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Original poster

Help me save my birthday

47 replies

Wouldyoubaby · 01/01/2022 12:42

I can’t work out if I’m right to be hurt or am being a child about it. I suspect a mixture, but please tell me what to say / how to act to not totally ruin the day.

It’s my birthday tomorrow, for various reasons it’s the first one I’ve spent with my dp in person despite us living together. He’s been talking for months about how amazing my birthday is going to be - my son has kept the ‘secret’ and has been so chuffed that I am finally getting a good birthday as historically he feels sorry for me as it’s usually just a normal day for me.

It basically turns out my dp hasn’t actually done anything to plan my birthday. He wanted to send me to a spa with my step daughter then I came back and all the kids are there for a family meal as a surprise. Except he hasn’t booked it, or asked the kids (who have other plans now) and he hasn’t bought me any presents to open as apparently it’s hard because my birthday is so close to Christmas. My son is gutted because he thought he had planned something special, and I’m gutted because I actually got my hopes up.

Added info which probably isn’t relevant but adds to the back story. I go all out for other peoples birthdays, we decorate the house, I make a cake for them, there’s always loads of presents and usually an activity too (my dp had a spa day then a meal and fireworks)

My dp is now running around trying to throw money at the situation to fix it and is angry at me for feeling gutted he’s done nothing. He’s a high earner and his default is to throw money at whatever is the problem so whilst I’m grateful, it also feels meaningless and a bit insulting to have £500 transferred into the joint account when I don’t have a birthday card and am trying to find something for my son to wrap up so he’s not disappointed.

Help me get my head in a better place about this please - tell me what I should say to dp to make it better. I know I’m a grown up and adult birthdays are often classed as unimportant on mumsnet, but we celebrate them in this family and I’m feeling so bloody down.

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 01/01/2022 20:27

tell me what I should say to dp to make it better.

It’s worth noticing that one of your first reactions was how can you make the situation caused by DP’s shitty behaviour better. That’s not your job!

poolblue · 01/01/2022 20:28

You have my sympathy. It's really hard when you are the one who plans birthdays, buys cake, hangs up balloons etc but get very little in return. This happened to me recently and it was a big birthday. I was furious and spoilt the day by telling my DH how selfish he had been. We've had several talks since then and I know that next year will definitely be better. I hope it is for you.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 01/01/2022 20:34

You concentrate on making things better for YOU op. And you end things.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Events & celebrations Relationship problems
FoxgloveSummers · 01/01/2022 20:38

I would be heartbroken after all the talking up he’s done and probably go for a night away in a hotel on my own or with a mate.

autieok · 01/01/2022 20:55

He's a dick because he built it up then didn't plan anything. I would take the money and do something fun with your son who sounds wonderful

MMMarmite · 01/01/2022 21:00

He lies to you and let's you down, repeatedly. Why do you want to marry him?

Pancakeorcrepe · 01/01/2022 21:44

I’m really sorry but the lying would do it for me. Please don’t marry this man.

thetinsoldier · 01/01/2022 21:50

DON'T MARRY HIM!!!!!!

Look at all the red flags: he sucks the joy from things for me by throwing last minute spanners in the works, meaning even if the thing he has promised does even go ahead there is so much angst associated with it

This is awful. You're in the honeymoon period. He should be trying his best to make everything great for you.

He's really not. Be really really careful here - things won't get better! And you're worth more.

Dillydollydingdong · 01/01/2022 23:15

I think maybe you expect too much. We got to my birthday and we'd decided we'd go to the wetlands at Arundel for the afternoon, so we did. It didn't need booking. We had coffee and a sandwich, then met his db and SIL for a pub meal in the evening. All dp had to do was make himself available, and then pay. I was happy with that.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 01/01/2022 23:35

It wasn't op's expectations that were wrong. He lied.
He is a LIAR. Nobody made him lie.

He chose to lie.

Would he be lying as he said his vows?
After all he is a proven liar..

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 01/01/2022 23:40

@Dillydollydingdong

I think maybe you expect too much. We got to my birthday and we'd decided we'd go to the wetlands at Arundel for the afternoon, so we did. It didn't need booking. We had coffee and a sandwich, then met his db and SIL for a pub meal in the evening. All dp had to do was make himself available, and then pay. I was happy with that.
No she doesn't expect too much. She makes a big effort for everyone else and gets nothing in return! She had false promises made to her and so her hopes were built up then dashed. No wonder she is upset!

I would say you can make it up to me by organising something fun that I would like, if you can't do it today then do it tomorrow! Good luck xxx

Graphista · 02/01/2022 03:58

At the very very least postpone the wedding.

IF he steps up for Valentine's Day, Mother's Day etc AND stops the lying AND stops over promising AND addresses the workaholism MAYBE he's worth giving another chance...

I'd be off!

autieok · 02/01/2022 06:00

@Dillydollydingdong

I think maybe you expect too much. We got to my birthday and we'd decided we'd go to the wetlands at Arundel for the afternoon, so we did. It didn't need booking. We had coffee and a sandwich, then met his db and SIL for a pub meal in the evening. All dp had to do was make himself available, and then pay. I was happy with that.
If he's not the sort of person to do grand gestures fair enough but it's the fact he made a big deal then didn't deliver. And the worst but for me is that he got her son all excited too.
whitewashing · 02/01/2022 07:35

DO NOT MARRY A LIAR!!!!!

FoxgloveSummers · 02/01/2022 10:47

Happy birthday @Wouldyoubaby! I hope you have made a new (life) year’s resolution to look after yourself, including by expecting high standards of behaviour from those around you. Cake

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 02/01/2022 11:21

My dh ruined my 40th..
He was an exh before I was 41....

Bellaphant · 02/01/2022 11:54

Honestly, only you know if this is indicative of how he feels about you generally: a nice idea bit not actually worth the effort, or a proper mistake he he is trying to fix.

The fact that he hasn't spoken to you about an alternative: nice lunch out, your favourite movie, looking after the kids while you have a gin in the bath, whatever, would worry me.

My first mother's Day was just as restrictions came in so we did nothing, and it really bothered me. I talked with DH about it and this year's was great: tea in bed, a bath, a walk in the local botanical gardens. It isn't about it being fancy, it's about your needs being met.

I hope you can chat with him and have a good day.

thetinsoldier · 02/01/2022 15:49

@Dillydollydingdong

I think maybe you expect too much. We got to my birthday and we'd decided we'd go to the wetlands at Arundel for the afternoon, so we did. It didn't need booking. We had coffee and a sandwich, then met his db and SIL for a pub meal in the evening. All dp had to do was make himself available, and then pay. I was happy with that.
Bollocks! She puts edit into other peoples birthdays and expects the same in return. You are not her. The op deserves to have her needs met.
thetinsoldier · 02/01/2022 15:49

Effort, not edit!

LiveintheNow · 02/01/2022 15:52

Quote from OP

I won’t get my hopes up next year

The training is working on you then!

Herecomesthesun70 · 02/01/2022 21:42

Happy Birthday I hope he pulled something out of the bag did you

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/01/2022 21:47

How did it go? Happy birthday!

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