I'm the worst wife ever!

[Jcav]

Been with OH 10 years, married 3 years, When I first met him I hadn't long come out of an emotional abusive relationship, my OH is the most laid back person you could meet, hes perfect, tells me I'm sexy and beautiful, really looks after me, tells me he loves me about 10 times a day,only I wasn't always so nice, I started to go really paranoid when we first met and I felt ugly, I had zero confidence, and in my head I thought if I think I'm fat and ugly then he definitely will, the paranoia nearly causing him a breakdown, I was so scared of losing such a good man after been with a horrible man for so long I went paranoid, i was constantly scared of losing him,constantly acusing him of having affairs, I'd have anger outbursts and smash a plate, 3 times on different accasions, smashed a vase down the stairs, slapped him once because he was shouting slut over and over again in my face, in an argument, no excuse to be violent I know but at the time it was a quick hit out,so thinking back now to all of this I was also abusive, this lasted about 4 years, I am nothing like that now, not 1 bit! I try and be the perfect wife I can be, and i genuinely think I am a good wife now, i genuinely treat him like a king,I am so far from what i used to be like, it completely disgusts me knowing I was like that, he joked about last night after watching a programme that had abuse in and he bought up how I used to smash plates at him so he should call the police in a joking way and I went really defensive saying I never threw them at you I just used to smash them, and if I was really abusive he should of called the police etc..I went to bed and I thought, I was actually abusive towards him, was paranoia classed as abuse to,i wasn't sure, it hit me like a train, like a punch to the stomache to think I was an abuser..as I say I am nothing like the girl I used to be, nothing at all like it, but I can't get out of my head,why is he here, I was such an horrible person, he could do so much better, he says it wasn't my fault I was like that, I have had such a horrible past, more horrible than you could imagine, it 100% was my fault I fully own up to this, but is there any way I can also see I am worth been loved by him, I do deserve him now, I can't stop thinking about what I used to be like, I can't get it out of my head, as I say I havnt been like this is years! I don't have the same thoughts, I don't feel scared of been alone anymore, but I do always think I'm not worthy of him,I just need advice please :(

There's a lot to unpick here.

First, if this was a one-off incident a long time ago, it doesn't reflect well on either of you but you need to let that go. His abusive language caused you to do something atypical- what you did was wrong, but you can't undo time and you can't change that now.

Him going on about it now- I am a bit concerned you can't just robustly defend yourself. Just say, that was then and this is now, it's very upsetting for you to bring that up, your behaviour wasn't great, please just let it go.

As for now, the biggest issue here to me is that you are very bored with your life. Can you find some other things to do than wait on him hand and foot? Volunteer work, read with kids at the school, anything?

You don't have anything else going on and this is causing you to think a lot about your relationship, and be very upset. I think trying to build a life outside your relationship, even just a new friend, join a group, volunteer, part-time job, or even something online to start with, would help you not just focus on him.

I have a slight suspicion that if you did start to build a life outside you might find out he's not so perfect, but if you doing nothing except caring for him in return for some kind words, you are selling yourself short.

You've both been as bad as each other, I'd say you're even now. Some may say he has been worse than you. You smashed things in general not towards him. He screamed in your face an awful insult?
Find a hobby, go walking and get some fresh air and get yourself fit.
Sitting in, waiting til he gets home is no life.

I think you probably need to be kind to yourself about what you did but also work to understand that you have a skewed view of him. You have swung the other way now, instead of being convinced he is horrible and going to cheat etc you are now sure he is perfect and is a king. He isnt, he has his own issues and has treated you badly, and you've treated him badly too. It could be worth looking for some therapy to help you work through it so everything is not so black and white in your mind

The key to forgiveness is understanding that it's not about forgetting and brushing something under the rug but deciding not to take revenge. In your case it's about treating yourself with kindness and compassion and trying to separate guilt and shame from the act. It's also about moving on and changing your behaviour from now on. It certainly doesn't mean being a perfect wife and self sacrifice for the rest of time.

You need to accept responsibility for never behaving abusively again and your husband needs to do the same. Shouting slut in your face is abuse

OP, with genuine kindness, have you ever thought you might have Borderline (BPD)? Your thought processes and behaviour describe younger me exactly: rage, idealisation/devaluation, boredom, outbursts of emotion, guilt etc. Being diagnosed and treated was the best thing that ever happened to me and my life and relationships are so happy now.

This sounds like an unhappy relationship. Just because it’s better than your previous awful relationship doesn’t mean it’s fine.

Wow this does not sound like a healthy relationship.

Sometimes when you have been previously abused ,and had an abusive childhood as well then yrs difficult to see what a healthy RL looks like! A one off incident of you slapping him as he said you were a slut isnt great ,however why are you running his baths and ironing his clothes? You are his wife not a maid! I think you would really benefit some counselling sessions TBH .Not simply due to this ,but you say you wouldnt know where to start with interests of your own .Do you have many friends ? Everybody needs a life outside of marriage .You have lost your self confidence sadly this needs rebuilding

You say you don't want to see anyone, but your life has been severely limited by past traumas. Surely it is worth getting help to deal with them.

You also have a child and being a parent about is about teaching them how to live, how to pick themselves up again when they are down and the only way to teach these things is by example.

@2bazookas

Count the number of times you wrote "I" and "me" in your OP post.

Completely self-obsessed narcissism.

DH has barely has a walk-on part in your prima-donna performance of ego narcissism.

Wtf? Completely unnecessary and spiteful comment

You sound like you’re not in a good place for a relationship, focus on your children and your mindset.
Although what @2bazookas said was quite blunt, there’s an element of truth in it. I thought it as I read it too.
You don’t have to be in a relationship to feel like you’re a valid person, you can be happy without a partner in your life.

@Jcav

And treating him like a king, I treat him as I see I should treat him, I make sure his baths ran for when he finishes work, his foods cooked for after the bath, make sure his uniforms ironed etc, but he looks after me in different ways to, i only have to say I want something and he go's out and buys it the very next day, always tells me I'm beautiful and sexy,even when I'm genuinely looking like hagrid lol, always tells me he loves me, don't get me wrong we have our little arguments but never nothing big anymore.

That's not a relationship of equals.

He has done a great job of making you think you need to worship him and aren't good enough for him.

I think you need some quiet reflection to enable you to see this relationship through a different lens.

He hasn't "made" me treat him like anything, that's purely down to me, I treat him as I see fit, he treats me the same, no,my marriage isn't perfect far from it BUT it's a happy marriage over all, it's not down to him for me to find hobbies and interests, that's my doing, I just don't know where to start, there's definitely no narcissistic behaviour on my part and I definitely don't need somebody to make me feel like a valid person, no idea where that has came from.

Does it matter? Your happy now so just get on with it and stop dragging the past up.

Gently Op, the idea that you need someone to validate you comes from your posts on here. You judge yourself entirely through the lens of your husband

Nobody's perfect. Start with that and work through it.