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Original poster

How do I deal with boyfriends needy family?

35 replies

Fannyproblemos · 28/12/2021 21:00

My boyfriend and I have met in our early 40s and we’re blissfully happy. :)

Only problem is... I’ve always been laid back and independent with a vibrant social life and good relationships with my family, without living in each other’s pockets.
His family on the other hand are incredible close knit which is sweet. But... maybe due to an absent father, his mother and 3 sisters are verrrry needy. And have now started emotionally black mailing him and upsetting him if he fails to visit them every other weekend as demanded by them. We live an hours drive away and work hard, so this is 50% of our free time.
I think it’s because they don’t have a social life themselves, and are VERY family orientated.
I like them and want to foster good relations. But also don’t want to completely change my lifestyle. It feels like every time I see them they’re not satisfied and demanding to book the next date in.

I feel blessed to have met each other and think we both deserve freedom to enjoy each other and spend our weekends largely how we like. How do I stop these needy family members? As one sister has been crying, screaming, demanding for more love and attention for him? Bit crazy considering he is lovely and caring.

Anyone else had a similar thing? If so, how did you deal with it? HELP. It’s in danger of ruining our happiness, and he deserves to be happy 😊

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 28/12/2021 21:08

I have never experienced this thankfully but if I did I would say no.

Saying no would answer half the problems on this site.

If your boyfriends agrees that you two deserve to spend your free time as you wish and can agree on how often you want to visit his family then just tell them.

"Mum, sisters, I work full time and need time to do my own thing. From now on I am going to visit you one Saturday a month."

then turn off your phones and stick to it. If I were you I would let him go alone for about a year til things calm down or forever

Pollingbadly · 28/12/2021 21:13

This is potentially a much bigger problem than I think you realise.

If he's complicit in the boundaryless dynamic, the family are not really the problem.

Set your parameters and see what he does. I think he'll be very uncomfortable, paint you as the wicked witch to his family (or not object when they do) and then he'll have a situation where he's half heartedly stuck in the middle. I doubt he'll stand up to them if they've always had what they wanted from him and he's given it to until now.

Hold this very lightly.

XmasCrap · 28/12/2021 21:13

Do not marry him unless you get him inside and he agrees too much contact with his family is unnecessary.

Is he a Mummy's Boy?

XmasCrap · 28/12/2021 21:14

*onside

Paq · 28/12/2021 21:14

How long have you been together?

LaTomatina · 28/12/2021 21:14

What does your boyfriend think about it? If he's happy with living like that there's not much you can do about it without becoming the needy one yourself. If he's not happy with it, they're his family, he's the one who needs to figure out what he wants to do...

You have my sympathy though, it does sound a bit suffocating!

Original poster
Fannyproblemos · 30/12/2021 02:07

@chamomileteaplease you are quite right, maybe it is just a case of telling them how it is. I am keen for them to like me. So have perhaps I’ve been a bit too soft. Setting some boundaries now will help in the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fannyproblemos · 30/12/2021 02:11

Not a mummy’s boy in the pathetic sense, but he would do almost anything for her 😬. Which is sweet but I can see will get annoying if he’s trying to keep her happy and making me unhappy in the process

OP posts:
Original poster
Fannyproblemos · 30/12/2021 02:17

We’ve only been together 1.5 years, but we’re pretty serious. Talking about marriage, kids etc.

So on one hand maybe I should let them do their thing for now. I suppose I just don’t want to set a precedent of this is how it’s going to be.

He’s been single for a good few years before meeting me. And very ‘there’ for them. So I think the transition is hard to take. But would you be happy your adult brother managed to find love rather than was lonely and visiting all the time. Hmm

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 30/12/2021 02:25

Do the sisters live with their mum Op How old are they all?

Original poster
Fannyproblemos · 30/12/2021 02:40

No, they live separately, and they’re mid thirties and early 40s.

He’s provided a lot of emotional and financial support over the years. So they want that to continue. But we feel like it’s his time to enjoy life now, and they should be supportive of that.

They are all various degrees of depressed and lonely. Which is sad, but they lean too heavily on him. I just wish they’d make a their own lives and allow my BF to lead his own.

I’ll be firm but fair and push back a little I think. Otherwise I’m going to end up with them living at my house Confused

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 30/12/2021 02:57

@Fannyproblemos

No, they live separately, and they’re mid thirties and early 40s.

He’s provided a lot of emotional and financial support over the years. So they want that to continue. But we feel like it’s his time to enjoy life now, and they should be supportive of that.

They are all various degrees of depressed and lonely. Which is sad, but they lean too heavily on him. I just wish they’d make a their own lives and allow my BF to lead his own.

