Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Anyone else have dc when very young and now has freedom approaching?

31 replies

NotebookVsDiaries · 08/01/2022 12:40

I did life a bit backwards. Had my dc very young (17 and 19) and now they're 16 and 14! I'm only 33. My dc are both doing really well and I went to uni a few years ago got my degree and my career is going well. I've got freedom looming and I don't know how I feel about it. I think I feel quite scared about having a life where I'm not a mum to dc that need me anymore - even though I hated the relentless drudgery of parenting. I did it mostly on my own so I was consumed in parenting and mum life and lost myself when they were younger.

Anyone else in the same position?

Also weirdly want another baby even though I don't want to be a parent to small dc again!

OP posts:
ImNotWhoYouThinkIam · 08/01/2022 12:43

Similar here. Had dc at 19 and 22, they are 17 and 15 now.

I'm dreading it. I don't know who I am other than Mum. I. Don't have a career, I have mh issues. I'm just mum.

Cherrytart23 · 08/01/2022 12:46

Not me but sister and bil have 4 children they are all adults now having children of there own sister is 39 bil 40 sis was 15 when had first then had 1 for next 3 years.

madroid · 08/01/2022 12:48

Start gradually building your own life. Hobbies, work, self care, friends etc.

They will come back and forth for a bit but you need to get your own life together and avoid living through them or wanting more of their company than they want to give.

Try to think of it as exciting freedom and possibilities. But take it slowly.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Cherrytart23 · 08/01/2022 12:49

Sis and bil now have great jobs just bought there first house and have been on some amazing holidays. But still young enough to party the night away with their dc and friends I really think they made the best decision having them so young.

Original poster
NotebookVsDiaries · 08/01/2022 12:57

It would be ridiculous to start again wouldn't it?

I have dreamed about taking a sabbatical and going travelling for 6 months once the youngest is old enough to be left or at uni. I don't know if I want to travel the world and go to yoga retreats and climb mountains or if I want another dc and that mum life again. I don't know if I'm ready to not be a mum anymore. I keep seeing my friends having babies and their cute toddlers toddling ect and think aww I want one! But I don't think I really do. I've had mine, it's time to let go of that and create a life outside of being a mum.

OP posts:
user1471462428 · 08/01/2022 14:35

I think a lot of people lose themselves completely and stop being able to view themselves as any but a parent. It’s not just women that do this I was working with a doctor who used to do research before having children and then just stuck to do his clinics while they were young and now twenty years on research (in his field) has moved on significantly and he is somewhat at loss what to do.
I’m still in the crazy years of parenting but I’m trying to think ahead. I think I want to foster is that something you would consider?

bebanjo · 08/01/2022 14:39

I had my DD at 36, she is now 15 and I’m 52. I’m planning stuff for in the next few years. Getting fit and finding what I like agen. I intend to restart some hobbies and activists from my youth and try some new ones.

JanuaryBluehoo · 08/01/2022 14:50

Op go on yoga retreats and then have the next one! Not either or, do both.

But I imagine you may need to finance yourself unless your well off.

dopple · 08/01/2022 14:56

Also weirdly want another baby even though I don't want to be a parent to small dc again!

That's Mother Nature for you, I felt the same until recently, had the urge to be pregnant again but not bring another child up. I've decided 3 is enough and concentrating on my career now.

InMincePieRehabBackSoon · 08/01/2022 15:17

Ah I'm in what sounds like exactly the same position. Same age as you, also brought DS up mostly alone and he's nearly 15 now. Career is going really well and also did my degree part time in my 20s like you Smile

I actually posted a thread about the broodiness two weeks ago!

For me, I'm mostly 90% excited to have hobbies and be able to go to the gym and work late without panicking and go on holiday outside school holidays. But it's hard when your friends are all starting their parenting journeys when you're coming to "the end" of yours.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4432805-i-m-so-fucking-broody-tell-me-all-the-terrible-things-about-having-a-baby

Original poster
NotebookVsDiaries · 08/01/2022 16:01

That broodyness thread has helped Grin

I don't want another child, I just miss that feeling of having your baby or toddler hug you. I'm feeling melancholic about their childhoods rather than excited for my future.

I'm going to have a think about some future goals and maybe go and do my masters. I need my own things to focus on.

I should be laughing really, dc almost grown up, own life back, haven't had a sleepless night in years, can go out whenever I want, my dc are lovely, my friends are lovely, I don't have to spend a fortune on childcare.. need to firm my identity up instead of wishing to have a baby again. All a baby would do is make me feel suffocated and trapped all over again!

OP posts:
InMincePieRehabBackSoon · 08/01/2022 17:01

@NotebookVsDiaries I think the thing to remember (at least what I'm telling myself!) is there's time to try a life of "freedom" for a couple of years at least, but still time to have another baby, if that's really what I (and same for you!) want at the end of it. Good luck x

InMincePieRehabBackSoon · 08/01/2022 17:01

PS puppies are also great for cuddles and very cute but can be left alone and don't answer back! Wink

Original poster
NotebookVsDiaries · 08/01/2022 17:31

You're right mincepie, we've got a few years Flowers

OP posts:
miltonj · 08/01/2022 17:47

@NotebookVsDiaries

It would be ridiculous to start again wouldn't it?

I have dreamed about taking a sabbatical and going travelling for 6 months once the youngest is old enough to be left or at uni. I don't know if I want to travel the world and go to yoga retreats and climb mountains or if I want another dc and that mum life again. I don't know if I'm ready to not be a mum anymore. I keep seeing my friends having babies and their cute toddlers toddling ect and think aww I want one! But I don't think I really do. I've had mine, it's time to let go of that and create a life outside of being a mum.

