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Original poster

Hate having visitors because I spend hours cleaning and ignoring kids - help?!

40 replies

AmIAlone32 · 08/01/2022 12:08

Hi,

I think I get this from my parents. If we had visitors the day before / day of they'd be running around cleaning everything, skirting boards, windows, putting cushion covers in the wash etc.

I live with my DH and 2 young children under 4.
Whenever we have visitors I have to clean everything, I get stressed and I dread having people over because of this.

The house can get messy, and I do some cleaning everyday. But this really holds me back having people over!

When I go to other people's houses I really don't care if they're messy, or there's dust etc as I am there to see the person not their house.

If I tidy in the few days leading up to someone coming I end up having to do it all again anyway as the house gets messy again.

Any advice? We can't afford a cleaner, and even if we could I'd end up cleaning before she came so that's more stress 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIAlone32 · 08/01/2022 12:09

The ignoring kids bit isn't as bad as it sounds! They get food and cuddles etc but they do end up watching a lot of tv if I've got people coming round. That makes me feel guilty too.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 08/01/2022 12:10

I'm exactly the same! It's awful as well because when you have kids they're usually messing it up as you're cleaning it!

Original poster
AmIAlone32 · 08/01/2022 12:11

@Comedycook yes! Hence the hours of screen time 😫

OP posts:

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Buzzer3555 · 08/01/2022 12:25

No advice from me as I am just the same. I did try a cleaner but knackered myself before she came by rushing around cleaning everything

Camomila · 08/01/2022 12:29

I get DH to take mine to the playground if I want to do a big pre guest clean.

If your youngest is still too young to enjoy the playground your DH could just take the eldest while the youngest naps.

(Or DH could clean while you do the playground trip)

codexa · 08/01/2022 12:34

Does your DH direct operations from his perch on the couch?

Look, everyone goes the extra mile when visitors are coming over, it does not have to be perfect, get DH to do it, but he probably won't do it to your standards or something, the poor helpless man, so gets away with it.

Or maybe I am wrong and he does his bit. Whatever, loosen the ideal of perfection and you will be fine.

Original poster
AmIAlone32 · 08/01/2022 12:37

@Camomila Kids don't nap anymore!
My DH does clean, but it's not how i would clean it if you know what I mean? It is good though! When he does it I don't go over it again.

How fast are you at cleaning? It seems to take me ages, I've just dusted the bannisters/stairs.

Why?!

OP posts:
crimblecrumbles · 08/01/2022 12:37

I'm the same. We recently moved and everyone who comes round wants a full tour so the whole house needs to be spotless (in my mind). It's exhausting!

Original poster
AmIAlone32 · 08/01/2022 12:40

@codexa DH doesn't worry about this as much as me, he loves hosting. It's one of the things he enjoys the most, whereas I find it stressful.

He will clean and tidy up but it's done very quickly! No attention to detail

OP posts:
whenwillthedecoratingend · 08/01/2022 12:42

@codexa Wow! You must know some awful men for you to jump to such assumptions about OPs husband! That is a very broad brush you're tarring all men with!

IDontHaveThePelvisForAFuton · 08/01/2022 12:42

I bet you also say 'Sorry about the mess' despite your days of preparation Smile

People really don't care, op. You know that. You've got an ingrained mindset that people will judge you for not having a perfect house. Presumably these are family and friends that actually like you and know you have a lot on your plate.

Maybe try and see how much you can achieve in 30 minutes. I can quickly hoover the downstairs, quick wipe of the coffee table and other lounge surfaces, wipe around the loo and put cleaner down. Spray and wipe kitchen sides. Open a window for fresh air. If the cushions are manky shove them in a cupboard, visitors don't need cushions. Toys really don't matter, my dc are grown but when I visit friends with little ones I have no issues with toys all over the place.

Camomila · 08/01/2022 12:44

How fast are you at cleaning? It seems to take me ages, I've just dusted the bannisters/stairs.

I'm not particularly fast but we live in a 2 bed flat so not as much to do. 2/3h is enough to do everything (playground trip plus lunch at McDonalds/a cafe for the DC).

RedskyThisNight · 08/01/2022 12:48

I think you need to step away from the "house must be spotless" mindset. You say yourself you don't notice the state of anyone's house when you visit, so why should anyone else notice whether your skirting boards had been dusted and if your cushion covers have been washed (tries to remember when I last washed my cushion covers)?

Unless they are staying, you only need to clean the lounge and the toilet and I suspect DH's standard is perfectly good enough. Please spend the time with your children and not on cleaning!!

peboh · 08/01/2022 12:52

I wouldn't spend hours cleaning for guests. I keep my home clean and tidy enough by doing bits everyday that if a guest happened to stop by, I wouldn't need to worry about it being messy.
Im house proud, but I also have a child. If your prioritising guests over spending time with your children then you need to reset your mind frame.

GTAlogic · 08/01/2022 12:52

Wow I must be a proper slattern because I never tidy or clean up specifically for visitors. Having said that though, people just walk in to ours with no prior arrangement. No-one has ever said anything about the clutter or the crumbs on the carpet left over from dinner or the books all over the table or the Lego all over the floor.

