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Original poster

I’m not good at being the parent of teenagers

49 replies

Newpuppymummy · 31/12/2021 09:35

I loved being a parent when my kids were little. I loved spending time with me, doing activities with them. I felt I was a good parent.

Fast forward to the teen years and I just don’t enjoy it. We have the occasional nice time together but most of the time I feel it’s forced. They aren’t having fun and I’m not. It’s just not how I expected/hope it would be. It feels hard work with them all the time. Maybe I’m expecting too much? Does anyone else feel this way?

Does anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:

CrimbleCrumble1 · 31/12/2021 12:52

I have my teens as much space as they needed and let them know I was there for them. I think this worked well. I did find once they were in their 20’s they ‘come back’ and want to do family things especially if they are free.

AnInspectorBores · 31/12/2021 13:21

@Newpuppymummy there is a teenagers board on here which is what first led me to Mumsnet many years ago. I think I typed something like "teenagers parenting advice" into Google in desperation one day and I've never left

When my DD was a teenager, she was the devil in a frock. She is in her early twenties now and an absolute delight. I've even passed my copy of Get Out of My Life, But First Take Me And Alex Into Town to a work colleague. Hang in there; it's a rough time.

Lollipop999 · 31/12/2021 13:40

“Two things open house for friends and shared interests. “

We are ok with the shared interests but how do you deal with open house? (Unless you have a massive house with lots of different entertaining space).

I used to like having their friends over when they were smaller for 2-3 hour bursts when I was in control, but struggle with the unpredictability of open house. It doesn’t help that our house always seems to be a mess (because of the teens) despite me always tidying up, and that we have a younger dc who is overexcited when friends come over. Teens seem to take up so much space so then I get ousted out of the sitting room when their friends are over and have to stand around in the kitchen or go upstairs.

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Lollipop999 · 31/12/2021 13:44

@Newpuppymummy

Mine are 16 and 18. Thanks your the replies. Some good ideas and it’s good to know it’s not just me who feels this way.

Mine are a similar age (plus an 8 year old) and I find it hard too.

For me it’s the waiting around for them to get ready for things which is soul destroying. Can’t just pop out without them taking an hour to get ready and they’re never up in time when given notice, even if it’s something they want to do.

I used to like being up and out early to beat the crowds so now spend a lot of time standing in the hall calling up the stairs. I suppose I should be grateful they still want todo things with me!

Shinychestnuts · 31/12/2021 13:46

That's good to know AnInspectorBores!

And that is excellent advice from Yuledo about walking away from arguments

Like you op, I absolutely loved the infant years: the imaginary play, the messy crafts, the story telling, the predictable routines, the easily solved problems! I was good at it!

I am not a good parent of a teen because I get too anxious I think. I try not to be controlling because I have seen the damage done in families where mothers or fathers are too dominant and see DC as extensions of themselves. I firmly believe that you need to set up a child for an independent life and let them get on with it (hoping of course that they will come back and visit from time to time ) But I tend to think too many steps ahead to potential problems: driving at night with friends in car, walking home alone through a strange area, not planning revision properly leading to massive exam stress, not eating properly , drinking or worse etc etc etc. So I find it all very anxiety provoking although I try not to show it.

And to be frank, I dislike the selfishness, the constant arguing for argument's sake sometimes, and the unpredictability of it all. And what is most frustrating of all - is their default position that you are telling them something in order to criticise them - when in actual fact you are telling them out of love and concern. Arrrghhhh!!!!!

coochyboochy · 31/12/2021 13:47

I know what you mean. I used to be so close to DS and envisaged us having a really close open relationship when he was a teen, where he could talk to me about anything and everything. The reality is that he's a complete closed book and most of our conversations are awkward and stilted. I always knew I wouldn't be his number one any more, I want him to be a confident independent young man but he just seems like a stranger who I always say the wrong thing to. He's 15 and every year just seems to drift further and further away 😢

GaiusHelenMohiam · 31/12/2021 13:48

Mine are pretty vile at the moment.

DS is gone from Uni and working in a pub while refusing to do LFTs (we have Covid) because he needs the money. He’s eaten whole packs of naice food we bought for Xmas (2 whole packs of posh salami, an entire tub of Heroes…) and has basically regressed to a horrible teenager.

DD mostly lives at her boyfriends, she came home Xmas day and spent the whole day telling me how badly I compare to his mum. Then she left taking my brand new jewellery with her.

I miss them being little.

GaiusHelenMohiam · 31/12/2021 13:49

…home from Uni not gone

felulageller · 31/12/2021 13:53

I hated the dependency of the early years so I prefer teen years.

I don't see much of them and there is rudeness at times. But we can at least do fun stuff together eg cinema, bowling, long walks (they aren't so keen on this!), Going to cafes, shopping, swimming, day trips, holidays etc.

I can have a life without needing a babysitter to leave the house.

They interact with their friends online rather than meeting up outside school so I don't even know what they look like!

With food I'd rather we ate together more often bit at least there's no battle. They get offered food. If they don't want it the kitchens full of things they can make themselves.

I don't expect an awful lot from them. They are teens so will be moody etc. I don't police their rooms. If they want dishes/ clothes washed they need to put them in the appropriate places.

They dont get pocket money as they don't want to do the chores for it.

Teens wouldn't be teens if they were prefect and it wouldn't be normal if they wanted to spend a lot of time with their parents.

Lollipop999 · 31/12/2021 14:10

@GaiusHelenMohiam

Mine are pretty vile at the moment.

DD mostly lives at her boyfriends, she came home Xmas day and spent the whole day telling me how badly I compare to his mum. Then she left taking my brand new jewellery with her.

I miss them being little.

