I hate being autistic, I wish I didn’t but I do.

[wombatsandautism]

Not always but most of the time.

It’s not all sunshine and roses like those #actuallyautistic people would have you believe. Not all of them I know.

I wasn’t diagnosed till I was 16. And I struggled so much for ever and ages with it. Just because I wasn’t diagnosed till later, doesn’t mean I’m less mild, all it means is I was able to mask well.

Well really I don’t think I masked too well, I remember having a meltdown as a classmate took my usual chair and wouldn’t give it back and the teacher didn’t see it as a big deal. Yeah.

I’ve had meltdowns over smaller things too.

I’m now 26, I’m hoping to work soon but I need to lose weight to do the job I want to do. Also getting assessed fir adhd soon.

At one point in my life I was content with being autistic but now I’m really not. I never understood the whole it’s a gift thing, it’s a super power. Maybe for some it is, for the majority it’s bloody well not.

I’m getting therapy starting next week, I hope this will help. I just want to be content with it again. But I have significant mental health issues too.

Thanks if you read this far.

I totally understand OP. It's definitely not a super power for me.
I can't hold down a job without burnout after a few months and I'm 42 and still mask so bad that I don't know who I am or what I like half of the time.
I have no friends and I don't really want them as I can't deal with their demands on me.
I'm married to a man with ADHD and we understand each other and our ways thankfully.

My eldest child is diagnosed autistic too and had major issues as a young teen. He's much better now as a young adult but very set in his ways.
It's hard isn't it.

Yes - it can be shit, especially when you mask well!
And all those people on social media going on about superpowers and claiming artists long dead for their group - to my DS and DD they seem to be a bit desperate.
DS and DD (both young adults) say that - for them - the problems created by ADD are bigger than those created by AS. So perhaps an ADD diagnosis + the coping strategies after that will make your life easier.

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

Yes - it can be shit, especially when you mask well! And all those people on social media going on about superpowers and claiming artists long dead for their group - to my DS and DD they seem to be a bit desperate. DS and DD (both young adults) say that - for them - the problems created by ADD are bigger than those created by AS. So perhaps an ADD diagnosis + the coping strategies after that will make your life easier.

Yeah, I think adhd is worse for me too. I’m hoping some coping strategies will help me greatly. But I dunno, I’m just feeling a bit hopeless.

Awful isn't it
All my life I have cycled between different "personalities" and have never settled on one. I have no idea how to know what I genuinely like and what is just part of a persona I've created.
I end up getting so consumed by the persona that I base my whole life around them. Change what I read, watch, wear, say etc.
After a few weeks/months I find myself drawn to a different persona and it starts all over again.
I can't accomplish anything because of this.

I hate being autistic. I can’t work and it’s debilitating
Can’t even deal with for example if someone needs to come and fix something in the house
Can’t take dc to medical appts etc

My dh has to work part time because of me and I feel guilty

Agree OP. The “autism is my superpower” people can fuck off. But rather than hating my autism, I hate other people’s ignorance about it, as that’s what makes the world so hard for us. The lack of recognition of our struggles due to it being a hidden disability is so frustrating.

And then the people Who state they “identify as autistic” but aren’t going to get a diagnosis as “it only affects them mildly and they’re perfectly happy” drive me nuts. To get a diagnosis means you have demonstrated that you have a “clinically significant impact in daily activities” - this is not a mild condition. I know that it is extremely hard - particularly for women - to get referred but I'm not referring to them. Just the ones that enjoy being fashionably quirky and identifying as autistic helps self-promote their branding. They don’t want a diagnosis as they probably know they’re unlikely to be diagnosed.

Thank you for your post, OP, and I'm sorry that autism makes your life so difficult.

I have spent most of my career as a teacher of autistic children, and my daughter is autistic (but masked very well for a long time).

The whole 'autism is a superpower' thing infuriates me, as does some autistic people's refusal to understand that their autism isn't everyone else's. I know that the families I worked with found it agonising to have people brush off their problems and those of their children with what I saw as toxic positivity.

Good for you for articulating it and speaking up. I'm probably not, though I wonder at times as I share some traits and uncertainties. I hope you don't mind me commenting.

I think it's crap though, to ignore the difficulties people with autism face. It's also rubbish when people reject the possibility that people with autism may unintentionally and accidentally appear uncaring or behave in a way that upsets someone.

Autism inevitably makes relationships harder, for both parties. It's ridiculous to ignore that.

Recognising some of the pressure points and problems makes it easier to manage and sidestep issues, in my opinion.

I think organising your life to avoid the situations that cause problems is the only way to go, if you can. Once you reduce the stress from situations you find hard, it's much easier to manage.

I think it's really important to concentrate on getting life the way you like it rather than only on getting skills to manage life in the 'NT' world.

Is there anything you can let go of, to make life easier? Reduce contact with the things that you struggle with? Someone I support is reducing their social exposure. No longer doing the expected social stuff, just because it's expected, has been a huge relief to them. He's also managed to arrange permanent home working. A relative has gone NC with some family members she can't cope with. It's not ideal, but it's better than the constant flaming rows/meltdowns she had to go through.

Me too. Not diagnosed till mid 30s after a few periods of stress related absence. The stress of pretending to be normal at work all the time and getting my work done in an environment that sets off my sensory issues kept leading to burnout. I honestly think that me working 37 hours is the equivalent of a neurotypical person working 50 hours, doable but not sustainable in the long term.

