Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

If you are not a natural host and/or introverted, how do you cope with visitors?

32 replies

Claymorekick · 27/12/2021 22:09

I am both very introverted and not a natural host so find having visitors really stressful - I stress about what to feed people, what to talk about for hours and can manage about 3 hours before I want them to leave and I can retreat back to my own world Blush

In contrast, my sister always has an open and welcoming house, entertaining comes very naturally to her, will have people over all the time for days on end and it blows my mind Confused this also means she does the bulk of entertaining when our parents/other family (me and my sister live 15 mins apart whereas our parents/other siblings live at least 90 mins away) come over which makes me feel guilty Sad

Clearly I cannot change my personality but any tips to make it easier/more enjoyable?

OP posts:
Rainydonkey · 27/12/2021 22:13

I let DH deal with it, and disengage from the whole thing. I'd recommend it.

FindingMeno · 27/12/2021 22:17

I think you can't change your personality type and it's an endurance test.
I recommend a quiet day afterwards where you can sleep a lot because entertaining is exhausting for an introvert.

Original poster
Claymorekick · 27/12/2021 22:19

@Rainydonkey

I let DH deal with it, and disengage from the whole thing. I'd recommend it.
Unfortunately DH is as introverted as me Confused
OP posts:
Original poster
Claymorekick · 27/12/2021 22:22

@FindingMeno

I think you can't change your personality type and it's an endurance test. I recommend a quiet day afterwards where you can sleep a lot because entertaining is exhausting for an introvert.
Absolutely - it really does exhaust me! I remember once going away for a weekend with 3 other families and I literally fell asleep on the sofa on the Saturday night as I just could not cope with the constant interaction any more Blush everyone thought it was hilarious but none of them knew why as I hide my introversion quite well (if I am with people in small doses Grin)
OP posts:
ponypinkie · 27/12/2021 22:30

I plan it all to the tiniest detail and I take notes of what works at nice parties / dinners at friends to replicate. But all that said I don't have any issues with talking - I'm introverted but I like big talk (not small talk so much).

Incacat2 · 27/12/2021 22:31

I am the same. We very rarely have visitors because I hate people in my house. I have a big immediate family and that's all I want and need. My sister in law phoned my DH today and I was listening intently from another room because I knew that she was going to invite herself and her family to stay. I will psyche myself up for the 2 day visit. I make myself feel better by telling myself that the sooner they get here, the sooner it will be over. It's worse because they are all big drinkers. I used to get away with going upstairs to settle the kids etc. Now I tend to busy myself with the food/ clearing up and then say I'm tired and go to bed. There is nothing wrong with being an introvert.

TheLovelinessOfBaublyDemons · 27/12/2021 22:33

DH does all that, although it's mostly DM who comes over.

PlanetNormal · 27/12/2021 22:35

Very easily.

I don’t invite people, and if people try to invite themselves they get a firm, blunt refusal. You only ever have to do it once if you do it properly.

Problem solved.

Original poster
Claymorekick · 27/12/2021 22:53

@PlanetNormal

Very easily.

I don’t invite people, and if people try to invite themselves they get a firm, blunt refusal. You only ever have to do it once if you do it properly.

Problem solved.

I would love to do this but couldn't do it to my parents nor MIL.

@ponypinkie so what tips have you found?

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 27/12/2021 22:58

I’m the same. I can cope with guests in small doses. I let others do small talk as much as possible. Afterwards I’m exhausted and need time to recover.
No need to feel guilty about letting your sister do most of the entertaining. She likes it so there’s no problem.
I agree with @PlanetNormal - I would never let people “invite themselves “. I see this on MN a lot - DM has invited herself, DSis invites herself every year, MIL has announced she’s coming to stay, parents have decide they’re staying for 2 weeks etc. I don’t understand how they can decide unilaterally to come and stay in someone else’s home, or why the reluctant hosts just let them, often when they have good reasons not to. Why be such a doormat?!

FictionalCharacter · 27/12/2021 23:03

I would love to do this but couldn't do it to my parents nor MIL

Why though? It’s massively rude of them to impose on people by inviting yourself to their home. You don’t have to be very blunt, or make excuses, just say a polite but firm No.
Different if you actually invite them.

lollipoprainbow · 27/12/2021 23:07

Just hosted a buffet at mine, the best bit for me was when the house and food looked all lovely before the guests arrived, once they did I wanted them to go home again !!!

