Petty first world problem, being the meh friend strikes again.

[Peripherique]

Talk me down as I am itching to write a very passive aggressive reply on a group chat but I know it’s a bad idea.

For context, I’ve always struggled with friendships, I’m what has been described on here as the ‘meh’ friend, sometimes invited and included but always on the edge of the group, never anyone’s best friend. It’s been the same my whole life and across every social group (school, work, hobbies, evening classes etc..). I’ve sort of accepted it as my lot in life to be honest and try not to get upset when I’m left out but I’m finding this one tough. I did post about this under another name last year but it’s recently come up again.

There’s a large-ish group of women on the group chat, we all have a hobby in common and the group chat is a way of organising stuff to do with that. There are also smaller cliques as some live closer to others, have similar timetables etc, that’s pretty normal. There’s been several collections in the last few years for ‘0’ birthdays, a couple of baby showers and an engagement. So far so normal but when it was my big ‘0’ birthday last January - right in the height of lockdown - no collection was done for me. Another member of the group had the same 0 birthday in May, we were just coming out of lockdown but there was a big collection, a lunch (outside) arranged for her, a massive fuss was made for her. I wasn’t too happy seeing as mine was totally ignored but didn’t say anything to anyone as it’s childish and petty I know. But now it’s all happening again, another woman on the group has a 0 birthday in a couple of weeks (two days after my birthday) and lo and behold there’s a collection, and a lunch and even a weekend away being discussed. I haven’t responded to any of it yet as I just want to tell them all to Fuck off!! or post a comment like… “it’s so nice to do a collection for X, she will feel so happy that her friends make a fuss of her on her special birthday”. To be honest they’ve probably totally forgotten about mine last year (it was totally shit) so the comment wouldn’t make any difference.

I know full well there’s nothing I can do, I know I’m not important enough to anyone to make a fuss of me. I’m just metaphorically stamping my feet like a brat and wailing it’s not fair!! I just feel taken advantage of, I'm good enough to contribute to the collections but not good enough to be the recipient. I am debating just ignoring and not taking part at all but then I do really like this woman and if I don't take part I'm going to miss out on the get together.

Id say that Id already organised something.

I'd say just realised we all missed mine and see what they say.

That is rubbish and hurtful. Did they know it was your birthday? Or do you keep it quiet?
I think you should have spoken up at the time really though, rather than fester.

I’d say something like, “Yes she’ll enjoy that. I was so fed up when it was my ‘0’ birthday last January and I couldn’t do anything” And wait for the penny to drop. But I’m evil 😈

Did they know it was your birthday?

To be honest I think I'd want to gracefully remove myself.

Unless they have no idea that it's your birthday I'd assume that they don't see you in the same way as the other friends.

This is hurtful and I think I'd rather find new friends than feel like an extra.

It's not very nice, but maybe this just isn't the right group for you op

@DixieSun

I'd say just realised we all missed mine and see what they say.

Why don't you just do this? You could do a joint '0' together. Don't forget EVERYONE missed birthdays and other celebrations last year and you're right they probably have all forgotten now. But it's ok to remind everyone- just be honest and say, would anyone mind making this a joint one for me too?

Could you say something like 'Can't believe I'm nearly 31 already! Where has the year gone?'
How does the group keep track of birthdays? Do people mention it in advance or is there a calendar? January might just be a bad time for collections as everyone's skint after Xmas.

I would have to just remove myself from this group. It doesn’t sound like you are getting much from it but feeling excluded. Did they know it was a special birthday for you too or is it possible they weren’t aware?

Or you could say to the birthday girl that she's lucky not to have a lockdown big birthday like you did last year, you deserve a do-over!

Do they knew about your birthday in advance?
How do they know about each other’s birthdays?
If they knew and completely ignored it I would “politely” reply “she’s so lucky that her big birthday is this year, I feel like demanding a do-over for having a big birthday during lockdown, everyone forgot!”

I'd say something similar to a pp

'So lovely you are all making a big deal of x big 0 birthday, I was so sad an upset on mine as it got forgotten due to covid. I'd hate for someone else to be put in the same position as me'

Then I'd fuck them all off

Thanks for all the replies. To answer a few posters, several of them knew it was my big birthday. I have pulled back from the group a bit in the last year but I love the hobby we share and I want to carry on so don’t want to just drop it completely. Plus if I haven’t “found my tribe” at my age I’m never going to!

