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Original poster

Why have things changed so much (relationships)?

218 replies

NewUser2022 · 01/01/2022 09:22

Genuine question. Not being judgy but would love to know why!

When I got married, 35 years ago, no one lived together before being married (or very few.) It was called 'living in sin' if you did.
Because of circumstances, I had to end the lease on my house and move in with my fiance for a few weeks before our wedding. My parents were ashamed and didn't even like telling people.

I know this is hard to believe.

But now, the pendulum has gone the other way.

None of my friends sons or daughters get engaged while living apart in their own places, then marry. They all live together and then an engagement and wedding (might) follow at some point, even after a child arrives.

If you are under 55, you might not be aware of how dramatically things have changed over 30 years.

But what I'm asking is why?

Why does no one live separately any more and then buy/move in once they are engaged or married?

Is it really all about try before you buy, as well as not placing any value on marriage any more?

OP posts:
Ovenaffray · 01/01/2022 09:24

Why does it matter? Why do you care?

I did it “the right way” and ended up married to a dickhead who had an affair.

purpleme12 · 01/01/2022 09:26

I don't see how it's about not placing value on marriage
Yes it is about try before you buy. Because not living with someone is very different to living with someone
And I'd want to make sure we're compatible before marrying

Original poster
NewUser2022 · 01/01/2022 09:28

@Ovenaffray

Why does it matter? Why do you care?

I did it “the right way” and ended up married to a dickhead who had an affair.

It's called having a conversation.

I like discussing issues.

Maybe you don't?

OP posts:
TheDogsMother · 01/01/2022 09:29

I think it's great that people can do these things any way they want to without being judged. There is no right or wrong way, just personal preference and I say this as someone over the age of 55.

Moonface88 · 01/01/2022 09:29

Quite nice to live in less judgemental times tbh (in this regard!)

Original poster
NewUser2022 · 01/01/2022 09:29

Oh and @Ovenaffray I never said there was a right way or wrong way. I asked why younger people did things a different way.

OP posts:
Ovenaffray · 01/01/2022 09:30

Your post is dripping in judgement.

Onlinedilema · 01/01/2022 09:30

Lots of reasons I imagine.
So many people saw their parents unhappily married that they no longer rush to do it.
It's (hopefully) no longer shameful for people especially women not to be married off by 25ish.
The children thing does baffle me. So many people should not be having children with any random person. Really, really wish women would wait longer before rushing in. I personally would prefer to see women using donor sperm and being more financially and emotionally stable before having children.
I'm not sure when it became the norm for women to meet someone, having a kid with them and then get married. I suppose finances play a huge part in all of this as it's difficult to afford to live alone.
I'm still amazed at the number of single women who give their child the fathers name though, the vast majority of whom then separate and are left with a child with a different surname.

Original poster
NewUser2022 · 01/01/2022 09:30

Before anyone else jumps in read y 2nd sentence.

I am not judging.

I want to now why younger people would never do what we oldies did which was date for a while, get engaged and live apart, then marry.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewUser2022 · 01/01/2022 09:31

@Ovenaffray

Your post is dripping in judgement.
Well you clearly can't read or don't understand debates. Don't post if you can't read what I wrote.
OP posts:
Adventsquirrel · 01/01/2022 09:31

I couldn't imagine promising to spend my life with someone I had not lived with. How do you know you're properly compatible? Living with someone helps you understand how they'll be with money/ bills, meals, routines, household tasks etc - things that can end up being important in a marriage.
Also housing is expensive so it's practical/money-saving to live together before committing to marriage, if you'd be spending a lot of time at each other's houses anyway.

user15364596354862 · 01/01/2022 09:32

@NewUser2022

Oh and *@Ovenaffray* I never said there was a right way or wrong way. I asked why younger people did things a different way.
Perhaps not, but your choice of language strongly communicated a view on what you consider right.
Justilou1 · 01/01/2022 09:33

Because a lot of people (man and women) were trapped in miserable, abusive relationships because there was no financial assistance and the stigma attached being a single parent was far, far worse than leaving. Women in this position would have had few legal opportunities to support themselves and their kids apart from prostitution, etc… and frankly, the slut-shaming and treatment from wider family was often more horrific than what they were receiving from the abusive husband. The churches also had more social influence and there was very much a “Better the Devil You Know” policy regarding staying in horrible marriages.
My own grandmother told me to live with someone for a long time before I married him and had kids because “You don’t buy clothes before you’ve tried them on, do you dear? I would hate you to end up like I did.”

