There's a troll in my house

[Letscreateaclassic]

I don't know how it got in but it's living in the cupboard under the stairs. I went to fetch the magic mop and there it was, glowering at me and muttering. I caught the words "vile" and "grim" but the rest of it was incoherent because it kept spitting between the words.

I've ordered some manic pixies as I've heard they can be effective in getting rid of trolls. The pixies will arrive tomorrow (thank god for Amazon Prime!) but in the meantime, does anyone have any other ideas of how to deal with it?

You need to call Susan Sto Helit. She'll bring her own poker.

Plus, if they ate all your marmalade, are you sure they aren't a lost South American bear?

Get @MNHQ to come and show them the door.

Give it some poo. Trolls seem to love poo 💩

Ask them if they fancy a game of bridge?

User12398712 That made me laugh! Went ahead and tried it -- they used the lube to slick back their hair. Now have two trolls giving me a Hard Stare looking like the Fonz. Not sure what they did with the fish slice.

(Definitely not a South American bear. No hats or duffle coats in sight.)

CopperApricot It's a great idea but apparently she's already booked.

@Ovenaffray

Is this supposed to be funny?

Stop being so fucking miserable.

If you didn't "get" it, just ask...don't come along and insult the OP.

Well if there is even the slightest possibility of them being gremlins for goodness sake don't feed them after midnight!

If you can't get Susan, can you try speaking in capitals?
It might take a minute to get the knack.

HopingForMyRainbowBaby You're right of course, but if I give them poo they'll just smear the whole house with it and I already have parking issues with the neighbours as it is. (Diagram to come.)

skellingtonboot Ha! Genius.

iklboo YES.

I have to go out for a little while so hoping all of you can brainstorm some other ideas while I'm away.

(Thanks to everyone who's been making me laugh do love it when the witty MNers come out to play sorry I'm not equal to you!)

Can't wait to see what they have to say about this on Reddit

The bit about witty MNers was not supposed to be struck throigh! I was being sincere!

🍿 🥤

@Letscreateaclassic - if you're popping out, nip down & see if The Three Billy Goats Gruff are in. They're always handy in a rumble with trolls.

Goats are just awesome anyway. The DC and I did a spooky goat walk for Halloween last year.

Can you fashion a troll trap with an empty washing basket, a stick and a length of string? If you fish the empty marmalade jar out of the bin and pop it under the washing basket the smell might entice them in. Not sure what to do once you’ve trapped them, mind, but if they’re contained they can’t get up to mischief can they?

@Hoppinggreen

I think your user name is a tad optimistic

Hahaha 🤣

@00100001 How about you stop jumping to conclusions? It might be an honest, innocent question where the intention was not to offend.

This type of thread can completely confuse me. I could quite easily ask if it was meant to be funny in case there was a joke I'd missed. Doesn't mean I'd want to offend the op. Just means I haven't a clue what you're all talking about.

It's those bastard clothes fairies, that sneek into your wardrobe at night and sew your clothes tight.

Are these two your trolls? Look friendly enough to me 😈

What you need is half a dozen elves with tambourines. Trolls hate tambourines. If you put an advert on your local Facebook page, you should get plenty of offers. You may need to pay about 12p per elf though. (They're a bit grabby.)

Oh and I can't guarantee that the elves won't take up residence after the trolls leave. You'll need another solution for that problem. PM me for info.

@OldTinHat

What you need is half a dozen elves with tambourines. Trolls hate tambourines. If you put an advert on your local Facebook page, you should get plenty of offers. You may need to pay about 12p per elf though. (They're a bit grabby.)

Oh and I can't guarantee that the elves won't take up residence after the trolls leave. You'll need another solution for that problem. PM me for info.

Will this one do?