal bowls on their heads. Now there are milky coco pops seeping out from under the cupboard door.

At least they are trolls and not gremlins.

vodkaredbullgirl I like your positive thinking. You're right, it could be worse.

Though from the sounds emanating from the cupboard, that point might not be far off...

Would you like to borrow my cat? He's a Bastard.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

Yes, please. He's free to lap up the cocopops milk on the floor.

The trolls are now shouting that I'm not even a tiny bit funny and that by writing about them I'm erasing their troll rights.

If it goes quiet, they've probably got me.

I'll send him round. In the meantime, have you tried giving them a Hard Stare?

Hmm, our effing cat brought in a real, live and very non-fictional mouse a few hours back, which I'd happily swap for a fictional troll.
Based on our experience of ridding ourselves of terrified cat-induced rodents, I would say first lock cat away and ignore the Death Stare thereby incurred, get a plastic container with lid and trap rodent or troll, check for physical injury. If injured you must humanely euthanize it. I do not know how to euthanize a troll, I'm sure you can Google it. If rodent or troll is uninjured, you drive to the next county and release it into the glorious wild so it can live a happy and fulfilled mousy or trolly life. Then come back and face The Wrath of the Cat.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

I tried the Hard Stare and they gave me a Hard Stare back. It temporarily froze me to the floor and they rushed to the fridge and ate all the marmalade then tossed the jar into the bin. The recycling bin was RIGHT NEXT TO IT! They knew that would drive me mad.

ItsOnlyWordsInnit

I'm a bit worried about the ethics of letting trolls out into the wild. What if they found their way into another MN's home?

(By the way, really sorry about your rodents. That doesn't sound anywhere near as much fun as dealing with fictional trolls, despite their rude consumption of all my marmalade and their contempt for the environment.)

Responding to GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal and ItsOnlyWordsInnit is really making me miss having a cat. Even their Hard Stares and Wrath...

@Ovenaffray

Is this supposed to be funny?

Not necessarily. It is supposed to be fun though. Something I think we all need in the long slog of January.

Have you tried using a fish slice and lube?