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Original poster

I'm the worst wife ever!

42 replies

Jcav · 27/12/2021 10:18

Been with OH 10 years, married 3 years, When I first met him I hadn't long come out of an emotional abusive relationship, my OH is the most laid back person you could meet, hes perfect, tells me I'm sexy and beautiful, really looks after me, tells me he loves me about 10 times a day,only I wasn't always so nice, I started to go really paranoid when we first met and I felt ugly, I had zero confidence, and in my head I thought if I think I'm fat and ugly then he definitely will, the paranoia nearly causing him a breakdown, I was so scared of losing such a good man after been with a horrible man for so long I went paranoid, i was constantly scared of losing him,constantly acusing him of having affairs, I'd have anger outbursts and smash a plate, 3 times on different accasions, smashed a vase down the stairs, slapped him once because he was shouting slut over and over again in my face, in an argument, no excuse to be violent I know but at the time it was a quick hit out,so thinking back now to all of this I was also abusive, this lasted about 4 years, I am nothing like that now, not 1 bit! I try and be the perfect wife I can be, and i genuinely think I am a good wife now, i genuinely treat him like a king,I am so far from what i used to be like, it completely disgusts me knowing I was like that, he joked about last night after watching a programme that had abuse in and he bought up how I used to smash plates at him so he should call the police in a joking way and I went really defensive saying I never threw them at you I just used to smash them, and if I was really abusive he should of called the police etc..I went to bed and I thought, I was actually abusive towards him, was paranoia classed as abuse to,i wasn't sure, it hit me like a train, like a punch to the stomache to think I was an abuser..as I say I am nothing like the girl I used to be, nothing at all like it, but I can't get out of my head,why is he here, I was such an horrible person, he could do so much better, he says it wasn't my fault I was like that, I have had such a horrible past, more horrible than you could imagine, it 100% was my fault I fully own up to this, but is there any way I can also see I am worth been loved by him, I do deserve him now, I can't stop thinking about what I used to be like, I can't get it out of my head, as I say I havnt been like this is years! I don't have the same thoughts, I don't feel scared of been alone anymore, but I do always think I'm not worthy of him,I just need advice please :(

OP posts:

EllieSattler · 27/12/2021 10:21

slapped him once because he was shouting slut over and over again in my face doesn't compute with the most laid back person you could meet, hes perfect

I feel like you're not painting an accurate picture of this relationship, somehow.

Sarahlou63 · 27/12/2021 10:23

I'd probably smash something if my 'perfect' husband was "shouting slut over and over again in my face"

minipie · 27/12/2021 10:23

Own up to how you were, apologise and say you’re grateful he stayed and you promise you won’t ever go back to being like that. That’s all you can do really.

But why was he shouting slut at you? Doesn’t sound like it was all one sided.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/12/2021 10:25

Erm, I would say shouting "slut" in your face repeatedly is pretty awful and abusive. It is a horrible derogatory word. Did that happen often?

Why on earth would you think you need to "treat him like a king"?

The relationship sounds awful and toxic from what you have described.

PurpleDaisies · 27/12/2021 10:26

Why was he shouting “slut” at you over and over? I’m not sure a “perfect” husband would do that.

Holly60 · 27/12/2021 10:26

Hmm, yes it sounds like you were abusive and that is pretty terrible. However, him shouting slut at you over and over again sounds pretty horrific too. Was it a total one off or did he do other things like that?

Sally872 · 27/12/2021 10:27

Sounds like it was a tough time and you both got through it.

I wouldn't over analyse what it was as I don't think it's helpful if you've both moved on from it and both behave better now.

I expect it was an inappropriate joke from dh because he wouldn't be speaking flippantly about it if he really felt that way.

User135644 · 27/12/2021 10:29

@Sarahlou63

I'd probably smash something if my 'perfect' husband was "shouting slut over and over again in my face"

If ever anything called for a leave the bastard. Why are you still with him after that?

Original poster

Jcav · 27/12/2021 10:31

He was watching football, I tried to talk to him,he snapped, it turned into a big argument, then he started shouting slut so I slapped him, never ever do I condone violence, he's never said it before,hasn't afterwards to, and I have never raised a hand to him an nor will I ever do, I felt physically sick I had raised a hand, it was definitely a one off on both parts.

OP posts:

Bobbinatomic · 27/12/2021 10:34

As above, shouting horrible names in your face doesn’t sound like he’s a peach of a man. However, if that was a one off incident in the past, you’ve forgiven him (or absorbed all the blame) so why can’t you forgive yourself?

There’s been an incident in my life where I’d reacted to a partner’s awful treatment of me in a way that made me question whether I was the abuser. Women’s Aid helped me unpick my feelings about it when I did their Freedom Project (and reassured me I did not have to carry my guilt around). You might benefit from doing one of their courses or counselling elsewhere.