Original poster
NewUser2022 · 01/01/2022 09:33

@user15364596354862 That's your opinion. I don't see any of what you think I said and I went out of my way in the 2nd sentence to say it wasn't coming from 'judgement'.

Perhaps you need to work on your comprehension skills.

OP posts:
Ovenaffray · 01/01/2022 09:33

I did read what you wrote.

Why being up all the negatives? You’re being incredibly judgemental.

I will never marry again. I’m similar age to you and I wish I had lived with my ex first. I didn’t and it was a mistake. I think the younger folks today have the right idea in living together before marriage.

I had my kids when I was married and I still ended up a single parent. It made no difference to me. And I didn’t get child support either so I don’t see what difference it would’ve made to that either.

I wish I’d “lived in sin”.

WhatAHexIGotInto · 01/01/2022 09:34

I got married 33 years ago and we lived together first. It wasn't as usual as it is now, no, but it certainly wasn't unheard of. I don't remember my parents being thrilled about it but I wasn't ostracised by my family or anything.

Bloatstoat · 01/01/2022 09:34

It is interesting how much things have changed. My mum got married at 20 because she and my dad wanted to live together (moving areas because she got a job) - she says herself if they had been able to live together without comment, she would have waited to get married. I got married at 31, had been with DH 5 years and lived together for 4, living separately meant each having a room in a house share with no space or privacy and housemates not wanting partners there - together we could afford a studio flat so it made sense to live together rather than separately.

I don't think it's that marriage is valued more or less than it ever was, just social pressures have changed so those who don't want to do it don't feel they have to anymore.

Ovenaffray · 01/01/2022 09:35

And by the way. It’s your kind of attitudes that made me stay longer than I should have. For the sake of not bringing shame on the family. I should have left in the first 6 months

Also. If you didn’t want judgement on your posting then you shouldn’t have asked the questions.

Onlinedilema · 01/01/2022 09:35

The trouble with The 'new' way is that women are still very vunerable if they have a child. I suppose that's the killer, having a child. We need a better system to protect mothers (fathers too if genuinely parent as much as the mother.)
Divorce is very, very hard there is no getting away from it. Perhaps that's a factor.

CatherinedeBourgh · 01/01/2022 09:36

Nah, I got married nearly 30 years ago and people were baffled that we did, and asked why we couldn’t just live together. We’d already lived together for over a year, and loads of our friends were living with their partners at uni (although often in shared houses).

It probably depended on your social circle, and social circles have become more diffuse over time, which can only be good

Ginisatonic · 01/01/2022 09:36

I moved in with my now DH 35 years ago this month. We lived together for almost three years before we got married. Not that unusual even then.
In my opinion getting married is an important commitment in a relationship but I don’t think you know someone well enough before you live together.

WhatAHexIGotInto · 01/01/2022 09:37

Gosh @NewUser2022, I have no opinion on your original post, but your subsequent ones make you sound really quite unpleasant just because people have questioned you. You said you wanted conversation, that doesn't mean that it should just be everyone agreeing with you.

Original poster
NewUser2022 · 01/01/2022 09:37

@Ovenaffray Ok- so list what you see as judgy and negatives. I can't see anything to support your opinion. I asked why people now do it differently.

OP posts:
DivorcedAndDelighted · 01/01/2022 09:38

When I got married, 35 years ago, no one lived together before being married (or very few.) It was called 'living in sin' if you did.

Where do/did you live OP? I got married 25 years ago and started dating in the 80s. It was very common for couples to live together before marriage in the 80s. Certainly in the late 80s it was the norm. I can't remember any weddings where the couple didn't live together beforehand. But I'm in SE England, so maybe it was different in more traditional areas?

Ovenaffray · 01/01/2022 09:38

It’s your tone. You’re judgemental.

I explained my personal situation and yet you haven’t responded to that, merely continued to attack me. Why?

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