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Original poster

Am I overreacting? Dsis fallout

33 replies

Valdes · 08/01/2022 16:52

Warning: Covid related

I was on the shielding list and have worked from home due to this since Mar 20. I've been careful and have been lucky enough not to catch covid so far.

My parents always do a Boxing Day celebration and all my siblings go home, usually about 12 of us. I ummed and ahhed about going this year with the increase in cases but everyone has been boosted and also offered to do a lateral flow which I was so grateful for. I spoke to my DNephew on Christmas Day who was coughing. I flagged to my DSis who said he definitely didnt have the virus - just an asthma flare up.

You can probably see where this is going. I attended the celebration, the day later my DSis tests positive in work and it turns out my DNephew was positive too.

Everyone there that night tested positive in the following days including myself and our 87 YO granddad.

I've had a pretty bad time with it, including hospitalisation as has our Granddad.

I messaged my Dsis saying that I was sorry she had tested positive, that I hoped she was okay and that while I knew it 100% isn't her fault for having covid (it's a global pandemic) I was upset she had lied about the lateral test to which she has said she never tested beforehand but hadn't said she had (technically she didn't, she told me she would test before attending and that my DNephew 'definitely' didn't have Covid which I assumed meant she had tested him and got a negative result), that she stands by her decision not to test as lateral flows are "cruel" (my DNephew is 9) and that I'm unfair to voice my frustration at this because she's ill.

We haven't spoken since.

I'm swinging between:
A) she offered to test before the meal, she told me my DNephew definitely didn't have it and she knew I was ECV. Why wouldn't she just take the test which would've saved us all a miserable few weeks and a real dangerous time for my Granddad (who is still in hosp)?
And
B) I can only control my own actions and if I was this worried about cases, I shouldn't have gone to the celebration myself.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Valdes · 08/01/2022 16:54

Sorry its so long!
TDLR: My Dsis agreed to do a lateral flow before a family gathering and implied she had done one on her DS who had symptoms. She had done neither and transmitted Covid to the whole family including two ECV people. She believes the ECV people are in the wrong for attending rather than any fault on her side.

OP posts:
OatcakeCravings · 08/01/2022 16:56

Your sister is a selfish cow and you have every right to be pissed with her. Saying that I wouldn’t have gone in your position….

ShopHero · 08/01/2022 16:59

I’ve just had a very similar thing myself. In our case it was my DF who didn’t test as he ‘just had a cold’ which became apparent when we arrived as he coughed and spluttered everywhere. We left immediately but unfortunately too late. In our case it is our DD who is ECV.

They don’t see they’ve done anything wrong, we aren’t speaking, and I don’t know where to go from here. Yes we could’ve just not gone as you say, but I thought all intelligent adults knew to have a test if they had symptoms.

I have no advice other than I’m with you, I’d be raging (as indeed I am).

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Covid-19
Crazycrazylady · 08/01/2022 17:03

What a selfish cow.. how will she feel if your grandfather doesn't recover!

Original poster
Valdes · 08/01/2022 17:04

Thanks both.

I'm just so frustrated that all this could have been avoided with a quick test that takes 2 mins to do.

Hope your DD is doing okay @ShopHero

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/01/2022 17:09

She shouldn't have misled you but I still think B) is correct in this case.

If you've been working from home for nearly 2 years to shield yourself, it makes no sense to meet up with 12 people indoors when this particular strain of Covid seems so very contagious.

Crazycatlady83 · 08/01/2022 17:09

The problem is zero covid is just not possible. It's endemic in our society and you will "get it" sooner or later. Testing / isolation / WFH etc won't be around for ever. Yes, it's annoying but the main thing is, whilst you got a bad dose of it (being hospitalised etc) you came out the other side (which is why you had the vaccine, to protect yourself)

Even if she took the LFT, does not necessarily mean it's going to show a true positive or a true negative (my DMum did a LFT on Christmas Eve, it was positive, had a PCR which was negative)

Your other option is to live inside on your own for the rest of your days like a hermit.

It's a shame to see families failing out.

SweetsAndChocolates · 08/01/2022 17:10

@Valdes this is annoying, especially as everyone had agreed to test beforehand.

