Petty first world problem, being the meh friend strikes again.

[Peripherique]

Talk me down as I am itching to write a very passive aggressive reply on a group chat but I know it’s a bad idea.

For context, I’ve always struggled with friendships, I’m what has been described on here as the ‘meh’ friend, sometimes invited and included but always on the edge of the group, never anyone’s best friend. It’s been the same my whole life and across every social group (school, work, hobbies, evening classes etc..). I’ve sort of accepted it as my lot in life to be honest and try not to get upset when I’m left out but I’m finding this one tough. I did post about this under another name last year but it’s recently come up again.

There’s a large-ish group of women on the group chat, we all have a hobby in common and the group chat is a way of organising stuff to do with that. There are also smaller cliques as some live closer to others, have similar timetables etc, that’s pretty normal. There’s been several collections in the last few years for ‘0’ birthdays, a couple of baby showers and an engagement. So far so normal but when it was my big ‘0’ birthday last January - right in the height of lockdown - no collection was done for me. Another member of the group had the same 0 birthday in May, we were just coming out of lockdown but there was a big collection, a lunch (outside) arranged for her, a massive fuss was made for her. I wasn’t too happy seeing as mine was totally ignored but didn’t say anything to anyone as it’s childish and petty I know. But now it’s all happening again, another woman on the group has a 0 birthday in a couple of weeks (two days after my birthday) and lo and behold there’s a collection, and a lunch and even a weekend away being discussed. I haven’t responded to any of it yet as I just want to tell them all to Fuck off!! or post a comment like… “it’s so nice to do a collection for X, she will feel so happy that her friends make a fuss of her on her special birthday”. To be honest they’ve probably totally forgotten about mine last year (it was totally shit) so the comment wouldn’t make any difference.

I know full well there’s nothing I can do, I know I’m not important enough to anyone to make a fuss of me. I’m just metaphorically stamping my feet like a brat and wailing it’s not fair!! I just feel taken advantage of, I'm good enough to contribute to the collections but not good enough to be the recipient. I am debating just ignoring and not taking part at all but then I do really like this woman and if I don't take part I'm going to miss out on the get together.

I'd say I can't make it as I have plans for my birthday and let the cogs turn in their brains.

I’m in two minds. You could do as pps have said and ask to be included and do a joint celebration because you missed our last year. If you want to persist with this group, do that.

But I wonder whether you need to find a new tribe - is there an alternative hobby group you could join? Or a new (smaller) group within this one you could socialise with?

I have had a similar experience to you. In the height of lockdown, one group I thought I was close to (been friends over 15 years) completely ignored my 0 birthday, even though we had all been celebrating them in turn. I didn’t even get any messages. Whereas another group organised a delivery of afternoon tea and a virtual get together. Guess which group is muted on what’s app and which group I’m super close to now? I am so much happier now with a smaller group of friends rather than clinging on to the edges of a a large group of acquaintances.

Sometimes we just have to cut our losses and move on, they’re not bad people, they’re just not your people.

This is what I would pop on the chat group:
"So lovely you are all making a big deal of X big 0 birthday. It was so saddening and upsetting that mine was forgotten last January, probably due to Covid. I'd hate for someone else to be put in the same position as me. Hey X, want to do a joint celebration this year?"

See what happens.

OP how often do you organise the birthday celebrations, whip round etc for others in the group? To an extent there is a bit of reciprocity in these things so if you are never organising it for anyone in the group you can't really expect any of then to be doing so for you (and here I am not talking about throwing money in/attending I am talking about spending a bit of time booking somewhere/collecting money etc)?

Argghhh just typed a long reply and my laptop crashed!

I knew the lovely posters of MN would make me feel better! Thanks for all the comments and suggestions. I was fully expecting to be told I was being unreasonable and childish (but wasn't brave enough for AIBU).

I like some of the suggestions about mentioning a joint celebration but I don't think I could do it. I'd feel like I was hijacking someone else's birthday when the moment has passed for mine, and she is lovely so wouldn't want to spoil her birthday (there are some other's in the group I wouldn't be so worried about upsetting though!).

I have already backed off from the group in the last year or two. I had thought I was quite close to a few of them but a couple of things happened in 2019 and then in the first lockdown really showed I wasn't important to them. I've not been in a good place mentally (and I know the last few years have affected a lot of people's mental health) so backed off for my own protection. To be honest I don't think they noticed!

I haven't organised anyone else's birthday's etc but in my defence I do organise a lot of the activities for our hobby and help in the general running of things. I certainly put effort into the group but in more practical ways.

OP if I was brave enough, I'd totally put @AnnaBolinas reply 😈

I have tried many, many different groups over the years and tried being more "demanding", tried being the organiser, tried going with the flow, tried being all sorts and it's never worked. This group is the closest I've ever found to my tribe and to be honest I cannot be arsed with finding yet another one. It'll probably be exactly the same and so I do have to accept that it's just the way things are for me.

I don't think being left out is anything malicious on anyone's part, it's not done deliberately, it's just that I'm not that important to them.

