Do I attend a funeral?

[Tobleroney]

I have been getting worked up about this all over Xmas. My aunt died and her funeral is next week. I haven't seen her for maybe 8 years, but she was definitely around and played a role in my childhood and I have some happy memories. On the other hand, I have never been to a funeral, despite being in my 30s, as I hate them, feel very blue and down with all the infectious emotions around death, have cried about imagining it several times mainly from seeing my parents and other, closer people's reactions to the funeral and the grief. Also can't understand why I would want to eat food afterwards at the wake and also a bit nervous about meeting other relatives I haven't seen for the same length of time and the awkwardness of it all, while realising this is also one of my only chances to actually meet them as we are not a close extended family. So, I am very naive about funerals and the mechanics of what the actual crem will be & anxious about bring disproportionately upset on behalf of other people, but so I go and suck it up for my own parents' sake and a chance to see the family, or do I shield behind work and not being able to go as an excuse? I do definitely care about the loss of my aunt, but my sadness is for my childhood self loss rather than any involvement in her recent life... This is a bit of a ramble. I just don't want to make a fool of myself by going and being too upset, but I want to support my parents, but I am not now close to my aunt but will be in bits anyway because the whole atmosphere and dread of going to any funeral in the first place....

When the first of your parents dies, are you going to tell the surviving one you are too busy with work? Easier to face it now then later

And at most funerals there is generally dignified sadness and maybe a point where a few people are crying hard. It does not matter if this is you, no-one will think worse of you either way.

Take tissues, don’t wear mascara, and get through the day.

Thanks everyone. I do need to pull my socks up. I think my presence will be a comfort to some others. I guess I feel like a bit of a fraud in that I am not close to this person, haven't thought about them for nearly a decade or sent them a birthday or Christmas card, and then to turn up and grieve alongside much closer family, as not many people can go or want to, make it makes me feel a bit out of place, knowing that I'll be full on waterworks because I tend to cry a lot, and just not wanting to be in the presence of a coffin or genuinely affected and grieving people for the first time in my life (yes, I am lucky and also because I was very sheltered from these things earlier in life).

Well I still stick by my opinion - which is the opposite of everyones elses reply!
If you dont want to go then dont go

When my mum died in very traumatic circumstances it was comforting to see people at the funeral who hadn't seen or spoken to my mum in years.
She'd clearly made an impression on them at some point and it was really nice to see that.
I didn't think anyone was a fraud for attending. In fact, some of my work colleagues and friends attended and they'd never met my mum but we're there to support me.

@Tobleroney

Thanks everyone. I do need to pull my socks up. I think my presence will be a comfort to some others. I guess I feel like a bit of a fraud in that I am not close to this person, haven't thought about them for nearly a decade or sent them a birthday or Christmas card, and then to turn up and grieve alongside much closer family, as not many people can go or want to, make it makes me feel a bit out of place, knowing that I'll be full on waterworks because I tend to cry a lot, and just not wanting to be in the presence of a coffin or genuinely affected and grieving people for the first time in my life (yes, I am lucky and also because I was very sheltered from these things earlier in life).

I think you're overthinking to be honest. Funerals are usually packed full of family and friends who weren't massively close to the person who died. It's pretty normal. I've been to funerals of my friends parent who I didnt know too well but I went as a support to my friend. I cried...not because I was personally affected but because the end of a life is a sad thing. No one will think it's strange if you cry. I'd probably cry if I went to a total strangers funeral.

OP if it helps, I did the eulogy at a close relatives funeral recently, this person meant the world to me but I had to hold it together to get through the eulogy. In contrast, a distant relative related only through marriage was breaking her heart.

I felt nothing but compassion for her, I surmised that she must have been much fonder of our relative than I realised, or perhaps she just finds funerals hard, maybe they trigger memories of other losses she's had. Either way, I only thought about/ noticed her fleetingly and certainly not in a negative way.

I think you should go, it will not be as awful as you seem to think,. My family had a time when we only met up at funerals. Zt one of them it was decided to have a meet up without a funeral being the cause.
One relative sent out invitations to all relatives she could think of. It was surprising how many turned up,ones we'd only vaguely heard of through parents but never met. We had a lovely party and worked out our connections.
I do agree about eating at funerals though, OP.

I’ve been to many funerals and they aren’t all weeping and wailing like you see on TV. It’s very sombre, and a few tears, but pretty much most people have done their crying before hand.

Go. Support those who have been left behind.

Take your tissues and go to the funeral. They aren't the terrifying thing you've built them up to be.

Typically there's milling about outside, then the cofin is carried inand everyone follows behind into the crem. The order of service is either handed out or waiting on the chairs. The celebrant introduces him/herself, there's a summary of the person's life and then someone close usually does a eulogy or a reading. Then music, closing remarks and if appropriate information about a collection for charity and/or where post-service refreshments will be held.

Maybe 30 minutes? the Crem ones are usually pretty short, religious ones take longer.

Some people cry, some don't. It's totally fine either way. Lots of people won't have seen the deceased for many years - that doesn't matter either. You're honouring that they meant something to you at a point in your life, and you're there to support your family.

Once you've been to one it won't seem as intimidating again.

Responding to the thought that lots of family and friends will be turning up - they won't. My aunt kept herself to herself & had no children/partner and probably no friends, so it's really just relations. I suppose that's a reason more so to go..

I think it's time you learn how to deal with something that makes you feel uncomfortable. Go to the funeral, you'll be fine, and you are definitely making this into much bigger of a deal than it actually is.

I also agree with this.

There isn't an issue with being upset - I mean, it's a funeral. People will be upset.
I also think you have built 'attending a funeral' up in your head to be something more than it is. Yes, the service at the crem can make people cry, but it is also a chance to express fond thoughts and memories.

Also can't understand why I would want to eat food afterwards at the wake and also a bit nervous about meeting other relatives I haven't seen for the same length of time and the awkwardness of it all, while realising this is also one of my only chances to actually meet them as we are not a close extended family.

This is usually the nice part of the day, and brings real comfort to those close to the person who has died. People reminisce, and laugh together as they share fond memories. I mean, it is often a practical thing to for people who have travelled especially, but most folk are ready for a cuppa and a cake after a funeral.

@Tobleroney

Responding to the thought that lots of family and friends will be turning up - they won't. My aunt kept herself to herself & had no children/partner and probably no friends, so it's really just relations. I suppose that's a reason more so to go..

Are you sure about this? My father was a bit of a loner towards the end of his life...his funeral was packed. You might be surprised.

@SpinsForGin

When my mum died in very traumatic circumstances it was comforting to see people at the funeral who hadn't seen or spoken to my mum in years. She'd clearly made an impression on them at some point and it was really nice to see that. I didn't think anyone was a fraud for attending. In fact, some of my work colleagues and friends attended and they'd never met my mum but we're there to support me.

I agree with this. I have also been to the funeral of people I hardly knew, to support the bereaved people who I do know.

I agree with Spins
At my parents' funerals, it was really touching that people that we had not even met, came from various parts of their lives.

I have also been to some funerals to support the bereaved - so, in this case, to show support to your parents.