Help me save my birthday

[Wouldyoubaby]

I can’t work out if I’m right to be hurt or am being a child about it. I suspect a mixture, but please tell me what to say / how to act to not totally ruin the day.

It’s my birthday tomorrow, for various reasons it’s the first one I’ve spent with my dp in person despite us living together. He’s been talking for months about how amazing my birthday is going to be - my son has kept the ‘secret’ and has been so chuffed that I am finally getting a good birthday as historically he feels sorry for me as it’s usually just a normal day for me.

It basically turns out my dp hasn’t actually done anything to plan my birthday. He wanted to send me to a spa with my step daughter then I came back and all the kids are there for a family meal as a surprise. Except he hasn’t booked it, or asked the kids (who have other plans now) and he hasn’t bought me any presents to open as apparently it’s hard because my birthday is so close to Christmas. My son is gutted because he thought he had planned something special, and I’m gutted because I actually got my hopes up.

Added info which probably isn’t relevant but adds to the back story. I go all out for other peoples birthdays, we decorate the house, I make a cake for them, there’s always loads of presents and usually an activity too (my dp had a spa day then a meal and fireworks)

My dp is now running around trying to throw money at the situation to fix it and is angry at me for feeling gutted he’s done nothing. He’s a high earner and his default is to throw money at whatever is the problem so whilst I’m grateful, it also feels meaningless and a bit insulting to have £500 transferred into the joint account when I don’t have a birthday card and am trying to find something for my son to wrap up so he’s not disappointed.

Help me get my head in a better place about this please - tell me what I should say to dp to make it better. I know I’m a grown up and adult birthdays are often classed as unimportant on mumsnet, but we celebrate them in this family and I’m feeling so bloody down.

First of all Happy Birthday and hope your day ends better than it has started. Your DP is an arse and adult birthdays are important. There's no way to rectify his complete thoughtlessness for this birthday but I'd be having a long chat about it for next time. Can you suggest going out for a birthday meal today to celebrate? Get n your favourite movie and tell DP to get the treats and snacks out

Why not wait and see what happens. It's not even your birthday yet. Even if it's last minute it may be an amazing day.

500 quid would save the day for me! Sorry he hasn't made enough effort to sort plans properly. Happy birthday anyway.

My son's birthday is boxing day so I know what you mean about putting extra effort in for harder birthdays. I nearly kill myself to make sure it's a good day even though I really can't be bothered after Christmas day. I hope he appreciates the effort.

He’s a total arse.

Take the £500 and your DS. Go see a show, have an extravagant meal or slap-up afternoon tea etc.

Remind your (presumably grown-up?) DC that they have a mother who likes to celebrate birthdays and it would be nice if they’d check in on plans.

Be lividly icy with ‘D’P.

Wait for a moment while I pick my jaw up from the floor....

OK. The short term goal is to enjoy your birthday. Imagine all the fuss about something amazing being done for you, and then not, hasn't happened. Say if a meteorite had flattened your DP a few weeks ago. The past is fixed.
Arrange fun things, whatever you can at short notice, um - probably nothing that relies on your DP in any way. Takeaway or whatever, film on, enjoy the cards and presents you do get.
Act like the DP who let you down is dead and the man at the meal is his twin brother.

I wonder, is he a high earner partly because he consistently devotes himself to work, abandoning all other responsibilities and obligations? Does he not get anyone birthday cards and presents? Is he disorganized in other parts of life?

YANBU to be upset. A decent man cuts his coat according to his cloth; if he hasn't money or time ... or the mental space to do something, he does not say he will!

I'm not saying he is the new Hitler or anything but this is not the way you act towards a girlfriend you want to keep!!!

You have all made me cry, I wasn’t sure I was being childish to be so hurt

Yes, he’s used to me picking up the pieces with the house / kids as he works a lot. He’s incredibly generous, but it sometimes feels a bit meaningless because it’s an easy fix to Amazon prime something rather than address the real problem. I actually asked this year for him to take a day off when the kids were back at school so we could goto the cinema and for a meal. It was booked for later this week, but he cancelled it due to a work situation.

I don’t want to appear ungrateful, I know £500 is a lot. It’s just the thoughtlessness and the getting my hopes up.