I am also def a meh friend, my mum died in the first lockdown and it really showed me who cared about me (which outside my DH was no-one)

And I was 40 this year; again not a word from my friends bar the usual FB message

Feck'em

I would probably stick with the hobby stuff and pull back from the socialising. If asked, I would say very honestly, I am not contributing to birthday collections any more as my last two birthdays have been ignored but I look forward to seeing you for 'knitting' or whatever the hobby is. I wouldn't go out of my way to provoke. But I would tell it straight if asked to contribute

I would absolutely call them out on it and say that you can't stomach contributing anymore as your birthday is always overlooked.

I do feel for you. You sound lovely and it's their loss frankly rather than yours.

@Peripherique

Thanks for all the replies. To answer a few posters, several of them knew it was my big birthday. I have pulled back from the group a bit in the last year but I love the hobby we share and I want to carry on so don’t want to just drop it completely. Plus if I haven’t “found my tribe” at my age I’m never going to!

This - if you love the hobby, treat the what's app group as a way of doing your hobby

Also in your original post - you say
"I am debating just ignoring and not taking part at all but then I do really like this woman and if I don't take part I'm going to miss out on the get together".
I would contribute and attend the birthdays of the people in the group you like. You may be able to build stronger relationships with some of the people.

Don't worry if you haven't "found your tribe". I think alot of people haven't. Tribes are hard. Just keep finding, maintaining or building on individual friendships.

for your loss seven7sisters.

I am considering just not replying to the request to contribute or the lunch invite. Then if asked directly I will be honest about why.

Such a shame though as generally the get togethers are good fun and if I don’t go out with this group I won’t have any social life. Sad as that is.

Keep missing replies!

Deep down I have given up on ever finding close friends and I have been trying to only put into these relationships what I’m happy to give up as it were. I get to do my hobby and if I want to do the social side I do. It worked pretty well for a while but the birthday thing just triggered me for some reason.

Id respond using the excellent wording of some posters on here, it's difficult when you're torn with the hobby. Could you find a new hobby and new people?
Same happened to me in a previous job. Thought we were all really close colleagues, one of them had her 40th much fanfare, cakes, balloons, etc etc. I went in on mine expecting similar, not a sniff.

I wasn't as mature/nice as you, when asked casually what I was doing for the weekend I stated I was celebrating my 40th with close friends, but the actual birthday was today! The awkwardness was palpable. Served them right.

make a joke of it... 'you're all older than me, I am still X9 as lockdown birthdays don't count''

May jog a memory without being too full on

There is no way that I would be permitting this in any group of friends that I was in. I would say that they have just missed the fact that it was your birthday. Why not go on the chat and say “Okay ladies, missed my birthday last year, how are we going to celebrate it this year then?”
I bet they respond.

This wouldn't bother me at all, but then,I don't like being in groupie things, especially women's groups. Also I don't ever think of any birthday's and things, as being a big thing, whatever your age.

I’m a meh friend too - I’ll do until someone better comes along and I’m not in the inner sanctum. But then, I also decline invites more than most because I’m pretty introverted and prefer to spend my energy on people who I have a meaningful relationship with rather than superficial “fun times”. Eg I can’t meet at the pub every Friday for a drink and a laugh, it just wears me out. I also don’t have a BIG personality, I’m not hilarious, life and soul of the party or loud. I’m a very loyal friend and have lots of interests but I’m definitely more passive and appreciate having a rich inner life more than a raucous social life but those kind of people always have lots of friends.

It hurts sometimes to feel I’m on the edge but I also know it’s because my current circle of friends/school mums aren’t my soulmates, if that doesn’t sound too woo!

I meant to say - my ‘0’ birthday dropped off the radar last year too. Even my sister forgot! Luckily my H organised something lovely for me.

I’m a meh friend I think as well and it’s quite crushing and hurtful. I would take what you can from the friendship and pull the emotional drawbridge up. My DH has a friend who isn’t brilliant and I think he’s a bit of a user but my DH enjoys his company and he’s happy to accept his company and not get hurt by it.

I'm the meh friend in my group too, most of the time I'm just grateful to have a group , even if I don't feel particularly close to anyone in it. Which is tragic I know.

So no better advice than what's already been posted, just wanted to say don't downplay your feelings or your worth, this is not a "petty third world problem" but a real one, millions of people have this problem too. Perhaps your friends disregard you because you downplay yourself? Too nice, too kind, too helpful, perhaps? I'm only saying this because I relate. Good luck x

@Mybalconyiscracking

There is no way that I would be permitting this in any group of friends that I was in. I would say that they have just missed the fact that it was your birthday. Why not go on the chat and say “Okay ladies, missed my birthday last year, how are we going to celebrate it this year then?” I bet they respond.

Do this. Leave out the stuff about being hurt - even though it's perfectly reasonable to be - and send this as just a 'when shall we do mine?' If they don't respond then you can try another approach. But raise it as an innocent omission and see what happens.

I would be one to say I have X plans for my birthday. I don’t think I could have heart go away for weekend and watch them all make fuss my pours would be oozing resentment. Start making plans for your next 5th or 0 birthday and plaster all over SM!

I would say we've got plans because it's obviously my birthday 2 days before or whatever date.