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Original poster

Do I attend a funeral?

40 replies

Tobleroney · 01/01/2022 12:44

I have been getting worked up about this all over Xmas. My aunt died and her funeral is next week. I haven't seen her for maybe 8 years, but she was definitely around and played a role in my childhood and I have some happy memories. On the other hand, I have never been to a funeral, despite being in my 30s, as I hate them, feel very blue and down with all the infectious emotions around death, have cried about imagining it several times mainly from seeing my parents and other, closer people's reactions to the funeral and the grief. Also can't understand why I would want to eat food afterwards at the wake and also a bit nervous about meeting other relatives I haven't seen for the same length of time and the awkwardness of it all, while realising this is also one of my only chances to actually meet them as we are not a close extended family. So, I am very naive about funerals and the mechanics of what the actual crem will be & anxious about bring disproportionately upset on behalf of other people, but so I go and suck it up for my own parents' sake and a chance to see the family, or do I shield behind work and not being able to go as an excuse? I do definitely care about the loss of my aunt, but my sadness is for my childhood self loss rather than any involvement in her recent life... This is a bit of a ramble. I just don't want to make a fool of myself by going and being too upset, but I want to support my parents, but I am not now close to my aunt but will be in bits anyway because the whole atmosphere and dread of going to any funeral in the first place....

OP posts:

HoldingTheDoor · 01/01/2022 12:47

Go and support your parents.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/01/2022 12:47

I think it's time you learn how to deal with something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Go to the funeral, you'll be fine, and you are definitely making this into much bigger of a deal than it actually is.

Ilikewinter · 01/01/2022 12:49

If you dont want to go then dont go. If you want to remember/celebrate your aunts life you can do that in other ways.

HoldingTheDoor · 01/01/2022 12:50

This says it perfectly.

bananaboats · 01/01/2022 12:52

I think you have built up this up to a much bigger deal that it really is. There's nothing wrong with being upset but most funerals I've been to have been much more celebration of life and it actually can be a nice opportunity to catch up with family and friends you don't see regularly and share memories of the person that has passed away.

Original poster

Tobleroney · 01/01/2022 12:53

I should also add that it is in quite traumatic circumstances (suicide) & some family members did not want there to be a funeral in the first place due to the difficulty of it

OP posts:

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 01/01/2022 12:54

You've never been to one. It sounds as if you've worked it up into something massive in your head. You are going to have to go to one at some point, unfortunately, so why not start with this one? Your parents will appreciate your support. Your wider family will be pleased to have a good turn out to show the love and affection for your aunt. You get a chance to catch up with people you haven't seen for a while.

It doesn't matter about getting upset. This is normal and to be expected. I got very upset at my aunt's funeral and my cousins, her sons, didn't. Nobody thought anything of it. Grief and loss takes people in different ways.

As for the mechanics of the crem, you don't see flames, if that's what you're concerned about.

Workyticket · 01/01/2022 12:55

I can give you a run through of what will happen at the crem from my limited experience if that would help?

Honestly though - at some point in your life you will be faced with the funerals of people who are close to you - ones that you will absolutely want to go to

Do you really want the first funeral you go to to be that of someone very close? Experiencing funerals of distant people will help you to deal with closer ones when the time comes.

HoldingTheDoor · 01/01/2022 12:55

I should also add that it is in quite traumatic circumstances (suicide) & some family members did not want there to be a funeral in the first place due to the difficulty of it

That doesn't change it for me.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/01/2022 12:56

@Tobleroney

I should also add that it is in quite traumatic circumstances (suicide) & some family members did not want there to be a funeral in the first place due to the difficulty of it

Yes, it's difficult. Life and death are, especially suicide. It's very sad, but that doesn't mean Thier death should be ignored as though it didn't happen. Funerals aren't just for the dead, they are for the living and we go to support those who need it most. Your parents will need your support.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 01/01/2022 12:57

Forgot to say that I am very sorry for your loss. I see now the circumstances are particularly difficult. That's very hard for you all.

Obviously we're not party to the whole thing, but I don't think it's a good idea not to have a funeral, or some sort of service/gathering as a way of marking a person's passing. It can be very helpful as a step along the long road of processing what's happened and coming to terms with losing someone.

Comedycook · 01/01/2022 12:58

I think you should go.

From my own experience, the ceremony/service is quite sad. However, the gathering/wake afterwards are often surprisingly jolly. People often enjoy catching up with their relatives and family friends and reminiscing. Oh and people eat a lot I've noticed although of course you don't have to.

