Aibu to be concerned about our age

[Sunindecember]

Partner wants us to have a child together which is great however I'm 37 and he is 48. I never envisioned having children this late in life. My concerns are our age when child is older, our energy levels when child is growing up and any complications due to our age.

He is keen for us to have a child together but it is not a ultimatum. We both have a child each from previous.

I was 5 years older than you when I had my first (and only) child. My husband was younger though. There is indeed evidence that children of older men are more likely to be in the autistic spectrum but research that carefully- I have a feeling that 48 is not massively older in that respect and you need to understand the exact parameters and findings of the studies rather than be swayed by a very general statement by a layperson on an online forum.

Putting to one side the health risk to the baby, which may be a red herring, my main concern would be the child losing its father while still in his or her teens. My Dad was not an old father but died young. For my brother and me losing our Dad at 19 and 24 has been hard to deal with as we feel robbed of a big chunk of our life with him when we could relate as adults and parents ourselves. But that’s a risk that anyone runs, at any age.

I feel that having a child together has enhanced my husband’s and my relationship beyond measure. But neither of us already had children so it was not the same decision that you are making.

How much of his existing child’s life did your DH have as non-resident parent? Is it possible he wants to make up for this with a new baby by doing it “properly” this time round? For you, you have already got this. (I am assuming most common setup where your children have stayed living with their mothers).

It sounds like he is the one that wants another baby, and you are OK to go along with it. Which isn't the same as your wanting it. Doesn't seem a strong enough reason to have a child.

DH was 47 when we had DS. Right now all DS's dads are breaking their neck at work whilst DH is winding down and able to spend more and more time with DS.

The myth about them being too old to play football is also nonsense.

There are many benefits to being an older dad.

Well you need to get on an do it but I had my first at 34 and my second at 36. I had been with my partner for a long time so it was a conscious decision to wait in part because of my career.

The oldest mums I know are the ones who have adopted after discovering infertility later in life, they have found it hard but all have coped.

Don’t have a child you don’t want to have full stop.

I presume that you are referring to your partner’s age mainly - it’s late yes, not impossible, but does he really want an 11 year old when he’s 60.

That should say DS's friends dads! DS does not have multiple dads!

Also a man can bail out of a family at anytime, it's silly to think they're more likely if they're a bit older. If anything for us it's the opposite. DHs retirement plans firmly hold DS in the middle of them. Essentially he'll be a SAHD, except he's already made all the money we'll need and the staying at home will actually be going off on adventures together in the school holidays.

I just need to win the lottery so I can stop working and go with them

And having an 11 year old at 60 means an in-house fellow football fan.

Some of these comments make me

You're not that old for another child, but could you end up a single parent to two children if he decides he's too old for the hard work of parenting? Do you want another 22 (approx) years of this man in your life?
How long have you been together?

Would you get married to him? Has he asked you or is he in the ''bit of paper'' brigade.
I wouldn't have a child with him if you have any fear that he could just bail and leave you a single parent to two.

Not that being a single parent is always hell, I'm a single parent and there are some advantages to it. BUT, 100% of the responsibilty.

I'm 51 with two teenagers 15 and 18 and tbh I would prefer that my youngest was a little older. I feel ready for adult children at this point in my life.

Wouldn’t be a choice for me if I already have kids- having a preschooler in my 40s and in your partners 50s sounds hellish. Also if you only have one, if the age gap with your other children is large, that’s a lot of effort to have them mix and play with other children.

A lot of women I know had babies at 37 and older and most are fine. One had 3 DC with another man who was in his mid forties.

I’ve also known another woman get pregnant in her 40s with a man a similar age who didn’t want kids (she already had an adult son) and she had a miscarriage. And I know another friend who had a miscarriage at 40 before having a successful pregnancy a few years later.

My DB became a first time dad 3.5 years ago at 45 but he’s very young at heart, involved with his child and his wife is 9 years younger. At 48 they’re planning a sibling for this child but again he’s more than able to cope. The only slight issue is a hip and back issue but they’re easily treatable.

It’s entirely up to you really. Is it your first time being a mum?

You might well be coping fine but I am sure he will find it much harder being 48yo.

Unless his organisation is you taking on 95% of the work and he does the nice easy bits of parenting.

YADNBU

My parents had kids late in life. When we were in our late teens both parents struggled with health problem and it seriously impacted our academic performances. I am understating how bad it was, because getting too specific would be outing.

Now, it's true there is always a risk when you have children. Even younger parents can have health problems or die and leave their children without parents. The risks are just greater when you are older. Furthermore, your partner is 48 and the older the men the lower the quality of his DNA. There would be in increased risk of complications and birth-defects.