Bagelsandbrie · 27/12/2021 23:07

Hmm well I’m mid 40s now and I won’t invite people over or go and see anyone unless I really want to. I just say no and mean it. Spent far too long trying to please other people.

XenoBitch · 27/12/2021 23:12

Very small numbers, and everything planned to a T. What we are eating, drinking, watching and doing.... and the exact time they are leaving!

ponypinkie · 27/12/2021 23:20

@Claymorekick lots of things - music choices, what wines and drinks to serve in what order, lighting, timings. What food works. I'm a real magpie for good ideas. It's helps build my confidence to have seen things in action!

Original poster
Claymorekick · 27/12/2021 23:23

@XenoBitch I think I would cope better if I always had a time that they were leaving Sad

I always struggled with sleepovers too but, again, allowed them for the DC. We are approaching the ages where we will have girl/boyfriends wanting to visit and stay over and, i won't lie, it fills me with a little dread Sad yet I read stuff on here/see on FB etc where people are so welcoming and I want to be like that when the time comes.

OP posts:
Noshowlomo · 27/12/2021 23:24

I tend to just cancel… covid been a godsend for this!
Sounds awful but I make plans, think actually it will be nice and then it comes to the event and I’m already thinking of how I can get people to leave about 2 hours after they arrive. Plus my one friend who I love to bits, she will stay and stay. Her kids are yawning and she doesn’t get the hint.
Bugger off!
But yea, cancel! Or just don’t make the plans

Original poster
Claymorekick · 27/12/2021 23:25

@lollipoprainbow

Just hosted a buffet at mine, the best bit for me was when the house and food looked all lovely before the guests arrived, once they did I wanted them to go home again !!!
Exactly this Confused
OP posts:
MaggieCassidy · 27/12/2021 23:26

Following for tips as this is me and to my extroverted friends I seem very rude when I don’t mean to be. I’ve successfully kept closed doors for years with young DC but the excuse has worn thin.

I hate it so much in the run up and it takes me ages to warm up when they arrive, then I spend the last hour willing them to leave of their own accord. But I always enjoy a small part in the middle and I wish to heaven it was less stressful for me.

I also have a pathological fear of cooking for people (I’m pretty crap at it and constantly feel I’m going to poison them and their children) but others are so good at putting on a spread. Sad

Original poster
Claymorekick · 27/12/2021 23:27

@Noshowlomo this is exactly me - say yes to invites etc as i think they sound fun but as the event gets nearer, I don't want to do it and often cancel/make excuses. I need to learn to just say no from the outset!

OP posts:
hivemindneeded · 27/12/2021 23:29

Choose to host events that only last three hours if that is your top length of time for coping.

If you want to host around Christmas, suggest hosting around an event eg invite people over after a carol concert. Keep food simple, e.g. cheese platter with crackers, fruit, mince pies and mulled wine.

Or meet up for a Christmas film matinee and then invite people over afterwards for food you prepped earlier, like a chilli or curry.

Take the pressure off yourself with hosting. If your family are the kind where you offer mulled wine and they reply 'Do you have a G&T/beer/diet coke?' just lay out a drinks table with a selection of drinks and glasses and say: everyone help yourselves to drinks while I sort out the food.

icedcoffees · 27/12/2021 23:31

I don't invite them.

We meet at a neutral location or at their house so we can excuse ourselves and leave whenever we feel like it.

We also have a dog with separation anxiety who can't be left alone for long so he's an excellent excuse Grin

hivemindneeded · 27/12/2021 23:32

People who don't like cooking - you don't have to. Don't do it. Just buy stuff. We hosted a party before Christmas. I bought the starters and the pudding and just made a curry in advance. Got loads of compliments on the food but most of it was ready made.

morefrizzthanease · 27/12/2021 23:35

Oh god just had an awful Xmas because we went to my brothers for Xmas fat which was nice but he wanted us to come fir the best day where he'd invited multiple people who I just could not not face. I cannot even begin to say why.
My dh is furious as says I'm making a huge deal out of not going my dh is also furious but I cannot even articulate why I could not go but I couldn't

Dinkydonky · 27/12/2021 23:39

There’s a difference between being introverted and antisocial.

I’m introverted but I really like hosting, I just need some time to recharge afterwards. I find it less tiring hosting than visiting other people because I don’t have to worry about whether I’m doing the right thing all the time and it’s much easier to disappear for a bit if I need a break - either I can find a job to do or just go lie on my bed for a bit. Harder in other peoples houses