On one hand, if her DS was unwell she should have taken necessary precautions and so on, but on the other hand it may have just appeared as an asthma flare up (but considering we are all well aware of covid - should still take necessary steps).

It's unfortunate everyone has been so unwell, especially your granddad.

I don't think you did wrong attending. I hope you've all made a full recovery, and wishing your granddad a speedy recovery.

Original poster
Valdes · 08/01/2022 17:14

Thanks everyone

To clarify, I haven't been shielding since Mar 20. I shielded when the advice was to shield but i have been going to shops, cinemas, walks etc since the restrictions have loosened up. I'm just trying to be careful about mask wearing, regular testing etc.

This is probably the first indoor gathering of this many people I've been to since it all began. And now I'm questioning whether I should have at all.

I'm grateful I'm getting better but its been a real struggle and the fact my Dsis won't even acknowledge "yep, my bad, Im sorry" is really frustrating. But then again, maybe i shouldn't have gone at all ...

Any advice on what you'd do next?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/01/2022 17:20

What I'd do next is try to forget about it.

As you said, perhaps you shouldn't have gone at all and given that Covid is contagious before it even shows up on a LFT, it could still have happened if he'd tested negative.

NoSquirrels · 08/01/2022 17:25

Well, A). She behaved very badly.

But as for what to do next, there’s really nothing to be done but try to move on. Her actions were selfish and affected her entire family, and hospitalised two of them - if she hasn’t offered an apology yet I doubt she ever will so you have to make peace with that.

I hope your grandfather recovers well Flowers

LethargicActress · 08/01/2022 17:26

I don’t think you need to do anything next other than try and forget about it.

If you knew your dsis wasn’t keen on doing LFTs on her son, then it would be reasonable to believe that she wouldn’t do it accurately or thoroughly enough even if she was able to truthfully tell you that she’d done one.

You and your Grandad, assuming he has mental capacity, made a choice that you knew came with a risk. It is almost impossible to completely contain viruses, so if you’re going to mix indoors with children and lots of other people, you have to graciously accept it when you pick up a virus.

Mariposista · 08/01/2022 17:27

There is nothing ‘you can do next’. What’s done is done. You can’t rewind the time to before Christmas and change anything. Be grateful you have come through the other side and hope grandad is the same.

Original poster
Valdes · 08/01/2022 17:32

Thanks all -, its good to hear different perspectives.

When I say "what to do next", I don't mean I'm going to kick off or anything (I'm not that type of person, and even if I was, don't think I could summon the energy at this moment!) But neither of us are talking. I don't feel like I should apologise for flagging that she had not done the thing she agreed to and had implied something that was untrue. She doesn't see any need to apologise and is waiting for me to stop being so "unfair" when she was ill so we're stuck

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 08/01/2022 17:44

Let her get in touch with you whenever she wants to, or send her a message yourself about something entirely unrelated. Depends on whether you want to reopen dialogue right now, or wait for her to get over it.

SMabbutt · 08/01/2022 18:03

You made a decision to attend based on the information that everyone would do a lft before the meal. Therefore you were not unreasonable to attend because you were trying to balance the risk with the need to live life in as normal a way as possible for everyone's mental wellbeing by ensuring sensible mutually agreed safeguards were in place. If she didn't want to do it she shouldn't have said she would and you might have made a different decision. She agreed to this and you trusted her word, but she chose to lie to you. If you say you will do something knowing you have no intention of doing it that is a lie. If you fail to let someone know you changed your mind that is a lie by omission. If you make an assertion that some one is definitely negative when you haven't tested, knowing the person you are speaking to believes you are speaking with certainty because you agreed to do a lft, that is a lie as well because you know you can't be certain. I wouldn't be apologising. I would drop any discussion about it because you will never get anyone with this utter disregarded for anyone but themselves to see they did anything wrong. For the sake of your parents I would be polite in company but I would never take anything they said as reliable again and keep to the bare minimum of contact.