Anyways, like I said, there are always risks, but it is good to be aware of them before you make a decision. You already have two children between you, how well would you be able to cope if something went wrong now or 10 or so years down the line?

My DB became a first time dad 3.5 years ago at 45 but he’s very young at heart, involved with his child and his wife is 9 years younger. At 48 they’re planning a sibling for this child but again he’s more than able to cope. The only slight issue is a hip and back issue but they’re easily treatable.

You see I’d be much more careful if he has already some health issues. I know too many people who are ‘young at heart’, only had a few niggles with hips at 48yo and then we’re told they need both hips replaced at 53yo. And yes mobility has been highly impacted bla bla bla. Might get better with surgery. If and when it will be possible to get it…..

I don't think your age is an issue but if you have raised a child, do you want to do so again?

Your age is fine. His… I wouldn’t go there. Pure anecdote but the two families I know with this kind of setup both have kids on the spectrum and DHs who are slowing down massively at a time when the opposite is needed.

I had twins at 37 so I'm biased 😂 (and would like one more by age 40 if I can)

My personal cut off is 40 - maybe just to coincide retirement with then youngest child becoming an adult and (hopefully) ready to make own way in world

Your partner being 48 though.....I personally wouldn't have a child with someone that age. My DH father is 40 and it's sad how big the generational gap already is - a marked difference between DH and my parents who are 15 years younger

Also I believe there is a correlation between paternal age and autism?

At 37 you are not too old ,however you are the one who has to carry /give birth and if you dont feel you want to do it thats fine . Dont feel pressured .

Your age isn't especially important but what about the impact on your existing kids? Is he keen for another child to cement the relationship and ensure you parent his DC? What sort of father is he to current DC?

Having another child will massively complicate your already complex lives

If it was your first child I'd say go for it! Or you'd always regret it, not too old. But as you have other kids... why?

Not a chance would I have a baby with a 48 year old man, especially if we both already had children. 37 isn't too old but 48 is in my opinion.

What’s your financial position?

What sort of effect do you think it will have on the children you have now?

Was it entirely his idea? is it appealing to you because it seems to seal the deal? I think it is a very easy thing for men to say and appear so amazing saying it. Look at me I love you so much I want to impregnate you. Their bodies go through sweet FA and ultimately they are the ones who can walk away easily. I have a very successful marriage but I have seen too many of my friends rush in to having kids and failed relationships so remain a cynic.

If you had never had children and wanted them then I could understand, I do think 48 is too old.

Sigh. Always, always these threads are full of people roaring about why people over 35 should not have children because they are so OLD and will be DEAD soon.

Average life expectancy in this country is over 80, so you're both unlikely to die before your children are adults. Rates of autism are marginally higher in children with older fathers, but still very very low.

For some people (who are very invested in other people's life choices) you will never be the 'right' parent - you're too old, young, poor, unhealthy, unmarried etc etc. No one would ever have children if we listened to those people.

You have a child if you want one. And ignore the people who did everything at exactly the right time and in exactly the right circumstances. Good for them, but life isn't always so cosy for everyone is it?

@bumpyknuckles

Sigh. Always, always these threads are full of people roaring about why people over 35 should not have children because they are so OLD and will be DEAD soon.

Average life expectancy in this country is over 80, so you're both unlikely to die before your children are adults. Rates of autism are marginally higher in children with older fathers, but still very very low.

For some people (who are very invested in other people's life choices) you will never be the 'right' parent - you're too old, young, poor, unhealthy, unmarried etc etc. No one would ever have children if we listened to those people.

You have a child if you want one. And ignore the people who did everything at exactly the right time and in exactly the right circumstances. Good for them, but life isn't always so cosy for everyone is it?

OP can do what she wants. People are just giving their personal opinions, and mine is that 48 is too old. I was 22 when I had my baby, many people would say that's too young. That's how they feel, and that's fine to feel that way.

DH and I are TTC atm, he is 56 so I think 48 is fine he has three adult kids already, our fertility consultant said the increased risk of autism depends on lifestyle and general health, whether you have smoked as that causes DNA damage. In our case he said he found it unlikely to be higher than any other couple.

@bumpyknuckles

Sigh. Always, always these threads are full of people roaring about why people over 35 should not have children because they are so OLD and will be DEAD soon.

Average life expectancy in this country is over 80, so you're both unlikely to die before your children are adults. Rates of autism are marginally higher in children with older fathers, but still very very low.

For some people (who are very invested in other people's life choices) you will never be the 'right' parent - you're too old, young, poor, unhealthy, unmarried etc etc. No one would ever have children if we listened to those people.

You have a child if you want one. And ignore the people who did everything at exactly the right time and in exactly the right circumstances. Good for them, but life isn't always so cosy for everyone is it?

Untwist your knickers.

The OP is asking for opinions. She’ll get a range