Escapetothecounty · 08/01/2022 12:53

When I think of the houses I feel most comfortable in, they're not the cleanest show home houses. Whilst I admire those lovely clean houses, I tend to feel a bit on edge, always following the kids round making sure they're not making a mess/dropping crumbs etc. That might just be because I'm not naturally the cleanest/tidiest though.

I'm sure your guest don't notice whether the bannister gas been dusted OP or the skirting boards.

Could you ask you DH to arrange some of the social events out of the house though? Walk/pub lunch, soft play, nation trust?

irene9 · 08/01/2022 12:54

Maybe you are a bit worried about meeting people so this busyness helps with that anxiety.

StCharlotte · 08/01/2022 12:56

The thing about cleaning is that it just needs doing again so I miss a few goes and just do the minimum regularly.

Having said that, upstairs is a bit of a horror show at the moment but no visitors need to go up there and I've been ill this week so we might tackle that tomorrow.

SlamCrump · 08/01/2022 12:58

I have a friend who says "oh I tidy up and clean when everyone has left" - I wish I had the same mind-set - but never manage it somehow!

Dozer · 08/01/2022 12:59

I’m like this but with cooking. Similarly due to upbringing. Suggest trying NOT to do it and experiencing the discomfort.

Not a good plan to do it all yourself either: if DH’s standards of work are objectively crap then ask him to do it better. Or if they’re OK let it go.

Cherrytart23 · 08/01/2022 13:02

If I know I have visitors coming I will give the house a quick clean tidy up the night b4 when dc are in bed. Altho I don't do skirting boards and windows just the general clean/tidy. Then next morning I keep kids entertained either take them out for few hours soft play,park,long walk with dog untill time for visitor or go into there room play games in their. When we get home dc are ready for some chill out time watching t.v so I can catch up with whoever it is thats visiting.

yourestandingonmyneck · 08/01/2022 13:07

It's hard. Sadly I just have a lot less guests these days.

The guests I do have are people who really don't mind the mess and understand what it is like. But even then I do need to put quite a bit of effort in to get it even to a half decent standard.

I've kind of just accepted that's how it will be until the kids are a bit older.

Could you just meet people at their houses / out for walks / cafes / pubs until the kids are a bit older and it won't be as hard?

Serenschintte · 08/01/2022 13:09

Your visitors have come to see you, not to judge the state of your house
Give yourself an allotted time - 30 mins max. Ask your DH to do the same. Kids to do a couple of jobs. Then that’s enough.

IcicleIcicle · 08/01/2022 13:10

Honestly OP? Your standards are too high! I get it because I used to be the same but it's bloody exhausting and caused me loads of unnecessary stress so I've slowly trained myself out of it. I realised I had a whole set of 'rules' about what absolutely had to be done before anyone came and that when I really thought about it most of them were ridiculous.

We have dogs, they're bathed regularly and bedding washed plenty often enough for nothing to be overly doggy, and yet I used to insist no one could come unless I'd bathed them in the last 48 hours and changed all their bedding. My house is generally clean, floors and surfaces cleaned often, bathrooms and kitchen etc, and yet the lot would have to be done again so it was 'fresh'. And a million other things, all unnecessary, all adding extra work and stress and meaning I never enjoyed having guests.

I think it was anxiety-driven, not actually sure what caused it but I feel a lot more in control of it now. It was a long process but essentially I forced myself to leave one item off my 'must be done' list each time, of course no one noticed or cared and I reminded myself of that every time I struggled with leaving something else undone. Slowly the message went home, no one cared so I didn't need to either!

I still do the basics, quick tidy round, spray the sofa with Febreze in case there's any dog whiffs, make sure the loo is clean etc but it's not stressy anymore and I genuinely like having people round now. In my case it was definitely stress of my own making and it sounds like it might be for you too OP, worth thinking about Flowers

Plutonium7000 · 08/01/2022 13:11

I am the same OP! I'm glad it's not just me. And I also don't give a shit about how tidy anyone else's home is when I visit I have had to to have a word with myself. Now when I have visitors I have a list of cleaning jobs and I stick to it religiously because I know it doesn't take long and it just covers the main things people will notice. It's something like this:

Tidy toys away (the kids do this)
Tidy general junk that has collected in kitchen (paperwork etc) into one big pile on the side.
Straighten up cushions/throws in living room.
Load dishwasher
Clean downstairs toilet and sink
Sweep/hoover downstairs

Upstairs rooms and the actual stairs don't get touched unless I know someone is going to use the upstairs bathroom - and then it's just a quick wipe round sink, windowsill and toilet. Bath/shower/floor don't get touched.

DH and I have l also started spending 1hr tidying cleaning the house on a Thurs eve whilst the kids watch TV. It's part of a routine for us all and means that the house is generally not too disgusting and a quick whizz round before guests is good enough.

Step away from the banisters and cushions!!! Seriously that is madness. (I used to do this too tho)