I'm sorry @PeaceONoeuf . I didn't mean to have a pop. That wasn't my intention at all.

I just see it as one of the struggles for some people with autism- that their cues are misinterpreted by NT people.

@PeaceONoeuf

A couple of posts in on a support thread and people are already criticising people with asd? Brilliant. So what if parents don’t like something - they can start their own thread. (Im also a parent of people with asd). People with asd can appear uncaring. Thanks for coming on to have a pop.

OP is criticising other people with ASC who make her life more difficult by denying her problems. Those people exist, and we are supporting OP by recognising that.

People with autism are no more perfect than the rest of us. Criticism of those that hold a particular view is perfectly reasonable. It would be very patronising to accept views from them that we wouldn't accept from others.

I completely agree, and I really relate to pp’s about struggling with identity! I’ve always been desperate to seem as ‘normal’ as possible, and try to copy how other nt people act.
No one knows I’m autistic, other than my Dr and HR at work, because I’m ashamed to tell people. Instead most think I’m shy, weird / awkward. It’s ruined my mental health - e.g., I have been diagnosed with moderate depression, a lot of which stems from my low self esteem of not fitting in. Autistic people are more likely to have suicidal ideation than the general population too, which doesn’t surprise me.

I’m still coming to terms with how much it affects my career prospects too, when I was child I was misled by my school in thinking as long as you are polite and work hard i.e., achieve good grades, go to university and listen to authority etc you will have decent prospects but in my opinion that isn’t true. Graduate employment is more competitive than ever now and I’d say ‘communication skills’ are arguably the most important skill for any career path. Sadly, it just doesn’t come easy to us 🤷‍♀️ and many ‘nt’ people laugh or mock us, even in supposedly politically correct workplaces.
Now I’m fortunate to hold down a full time corporate job which pays above average salary for my age (but I find it soo exhausting having to juggle a heavy workload and masking.) I know you shouldn’t compare yourself with others, but it still hurts observing some peers at work who started at a similar time, as I just know they will be promoted much quicker because they’re seen as better at their job. I don’t think they are really any better at the work m, it’s more the fact they are better communicators, less awkward and not having to worry about ‘masking’ like us. That’s not to say I don’t think they deserve to do well, I’m not a bitter person despite how stereotypes of autism depict us to be cold or heartless. It just hurts when you feel less competent.

I’ve noticed the corporate world have started to discuss neurodiversity more, almost like their latest trend within diversity and inclusion but it’s mostly talk and no real actions from my experience. First of all, just because we’re autistic doesn’t mean we want to be software developers (the stereotypes are so male-centric)

Autistic and disability charities are certainly better at providing support in finding work, and holding down a job. However, this may be an unpopular opinion - most of it is low pay and/or low skilled. I once received an internship offer from a very large bank who partnered with a charity but the salary and the actual experience being offered wasn’t great. (Didn’t meet up with experience/salary their ‘mainstream’ internships the same company also did)
It felt like they only offered such experience for good PR rather than actually wanting to make a difference but maybe I’m being too fussy and should know my place as an autistic person

Autism has already made my life that much harder, I’ve always hoped the least I could wish for is a decent enough career that doesn’t make me struggle financially. Not to mention, life with autism can often be more expensive as we have more particular tastes, having to pay to see a psychiatrist privately for diagnosis etc.

Hi OP

I’m really sorry you feel so down and defeated. I have a DS with ADHD ( primary aged) and see every day just how hard his life is ( particularly compared to his NT sibling).

I’d agree with others that it might be worth persuing an ADHD diagnosis. There are also some helpful ADHD specific charities ( ADHD foundation) that have links to resources and coping strategies to help manage life with ADHD. Also - although it’s a bit of a double edged sword there are some people on Twitter with ADHD who have helped me understand my son and are definitely not in the super power camp - @danidonovan has some great visuals and is very honest about her struggles with ADHD.

I’m not at all suggesting these will help in a big way but incase it’s helpful to dip into and see others sharing their struggles with ADHD.

Thanks for all the replies guys.

We had two friends of my parents round, and I’m bloody exhausted, but it was nice, I like talking to people. I hate that I get so exhausted though, and I know that’s part of my autism, but I also crave social interaction. It’s very difficult.

@wombatsandautism

Thanks for all the replies guys.

We had two friends of my parents round, and I’m bloody exhausted, but it was nice, I like talking to people. I hate that I get so exhausted though, and I know that’s part of my autism, but I also crave social interaction. It’s very difficult.

I get that, and I'm not autistic! I like company but stress about it beforehand and just want to lie down afterwards! I'm glad you had a good time with them though.

I agree OP. I hate having autism. I’m adult diagnosed early 40 after it was missed when I was 16. I struggle with basic friendships. I dread the time, not long when I won’t have family support. I manage work but then need sleep or rest.

There is no support available in my area or as far as I can see anywhere for adults who pass a certain coping level but missed social skills training. (I don’t know the correct terms, people can function just about).

I’m lonely. There is a thread in site stuff about getting an adult with ASD/ND - currently MNetters with SEN. I generally find it quiet, maybe by the nature of ASD.

Having people over is so tiring isn't it.
I didn't see my mum for 9 months because of covid and was glad to see her, but also really glad when she went. I struggled for two days with sheer exhaustion after that.

I’m also going out tonight to one of my friends house so I’m going to be exhausted tomorrow. But I’ve been craving social interaction so need to go, otherwise I’ll be sad.