I'd def make a comment and see what they say about "how about a joint birthday thing with me as it was my birthday recently" abd if you want to be more aggressive then could put " I didn't miss the party did I?!"

I’m pretty certain at least a few of them knew it was your big birthday ! I would definitely say something because that is shit, just be prepared to get comments back like “I’m so sorry we forgot”

I’m trying to relate this to my experience in a sports hobby related group of 30+ people. We sometimes celebrate birthdays and there has been a collection for one of them. Are you particularly close to anyone in the group? I expect people usually organise celebrations for those they’re particularly close to unless there is one person nominated to keep track of and organise celebrations for everyone’s birthdays? I would note down and remember the birthdays of 3 people in my group, the others I would contribute to a collection if there was one and maybe attend a party. But if there was someone I rarely spoke to or crossed paths with I wouldn’t make it my job to remember their birthday and celebrate it. Equally I probably wouldn’t bring it up and suggest someone else organised something as I’d be basically volunteering myself for the job and I’ve got enough to do.

Is it because one particular person is the instigator in rallying everyone to celebrate the birthdays and that particular person for whatever reason is not fond of you?

If you want to salvage a friendship with this group I would be diplomatic and constructive, and say something like "I couldn't celebrate my 00 birthday last year because of lockdown so I'm going to celebrate it this year instead, since A's birthday is a couple of days after mine it would be great to double-up on a party/weekend/etc".
But to be honest, you would be better off moving yourself away from them, they are not good friends and clearly don't value you. You can still respect yourself even if they don't.
I understand what you mean about the meh friend, that is me too, never the best friend, but I've come to value the friendships I have regardless of that and still aim for quality over quantity.

You could be direct and say it was my 0 birthday last year and nothing was organised so would anyone like go get together and go for a meal in the next couple of weeks?

If you get a lukewarm response then you have your answer as to whether the group is for you or not.

What are they like with you normally? Do you feel like you're valued and part of the group or are you someone they just have along because you're in the group. If you do feel part of the group apart from this then I would just put it down to being a covid thing and move on and enjoy everyone else's b'days. If you're just 'someone who happens to be in the group' then perhaps consider taking a step back. Is there anyone in particular you've connected with on there that you could just say you feel a bit disappointed that your birthday was in lockdown to - it might help to get it off your chest and get their take on it.

I'm also a meh friend although never heard of it until now 😂. I would actually say sorry I can't attend 0 birthday event as I am also celebrating my birthday that day with friends/family. Hopefully then they penny might drop.

I completely understand your feelings OP. I find friendship groups hard because of things like this.

I personally wouldn't pass any remark or contribute to/attend any birthday stuff but I would involve myself to the extent to which it suited me, in your case that appears to be the hobby related aspect.

Can I be a bit brutal? I think your willingness to suck it up might be the reason you could be the meh friend - you don't stand up for yourself or suit yourself and people might not know you that well as a result (because you come across as lovely here, I don't see why there would be an issue expect for a tendency to be self effacing and withdrawn). So just do what suits you now and leave the rest of it.

They're friends, they're not your best friends and you can use this situation as an opportunity to get what you want out of a situation and see if that ends up helping you to assert yourself more in the next group situation and possibly form deeper friendships - if that's what you want.

Sorry to hear that OP, don’t blame you feeling sad and put out! Don’t have any particular advice but just want to give you a virtual hug and a belated Happy Birthday!

Could it be the timing had something to do with it? Jan last year was a really tough time for a lot of people, facing another 4 or 6 months or whatever of lockdown I just switched off and went into hibernation mode socially. Towards May we were feeling a bit brighter and tentatively optimistic about returning to outside activities.

Have any of those other people mentioned their birthdays or do they have close friends in the group who do the organising for them? Ie could it be explained how @Bytheseaseasea mentions in her post, a bit of an organisational oversight rather than actively not caring or excluding someone? Still totally fair enough to feel a bit sad about it but maybe not quite as personal as it feels?

Or do you feel like you’re not valued by these people?

Ooh. I would be totally direct actually and say, "Just asking- how do you choose whose birthdays get celebrated? Like, who organises the collection and the meal etc?"

Someone will answer.

Then I would ask, "is there a special reason then why mine has been ignored for the last two years? It was my 0th last year and I contributed to collections and attended meals for others but nobody bothered with me. It was hurtful. And this year, not so much as a mention again. So what's the reason."