Comments at work from colleague re English people

[JFLEA]

Name changed due to very personal information under my own username and I’ve spoken to a few real life friends about this (have been around since 2007 (icod/Littlelapin etc etc)

I work in a very multicultural environment and usually everyone runs along very well. There is one man who is bothering me quite a bit and I can’t put my finger on why.

I am a single mother (divorced). I also have another child from outside that marriage. He makes comments, which aren’t said in a nasty way but which are bothering me.

His comments are about my culture (white British), we don’t take marriage or family serious enough.
We give up too soon. In his culture marriage is for life and his children are raised the same way. We don’t look after our old people like they do, we don’t take family or respect for older people seriously. None of this is said in a nasty way; you can tell he genuinely believes this to be true.

My DD has a part time job whilst she is doing her A levels. This is something he commented on that in his culture this wouldn’t happen as children are supported so they can take their education seriously. I argued back with this and said well she’s learning responsibility and independence. This circled back to the “family supporting each other” argument.

I was having a discussion with my daughter on the phone about her tidying the house whilst I was at work. She didn’t want to do it as she had plans with her friends. Again he commented when I got off the phone that his kids and kids of his culture wouldn’t be so disrespectful to their parents.

I would like to tackle this as it’s bothering me but I don’t know the best way to go about it without basically saying well you’ve got your culture and we have ours (which has been my tactic for the last few months)

I’d forgotten the main issue which is around me being a single parent. He goes on about it all the time. Women in his culture don’t raise children on their own as marriage is for life/they don’t have kids outside of marriage.

I want to say well I bet there’s a whole load of bloody miserable women in your culture but I can’t!

Go in and say you’ve got tired of the cultural discussions, so for 2022 you’d like him to cease commenting on your personal life or culture.

If it carries on then you have to speak to HR or ask to be moved.

Not sure how you would want to tackle it but I spent some time living abroad (v v different culture) and there British men were sought after husbands as they had a reputation for not cheating on or beating their wives

Who the hell does he think he is, that he can make such personal remarks to you? In this culture, it seems misogyny rules.

I would avoid awkward personal calls like that in front of him as I couldn't stand to hear him criticising my children.

Does he make these comments to other people? What would he say to men who'd left their partners or men who weren't married to the mothers of their children? Is he solely targeting you?

Honestly, I’d tell him not to speak to you unless it’s about work.

Tell him that his constant digs about your culture are tiresome and draining.

Email it and send a copy to your boss.

He's making an awful lot of judgmental personal comments about you and your life OP. Have you got an HR dept?

I had this years ago with someone I worked with constantly slagging off English people. The company was owned by people of her nationality. I ended up complaining about it and it was dealt with, so things improved.

@JFLEA

I’d forgotten the main issue which is around me being a single parent. He goes on about it all the time. Women in his culture don’t raise children on their own as marriage is for life/they don’t have kids outside of marriage.

I want to say well I bet there’s a whole load of bloody miserable women in your culture but I can’t!

I would speak to HR about this. It's appalling that he feels free to talk to you like that.

Just out of interest, which nationality is he?

Yes we have a HR dept. He says it in such a kindly way I didn’t pick up on it at first, it felt like an interesting discussion on differences between cultures.

Now it’s bloody annoying and bordering on rude

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon

Honestly, I’d tell him not to speak to you unless it’s about work.

Tell him that his constant digs about your culture are tiresome and draining.

Email it and send a copy to your boss.

This ^^ definitely.

I'd be tempted to roll my eyes at him and call him a judgemental, misogynist old fart.
However I live abroad and have had 20 years of comments about the English being pissheads who dress like sluts and sleep around so I really have no tolerance anymore.

I don’t want to start a pile on about his culture which is why I didn’t include it in my OP. He’s Pakistani but I work with a number of Pakistani men who haven’t and don’t comment on culture so it didn’t seem relevant.

My daughter had a Turkish boyfriend - he was at a language school here and she was dating him. He seemed nice enough but then he started making comments like this - always said it in a gentle way, as though he was worried about her.