Thankfully you are recovering and hopefully your grandfather will also make a full recovery, but she had no way to predict the outcome when she happily and deliberately misled everone. I wonder how ill she actually is and why she thinks you should be sympathetic when she acted so selfishly. Yes we could all accidentally pass on Covid if we are asymptomatic but equally most people who can see past their own wants will take basic steps to protect others. I hope those she failed to protect make a speedy and full recovery with no long side effects.

Rosiestraws · 08/01/2022 18:04

I'm surprised at some of the answers here about the behaviour of the sister. Take away that this is to do with covid/ testing etc which appears to be a very polarising subject- essentially your sister was dishonest and that put you all at risk and that risk
materialised into getting ill. I think it's certainly legitimate to feel angry and upset about this. The comments about how it might not that been picked up on lateral flows or you'll definitely pick it up sometime are essentially irrelevant in THIS situation as that's not what is being discussed. It's a very sad world we live in if the advice is we have to avoid family gatherings just in case our family have LIED about taking tests.

I would be incredibly angry in your situation and the fact you were hospitalised must have been rotten.

I certainly wouldn't apologise for anything you've done as you've done nothing wrong! But I guess ultimately if she won't accept she's done anything wrong it might be difficult to move forward unless you can forget about it. I don't envy you though as I would be furious too

Original poster
Valdes · 08/01/2022 18:19

Thank you.

This is the core of it for me - she made a decision effectively for me. If she would have told me that she wasn't testing, or that she hadn't tested her DS, then that would be entirely her choice but having that info would've changed by decision. She took that decision away from me and still can't see that she is at any fault at all.

I suspect low contact will be the path forward

OP posts:
cherryonthecakes · 08/01/2022 18:25

She should have said that she thought that testing a 9yo was cruel so wouldn't be testing. I think that it is fair to interpret her actions as lying and she should feel guilty about you and your grandad.

Rosiestraws · 08/01/2022 18:34

As an aside, I really dislike the thing I have seen here and on similar threads of "well you were in hospital but you're out now so thankfully you're better" and implying no harm no foul, you've had the vaccine and that's why it's not so bad etc. Would we really be taking the same view if it was someone negligently injuring you with their car for example or some other way of causing you harm!? I mean, I'm not saying there's anything you can or should do about this as it has happened now but it's still a pretty significant harm caused to you and something that any normal person in her position ought to feel guilt and apologetic about!

MolkosTeenageAngst · 08/01/2022 18:34

Definitely B. You knew the risks, including how rife covid was over Christmas, and lateral flow tests don’t catch every case and neither are they designed to. You still should have maintained sensible precautions such as masks, keeping the area well ventilated, socially distancing etc even with the negative lfts.

And if your nephew had symptoms a lateral flow would have been no good anyway, he needed a pcr, so knowing he was coughing the night before you were foolish to take the risk of socialising with him even if you thought he’d done an LFT as they are notoriously unreliable.

Redwinestillfine · 08/01/2022 18:43

Sorry you went through this. Sorry but 9 is absolutely old enonough. It's not traumatic fo most kids. Epecially if they are talked trough it.

Original poster
Valdes · 08/01/2022 18:52

I appreciate all the views - thank you.

@MolkosTeenageAngst sorry, the evidence on lateral flows does not support that claim. www.ox.ac.uk/news/2021-07-14-lateral-flow-tests-are-95-effective-detecting-covid-19-when-used-onset-symptoms.
And I had assumed that as there were symptoms, a PCR test had been done as per guidance. Thank you for your view.

Posting this has been really useful in clarifying my thoughts - thank you everyone! My annoyance has never been that she had Covid, but that she agreed to something she then didn't do, and gave me false information that I then made a decision on in good faith.

If she had been honest, I would have made a different choice as may others have. If she had done the tests and she had false negatives, we would have still ended up in the same situation but then that would have been one of those things.

It's the manipulation and the refusal to acknowledge or apologise for that.

OP posts:
ClaudiusTheGod · 08/01/2022 18:58

Not another drippy mum who won’t do LFTs on their kids…

ZenNudist · 08/01/2022 19:05

Yes she was selfish and if she was a decent person she'd be feeling pretty bad right now. What if your grandad died?

I think your two positions are both reasonable and you have to forget about it (once you dgf is better).

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