Deffo do the travelling! Don't start again, you've got your lovely kids (I'm sure Wink) don't do it twice! You could be grandma in ten years or so, spoiling them rotten and going on holidays in the sun!
Pugroll · 08/01/2022 17:50

Not that there is anything wrong with having another, but as you don't sound sure about it I wonder if it's because it feels like the comfortable choice? You know what to expect as you have done it twice, and freedom sounds scary! It sounds like you've done amazing setting your career up and giving your children a great start in life; I'm sure when the time is here you will find plenty to fill your time, and lots of stuff you want to do.

Summersdreaming · 08/01/2022 17:54

Nearly! I was 17 and dd is now 12 so a few bumpy years ahead, but a different planet to my friends who are just starting to have babies. I went to uni when dd was younger and now have a good career so I should be laughing by 40.. as long as I don't lose my mind and have another GrinWink

ParkheadParadise · 08/01/2022 17:58

I had Dd1 at 15

At 38 I found out I was 5 months pregnant with Dd2 🙉🙉
She's 6 now and I'm back to the school run 😂😂

BertieBotts · 08/01/2022 18:04

No, I've totally runed it by having two more :o

DS1 is 13 but DS2 is 3 and DS3 4mo.

It's absolutely lovely having gone back to those tiny days but OTOH it's made that finishing line seem even more important. I'm going to get the coil in ASAP I think and when that runs out it's time for DH to get the snip.

I would absolutely love to have a career, that's my next goal, just keep bouncing around like a dickhead from this idea to that and never sticking with anything Hmm

Waxonwaxoff0 · 08/01/2022 18:08

Not yet but this will be me in future. Had DS at 22 (my only child) and he is turning 9 this year. Everyone close to me are only just starting to have babies. I'm planning on doing lots of solo travelling when he goes off to uni (if he does!)

Couldn't think of anything worse than having another baby!

user1471468276 · 08/01/2022 18:37

I could have written this myself! I think, I'm realising that I don't know how to be an adult without a young child, if that makes sense. Its hard, I need to build my confidence again and find non mum stuff to do, which is exciting but scary. Luckily, my DD does occasionally like to spend time with me so doing things together can be more fun but, it is hard. I do have a partner but I'm not sure he really gets it. Another child keeps coming up for me too, not sure I really want that either but he definitely doesn't. Tbh, I think I'm partly driven by going back to something I know instead of the scary unknown. I've decided 2022 will be the year for me to let of go fear and do all of the strange things I've always wanted to try!

Original poster
NotebookVsDiaries · 08/01/2022 19:07

Yes @user1471468276 how do I be an adult without dependent dc!

I also don't feel I was the best mum. I was so young! I didn't drive, I was on benefits, I shouted way too much, dds first food was wotsits fgs. I would be such a different mother now! But maybe that isn't for the best - dd who was formula fed, weened on wotsits and white chocolate, 7pm bedtimes and lots of Dora the explorer is now predicted all 7 to 9s in her GCSEs. I must have done something right, but I have an urge to have another and do it properly!

But maybe that's the easy option. What I could do is actually do all the things I've dreamed of doing. I want to go to Nepal, I want to go on adventure holidays, I want to do research and be published, I have so much I want to do that I don't want to do with a kid in tow and all those horrendous school runs. I hated the primary school days! Why am I now longing to walk home with a little hand in my hand... I'm obviously looking back with rose coloured glasses as I hated it at the time!

OP posts:
Newgirls · 08/01/2022 19:12

You are still needed even when they are teens and 20s. They still have a lot to go through, college, uni, work, relationships etc and they still need you! It could even upset them if you had another baby and they might feel usurped. Def focus on your own life and interest and show them all the different ways to live that are out there!

SmithofSilver · 08/01/2022 19:19

I had my 2 in my early 20s and freedom is looming for me too. I am very much looking forward to it tbh. I've loved being their mum, even now they are teenagers I still love it. I have found though as they got more independent I have found more of a life for myself outside of them, I wouldn't dream of going back to having highly dependant little ones. I have friends and family with little ones and I sometimes look at think hmm? but then I see the relentlessness of it all and I think no thanks. I've had pretty much my entire adult life being a mum, round 2 is going to be for me!

Loveinacandle · 08/01/2022 19:44

@NotebookVsDiaries

Yes *@user1471468276* how do I be an adult without dependent dc!

I also don't feel I was the best mum. I was so young! I didn't drive, I was on benefits, I shouted way too much, dds first food was wotsits fgs. I would be such a different mother now! But maybe that isn't for the best - dd who was formula fed, weened on wotsits and white chocolate, 7pm bedtimes and lots of Dora the explorer is now predicted all 7 to 9s in her GCSEs. I must have done something right, but I have an urge to have another and do it properly!

But maybe that's the easy option. What I could do is actually do all the things I've dreamed of doing. I want to go to Nepal, I want to go on adventure holidays, I want to do research and be published, I have so much I want to do that I don't want to do with a kid in tow and all those horrendous school runs. I hated the primary school days! Why am I now longing to walk home with a little hand in my hand... I'm obviously looking back with rose coloured glasses as I hated it at the time!

Yep, Rose tinted glasses! I have the same feeling, it would be so much better now I know how to do it but...would it?? I think there is something beautiful in the naivety I had before. Like you, I have a wonderful teenager, who does brilliantly at everything, despite the fact that I had no idea how to look after her. Would it be the same or would I just be neurotic perfection and create a psychopath?? I'm finding new hobbies, learning to enjoy this phase and learning to be an adult. It's scary but exciting!