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Original poster

Was I TOO 'boundaried' with this chap

33 replies

58bpm · 28/12/2021 05:26

Well I've done it now but friend thinks I was over hasty.

Been chatting to a guy I met through Twitter. Seemed great...intelligent, great humour, great conversation.

After 2 to 3 hours of intense texting over two days he refused for the second time to tell me his name. His photo isn't on his profile picture.

I can't think of a good reason for that and it feels off, so rather than continue chatting to someone being mysterious, or getting into an argument, I blocked him.

It's very rare for me to connect with someone like this and he seemed keen on me (he has seen photos of me).

Was I too quick / firm in my boundaries?

OP posts:
Imayhaveerred · 28/12/2021 05:27

Always trust your gut.

MintJulia · 28/12/2021 05:30

No, someone playing stupid pointless games that early on is not appealing.

Original poster
58bpm · 28/12/2021 05:33

Thank you. Excellent point. In every other way he was very respectful, but unless your first name is incredibly unusual, it's not even giving anything anyway. And after that amount of chatting I didn't like the idea that he was hiding something. I felt I couldn't continue without showing I had no standards/expectations of proper behaviour. I'm done with that.

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 28/12/2021 05:39

Nothing wrong with what you did. It’s a fairly innocuous question- if he’s playing daft buggers with something as simple as his name I can’t blame you for not wanting to get involved.

onedayoranother · 28/12/2021 06:06

Why would he not give you his name? First thought is he's married and is just enjoying the thrill of this illicit behaviour.

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 28/12/2021 06:07

What you did was very sensible, OP. Best case, he's massively insecure/a game player, worst case there's something sinister going on or it's a fake profile. Neither option sound great!

Original poster
58bpm · 28/12/2021 06:12

Thanks. I really was doubting myself as my friend thinks this was a massive overreaction, but then my friend has no boundaries with men and gets treated terribly, so I guess we would disagree.

He also said he was heavily vetted as part of his job, but that he wasn't in the police.

Whilst there is a remote possibility that I've just binned off James Bond, it's much more likely that he is a scoundrel! Well at least I squeezed in a few hours of romance in 2021.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 28/12/2021 06:19

Sounds married to me

Or strange

Neither of which I assume you are interested in??!!

Alayalaya · 28/12/2021 06:24

That is very odd and rude. The first thing you do when meeting someone is exchange names. He obviously didn’t see it as a real life connection. Did he even live locally?

GoIntoTheLight · 28/12/2021 06:33

Your friend is wrong and you are the switched on one. Good instincts.

Original poster
58bpm · 28/12/2021 06:37

Good point @alayalaya

He lived quite some distance away.

He was probably just bored and messing around.

Obviously I cannot claim to be heartbroken over this but it just seems men are increasingly vexatious. I even said to him the second time I asked, "a gentleman would tell me his name."

He laughed it off. That's when I blocked him.

But in all other respects very polite, respectful and intelligent and cultured...

OP posts:
Paq · 28/12/2021 06:47

Married or a weirdo. Don't give it a second thought. I bet he has multiple women on the go.

LeroyJenkinssss · 28/12/2021 06:56

I must admit The “I’m vetted” would have me cringing so hard. I would hope our spies have at least the wit to have a fake name ready! You did the right thing - it’s ridiculously childish

tara66 · 28/12/2021 06:58

Mind games - who needs them?

Moolia · 28/12/2021 07:06

It would also concern me that he wanted you to think he is heavily vetted so that you would drop your boundaries and trust him. Seems an odd thing to drop into conversation and I would find it suspicious.

NynaeveSedai · 28/12/2021 07:12

Did you see a picture of him?
It's never good to spend time investing in someone if you don't know that you fancy them...

Veeveeoxox · 28/12/2021 07:14

He's married hence the sneaky behaviour you did the right thing. Keep up with the boundaries

KatherineJaneway · 28/12/2021 07:17

Married. If you'd had his name you would have been able to see that on sm I bet.

Original poster
58bpm · 28/12/2021 07:19

@Moolia

It would also concern me that he wanted you to think he is heavily vetted so that you would drop your boundaries and trust him. Seems an odd thing to drop into conversation and I would find it suspicious.
This was because I thought he was the brother of someone I've known on Twitter for a while. He said that was incorrect and they've never met.

I then said, oh dear so you're not vetted.

To which he said that through work he was heavily vetted.

So he wasn't really pushing that line.

To whoever said you shouldn't talk to someone without knowing you fancy them, I just completely disagree. Education and intelligence are much more important to me nor would I ever be attracted to anyone without many hours of conversation. It was more that the lack of photo contributed to his anonymous air and whilst happy to chat for a bit about ideas, childhoods, films, travel etc it reached the point where I wanted to know who this person was in more concrete terms. Especially as I was bonding with him and didn't want that to continue without being clear on some basic facts!

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 28/12/2021 07:21

Really??
So there is literally no physical presentation that could make you not fancy someone you've spent hours getting to know? If you like someone's personality you are guaranteed to like their appearance too? You're very unusual!

CheddarGorgeous · 28/12/2021 07:23

Were you chatting to them I.e. talking or exchanging messages OP?

Original poster
58bpm · 28/12/2021 07:35

Just messages.

It's fine for him to have boundaries but in the context of all we'd discussed refusing to give his name or any concrete details was an indication this was just a timewaster.

OP posts:
Original poster
58bpm · 28/12/2021 07:38

@NynaeveSedai i think for me that would just be further down the line. This was just some text conversations over a few hours so things would be higher on my priority list than what he looked like, ie the screening process is very stringent on outlook, attitude and values, but much less stringent on physical appearance Smile

OP posts:
NynaeveSedai · 28/12/2021 07:39

Ok if that works for you...
I just can't imagine why anyone would want to spend time getting to know someone then see a picture and know 100% they could never fancy them. But if that's not how you work that's cool, though it is unusual!

CheddarGorgeous · 28/12/2021 07:46

Trust me, you cannot tell anything about anyone just through messages. Men can write any old shit they think women will like. You are massively projecting.