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Original poster

Deciding to be the friend who is chased rather than chasing

40 replies

JanisMoplin · 27/12/2021 09:50

I am nearly 50 and don't have many friends for various reasons: moved about a lot, work from home, did not go to university in this country, close friends emigrated etc etc. I would like more esp as the DC are nearly grown and I have more time. I wouldn't say I am an extrovert, but I am not an introvert either.

BUT. I have realised that it is always me who suggests meeting or attending events ( pre-Omicron). If I leave it to my friends to suggest meeting, they hardly ever suggest it. When we actually meet, they seem happy to meet me ( unless they are faking).

I am wondering if in the new year I should stop chasing and see if anyone chases me. The last time I tried this, nobody contacted me for years and I just fell off the map!:(

OP posts:

comeundone · 27/12/2021 09:55

Why would you do this to yourself? Some people are more passive than others, and if you're an active friend then others will likely be used to your taking the lead. Deliberately isolating yourself to make a point seems self-destructive to me, particularly if you want more friends and connection in your life. Keep going to things when this is ok with your national restrictions, and try to find things you enjoy.

sweetbellyhigh · 27/12/2021 10:21

Worth a try!!

Maybe give it a couple of months?

Strugglingtodomybest · 27/12/2021 10:31

Why? You've said yourself that the last time you did this, you didn't see anyone. Do you not want to see anyone? If so, go ahead, but if you will miss seeing your friends, why would you do this to yourself?

I have friends who never suggest meeting, they are too insecure (I know this because they have told me), and if I stopped suggesting it they would probably assume there was a reason I didn't want to see them anymore (because I didn't like them) and would still not contact me because they "wouldn't want to bother me".

I know, mad. But that's the way they are and I accept that and I do all the so-called chasing (aka send a text).

Original poster

JanisMoplin · 27/12/2021 10:46

I struggle with the concept of active and passive friends. I would like passive friends to be more active. Not going to happen, is it?

OP posts:

Sunnysidegold · 27/12/2021 11:09

I get what you mean op. I have a friend who I love meeting up with - usually about four times a year due to geography and life schedules. I noted recently that I'm always the one getting in touch. All our WhatsApp chats are started by me. She has cancelled a couple of times - my mum says she was always flakey though.

I'm not sure what to do. I spoke to a mutual friend and joked that this woman was trying to ghost me. I've double checked that's it's not something more serious like depression but it seems just that I can be dropped.

It has been really annoying me and I'm thinking of ending the friendship over it. We are due to meet tomorrow and I think I'm going to have to say something to get it off my chest.

supadupapupascupa · 27/12/2021 11:13

I'm the passive friend. I love my friends dearly but I don't have a burning need to see them often. As much as I do enjoy seeing them when I do, they exhaust me.
I would do anything for my friends, I would drop everything, I love them like family. But because I don't keep in close contact I have had a few who don't see it that way.
I'm an introvert. The friends that have a problem with me are all extroverts.
It's a thing!

CheshireKitten123 · 27/12/2021 11:38

"I am wondering if in the new year I should stop chasing and see if anyone chases me. The last time I tried this, nobody contacted me for years and I just fell off the map!"

This post rings so many bells with me OP and I could have written it myself about 5 years ago.

I was fed-up with always being an instigator, so I stopped doing it. All I got was radio silence.

So I made new friends who are more proactive in seeking out my company.

"I would like passive friends to be more active. Not going to happen, is it?" Nope.
I often wondered if these people were using passivity as a form of control/manipulation.

IMO friends who expect you to do the heavy lifting aren't really friends.

Time for a new start OP !

Akire · 27/12/2021 11:41

I agree it goes both ways, all way saying all my friends are so insecure they never suggest having a coffee, but equally it can feel awful being one make all the suggestions. You have feelings too!

You could try sending messages like I’m pretty free next week? If you wanted met up any time let me know. So it’s half an invitation but require them to make some effort and suggestion.

Devilmakes3 · 27/12/2021 11:42

I am in a similar boat OP and over the last few years I have decided to take up hobbies to get my social needs met because people are just really busy these days and it is so much easier having guaranteed social outlets rather than trying to get everyone to work around schedules. It has worked really well.

Ibane · 27/12/2021 11:45

@comeundone

Yes, exactly. Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face if you value the friendships you have.

HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 27/12/2021 11:50

@supadupapupascupa

I'm the passive friend. I love my friends dearly but I don't have a burning need to see them often. As much as I do enjoy seeing them when I do, they exhaust me. I would do anything for my friends, I would drop everything, I love them like family. But because I don't keep in close contact I have had a few who don't see it that way. I'm an introvert. The friends that have a problem with me are all extroverts. It's a thing!

Is being an introvert just an excuse for being a crap friend? What if they all stopped contacting you?

duvetdayforeveryone · 27/12/2021 11:52

I'm doing this too!

And in my head I've been going over conversations, working out who talks at me and who genuinely cares about me.

I am ignoring those that talk at me, and the people that didn't bother wishing me happy birthday.

Ibane · 27/12/2021 11:53

But @supadupapupascupa isn’t being a ‘crap friend’. She doesn’t need to see her friends as often as they apparently need to see her, hence they initiate contact. She’s not obliged to see them more often than she wants to facilitate their needs.

Chewbecca · 27/12/2021 12:08

I don’t think this is going to achieve what you want!