I think you are right, I’ll take DS out tomorrow and leave dp be. I just want it to be over with now, roll on schools going back and some normality again

Sorry he is rubbish. As a side note please remind him he isn't to ask your dc to keep any secrets from you.
I would be fuming if dh did that.

I hear you, OP. It’s my DH’s birthday tomorrow. All efforts are made to make it special because it’s a crappy day to have a birthday. We downplay Xmas to minimise the risk of his birthday getting swallowed up by it.

I’m sorry that your partner has been so thoughtless. There’s cake and bubbles here if you’re close by!

Cake and fizz would be amazing, thank you!

I’ve just thrown my toys out the pram as he’s gone out shopping and said I don’t want his last minute gifts because He’s only bought them because I said I was upset, and he can’t fix a lack of effort or time at this point.

I feel like I’m cutting my nose off to spite my face, and I’m making him feel crap when I should probably just suck it up. I don’t know. I’m taking Ds to McDonald’s now to try clear my head!

He deserves to feel crap. Hope you enjoyed your time out with DS.

What a twat!! He's upset you and your dc with his future-faking shit. What was he thinking?

Your adult dc should also be putting in effort to your birthday...

I'd tell your h how upset you are, see what he says. His excuses are crap.

Happy birthday! 🥳

Happy b day tom!
What about late posh breakfast out and a lovely lunch somewhere special ….
That easily takes nearly all the day.
Do you live near a city where you can get a train in? Go to London for the day? Something a bit different to make it lovely!!!! And no pressure to drive and no local boring pubs.
It still can be amazing - happy b day 🍾🎂

Why does every thread with an Op posting about her partner being a thoughtless twat always have people trying to diagnose said twat?

Plan some nice things for yourself tomorrow, you still have time and I’m sure you’ll have a lovely day.
I always plan my own birthday well in
Advance and have a great time. Maybe you could do that next year?

Thank you for everyone’s Birthday wishes and validation I’m not being (too much of) a spoiled brat.

I’m not going to leave him or anything (we are due to get married later this year) but who ever mentioned future faking is def on the money. He desperately wants to people please so promises the world, but then struggles to deliver. We have spoken in the past about how he sucks the joy from things for me by throwing last minute spanners in the works, meaning even if the thing he has promised does even go ahead there is so much angst associated with it that it’s ruined anyway.

We haven’t really spoken today, but are having this conversation over text about how I feel. He says he is ordered my present weeks ago - which is lies as I heard him on the phone doing it this morning, and that I have the cash (but not the day out where we went for lunch and to the cinema that I asked for)

I’ve asked for him to look after DS tomorrow and I’m going to go into town and explore by myself as we have just moved here. Dp isn’t a bad man, but he’s let me down on this and I’m genuinely upset. I won’t get my hopes up next year

Don't marry a liar op. It will come back to haunt you ime.

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Don't marry a liar op. It will come back to haunt you ime.

Sadly I agree with this. Maybe postpone for a while to consider if there is really a future with someone who makes promises to you he then breaks, gets angry at you for his own failings and the lies to you... 🌹

Happy birthday! You have 500 quid! My husband has ALWAYS let me down on my birthday, he’s not a bad person, but thoughtless. I organise my own happiness now. Lunch, movies, shopping, on your own, with kids or a friend. Make sure you celebrate xxxx

It's trite but anyone can say sorry. The main thing for me is not what he pulls out of the bag this year, or that he says sorry, but that next time he gets his arse in gear and shows you he's making an effort, because it is important to you. Of course there are only so many times you can just forgive and hope for better. But at risk of treating him like a child this is what we say to the kids - thank you for saying sorry, but what we really want is for you to make a different choice next time.

The £500 is a put up and shut up incentive..

"We have spoken in the past about how he sucks the joy from things for me by throwing last minute spanners in the works, meaning even if the thing he has promised does even go ahead there is so much angst associated with it that it’s ruined anyway."

Oh OP, don't marry or stay with someone who makes you feel like this on a regular basis, it's just not worth it. Life doesn't need to be like that, it's not any way to live!

I feel you may be with my exh op...

Lies aren't the basis for a happy marriage.

@Wouldyoubaby 'he’s let me down on this and I’m genuinely upset. I won’t get my hopes up next year'.
Why should you lower your expectations when you're not asking for much at all?
Of course you're upset.
I'm sorry to say this but if he isn't reliable now, it's not going to improve.
Only you can decide if that's what you will be happy with going forward.