Comedycook · 01/01/2022 12:59

So sorry, must read the full thread, saw it it was in very sad circumstances.... I still think you should go...it probably wont be quite as awful as you expect.
Sorry for your loss

DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes · 01/01/2022 13:00

You need to go. No one likes funerals but it’s an important life skill and you can support your parents.

EightNationNavy · 01/01/2022 13:03

Learning to face stuff that other people do all the time but that you haven't, yet, and are nervous about, is part of growing up.
Go.
And btw it is perfectly acceptable to be upset at funerals, even expected.
Soon you will be the one setting an example to a younger generation, so practicing the art of facing the unknown and controlling your behaviour when facing strong emotions is valuable.

TurkeyRoastvBubbleandSqueek · 01/01/2022 13:09

I think that you will look back and regret not going, even if you go because there will presumably some funerals coming up that you really should go to, and having been to one you will not feel so scared about going to any other loved ones funerals. Showing grief at a funeral, or not showing grief at a funeral are both fine, so please don't worry about that.

SirVixofVixHall · 01/01/2022 13:09

I have been to dozens of funeral, and my dc have been to funerals since they were tiny. Of course they are sad, some sadder than others, but they are part and parcel of life and the cycle of lives beginning and lives ending.
I have been to funerals after suicide, (and murder) of course there is a different level of grief when a younger person dies in a traumatic or violent way, but the funeral can still be a way of remembering with gratitude the happier times you had with a loved one or friend, and funerals can be immensely comforting. I dreaded my father’s funeral but found comfort in the people who came, told me little memories they had of my Dad, shared my pain at his death.

CraftyGin · 01/01/2022 13:48

Death is part of life.

I think you should make every effort to attend. You will get through it and come out the other end.

The funeral service is a goodbye, but eulogies are about the life the person lived, not the circumstances of their death. There will be readings, poems, a tribute, and liturgy (whether secular or religious). If it is a religious, there will be a hymn or two and prayers. At the end of the service, is the committal, where the body is returned to the earth. Different crematoria do this in their own way, for example the coffin moving through curtains.

A wake, IME, is usually a happy event. It's where you catch up with old friends and relatives, and share happy stories of the deceased.

Another thing to add, that it is a great comfort to the immediate family for you to take the trouble to attend.

ParkheadParadise · 01/01/2022 13:52

Funerals are part of life
Like Christenings, Weddings.
It's very unusual to get to 30 and never attended a funeral.
In my 30's I'd buried my mum, dad and daughter🙁

MargotEmin · 01/01/2022 13:57

How do you know you hate them if you've never been to one?

In any event, sometimes we have to do things that are painful to support the people around us, or as a means of expressing our love. Sorry, but that's adulthood for you.

ZenNudist · 01/01/2022 14:03

I think you should go as a mark of respect to your aunt and to support your parents and show your face as part of the family. Not going because you find it upsetting is childish. How would you feel if people didn't attend a funeral that mattered to you?

No one likes them. Yes it's upsetting. Big girl pants on and show up for your family.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 01/01/2022 14:06

The MN consensus on funerals is attend them at all costs or else you're selfish. My view is don't go if you don't want to, but consider any potential future fall out if you don't go. Weigh up the pros and cons of attending/not attending.

As others said you will unfortunately have to attend a funeral at some point in future - we all will. I've been to far too many sadly. One tip I can offer you is having a good cry and letting it all out the day before. This really helps on the day. It's ok to get upset at the funeral. Just stay calm. Services usually only last 30 minutes.

sorryiasked · 01/01/2022 14:08

You need to go to support your parents (just by being there), and as a mark of respect to your aunt.
As others have said its a normal part of life, and apart from anything else will help to give you some closure (and also a reality check so that you don't blow the next funeral out of all proportion too).
You don't have to stay for the wake if you don't want to, but it won't be any worse than the last wedding reception you went to and you may well enjoy it.

VenusClapTrap · 01/01/2022 14:10

You’ve definitely turned this into something in your head that it isn’t. I think you should go, face your fears and say goodbye to your aunt. It won’t be like you think.

Most people get a lot of comfort from the family gathering afterwards.

stiltonandcrackers · 01/01/2022 14:11

I think it's really up to you. One of my fathers closest friends absolutely hated funerals to a point that she could not cope with them. When my father died, she did not come to his funeral. I didn't expect her to and neither would my father. I am not sure she even went to her siblings funerals. For her she had a very strong reaction to funerals and everyone understood this.

If this is how you feel then maybe don't go but contribute in some other way to your aunts immediate family, a donation, a card etc. But ultimately it's up to you and what you feel up to.

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