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Original poster

Deciding to be the friend who is chased rather than chasing

40 replies

JanisMoplin · 27/12/2021 09:50

I am nearly 50 and don't have many friends for various reasons: moved about a lot, work from home, did not go to university in this country, close friends emigrated etc etc. I would like more esp as the DC are nearly grown and I have more time. I wouldn't say I am an extrovert, but I am not an introvert either.

BUT. I have realised that it is always me who suggests meeting or attending events ( pre-Omicron). If I leave it to my friends to suggest meeting, they hardly ever suggest it. When we actually meet, they seem happy to meet me ( unless they are faking).

I am wondering if in the new year I should stop chasing and see if anyone chases me. The last time I tried this, nobody contacted me for years and I just fell off the map!:(

OP posts:

Original poster

JanisMoplin · 27/12/2021 12:46

@peridito So just drop her? She sounds hard work and I hope I am not that annoying.

I also think if people find socialising exhausting and are happier on their own, why bother to have friends?

OP posts:

supadupapupascupa · 27/12/2021 12:50

[quote JanisMoplin]@peridito So just drop her? She sounds hard work and I hope I am not that annoying.

I also think if people find socialising exhausting and are happier on their own, why bother to have friends?[/quote]
Seriously? So if you're quiet, autistic etc etc etc why bother??? I think your definition of friendship is very different to mine.

Ibane · 27/12/2021 12:53

[quote JanisMoplin]@peridito So just drop her? She sounds hard work and I hope I am not that annoying.

I also think if people find socialising exhausting and are happier on their own, why bother to have friends?[/quote]
But your friends, assuming they are sane, reasonably well-adjusted people, presumably do value your friendship, they just may not have the same need for contact at the intervals that you do? Or something makes them wary of making hard and fast plans in advance?

I know that when we lived in another country to all family, in a village where getting evening babysitters was almost impossible and when DH was having to travel at the drop of a hat, I didn’t want to commit to night-time stuff I might subsequently have to pull out of for lack of childcare. My available times for friendships tended to be lunches during lighter work days, or a quick drink immediately after work timed so it was a night when DS went straight from after school care to a club in the school building.

Takemine · 27/12/2021 12:54

Unless you send your friends a memo they will have no idea they're suddenly supposed to be chasing you.

They will assume you're really busy or think the friendship's drifting. You won't like either.

Original poster

JanisMoplin · 27/12/2021 12:54

Probably @supadupapupascupa but am just saying seeing friends isn't mandatory, unlike say seeing family or work contacts. You can choose your friends, or indeed choose not to have any if you prefer being on your own. DH prefers being on his own and has an exhausting job, so he actively chooses not to have friends.

OP posts:

RhubarbCustardy · 27/12/2021 12:56

One of my friends often doesn't text back and then I have to text again. If she texts me(usually with a question) then I text straight back maybe also with another question and then I don't hear back! She'll suggest a meet up then often postpones or has to leave after an hour as she has something to do. Or she'll fit me in in-between something she has to do. She's cut evenings short on the night for the same reason. Its frustrating and I used to get really annoyed but I've learnt to let it go as its just her way and she's completely oblivious and always on edge/stressed and she probably won't change. Some friends are just like that. You either accept it or bring it up in conversation but risk losing the friendship altogether. If you enjoy the actual time you're together and go with it maybe.

Wrongaddress · 27/12/2021 12:57

Hmmm I'm the passive friend. Sometimes I don't have the headspace to think about making plans but often happy to go along if others suggest things. I need a lot of alone time and already get very little between full time job and DC. We're all different

supadupapupascupa · 27/12/2021 12:58

I think what you're describing is what I would call mates. Friends are for life unless something major happens. Friendships involve genuine care and love. Mates can just occupy your time, provide companionship.

peridito · 27/12/2021 13:01

@JanisMoplin So just drop her

life is not that black and white ,IMO anyway . We were at the same university ,have mutual friends ,some shared past .She is part of my life .
She is hard work but ...she is a human being ,good points and bad like all of us .It grieves me that she has this hole of insecurity inside her - I think it's massively unkind to "drop" anyone because you find them hard work .(what kind of a world would it be if we all dropped people because some effort is involved ?)I certainly wouldn't do it to her ,knowing how hurt she would be .

I also think if people find socialising exhausting and are happier on their own, why bother to have friends? again - there are shades of grey ,everything isn't black and white .I honestly would prefer to pig out on carbs and sugar rather than have balanced meals . But I exercise (some) self control because I know it would make me very fat and that wouldn't make me feel good .
I would prefer to have only one close friend whom I didn't see very often but I think it's good to put the effort in ( and it is an effort ) to talk with others with different views and different lives .To not just selfishly concentrate on myself .

Does that help explain ?

Original poster

JanisMoplin · 27/12/2021 14:03

Thanks @peridito that does help explain. I hope I am the 'carbs and sugar' friend though I may be the 'kale'friend, who knows:) I have some relatives who are hard work, but I still see them every now and again, though I find them exhausting.

I get your point too @supadupapupascupa, now you have elaborated.

OP posts:

BogRollBOGOF · 27/12/2021 14:41

I've let some friendships slip like this. It wasn't a mutual exchange. We were in a larger group through a common hobby and there was a core who organised socials and trips and one couple in particular would come, but hedge their bets and flip-flop around. Annoyingly they'd go off for weekends themselves doing the hobby, so were clearly capable of organising it, but never invested any effort back to the rest of the group. They were also the type to penny pinch and complicate restaurant bills, never prepared to round something up to save 20 minutes of bill maths. We quietly stopped inviting and never heard anything back.

Other friends are quiet, but there feels like a more mutual emotional investment and are worth the effort of keeping in touch and are reliable in their own way.

PieMistee · 27/12/2021 14:49

I could be like your friends in being rubbish and sorting stuff out. I have lots of groups of friends and yet am shite at organising anything. I am however a good choice of someone who is up for doing and trying most things and am almost never flaky. For some of my friends if they didn't contact me I would be rubbish at contacting them however am always delighted to see them. I work f/t in a job that involves travel, I have 4 kids (who have lots of friends and activities) , I have a couple of hobbies, volunteer in stuff, biggish family. I rarely am doing nothing so hence rarely organise much.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 27/12/2021 14:50

I think this is more about friendship dynamics - you might be the type of person people rely on to organise the social things. I have a few of those. Theres nothing wrong with it.

Turkishangora · 27/12/2021 15:01

I stopped being the organiser/social secretary as was fed up with the lack of reciprocation. I'm now still close to about 50% of friends because they have made the effort and started planning and inviting me to stuff. I can't stand better offer people who won't commit or who "aren't sure what they're doing" on any particular day, they are keeping their options open for a better offer so I never see those people anymore. When I bump into one ex friend in particular she always bemoans the fact we never see each other... But she never ever bothers to make any effort. She doesn't seem to have joined the dots.

I also think some women are very preoccupied in their partners and children and immediate family and do everything with them, so they don't need a social life. Me and DH are both very independent and do a lot of things either separately or with other people as that's where our interests lie, we don't have that need for lots of very intense "family time" it would send us both mad!

oftenbaffled · 27/12/2021 16:40

Friends off different things to a group
At least in my wonderful group it’s the case

I’m the organiser of social events
Another is the one who’s brilliant at sorting birthday presents, sending flowers when someone is struggling, remembering children’s birthdays etc
Another i don’t think has ever suggested a social event in 20 years BUT my goodness… she will drop anything at a moment’S notice if a friend is in need. Within one hour she was at my front door when I told my group about my divorce.

I could go on

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