My dd comes back from her friend’s house and criticises me too and our house which she says is not furnished as nicely and as stylish and cosy as her friend’s house is.

I try and take it with a pinch of salt as I remember feeling the same at their age.

As for the borrowing, ours do the same. Anything nice I get myself they borrow without asking which is frustrating when I can’t find it, or it comes back dirty or damaged. It’s the same with makeup. Despite them having their own they borrow mine and leave it all over the house...

coochyboochy · 31/12/2021 14:16

@felulageller I've found the opposite with DS- we used to loads of fun stuff together and now he won't be seen dead with me most of the time.

tenredthings · 31/12/2021 17:35

I find it hard too. I feel Guilt that they spend too long on their phones, they keep the hours of a vampire, they are only interested in eating crap and do family things under duress.

Moonface123 · 31/12/2021 17:46

Its just a different stage, thats all.
Mine both have their own interests, eldest has girlfriend, so mostly just me and youngest who is 16.
l think its really important to develop your own life and interests, to be honest l am loving the extra time l get to myself, as single parent of almost 9 years.
My youngest still comes out for a walk with me regulary, he also works weekends at same place as l do, he is chatty and good company but we do both enjoy doing our own thing, and thats exactly how l was to be honest when l was his age.

NinaProudman2022 · 31/12/2021 17:59

I posted earlier about our teen years being much harder than younger years. DS 18 did some revision this morning and this afternoon then he has just gone off to his first NYE small gathering 5 of them tonight so not really a party and they have all LFT’d beforehand. He told me he loved me before he left, said not to worry he would enjoy himself but he would be sensible but would miss me and he said he loved me (totally unprompted) but equally lovely had the most lovely afternoon in the Lakes with DD almost 17’s company she was very chatty and agreeable which definitely isn’t always the case.

MeredithMae · 31/12/2021 18:57

Oh I feel this. Mine's only 11, but he's my only child and I miss him he literally doesn't want to do anything with me. All he wants to do is sit in his room on electronics, the only time I can tempt him out is if I say we can go out for dinner (to a place he chooses of course) or out shopping (where I overcompensate and buy him things I can't afford to make him happy).

coochyboochy · 31/12/2021 21:04

@Moonface123 I do have my own life an interests. I WOH 50 hours a week, have a partner, younger child, friends, hobbies etc... but I still miss my little boy.

Ladywinesalot · 31/12/2021 21:27

OP I’ve been feeling something similar these xmas hols.

I was really looking forward to spending time with them but instead all I’ve wanted to do is get away from them.

I don’t know why but they really irritate me and I feel awful for it!!
They haven’t don’t anything wrong and I just want to be on my own

Whyisitsodifficult · 31/12/2021 21:44

@Ladywinesalot

OP I’ve been feeling something similar these xmas hols.

I was really looking forward to spending time with them but instead all I’ve wanted to do is get away from them.

I don’t know why but they really irritate me and I feel awful for it!!
They haven’t don’t anything wrong and I just want to be on my own

Yes I feel the same! I wonder if peri menopause is to blame I’m just over parenting! They’re noisy and messy and I’m tired of cleaning and cooking and shopping for them. It’s never appreciated.

merrygoround51 · 31/12/2021 21:48

I also find the teen years more difficult, I enjoy spending time together as a family and my DC seem to want to spend most of their time on their phones or talking to friends. Mealtimes are sacrosanct and I do get them out for a coffee and try with board /card games but that seems to be gone which I am sad about but life changes doesn’t it and we need to change with it

Original poster

Newpuppymummy · 01/01/2022 09:10

I didn’t know there was a parents of teenagers board. I’ll investigate.

OP posts:

Tumbleweed101 · 01/01/2022 09:23

I find teens more needy in some ways - needing lifts, needing exam support, right clothes etc to fit in with their peers. However in many ways they are easier, especially as I’m a single mum. I can go to work and not worry about them getting home before me for example and I can go out and see friends without them needing to come along too.

I enjoy them when they become young adults after they finish college and start their own lives much more. I can talk to my eldest two as adults now and they are becoming friends in a way they couldn’t when they were still teens. They do gain their own lives but they also seem to come back to you in a new way which makes the work of raising them worthwhile.

helpfulperson · 01/01/2022 11:33

To be honest at 16 and 18 they have there own lives you aren't part of and that's hard.

Comedycook · 01/01/2022 11:41

I reckon it's much harder to be a parent of teens nowadays compared to the past. Just think, decades ago, lots of people left school at 15/16...started work straight away, moved out and were married before they were 20. Even before that, they were probably out of the house most of the day. Nowadays, they spend much more time in the house due to technology, they don't finish school until 18 and most live at home until well into their twenties. Ds is nearly 14...if it was the old days, I wouldn't have many parenting years left....however, I actually have a good decade of him still at home. My own dh left home at 17!

beautifullymad · 01/01/2022 11:52

It's mentally, emotionally and financially challenging raising teenagers. I have 4.

My friend who's an older and wiser, mum of 4, always said the hardest part of raising children was the teenage years.

You expect them to be functioning well but in reality they will struggle with the complexities of relationships and education and we will struggle with their black and white views of the world.

You are needed between 10pm and midnight for random chats to help them sort out the issues they have spent all day thinking about. When normally you'd be in bed zzzzzz.

Taxi service 101.

Eating everything in the fridge regardless of meal structure.

Needing extra £££ to spend on friends.....

Sleeping until 2pm

Living their best lives at full speed.

Both me and my husband said only last night that this must be natures way for helping us release them as adults. I over nurture, but I'm truly ready for them to move out and be visited.

Also menopause and teenage hormones isn't the best combo!

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