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Original poster

How do I accept that I have no friends?

38 replies

Loppers · 27/12/2021 17:11

Since leaving high school my friendship group has dwindled from a large group, to a group of 4, to 3, to 1 and now I think, to 0.

This time of year when I see people posting on Facebook, meeting up with friends and having a good time has just highlighted how alone I feel. I haven't seen my 1 remaining friend in ages, never hear from them first and think I need to accept it must be me.

I can be quite shy with people I don't know and I'm never the life and soul of the party so I find it hard to develop friendships with new people, I have people I talk to in passing but nothing that I'd classify as a true friendship. I miss having a close group of friends I can have group chats with, do secret santa, meet up for drinks and a meal. The only people I have are DP, his family and my family.

Is anyone else the same? Do you just learn to accept that's the way it is or can you change and find your "people"?

Sorry I'm just feeling very sad after a recent big birthday that I had very few people to celebrate with and wanted to talk to someone other than DP who doesn't know what to say.

OP posts:
Fritilleries · 27/12/2021 17:12

I hear you. Not sure what the solution is.

Theunamedcat · 27/12/2021 17:12

I'm a single parent with no friends got to admit it's fucking lonely

turnaroundtime · 27/12/2021 17:12

What happened to your school friends?

Helocariad · 27/12/2021 17:17

Didn't want to read and run, OP. That sounds lonely. Are there other people you could get in touch with and get past that initial acquaintance stage? Through work or hobbies?

GregTheEgg · 27/12/2021 17:22

I know how you feel. I’m not close to anyone really, except me recent ex who was my world. Without him it’s just me and the DCs every day. So very lonely. And I work at home by myself too, so no real interaction there. Currently job hunting with a view to which job will be the most sociable rather than something I want to do. It’s so hard to meet people these days. I’m thinking I’ll try and join some groups and clubs etc too, book club, gym etc just to try and meet some people.

Original poster
Loppers · 27/12/2021 17:24

@turnaroundtime

What happened to your school friends?
We just drifted apart I suppose. I had many friends at school but not necessarily close friends, I had a group of 4 close friends who I stayed in touch with after leaving school but over the years we have drifted apart for various reason (moving to a different city, personality clash (lonnng story!!) one just never replied to my messages and in the end ghosted me)

Part of it is my fault, having young children, not a lot of money and being quite self conscious I never really made the effort to organise anything myself and just went along with other people's plans.

I don't know how to get close to new people now, I worry quite a lot when I speak to new people that I'll say something stupid. Even the new nursery mums who I have started speaking to at drop off and pick up seem to have formed a group and I'm the awkward outsider and I feel like I'm butting in when I stand next to them and try to join in their conversations.

OP posts:
pepperminttaste · 27/12/2021 17:25

I was actually discussing this today. My daughter was getting me to guess a name she was thinking of and her clue was 'One of your friends'. I couldn't think of anyone (who wasn't a joint friend with my OH, all initially his uni friends).

I don't have advice I'm afraid but you're not alone.

WakeUpLockie · 27/12/2021 17:28

We just drifted apart I suppose. I had many friends at school but not necessarily close friends, I had a group of 4 close friends who I stayed in touch with after leaving school but over the years we have drifted apart for various reason (moving to a different city, personality clash (lonnng story!!) one just never replied to my messages and in the end ghosted me)

This was me at school - a friend to everyone, which leaves you nobody’s number 1. I had a group of 4 solid friends, and then one changed in one way, and moved away. Another married a celeb and moved abroad and dropped me like a stone tbh. The other one I am going out for dinner with tonight but we absolutely do not call each other in a crisis, for example. I was friends with the popular crew, but not in the inner circle, I was friends with the drama crew, I was friends with the ‘outcasts’ (they would call themselves that). I won an award for it at the leavers ceremony 😄 but as I say, it means you’re no one’s number 1.

foreverlove · 27/12/2021 17:31

I hear you OP. It's lonely not having anyone to go for coffee, drinks or a meal with, not even a walk with.

Used to have quite a lot of friends but two relocations in 10 years and being shat upon by those I trusted put paid to that. Worst was the so called friend who stole from my house, denied it and still wanted to visit with her brood, she basically had a free B&B at my house.

Another so called friend texted me to say she "couldn't be bothered to wait for an invite to my new home" and that she "needs to make new friends".Sad

CrimbleCrumble1 · 27/12/2021 17:31

If you do ever see any nursery mums standing on their own then talk to them. You may click with them.

DartmoorChef · 27/12/2021 17:35

I am the same. I have mates.. people I chat with when I am out with DP but I don't have a best friend (other than DP) and never have had even at school.

I've always been a bit of a loner, lots of acquaintances but no very close mates. I'm an only child who grew up with just my parents (2 cousins but they lived hundreds of miles away so barely knew them) so I guess I'm used to my own company.

DaisyNGO · 27/12/2021 17:36

Very much in the same position post Covid.

I'm really sorry, OP, I know how much it sucks.

