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Original poster

I’m not good at being the parent of teenagers

49 replies

Newpuppymummy · 31/12/2021 09:35

I loved being a parent when my kids were little. I loved spending time with me, doing activities with them. I felt I was a good parent.

Fast forward to the teen years and I just don’t enjoy it. We have the occasional nice time together but most of the time I feel it’s forced. They aren’t having fun and I’m not. It’s just not how I expected/hope it would be. It feels hard work with them all the time. Maybe I’m expecting too much? Does anyone else feel this way?

Does anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 31/12/2021 09:42

I much preferred the teenage years! Mine had interests which kept them busy...they didn't mope around or spend much time in their bedrooms. I had an open house...their friends were always welcome and I knew most of the parents too.
I saw it as freedom for us as parents too.

FortunesFave · 31/12/2021 09:44

It's not easy that's for sure! Mine are 17 and 13...the way I cope is not to expect anything of them and then I'm not disappointed and they sometimes surprise me!

One of mine likes to spend a lot of time alone and the other is obsessed with me and always wants me to talk intensely to her.

Does my head right in!

I try to balance things. The quieter one won't come out with me but she will watch a film. The other won't watch a film but will come out.

They change a lot between 16 and 20.

2andahalfpints · 31/12/2021 09:47

My teenagers always seem to need a lot of time to themselves. It's a shock to the system as a parent I think because you aren't changing but they are so it seems to come all at once!

We found staying at the table after dinner and having a game of cards or some other quick game a good way to reconnect everyone without encroaching on them too much. Just sporadically when needed.

Changing up what you do together, one on one (if poss) cinema or shopping, teaching them to cook.

I found teenagers a lonely time and there isn't support and advice like there is for little ones.

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ClemDanFango · 31/12/2021 09:47

I just let my teens get on with their lives and check in with them regularly to see how they are if they need a chat etc. They’re at the age that family is less important and friendship groups are their focus which is normal.
They know I love them and I’m here if they need me but I basically let them alone.

onedayoranother · 31/12/2021 09:49

It goes from being physically responsible for your kids (relatively easy) to the emotional and psychological. They are pushing boundaries for themselves and in their relationship with you like never before. They look like almost adults but their brains still aren't mature and they still don't process as adults. Add in there exam pressure, adolescence, boyfriends/girlfriends, the future and just coping and it's a recipe for upset, misunderstandings and fraught times.
But you just hang in there, listen and love them. Remember they are people in their own right, with different ambitions and ideas than you. A lot of biting your tongue!
They will be the people they are meant to be and all you can do is support them in that journey. And treat yourself with kindness too!

RubyFakeLips · 31/12/2021 09:49

What are you doing with them where it feels forced? I think teen years are some of the best but it is a change in the dynamic.

FingChristmasFamily · 31/12/2021 09:55

Teenagers have bigger problems and are more emotionally draining than younger kids. That said I really enjoy the company of my 17 and 14 year old dds. We (mostly) get on well and have fun times together on a more equal level. It’s almost like hanging out with friends, except they expect me to pay for everything!

Original poster
Newpuppymummy · 31/12/2021 09:58

@onedayoranother that’s really useful to hear. Thank you x

OP posts:
Yuledo · 31/12/2021 09:59

It took me a while not to get dragged into the arguments. For a while there were many locked horns, then I eventually learnt to walk away and then revisit the bone of contention when they had calmed down. Often once they had calmed down they would apologise off their own back anyway. There is no point arguing with a teen when the red mist has descended for either of you.

Overall I enjoyed the teen years. You do have to trust you laid the groundwork when they were young so they make the right decisions.. There is little point punishing them by the time they are mid teens. It won’t work.
Keep lines of communication open. I used to say “I can’t stop you doing x,y and z but you know my opinion on it and I hope that you think carefully about any consequences and if you do do it, then please do it as safely as you can” That seemed to work and we got through without too much angst for all of us.

DontKeepTheFaith · 31/12/2021 10:05

Its not as easy with teens. Mine have always needed time to themselves and family trips haven’t happened for some years.

We are there for them and in some ways they need more emotional support than when they were younger but they just don’t want to be around us too much and we accept that.

Ds1 is coming out of the other side now he is at Uni but it has been a challenging few years with him.

I must admit I have enjoyed being able to come off nights and work days and have seen my career flourish as the dses don’t need me physically there as much any more. So in many respects I feel I have got my life back now they are teenagers. So not all bad!

ShippingNews · 31/12/2021 10:07

I loved those years. I treated them as friends - friends who needed support and sometimes a sharp word, but friends above all. I didn't try to control them, just to help them on their journey. They are both in their 30's now, we get along wonderfully still. My son has a teenager and he has said that he likes to be "the cool parent" like I was. High praise indeed.

Stopsnowing · 31/12/2021 10:08

I am a lone parent and finding the teenage years hard. They don’t want to spend time as a family. And after this they will be gone.

Yuledo · 31/12/2021 10:15

But you just hang in there, listen and love them. Remember they are people in their own right, with different ambitions and ideas than you. A lot of biting your tongue! They will be the people they are meant to be and all you can do is support them in that journey. And treat yourself with kindness too!

This is very true. And this

.
I didn't try to control them, just to help them on their journey.