I’ll be firm but fair and push back a little I think. Otherwise I’m going to end up with them living at my house Confused

That's a problem when they have come to expect and rely upon him financially. If this stops they will blame you. I think you are in this for the long haul and can't see an end to it. Are his family from another culture?
Fere · 30/12/2021 03:03

If he goes to see them once s fortnight for a day how does that eat up 50% of his time?
Also - you are saying But we feel like it’s his time to enjoy life now, and they should be supportive of that
Do you mean we or I

It sounds like you have problem with him one day every 2 weeks spent with his family, not him...

groovergirl · 30/12/2021 03:30

They do sound freakishly needy, but that is for your DP to deal with, not you. If he wants to visit them once a fortnight, let him. Use that time to do your own thing and see your own friends and family.

If he plans to keep emotionally and financially supporting them after you marry, now is the time to either wrap things up or tell him you will keep him just as a boyfriend.

I have personal experience of enmeshed ILs, now XILs. They even tried to stop me from visiting my own DM.

Draw the line to suit yourself, and do it now. This is your DP's problem, not yours.

Paq · 30/12/2021 04:25

Don't get married or have children until you get this sorted. Ultimately he has to sort it out though. All you can do is decide your boundaries.

Kanaloa · 30/12/2021 04:35

If he doesn’t want to sort it then you need to live with it. And if he hasn’t bothered sorting it until his 40s it really doesn’t sound like he’s bothered. So it seems like you need to just live with it. Or spend every other weekend separately doing your own thing.

Overall I really don’t think it’s your place to be ‘firm but fair’ and ‘push back.’

AgentDavid · 30/12/2021 05:15

Ergh. I hate the "so when will we see you next" every visit. And the "oh no it's over, it wasn't long enough". Makes me dread going as the visit itself doesn't seem to be enjoyed.

If we could pop in for 30 mins or an hour or two, I reckon we would see them more often. It's the trying to elongate every visit to the maximum length possible and it drags on for me. I like short and sweet.

Cocogreen · 30/12/2021 05:31

For such a close family, once a fortnight doesn't seem that bad to me?
Can you make it a shorter visit or all meet in the middle?
But I would also occasionally book weekends away or plan activities on the "family" weekend if that date suits you better and make it a three week break from time to time.
I think it's a matter of getting them to be more flexible and not so dependent on him. They'll still see him.

Notonthestairs · 30/12/2021 05:55

If there is to be a change to the family dynamic it should be something he tackles directly.

It's not for you to decide or direct ground rules.

It reads as if you attend with him every time. If so why? You're independent etc - use that time for yourself.

Sorry, I think you'll end up either accommodating their needs or there will be some significant family resistance which will put your relationship under a great deal of stress.

handbagsgladrags · 30/12/2021 06:32

Does he agree with you that he sees his family too often and would prefer that time spent together doing other things?

XmasCrap · 30/12/2021 06:41

As someone married to a person enmeshed with their family, I would advise you get this sorted before marriage/kids, etc.

The problem is, things become set in stone and the family can't/won't adapt. This will make your life very, very miserable.

crankysaurus · 30/12/2021 06:42

How does he want to deal with his needy family?

676gg · 30/12/2021 06:49

So if we out this in reverse - how many women see thir sisters and mums every other week? Is it seen as weird and wrong or just sweet. In fact, if we did a straw poll, I think it would come out as pretty normal behavior. If its too much for you, why can't your DH see them during the week for an evening?

handbagsgladrags · 30/12/2021 06:51

Once a fortnight doesn't sound too suffocating although given the distance I guess you're looking at half the day gone at least for a visit. Especially if you are able to stretch some of the visits to once every few weeks.

The responses on here make me wonder how often pp see and meet with their own families and in laws.

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/12/2021 07:09

@Pollingbadly

This is potentially a much bigger problem than I think you realise.

If he's complicit in the boundaryless dynamic, the family are not really the problem.

Set your parameters and see what he does. I think he'll be very uncomfortable, paint you as the wicked witch to his family (or not object when they do) and then he'll have a situation where he's half heartedly stuck in the middle. I doubt he'll stand up to them if they've always had what they wanted from him and he's given it to until now.

Hold this very lightly.

Yep yep yep.

My DHs family is enmeshed. I refused to marry /delayed until I saw evidence of boundary setting and push back from him.
In fairness he has but its a major work in progress and there have been fireworks on the way!!!!

It's still the primary source of tension in our otherwise pretty fantastic marriage.

Ultimately only your DP can make the change but if/when he does you can bet your money his family will not like it and will not go along quietly. It will be tough for you and him.