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Original poster

Can a five-year-old know if they're gay?

56 replies

DorothyLNaySayers · 03/01/2022 13:12

Yesterday my five-year-old asked me "Can girls like girls?" which I thought was a bit odd since she's already "best friends" with two girls. Obviously, I assured her they can, and girls can like boys and boys can like boys etc. But I couldn't get her to explain why she asked the question.

Might she be questioning if she's gay, or is this just a typical off-the-wall five-year-old question? I'm not at all bothered either way, just really curious.

I don't think we've ever really talked to her about romantic relationships or marriage etc, but I have described her Dad/my DP as my "best friend".

OP posts:
dreamygirl25 · 03/01/2022 13:13

I think that's a normal question for a fiver year old to ask. She may have friends in school who have two mummy's.

Original poster
DorothyLNaySayers · 03/01/2022 13:18

@dreamygirl25

I think that's a normal question for a fiver year old to ask. She may have friends in school who have two mummy's.
Possibly. I don't think so though. She goes to a tiny rural school and we know all the other parents in her year. Maybe some of the older kids do though. Or maybe she's seen it on some of her earnestly worthy cartoons on YouTube.
OP posts:
daisychainsandrainbows · 03/01/2022 13:30

I've worked with early years children my whole career. IMO 5 year olds don't have the understanding of relationships or attraction to others to even begin to see themselves as being gay or straight, although they will of course mimic relationships they see around them and play out the ideas of coupling and families. Many books and tv programmes feature same sex couples so it's likely she's just been introduced to that idea and is curious. It's no big deal, allow this to be an opportunity to talk about families looking different, especially if she has little exposure to this in real life.

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Behaviour & development
TheCreamCaker · 03/01/2022 13:34

Of course a 5-year-old can't "know that they're gay". At 5, they're playing with Lego and dolls, etc. They don't know about sexual attraction or adult relationships. My 10-year-old GD is only just being taught at school about such things

psydrive · 03/01/2022 13:35

Sounds like a normal five year old question to me.

00100001 · 03/01/2022 13:36

No

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 03/01/2022 13:38

Or maybe she's seen it on some of her earnestly worthy cartoons on YouTube.

I wouldn't describe it as 'earnestly worthy' tbh.

MojoJojo71 · 03/01/2022 13:42

I’m not sure. When I was 5 I don’t think I knew I was straight (still not 100% sure if I’m honest) but it was assumed and I was surrounded by heterosexual norms. I think it’s important that kids know from an early age that homosexuality/bisexuality is normal. When I talk to my DD about when she’s older for example I’ll say things like ‘when you have a boyfriend or girlfriend’ rather than make assumptions.

ldontWanna · 03/01/2022 13:46

Kids at that age have no sense of attraction or sexual orientation. However they hear things, they watch things, they learn about different families at school. DD around that age decided she was going to marry one of her female friends. The year before that it was daddy. The year before that it was the cat.

She's 10 now and no interest in anyone yet.

astoundedgoat · 03/01/2022 13:48

Normal question for a young child. At that age, both of my girls wanted to marry me when they grew up, but they've gone off the idea now, alas. Grin

They honestly don't know what pairings are realistic at that age. "Can I marry a boy/girl/my bunny/you/Daddy/our hamster?" etc.

There are same sex relationships in some cartoons on Netflix, such as She-Ra. I wouldn't have described Netflix as "earnestly worthy" OP!

DropYourSword · 03/01/2022 13:50

There are 5 year old girls who want to marry their dads - it doesn’t mean they are incestuous.
Similarly asking this question doesn’t mean they are gay.
It’s a 5 year old trying to understand and make sense of the world. Nothing more.

MargaretThursday · 03/01/2022 13:51

When ds was 5yo he would have identified with being a dog. His head told me that the first conversation she had with him was entirely in barks. Grin

When dd1 was 5yo we agreed to shelve the question of whether she would be able to marry daddy until she was 16yo because she got so upset at the idea that she couldn't. At 16yo she didn't feel there was any need to discuss it Grin

Bluebluemoon · 03/01/2022 13:52

Don't put too much thought into it. When my ds was about 5 he asked me if he could marry his sister!

PieMistee · 03/01/2022 13:55

I'm 47 and 100% sure I'm straight so not convinced a 5 year old would know if they were gay 😂

eagerlywaitingfor · 03/01/2022 13:57

Of course they can ask questions like that, but they don't have a clue what it means yet.

FunnysInLaJardin · 03/01/2022 14:02

When DS2 was 5 he was going to get married to his male BF and had planned the whole wedding, outfits and all.

He is now 12 and tells me he is straight, despite being gay in year 6!

Its a moveable feast, however what your daughter is saying doesn't indicate she will be gay as an adult IMO

titchy · 03/01/2022 14:02

Bloody hell of course it's a normal five year old question?! Do you really think she's questioning her sexuality? FFS.

Clue - when little kids say 'I love you mummy I want to marry you' they're not exploring their Oedipal side....

Pegasussnail · 03/01/2022 14:03

Normal question-mine ask these questions all the time

Kezzie200 · 03/01/2022 14:11

Until sexual attraction comes into the mix, then their sexual orientation isn't the underlying reason for anything they say.

Original poster
DorothyLNaySayers · 03/01/2022 14:13

@JesusInTheCabbageVan

Or maybe she's seen it on some of her earnestly worthy cartoons on YouTube.

I wouldn't describe it as 'earnestly worthy' tbh.

Sorry, I phrased that badly. She does watch some cartoons that are very "worthy" that seem (to me) to rather labour the point re things like recycling and being kind etc (yesterday she watched some crap that contained the line "if you're nice and kind, everyone will want to be your friend!!!!") and I wondered if she saw the "two mummys" thing on one of those type of cartoons, rather than say, Paw Patrol or PJ Masks.
OP posts:
JassyRadlett · 03/01/2022 14:15

Even in the unreconstructed early 80s when I was small, kids would ask if boys could marry boys/girls could marry girls. It’s a really normal thing for kids to ask as they navigate the ‘rules’ of their world. I can’t express my joy that I was able to answer ‘yes’ when both my kids asked this around age 4.

I think 5 is too young to have much if any idea of romantic attraction. It’s just a question about how the world works.

waterlego · 03/01/2022 14:17

It’s a normal question for a young child to ask, and not necessarily prompted by being exposed to the idea of gay relationships. Both of my DC asked this question when they were little. DS also went through a phase of telling people that he was going to marry me (his mum).

Maskedsingerispants · 03/01/2022 14:18

I remember being around 5 and a boy from
school (still friends with him to this day) gave me a silver robot rubber and I definitely had a crush on him perhaps? From around 8 I was definitely in love with Morten harket, never a sexual thing, more romantic

Lacedwithgrace · 03/01/2022 14:18

She probably won't know for sure but there's no way of telling at 5 years old. It's just a normal question, she'll find out for sure in the next 5-10 years maybe

stingofthebutterfly · 03/01/2022 14:20

She'll have seen or heard something, somewhere. Not a chance in hell that she's questioning her sexuality.