Romeiswheretheheartis · 31/12/2021 10:15

@Stopsnowing me too. And I only have one child, so I'm effectively alone all the time while dd's in her room. It's very hard to adjust to. Sad

NynaeveSedai · 31/12/2021 10:20

What are you expecting from them? What do you mean forced?
Mine doesn't love coming with me to see family as it means he's not on the PlayStation or out with friends which are his two main joys in life but he will do it with a good grace. The rest of the time I let him do what makes him happy really. We spend half an hour every evening during term time playing cards and chatting before bed (evolved from reading to him) and once a week we watch a movie together but otherwise I'm on my own. That's ok though, it's quite normal at that age.

lljkk · 31/12/2021 10:20

I found little kids harder to deal with than teens. I wonder if anyone enjoys it all.

Iamtheweedonkey · 31/12/2021 10:23

I have a 17, 15 and nearly 13 DC. I think all ages have their difficulties, I do enjoy spending time with my teens. My youngest has asd and can flit between wanting to be on own or clinging to me. My eldest had a few years where he found the transition hard, we have always got on and enjoy watching films together, he has a difficult relationship with his dad as dh doesn't really understand him. middle dc has always been my easy child, always happy and cheerful, enjoys coming out with me or cooking etc.
I think spend time with them learning new things or get involved in their interests, talk to them and listen.

Thickasmincepie · 31/12/2021 10:27

I'm very much a cat person. I struggled with being needed and touched so much when dc were young. Iwasn't a great parent of small children, but luckily nursery and childminders were. We're almost in teenager years and I'm OK with this. I hated my parents all through those years and couldn't bear doing stuff with them, so I'm fully prepared for that.

junebirthdaygirl · 31/12/2021 10:42

I think it's a useful time to do things for yourself. Join a gym meet friends, read the books you always wanted to..then you are expecting nothing from your teens so any time they chose to spend as a family is a bonus.
I think it may be a bit more difficult in the pandemic as l loved their friends coming round, loved hearing all about the friends and their plans as they got older.
Always found food to be a great contact point as teens are eternally hungry so having nice dinners keeps them around and the chats then are lovely.
Mine never took to staying in their rooms and we live out the country so not as much scope for disappearing with friends so l quite enjoyed it.

Doublevodka · 31/12/2021 10:55

OP, I feel the same as you. I’m quite surprised to hear how many people are enjoying the teenage years because I am finding them extremely difficult to the point it is making me feel quite depressed. They were both absolutely gorgeous when they were little but now I find them unpleasant, selfish, disrespectful. Some days I actually feel like I’m grieving for my younger children because they have been replaced with two people I do not know at all. We have moments when we have fun and talk but those moments are very rare. I’m living in hope that things will get much better when they are older. I’m trying to step back a little and invest a bit more in myself now. I’ll be taking some advice from this thread too.

CharSiu · 31/12/2021 10:56

Two things open house for friends and shared interests.

Obviously this was pre covid, we were one of the few parents that would allow parties. We had the post GCSE party and 25 kids round for that, we were apparently legends for allowing it. The last party we had was NYE 2019 and DS had 15 friends round to that one.

DH and DS share a love of football so went to the occasional professional match together. DS played from age 7 to 17 and DH watched every match while I went along to most, we also used to go for lunch together afterwards.

DH, DS and I also all game.there was a time when all three of us played the same game. DS and I run a gaming clan together so organise events and administer behaviour and rules for 45 people. I know gaming is looked down on MN so feel I need to show we are not wasters., DH and I met at the RG University we were both working in, DH PhD is from Cambridge whilst I only managed the heady heights of The University of Birmingham, which he does tease me about.

DS is also interested in politics and as I have met many politicians through work that’s a common interest. We are all interested in military history. So a tour across France following DH paternal Grandfathers D day diary was interesting to all.

I love cooking and taught DS to cook from age 12, I’m Chinese but can cook English and Indian food as well, thanks to university flat mates. His GF loves the fact he is a good cook.

We are very lucky we have common interests.

NinaProudman2022 · 31/12/2021 11:04

Like you op I have also found the teenage years much harder than the toddler/baby/young children years and I had two (a DS and a DD) extremely close together as well. When they were little I found if I was organised and had ideas and back up plans I was in charge and we had mainly good days with lots of fun and enjoyment.

Whereas, I am less keen on late starts (with teens lying in bed), unproductive time (which seems to go with the territory), grumpiness, irrationality and arguments. Although an occasional night out is nice and them sometimes surprise us.

I have a DS just turned 18 who has been a breeze compared to DD almost 17. Raising teens hasn’t been helped due my being in menopause (with my being an older mum and teen freedoms and experiences greatly reduced and impacted due to the pandemic). They both hated home learning during lockdown and missed seeing and spending time with their friends.

With DS we turned a corner a good while ago and he is lovely. Whereas, DD’s bedroom is still a complete tip, she is very secretive, she doesn’t work hard with her schoolwork and her behaviour is mostly still very trying and testing. Most days she treats me with absolute hatred and contempt and other days occasionally she actually wants to spend some time with me. I have learned to try not to take it too personally but her hormones are all over the place and I think she maybe confused about her sexuality and she refuses to talk to me or see a GP or a counsellor etc.

How old are yours OP?

Original poster
Newpuppymummy · 31/12/2021 11:50

Mine are 16 and 18. Thanks your the replies. Some good ideas and it’s good to know it’s not just me who feels this way.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 31/12/2021 11:54

Oh god, I feel exactly the same!

It's currently school holidays and I'm counting down the days till they go back to school. I have no idea what to do with them or how to keep them occupied. I miss the days when I could take them to the park and they'd be happy! Oh and they stay up so bloody late so I can't go to bed early.

Thatsplentyjack · 31/12/2021 12:02

Mune has only just turned 13 but has been acting like a teen since he was about 10. I think it helps to think back to being a teen yourself and remember all the things you hated about being a teen and all the things that were important to you and annoyed you.
Is it because you want them to spend more time with you?

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