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Original poster

Feeling suffocated by toddlers. Worse Mom ever.

42 replies

SleepingStandingUp · 26/12/2021 23:51

I come to bed and immediately one wakes up, needs water, needs touching til they fall asleep. Last night we had one each, mine had to lie across my shoulder because it was the only way he'd stop crying. I felt so hot and sick but if I moved him he cried and screamed. I got him down at 1 am (about two hours) then he needed resettling at 4.30. 7 am the 6 yo comes in, I tell him he can't and I'll come to him (DH had put other toddler in with us and he'd actually slept) so he doesn't listen and tries to climb over me, hurting me by accident. I get him in his room and toddler wakes. Get 6 yo to settle and try to settle toddler in our bed. DH wakes and takes I'm down stairs so 6 yo gets in my bed for 10 then goes down with DH who leaves me to sleep (by now it's nearly 8).
I have food and the toddlers are THERE on my lap trying to share. They pay no heed of DH with identical food. Mince pie today, I got half way through, one stole the other half then fed me cream off his fingers he'd licked.

I just feel like if I could sleep through it might feel less suffocating but it's roughly every three hours. 5 hours the uther night felt miraculous.

And I feel so guilty. I have these lovely kids who love me but sometimes the sleep thing feels so personal. Even if I come up earlier, they'll just do their first wake. I'm such a terrible Mom to resent their needs

OP posts:
NewtoHolland · 27/12/2021 00:24

You're exhausted, not a crap mum. I would be booking to stay somewhere for a couple of nights and leaving DH to it. You need to refresh and recharge and then you might have some energy to set more boundaries with the kids that make life manageable. Hugs this is a tough bit and you are trying so hard

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2021 00:58

I had a night away early Dec with friends, slept like 8 hours solid, didn't even wake to pee!! Got one Feb with friends and I go away alone in July for 3 nights.
Even when they're asleep like now brethren waiting to hear then and frigging pulsatile tinnitus I find it so hard to get off.

OP posts:
Christoncrutches · 27/12/2021 01:41

I have older children but will never forget how overwhelming this stage is - no personal space and a constant feeling of being drained. Sounds like you're a top notch mother who is completely 'there' for her kids so don't feel guilty at all - you're having a completely human, normal reaction... When it comes to grabbing some food, try taking it in turns to eat with DH so you both get a bit of time on your own to enjoy a meal, watch something you really like with headphones on to blank them all out for a bit - a half hour of being left alone every day makes such a massive difference when they're at this stage.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

6 year olds Babies & sleep Children's sleep Families
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2021 03:46

Yeah that's a good point. I not basically refuse to eat together in the evenings with the kids in the week because I can't enjoy it so we eat after. DH doesn't like it so much but understands. I think this holiday unless they actually nap we should alternate lunches.

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 27/12/2021 06:53

You’re the opposite of the worst mum ever! You sound like a great mum, even just one toddler in your bed is brutal let alone two. Your poor back must be in bits.

On the food thing I would make it a hard rule that they don’t eat from your plate. That’s one thing that earns a very stern AH AH AH and, if necessary, removal of my toddler’s hand, especially so when my DH is sitting with us eating undisturbed. Don’t let them think that mum’s needs come last in the pecking order, especially where food is concerned. Also, you need mince pie fuel urgently when you’re getting so little sleep!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/12/2021 06:55

Do they ever just sleep through in their own beds- ages-?

SuperSleepyBaby · 27/12/2021 07:01

You’re a human not a saint! No parent is perfect.

KatieKat88 · 27/12/2021 07:09

@SleepingStandingUp you're a great mum, you're just worn out! I feel like that when mine is having a bad patch with sleep and there's just one of her. I'm glad your DH is supportive. I don't think there's anything wrong with drawing boundaries with your food. If yours are anything like mine then little routines are everything, so after a few days they'll be used to new rules. We give so much of ourselves which is often the right thing to do, but it's also good for them to see you modelling your own self worth and boundaries too Flowers

stayathomer · 27/12/2021 07:15

It's their ages. Of course you love them but that still means you can be wrecked and need space too!! It changes really quickly and someday a friend will be telling you about their sleep woes and you'll realise what you got through!! Sorry am no help but just to let you know you're doing great even if it doesn't feel like it

voxnihili · 27/12/2021 07:18

I hear you. I’m currently on day 8 of isolation with mine and it’s been a testing time. I snapped at her the other day because every time I turned around I tripped over her. No advice, but you’re not alone. I love my DD to bits but I do not want to be mauled or followed all day.

Mittenmob · 27/12/2021 07:18

Oh I'm so with you. I have a 6yo and 2yo. 2yo wakes every 2 hours and always comes in with us and likes to scratch and claw my skin to get to sleep. 6yo is better but randomly gets up in the night and turns all the lights on because she's left it too late to pee and caught her knickers. 2yo wakes at 5 so it just feels like tag teaming me to exhaustion. I've no tips, apart from taking long shopping trips to get out of the house and leave them with DH.

CliffsofMohair · 27/12/2021 07:25

Nothing useful to add but solidarity. It’s hard feeling you exist solely to service the needs of smallies, especially if you have a job as well. There’s nothing left of you for you. My DH has a really hard time understanding why I’m so touched out because he’s not the one the toddlers gravitate to.

