Hate having visitors because I spend hours cleaning and ignoring kids - help?!

[AmIAlone32]

Hi,

I think I get this from my parents. If we had visitors the day before / day of they'd be running around cleaning everything, skirting boards, windows, putting cushion covers in the wash etc.

I live with my DH and 2 young children under 4.
Whenever we have visitors I have to clean everything, I get stressed and I dread having people over because of this.

The house can get messy, and I do some cleaning everyday. But this really holds me back having people over!

When I go to other people's houses I really don't care if they're messy, or there's dust etc as I am there to see the person not their house.

If I tidy in the few days leading up to someone coming I end up having to do it all again anyway as the house gets messy again.

Any advice? We can't afford a cleaner, and even if we could I'd end up cleaning before she came so that's more stress 😂

In fact the Thurs eve clean is 30mins not an hour. Seems that be enough when done regularly. My house is not spotless tho, it definitely feels lived and not show home.

@peboh You're right I do need to reset my mind frame. I often feel sad that I do prioritise cleaning over the kids. I know when they are grown that I will look back and feel very sad about this.

I do keep the house tidy but it's not 'guest ready' all the time. It really stresses me out if people come round.

To those who mentioned going out / to other peoples houses- we've done that A LOT and I think now people are wondering why they never come here? (Mainly my friends!

Thank you everyone for the replies! It's good to know I'm not alone in this madness!

If the people coming have children I know they will be all over the house so I end up doing a ridiculous amount of cleaning. Even changing the kids bedsheets.

I actually feel; even at the end of my cleaning spree that there is loads more to do and it's still not enough.

As a child I never had friends round to visit, never had a birthday party at our house etc I don't want that for my kids.

Thanks for the advice given here, I'm definitely going to try, I know I need to let go somehow....

@irene9 This is definitely true.
I also avoid my friends when I gain weight! Whole other issue.

My mum used to do this.

Hours of cleaning and stress before people came over, rows with my dad as a result because he was frustrated at it. Rooms off limits to visitors and absolute terror that people might go in. Again, rows because my dad hadn't sufficiently closed a door to an off limits room when visitors were here. The early visitor - that would be the absolute worst. I have definitely adopted some of these traits and I hate it.

Please stop, OP. Teach your kids that having friends and family to visit is a source of joy.

Please imagine that people have come over, and you haven't cleaned or tidied up. At all. And please answer the question - what is the absolute worst that could happen as a result? Why is that so bad?

Are there other things in your life you are anxious about?

@Stiltonlover Absolute worst thing? I feel embarrassed, and they don't ever come over again.... now I've said that maybe that's the way to go! Haha.

I'm actually anxious over a lot of things, someone hurting the kids, I get anxious driving now whereas I never used to (I think this is because DH drives more). I avoid my friends as I've gained a lot of weight so some I haven't seen since August.
I feel stupid when I talk to people and I find people are starting to look at me confused.
And lots more!
I also have low self esteem, and I'm stupid to boot!

I'm ashamed to say that used to be me Stiltonlover, and you're right, teaching kids that having friends and family over should be joyful is a million times more important than any amount of cleaning. That idea will stay with me, thanks

I categorise, so certain good friends with children the same age have seen my house on its worst day, I swallow the shame because I've seen theirs too!

Then the levels go up to my parents, where I'd be just like you.

It's hard, I just try to swallow the shame!!

You're not stupid AmIAlone32, that's the low self esteem talking! It does sound like you could maybe do with some help with your anxiety generally though if you're worrying about lots of other things too. I've had meds (antidepressants) before and they've helped with anxiety so that's one option but I've had the most success from reading up on anxiety and low self esteem so I understood it properly and then doing what I now realise is basically CBT on myself.

I had a bit of a lightbulb moment when I realised I would never even think the things I said to myself (stupid, fat, useless, shit mum, shit wife etc etc) about anyone else, much less actually say them and that if I did say them I would be a horrendous bully, so why was I effectively bullying myself? It sounds like that's what you're doing too and the cleaning is part and parcel of it. I know it's not really why you posted but I can't help but think the anxiety and low self esteem is the root of the problem and probably what you really need to address

Oh OP they don't ever come over again.... now I've said that maybe that's the way to go!
Why don't you want to see people?

It sounds a lot like you lack the confidence to believe your friends and family will love you regardless of whether your house is messy, you're fat, you don't have anything clever to say. Hence you're avoiding and, when you can't, you're doing the little bits you can to help feel in control somehow.

The avoiding is a dangerous path to go down because it's a short term solution but it makes the problem even worse.

Get back in the car. Go at night. Go on a motorway. Just do it.
See all the friends you're avoiding. No one will care if you've put on a bit of weight.
If you don't, and you keep avoiding, your world will gradually shrink until these things that you've not done for a couple of months become things you've not done for a couple of years, then many years, and then it's insurmountable.

Good advice from icicle above. And you are not stupid - of course not - you just need to get your mojo back.

Agree with others, it's not the visitors who are the problem, you are being much too hard on yourself. You do not need to wash cushion covers because guests are coming!

The Organised Mum blog is a good place to look because Gemma who set it up was also demanding far too much of herself housework wise.

Link here

I'm the same. I've stopped having people over.

I'm the same. It's amazing how I can get a week's worth of cleaning done in an hour before people come round 🤣

@IcicleIcicle thank you for your response, yes I think you're probably right and maybe it's just the tip of the iceberg!

@Stiltonlover I read your comment and I actually had a little cry to myself earlier. Thank you for being so nice to me. And what you said is true.

I think my world is already pretty small, the pandemic was ideal as it meant I didn't have to see people or invite them around! I do miss my friends, we will text and so on but I mostly see them every 3-4 months. I like to call myself a 'low maintenance' friend. I'd be there for them straight away if they ever needed me though.

Whilst I was cleaning something earlier I remembered about when I was a child and we'd go to visit my auntie. Her house was always messy, and she'd only ever have milk and cola in the fridge. My mum would always say horrible things about her home, but she was actually the best aunt out of all of them! (13 siblings on mums side and 16 on dads) she was so much fun and introduced me and my sister to gaming :) which we loved.

Anywayyyyy, my mum would always tell me how messy I am, that I'm like my auntie. But I shared a room with my older sister and we had bunk beds and she had the bottom one and took over the whole room with her stuff! So I didn't feel like cleaning when everything didn't belong to me. For years I was always told that I'm messy etc so I wonder if that's where it's come from as well? I'm actually tidier than my sister!

I don't know why I wrote all of that and I'm so sorry 😅

Oh @AmIAlone32 I didn't mean for you to cry at my comment
Please don't be sorry for starting to explore where all this comes from. You aren't your mother! And your aunt sounds great wouldn't it be fun to be more like her, and not care about the mess? You loved her anyway. People will love you, anyway.

An idea - start daring yourself to do some little things - start small - that you've been avoiding or that feel a bit scary. Maybe that's dropping your friends a message or going for a short drive on your own. Do it, celebrate that you've done it (whether it goes well or not - nothing in life always goes perfectly - but you did it) and start building up from there.
I really like one of the lines in the Baz Lurhmann song Sunscreen - "do one thing every day that scares you". I definitely don't manage that but I think it's a healthy ambition. If we stay all our lives avoiding things we find scary, we will have a very safe life but we won't have grown or learnt anything about ourselves or the world.
You can do this OP.