Original poster

Jcav · 27/12/2021 10:34

And treating him like a king, I treat him as I see I should treat him, I make sure his baths ran for when he finishes work, his foods cooked for after the bath, make sure his uniforms ironed etc, but he looks after me in different ways to, i only have to say I want something and he go's out and buys it the very next day, always tells me I'm beautiful and sexy,even when I'm genuinely looking like hagrid lol, always tells me he loves me, don't get me wrong we have our little arguments but never nothing big anymore.

OP posts:

janbaby22 · 27/12/2021 10:34

It sounds to me like he’s done a pretty good job of gaslighting the hell out of you! He shouted slut over and over again in your face? And he’s joking about how you used to be abusive?
I used to think I had a bad temper, but then I realised it was because my ex was a bastard. I haven’t lost my temper since I broke up with him about 8 years ago.

PurpleDaisies · 27/12/2021 10:35

He was watching football, I tried to talk to him,he snapped, it turned into a big argument, then he started shouting slut
Nothing anything like that has never happened in fifteen years of being with my husband.

Seriously, you’re idolising someone who doesn’t deserve it.

SisterJude · 27/12/2021 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Jcav · 27/12/2021 10:40

We've both come from terrible back grounds, id been sexually abused by 3 different people, never phoning the police which I regret now but I know due to no evidence nothing would come from it, iv been suicidal, depressed time and time again, so close to ending it all because I couldnt deal with that pain, but I got through it, iv learned how to deal with it, he comes from an abusive background to, I love him more than words could ever say, and I know he loves me, I just can't forgive myself for how I was. I just wanted advice on how to forgive myself without going to see anybody.GP etc

OP posts:

Bobbinatomic · 27/12/2021 10:42

Interested to hear you talk about treating him like a King. That implies he’s above you in some way and you’re his servant. It’s nice to do things for a partner that makes their life easier but he’s a grown man who can run his own baths. It’s a dodgy dynamic to set up (IMO).

BooksAndGin · 27/12/2021 10:43

Sounds very abusive from both sides. I hope your children haven't witnessed your behaviours.

I think one of you needs to leave before it escalates.

Original poster

Jcav · 27/12/2021 10:44

No hun, he never expects these things, never asks for me to do these things, he works long hours, I'm a stay at home mom with health issues, not enough that I can't do things etc, so I see it as, well I'm at home I can do these things, doesn't help I don't have any friends anymore due to my ex, my 1 best friend I did have has now turned to drugs and she's with an abusive partner, iv tried time and time again to get her to leave but it was making me poorly I had to just allow her to make her own mistakes, and walk away on her on terms,sounds bad doesn't it. So I genuinely just have him, my child and I talk to my family, but not the same is it as having a friend.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jcav · 27/12/2021 10:46

No,never ever infront of our child.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jcav · 27/12/2021 10:47

And as iv said, iv not been like this in years and years, I just need to forgive myself because I'm always feeling guilty about it, that I'm this monster, just needed advice on how to do this. Other than that we genuinely have a good marriage.

OP posts:

janbaby22 · 27/12/2021 10:48

You can start by forgiving yourself by realising that any sane person would slap someone if they were shouting slut over and over again in their face.

6demandingchildren · 27/12/2021 10:50

You need to talk to him about the past and ask him why he never left you or phoned the police you also need to ask him why he called you a slut as you obviously are not over it.
And I hope you will feel better about yourself after the discussion.

Bobbinatomic · 27/12/2021 10:59

Does your husband feel guilty about shouting slut in your face repeatedly all because you’d interrupted his football? I can see you’ve said you don’t want to speak to anyone in real life about this but sometimes it’s best to involve a professional. If this really doesn’t feel like an option for you, then perhaps books about self esteem/confidence building might help as would trying to expand your social network. As it is, you very focused on your husband’s needs, housework, child rearing etc what are you doing to support and heal YOU and to move on from the traumatising things that have happened in your life?

mrsbitaly · 27/12/2021 11:09

Please don't dwell on it too much otherwise you will find yourself in a dark place. I would sit and speak to your other half and explain how you feel it would be nice for him to know you recognise that your behaviour wasn't good at that time.

Original poster

Jcav · 27/12/2021 11:26

Honestly I'm not all that fussed on the "slut" part, everyone in anger can say something they don't mean, I more than anyone knows this, I know 100% he don't think I'm a slut, it was just anger at that time, and I don't do anything at all for me because I have no hobbies, my ex really done a number on me, no contact with friends, really took my self worth etc, my husband always tells me, do what makes you happy, try new things etc, does date nights, iv told him in genuinely bored, not of our family life but in general I'm bored, I have nothing to do apart from what I do in the house, I wouldn't even no where to start on hobbies etc aswell as friends go, that's long in the water, I tell him how I feel with me been stuck in the house 24/7 everyday of the week but he can say its exactly the same for him been in a dead end job and he's bored so I just stop the conversation.doesnt get us anywhere.

OP posts:

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