LapinR0se · 27/12/2021 07:42

You need to sleep train

WashableVelvet · 27/12/2021 08:03

You sound more tolerant of their wishes (I’d call them wants not needs) on both food and sleep than me and I think I’m a pretty good mum Grin

One helpful shift for me was away from seeing crying as a problem I needed to fix asap, and towards seeing it as a legitimate expression of legitimate feelings that I needed to help them manage, accompany them through emotionally etc. I realised I wouldn’t try to stop any other expression of emotion so why would I stop this - it’s frustration, tiredness, etc coming out and it’s ok for them to feel and express those things. So sometimes mine cried, whether it was day or night, and I think sometimes I could have stopped that quicker by co sleeping but it was also ok for me to help them manage the feelings in different ways.

We found this really helpful and it helped our eldest a lot once the sides were off his cot www.parents.com/toddlers-preschoolers/sleep/issues/how-to-sleep-train-toddlers-and-big-kids/

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/12/2021 08:34

You are a great mum! That much is clear.

It’s an exhausting phase. Can you get a break and a full nights sleep? Are there a few people you could rotate to get a night off a month?

It sounds like you do have boundaries (eg sending the 6 year old off to bed) but you may need to have a few more - they shouldn’t be bothering you as you eat, so try avoiding eating at their level for a bit, and then be firm about saying no. You could also look at sleep tryining for the 2 year old, it’s not for everyone but for some it’s very helpful.

Mittenmob · 27/12/2021 09:06

The problem with sleep training is that it requires you to have enough energy to do it in the first place. When it's 3am and you have a choice to sit up for 2 hours with a screaming child waking the neighbours, or bring them in with you/cuddle and go back to sleep within 10 mins it's always the latter that wins out for me.

toddlermom1 · 27/12/2021 09:24

@Mittenmob

The problem with sleep training is that it requires you to have enough energy to do it in the first place. When it's 3am and you have a choice to sit up for 2 hours with a screaming child waking the neighbours, or bring them in with you/cuddle and go back to sleep within 10 mins it's always the latter that wins out for me.
This is so true! 😣
BlueShirtGuy · 27/12/2021 09:33

I actually think you are too good rather than rubbish. I would never have let mine get in my knee while I was eating! Grin

I agree with Middle that it's important that they don't see you as unimportant and at the bottom of the pile. Mine are teenagers now but they still remember that if I'm in the bathroom they are not to talk to me through the door. That's my line.

Start showing them you are a person with feelings and opinions. At story time list them pick a story and then you pick one that you like and say why you like it. If there is a place on the sofa/mug you like tell them about it. I once bought and wore for two years a pair of sunglasses I tried on in a shop that made dd cry with when I tried them on because I liked them. It's not about whether she likes them. She can pick her own sunglasses. These are small things but they lead to bigger ones.

I'd concentrate on the six year old. Getting in your bed when you told him not to is naughty. Obviously that incident is over now but I'd have a calm chat about that today,

He isn't a toddler, he's six and if he wants to do bigger boy things that the toddlers don't get to to then he needs to not behave like the toddlers the rest of the time. And if Mummy or Daddy says you aren't to do something you don't do it. There was a reason that he wasn't allowed to get in the bed and he didn't listen. You didn't want to get squashed and you didn't want the toddler to wake up and both of those things happened.

quitecrunchy · 27/12/2021 10:00

I have one toddler who's all over me all the time and who's a crap sleeper, plus an older kid. It's fucking hard. Exhausting, often unrewarding, absolutely relentless. Dealing with two like that must be doubly hard. Cut yourself some slack! You're doing a great job. You don't have to be walking about acting like parenting toddlers is a glorious experience and the sun shines out of the little shites' bums and the whole time to be a good mum Grin

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2021 10:03

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Do they ever just sleep through in their own beds- ages-?
Yeah they don't end up in ours every night and I can't do more than one in our bed due to size (bed and toddler!). I mostly resettle in theirs. But sleeping through would be 5 hours Ish and is rare. Last night it was 11pn (dad resettled one) then 3.30 (I resettled the other one) and 7ish I woke DH up and he took them down as they'd woke up and I could hear them playing. They'd done the random scream in the night twice where I'd sat up but not gone in as it was a single scream. That's fairly typical
OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2021 10:05

I think re the food @MiddleParking it's cos eldest has issues with food (like, proper medical based ones that means he's partly tube fed) with huge aversion to things so he's always been allowed to try anything of either plate if that means he'll try. So it's just seemed normal. I'd still end up with two kids in my lap to DHs none and they're at full on tantrum age so I'd rather cuddle them than put them in the floor to scream. But back off my double cream

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/12/2021 10:07

Sleep train OP

Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2021 10:07

@stayathomer

It's their ages. Of course you love them but that still means you can be wrecked and need space too!! It changes really quickly and someday a friend will be telling you about their sleep woes and you'll realise what you got through!! Sorry am no help but just to let you know you're doing great even if it doesn't feel like it
I actually forgot TOTALLY what a crap sleeper eldest was until the twins started. It's like one day he just slept and I can't remember what we did or how or even what age 🙄😂 so a part of me knows you're right, it passes. But I'd quite like a deadline please 😄
OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2021 10:08

@voxnihili sending gin and wishes for long solitary wees. Thankfully when we were shielding the first summer they were tiny so had to roll places!!

OP posts:
MrsJBaptiste · 27/12/2021 10:11

Have you got twins OP? