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Original poster

If you recognised someone here, what would you do?

44 replies

Crazygf · 07/01/2022 09:48

I have see posts on here off my partners exw. It was referencing a previous thread so I search the username and it was clear it was her. I have now seen a few things I shouldn’t but don’t know what to do. I can’t really tell her, I don’t have a relationship with her except when it’s logical about the children, I want to tell my partner as something she’s written about will impact our life through the children but then feel it’s an invasion of her privacy.
I want to carry on looking but know it’s bad to do so.

OP posts:
Daisy38 · 07/01/2022 09:56

Sounds tricky. I know this is an anonymous forum, but because people are generally discussing things that are personal to them, there’s always a risk they will be recognised. I know you don’t really have a relationship with her but is there any way you can steer the conversation in that particular direction the next time you have to be in touch with her and see if she mentions anything?

Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 09:59

Depends on so much

A close friend and they’re posting something sensitive or concerning? I would get in contact and explain I’ve identified them on mumsnet but really all i am concreted about is them and how I can help

If an acquaintance, I would be very nosy and do an advanced search!

AppleKatie · 07/01/2022 10:00

I would watch and say nothing.

Unless I though it was going to negatively affect DH/the DC and then I would tell him how to find the posts.

Whatayear81 · 07/01/2022 10:00

As for what you’ve discovered
It’s impossible to comment without knowing the detail
Are you concerned about the children?

NellieBertram · 07/01/2022 10:03

Nothing anyone writes on a public message board is private, so by reading it and telling your husband you aren't invading her privacy.

Her threads could easily be printed in the Daily Mail.

LindaEllen · 07/01/2022 10:04

If it's going to affect your lives, and you're sure it's her, tell him.

Tbf a lot of people write absolute shit on here anyway. I recognised someone on here from a really outing situation she posted about, but a lot of her other posts are absolute bollocks and not true to her life whatsoever.

Original poster
Crazygf · 07/01/2022 10:09

we don’t really talk as such, I might text when I’m outside to get the children or when I’m leaving work or arrange times and days to holidays etc but she doesn’t come out so we don’t have conversations as such and I don’t really like her

It’s like part of me wants to read it all and gossip (I wasn’t the ow but she’s been really nasty about me in the past and made our life difficult), the other part feels I should come off mumsnet all together now so she can keep her privacy and I’m not tempted to read it all

Just wanted to know what others would do

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/01/2022 10:12

If I were you I would name change, then send her a private message to say you’ve recognised her and she should do a name change if she wants to keep using MN.

Then try hard not to ‘find’ her again and try not to worry about whatever the DC-related issue is because it will come out IRL sooner or later.

TragicallyUnbeyachted · 07/01/2022 10:14

When I've recognised someone over something casual or trivial I've messaged them and said "hey, is that you? This is who I am" so that we're at least on an equal footing.

The one time I definitely recognised someone who was posting about something sensitive and personal I just dropped Mumsnet into a conversation. I didn't want her to know that I'd recognised her but at the same time she was very identifiable from her posts taken together and I thought it might be a good thing if she realised that people she knew IRL also used MN and factored that in to how much she shared under one username.

Atla · 07/01/2022 10:15

^^ what @NoSquirrels said.

Send her a message, let her know she's been recognised. You don't have to identify yourself and then it's up to her what she does.

Crunchymum · 07/01/2022 10:18

Personally I'd NC, mesage her and say you think you've recognised her in RL and advise her to NC.

Up to her if she does or doesn't?

Original poster
Crazygf · 07/01/2022 10:21

@Whatayear81 and @AppleKatie
she’s pregnant and is going to go for full custody of my sc so she can claim high amounts of CSA. My partner has always had at least 50/50 plus extra in holidays and whenever we can and my partner is now a high earner.
Iv also noticed some things the dsc have been saying and it’s becoming clear, only recently they have been complaining about our house being too far away (30 mins from their school) I thought odd seeing as Iv always lived here and they moved in 3 years ago. Now I’m worried she’s been telling them all sorts so they won’t want to come here and she has more chance of getting them. My partner and me would be devastated

OP posts:
Daisy38 · 07/01/2022 10:34

I think in this case I wouldn’t say anything to her but I would tell your partner so that you can both be prepared if and when she goes for full custody. She can’t hide a pregnancy for very long, so just congratulate her when she tells you both and then if she starts legal action, act surprised but because you know about it, you can have everything ready to rebut anything she says and you can be prepared to argue why the current arrangement should remain. Good luck with whatever is coming!

