I hate being autistic, I wish I didn’t but I do.

[wombatsandautism]

Not always but most of the time.

It’s not all sunshine and roses like those #actuallyautistic people would have you believe. Not all of them I know.

I wasn’t diagnosed till I was 16. And I struggled so much for ever and ages with it. Just because I wasn’t diagnosed till later, doesn’t mean I’m less mild, all it means is I was able to mask well.

Well really I don’t think I masked too well, I remember having a meltdown as a classmate took my usual chair and wouldn’t give it back and the teacher didn’t see it as a big deal. Yeah.

I’ve had meltdowns over smaller things too.

I’m now 26, I’m hoping to work soon but I need to lose weight to do the job I want to do. Also getting assessed fir adhd soon.

At one point in my life I was content with being autistic but now I’m really not. I never understood the whole it’s a gift thing, it’s a super power. Maybe for some it is, for the majority it’s bloody well not.

I’m getting therapy starting next week, I hope this will help. I just want to be content with it again. But I have significant mental health issues too.

Thanks if you read this far.

@wombatsandautism

I’m also going out tonight to one of my friends house so I’m going to be exhausted tomorrow. But I’ve been craving social interaction so need to go, otherwise I’ll be sad.

Like you I crave social interaction but it is tiring and I don’t have the skills.

Sometimes there is a misunderstanding that no autistic people want social interaction. Although some are quite content or need little or no interaction as with everything else people with autism are all different.

I have a friend who visits regularly. He's up front about turning down invitations when he feels it's too much, or not the right time. He really enjoys the food, chat and a board game, and is a joy to have visit. He's really self aware and knows when he needs company and when to avoid it.

Is it easier visiting people's homes so you can leave when you've had enough, or inviting them to yours where you can organise things the way you like best?

@wombatsandautism, I hope you don't mind me joining your thread, but I, too, hate having autism and agree that the misconception that all people with autism have 'superpowers' is just plain wrong! Yes, I have an extraordinary memory for facts, figures, dates and numbers, but I wouldn't call it a 'superpower', simply having a good memory. Not always a positive either - I cannot forget things which I wish I could, cringe inducing faux pas or innapropriate conversations or things I did 20, 30, 40 years ago!
I have always struggled to navigate my way through life, from education to work and careers, friendships, personal and intimate relationships and so forth. I live a very simple, if unconventional life, as that suits me - familiarity and routine is my 'comfort blanket', but it has led to a lifetime of lonliness, isolation and a feeling of always being the odd one out, never feeling that I have acheived much, low self esteem and anxiety and that people only tolerate me and don't actually welcome my company. I hate it, absolutely hate it and wish to goodness that I were neurotypical and more 'normal'!
I am a different demographic to you - twice your age, and more, and male, but much prefer the company of women as I feel far less intimidated or odd and much more comfortable in the company of women. My few friends, all of whom I value enormously, are women, and I just feel 'safer' with them - they accept me as I am, don't look on me as being 'strange', 'quirky' or 'not normal' and seem happy to either talk with me or spend time in my company.

Sorry, OP, I have hijacked your thread a little, just to put my own thoughts down, but I do empathise and identify with your comments. I can offer no advice (if I could, it would be a case of 'physician, heal thyself' and my own life would feel better and more stable!), but wish you nothing but the best and hope that you are able to embrace your uniqueness

@picklemewalnuts

I have a friend who visits regularly. He's up front about turning down invitations when he feels it's too much, or not the right time. He really enjoys the food, chat and a board game, and is a joy to have visit. He's really self aware and knows when he needs company and when to avoid it.

Is it easier visiting people's homes so you can leave when you've had enough, or inviting them to yours where you can organise things the way you like best?

I’m not sure which I prefer. I don’t like going to peoples houses as it’s unfamiliar but it’s easier to end the time out. I like people coming here but then I have no control over people leaving. Both are very difficult.

But I had a good time last night, we watched naked attraction in the background which was hilarious. And I had a small drink, and we have tgi Fridays which was good.

I’ve come to conclusion that whilst I hate being autistic, I hate the adhd symptoms more. I’m out of control, I’m so impulsive, I keep annoying people with impulsive actions. I’m so forgetful, I’m so bored all the time, I’m so tired with my brain. I can’t stop moving, I can’t stop randomly standing up. I’m struggling to concentrate on things. I just I dunno, I need to get diagnosed. I need to broach non stimulant meds with my psychiatrist as I can’t go on stimulants.

That sounds really hard, wombats. I wrestle with those things, at I'm sure a much lower level, but it does frustrate me terribly. I have fibromyalgia which impacts it, I think, and I just feel like I 'should' be able to do so much more- be more productive, concentrate better, sit still/move more- just 'be better'.