I am really hoping that leaving London will help. We will at least be closer to one set of parents which is good. Assuming we can move!!

mumofEandE · 27/12/2021 17:37

I am in the same position - not one friend!
I have encouraged my own DC not to be be like me as I do believe life can be easier if you do have friends.
Sometimes I am fine with it, sometimes not but it helps when I read people's AIBU friendship issues / dramas !
I also have a big birthday coming up and I would not be able to invite anybody!

DaisyNGO · 27/12/2021 17:37

foreverlove that second example, is she feeling neglected?

Original poster
Loppers · 27/12/2021 17:42

Honestly sometimes I fantasize about movong somewhere completely new so I'd have a chance of a "fresh start" so I could try and NOT be myself in the hope of making friends 😂

DP has loads of friends, regularly meets up with them etc and even when there are whole group meet ups with his friends and their partners I always feel like the really awkward one.

OP posts:
ironorchids · 27/12/2021 17:47

One way to meet new people is to join a class. Do you have any hobbies you'd like to pursue? Like arts or crafts, a language, something like that?

It would be much harder if you live rurally, but if you're in a city, there might be classes near you for beginner lessons in all kinds of hobbies, where you could potentially meet new people.

Is that an option?

hivemindneeded · 27/12/2021 17:48

OP, are you making the mistake of clinging on to old friendships that have passed their sell-by date? You need new friends for this new stage in your life. Lots of people have good but transient friendships. I look back on DC's preschool years when I had a big crowd - out for drinks and dinner, weekends away together, secret santa. I never see any of them now and don't mind at all. We were friends for that season of our lives.

Do you have some interests that get you out ,ixing with the same crowd each week? If so, friendships, even casual ones, can be very slow to grow from these things but they do. After about 18 months of regular fitness classes we are all only now starting to meet for coffee or drinks outside class and chatting together.

Just stay active and let new things evolve. Sometimes suggest a coffee after class or drinks at the end of term and don't worry if people say no. Make a bit of small talk before class - just how was your week etc and see if things evolve gently from that. It's a slow process but I'm sure you will find new friends.

But people have to make an effort. DH has no friends at all. He makes no effort either. That's why. I ask after people, show interest in their lives, share a bit of my own life with them,. give genuine compliments, try occasionally to lighten moods and say something fun or funny. Sometimes I experiment with speaking ,y mind just to gauge the room to see if there are any like minded people around and if there aren't I don't worry (nothing offensive, just a bit revealing of who I am, rather than staying in neutral territory which is too tempting if you are shy. You need to show people who you actually are.

RhubarbCustardy · 27/12/2021 17:55

Its hard with groups of mums as they can be quite clicks. I'd look out for a mum on her own and try to to chat. Hopefully you'll make a friend once your children start having tea invites. I was similar to you and have one good friend who I met as our children were friends. I didn't feel part of the groups even though I was quite chatty and not shy even and it was the same for her.

sheroku · 27/12/2021 18:12

Are there any Meetup groups in your area? Those groups tend to be populated by people who are actively looking for new friends so people tend to be much more friendly and inclusive.

Paranoidandroidmarvin · 27/12/2021 18:17

I’m the same. No friends. I have medical problems that can stop me from doing things so I’m unreliable. Had people give up on me when I needed them the most. So I now protect myself and don’t bother.

Gonnagetgoing · 27/12/2021 18:20

I’d definitely ask the nursery mums something - maybe go for a coffee or ask eg something you’d like to know, eg recommendation for a good cleaner, new ballet class rec for your DD.

I joined a local walking park group during lockdown and quite a few mums came along after work/school, maybe you could try to set something like that up.

Meet-up groups are good but I found some of them can be a bit cliquey so don’t do those now. anything you’re interested in locally like choirs, any local interest groups - there’s always people there wanting to make friends.

Tuttiflutey · 27/12/2021 18:21

Come off Facebook.

DukkaTheHallsWithBoughsOfHolly · 27/12/2021 18:23

I’ve made a group of ‘mum’ friends from my DC’s school but my god I really had to go out of my comfort zone and make an effort! I got to know my DC’s friend’s mums from reception and it went from there.

I didn’t make friends at nursery because of drop off and pick up I never saw anyone.

Gonnagetgoing · 27/12/2021 18:24

Also, don’t discount women without kids! A couple of years ago me and another woman in our street got very friendly with the mums with young kids and we developed a routine of going to the local posh cinema, to the naice pubs locally etc. They were so pleased to be out of the house, not talking about the kids and we made some nice friends! I noticed about an American woman who relocated to London she literally whatsapped everyone locally and said yes to anything. We have great local food markets where we went to, plus walks with coffee.

Gonnagetgoing · 27/12/2021 18:27

Another thing if you like local events. Do what someone in our street does, form a WhatsApp group which is mostly about the street but they’ve also done a street wide advent calendar event. Or set up collections for a charity and go door to door (one neighbour does this for various charities Catholic based but not exclusively). People love to get involved.