NoSquirrels · 07/01/2022 10:36

The new baby shouldn’t change your DH’s agreement on 50-50 shared care, though. A court won’t vary that on a whim.

SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 07/01/2022 10:39

Bad form to read back through all her posts but that's a massive and horrible thing to do to your family. I would name change and comment telling her what a cow she's being Blush

Original poster
Crazygf · 07/01/2022 10:44

@NoSquirrels I’m worried because she will be at home full time, lives nearer the school and that the dsc will want to stay more with her and this cute new baby in their new family bubble and we end up loosing them despite what a court awards.
I also have my own dc the same ages as my dsc and I couldn’t even think about what I would do if it was my child’s dad having them full time.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 07/01/2022 10:46

There’s nothing you can do about any of those worries though. Not realistically.

Their DF just needs to make sure he’s being a great dad, and that coming to yours is a good experience.

New babies aren’t all that for a lot of children!

Babynames2 · 07/01/2022 10:47

That’s awful of her but I don’t think a court would allow that if 50/50 is working so far. I wouldn’t let her know, especially if you know she’s going to attempt something like that. I would let your DH know however, to be as prepared as possible. And when she tells you she’s pregnant I would just congratulate and offer to have the SC any extra time necessary (over text/email so it’s in writing and she can’t claim that your DH isn’t fulfilling 50/50 care and you can prove you are and are happy to do more).

Original poster
Crazygf · 07/01/2022 10:49

@SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree I haven’t read through all the posts, just a few and one was because she was referring back to one.
Obviously my life has similar issues to deal with as hers, both step mums, both have children the same ages, both divorced same time and children going to other parents so it doesn’t surprised me that our paths have crossed on here.

OP posts:
SNUG2022 · 07/01/2022 10:53

Keep watching her! Forewarned is forearmed. Don't say anything to your dh.

busyeatingbiscuits · 07/01/2022 10:56

[quote Crazygf]**@Whatayear81* and @AppleKatie*
she’s pregnant and is going to go for full custody of my sc so she can claim high amounts of CSA. My partner has always had at least 50/50 plus extra in holidays and whenever we can and my partner is now a high earner.
Iv also noticed some things the dsc have been saying and it’s becoming clear, only recently they have been complaining about our house being too far away (30 mins from their school) I thought odd seeing as Iv always lived here and they moved in 3 years ago. Now I’m worried she’s been telling them all sorts so they won’t want to come here and she has more chance of getting them. My partner and me would be devastated[/quote]
Pretty sure she's going to know now Grin

AppleKatie · 07/01/2022 10:58

Forewarned is forearmed.

But did she actually say on here- I want to reduce DCs contact with my ex so that I can get more maintenance?

I can’t imagine anything other than her having her arse handed to her on the thread if it’s that blatant.

ABCDEF1234 · 07/01/2022 10:59

I would tell /show your partner and no one else

MargaretThursday · 07/01/2022 11:00

I had that once. it was friend of a friend who posted a potentially sensitive question about one of their dc's with identical words on FB and in a lesser used topic here. My friend had commented on FB and it was something I know a little about, so I'd also replied on FB.
What I did was copy my reply word for word on here, which I thought would give her the heads up it was recognisable without making a big thing about it.

I've also seen where someone put a "lost toy" with photo simultaneously on her and our local chat group. I did nothing there as I didn't know them at all, and they must have been aware that people would see both. I'm sure I wasn't the only one.

Appledrop · 07/01/2022 11:00

@AppleKatie

Forewarned is forearmed.

But did she actually say on here- I want to reduce DCs contact with my ex so that I can get more maintenance?

I can’t imagine anything other than her having her arse handed to her on the thread if it’s that blatant.

That's just it, we don't know the ex wife's side of the story.

@busyeatingbiscuits was going to say the same thing Wink

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