I’d do the opposite, dish out invitations to do stuff left, right and centre.

The more invites I make, the more I receive and the more fun I have.

It’s not worth further shrinking your social circle just because they don’t take the initiative, just accept that you’re an organiser and go with it.

oftenbaffled · 27/12/2021 12:10

Cutting your nose off to spite your face if you enjoy their company

I’m the organiser of my friendship group. I don’t get pissy about it because it suits my personality

HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 27/12/2021 12:11

@Ibane

But *@supadupapupascupa* isn’t being a ‘crap friend’. She doesn’t need to see her friends as often as they apparently need to see her, hence they initiate contact. She’s not obliged to see them more often than she wants to facilitate their needs.

Friendship is a two way thing. If she doesn't need to see them, I'm asking how would she feel if they stopped doing all the legwork?

Redcrayons · 27/12/2021 12:12

This won’t go the way you hope it will. Some people are just not the organisers and won’t ever be.

I agree that It’s annoying when it’s you doing all the suggesting and running around all the time.

Ibane · 27/12/2021 12:16

@HoliHormonalTigerlilly, I assume she would contact them according to her own desire to be in contact with her friends? I mean, how much ‘legwork’ is actually involved in occasionally messaging or phoning, or suggesting a drink or a meal? I do that in some of my friendships, and not in others, without resenting it. I have friendships where neither of us contacts the other for a year at a time, but those are still valuable friendships to me.

I honestly get impatient with the anxious abacus-counting I see encouraged on here about who messages who.

HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 27/12/2021 12:21

[quote Ibane]@HoliHormonalTigerlilly, I assume she would contact them according to her own desire to be in contact with her friends? I mean, how much ‘legwork’ is actually involved in occasionally messaging or phoning, or suggesting a drink or a meal? I do that in some of my friendships, and not in others, without resenting it. I have friendships where neither of us contacts the other for a year at a time, but those are still valuable friendships to me.

I honestly get impatient with the anxious abacus-counting I see encouraged on here about who messages who.[/quote]
If one person never makes any effort to see you, it can grate.
It's not abacus counting.

supadupapupascupa · 27/12/2021 12:23

I have other introverted friends, they feel the same way I do! We text occasionally, always there in the background decades on. We don't need to see each other often. The love is there and real!
Honestly I do think there are two types of people when it comes to this.
I spend all my energy on my husband and children first, wider family and work second. There's not much left of me after that! But that doesn't mean I can't have friends or don't deserve them! And I WOULD and have been there when needed ( to the point where I've rescued friends and moved them and babies in with me with hours notice).

I internalise things, work stuff out for myself, I don't need to bounce off others all the time. But I do have friends that need to constantly spark off others, obtain opinions, tell you every detail of their lives..... noone is wrong, introversion v extroversion. But it doesn't mean we can't love each other.
We need an assortment of support and friendship for different purposes. I don't want to know the ins and outs of your life, do shopping days etc but I'm superb in an emergency and I will hold you in your sorrow and celebrate your successes gladly.

Ibane · 27/12/2021 12:27

Sure, if you’re travelling miles regularly to see someone, or hosting them for dinner at your house without reciprocation, @HoliHormonalTigerlilly, but I wouldn’t see usually being the one to initiate contact when it’s a matter of a text or phone call as any kind of undue burden, assuming you want to see or talk to the person.

flowersforbrains · 27/12/2021 12:27

I would just dial the contact down. In the meantime, see if you can make some new friends who are a bit more proactive.

I phased a friend out a couple of years ago. Although I used to see her a bit she was so flakey it drove me nuts. She constantly let me down at the last minute. It became clear that she would get a better offer and 'bump me'. I stopped suggesting going out in the end. She did notice and comment but I didn't have the heart to say it was because she was so unreliable. Was also quite emotional and a bit highly strung. It was just too much hard work in the end.

Original poster

JanisMoplin · 27/12/2021 12:31

Thanks for all the interesting replies. I had much less energy for friends and occasionally found them exhausting when DC were young and sucked up all my energy. I seem to have more energy now. Though some of my friends still have younger DC, so I should take that into account.

I love the expression "anxious abacus counting" but am not sure I agree with you @Ibane. I take the point about cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I did try to attend more group hobby events as suggested, so there is no back and forth on schedules. But Covid destroyed some of those.

OP posts:

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/12/2021 12:33

You sound like me-similar age. If I don’t contact or ask I hear from no one. They all manage to meet up with each other though so it’s clearly me. 😢 I don’t know what I’ve done wrong-I’m always happy to help/be there/do things and they are always happy to take from me what they need-but I only get contacted when either they or one of their family need something from me.

peridito · 27/12/2021 12:41

I have a friend who I know does the abacus counting thing because when I speak to her I'll hear about who hasn't been in touch with her .

If I mention a mutual friend there will be a remark along the lines of "oh you've heard from X ," silent addition of "I've not" .

I think she's very insecure but the thing is ,I find it massively off putting .I don't want to monitor my contact with her to make sure it's scrupulously equal .Or have my conversations closely watched for mentions of mutual friends who may not recently have phoned her .

I know it's wrong but I find her concern really off putting .I don't want her need for self esteem and social contact to be partly my responsibilty .I really dislike making phonecalls and I'm the sort of person who if given the choice would just potter about on my own .I find socialising exhausting and am v happy with very limited contact .

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