She and I were listening to the radio one day (think it was Woman's Hour) and a reporter said there is domestic violence in over 40% of households in Istanbul (where he was from.) She dumped him immediately.

I think you need to put your foot down with him OP! Tell him he's made his opinions quite clear to you and you do NOT want to hear another word on the matter! Tell him if he doesn't stop lecturing you (and, I suspect, "negging" you) because that's what he's doing, CFer!- you will take it that he is deliberately trying to offend and insult you and that you will report him for harrassment, because his going on and on about it IS harrassment!
What he's doing is very arrogant and unpleasant- if it were a friend or family member doing this to you it could be considered abuse and would you put up with it? I'd say you wouldn't?. You can't go NC with him as he's a colleague but you can shut him down if you're firm enough and warn him that you will report him! Show your teeth OP!

Yes they do! It's quite common for Muslim men to "marry" more than one woman in an Islamic ritual, as they're allowed up to 4. In the West, some of them marry more than one woman according to Islam but do not Register the marriage with the State, and then they send the "wives" to live as single mothers and claim State benefits. I had a neighbour whom this had been done to. This man is being disingenuous!

I would be tempted to say "you've made it quite clear that you disapprove of me and my life so you don't need to keep telling me"

This is harassment. He’s making unwanted and derogatory comments to you about your family and personal life, and it’s upsetting you. It doesn’t matter how “kindly” he says it, this isn’t kind and it’s not OK to do this in the workplace. He needs to know this. If you don’t want to report him, you could try telling him that he needs to stop saying these things and warn him that what he’s doing is workplace harassment.

I’ve been in a similar workplace situation OP. New year, new start and all that. Definitely tell him you are only happy to discuss work related issues with him.

I would also email HR so it’s on record.

I used to work in HR and had to speak to several men about how they spoke to people and to keep their opinions to themselves as someone being a single parent has fuck all to do with work.

Tell him to stop making comments about your personal life. He is disguising his judgement as "cultural discussion". Take that away, and imagine if a white British person was saying this to you - it would be utterly inappropriate for the workplace.

I would definitely set boundaries with this colleague and explain that everyone's culture should be respected and that generalisations shouldn't be made about different cultures. If he continues, I would make a complaint to your HR department.

@JFLEA

I’d forgotten the main issue which is around me being a single parent. He goes on about it all the time. Women in his culture don’t raise children on their own as marriage is for life/they don’t have kids outside of marriage.

I want to say well I bet there’s a whole load of bloody miserable women in your culture but I can’t!

So women in his culture never become widowed then..

These sorts of bigoted comments about single mothers enrage me. My Exh's sister was widowed at a young age and brought up three children on her own. She had to deal with loads of snide remarks about single mothers and it really used to upset her. My own father died when I was a teenager and it was just me and my DM. She got it in the neck too.

I think some men simply don't appreciate how much work and sacrifice women put in to make these cultural norms work. They must think it seems easy and don't understand why everyone can't live like that

I want to say well I bet there’s a whole load of bloody miserable women in your culture but I can’t!

Of course you can! He has no problem with being extremely judgmental and rude towards you so you should say exactly how you feel to him? Why are you being so passive towards him?

I would say something like "well if you dislike white British culture so much why do you live in a predominantly white British country? I'm genuinely interested to know..."
Just shut him down. Or if you really don't want to get into a debate with him just get up and walk away every single time he starts bringing this rubbish up. Or tell him clearly "I don't want to talk about this subject any more, I find it very offensive".

If you feel you can't handle it yourself then go to HR.

I agree with telling him that comments and discussions about your different cultures are not on. If he persists complain to your manager.

I agree with other posters - I think you need to be a bit firmer with him OP. You're not going to change his mind so there's no point arguing with him (eg explaining your DD will gain independence etc from her job). instead you need to make it clear that you are finding his comments annoying and insulting and he needs to stop making them.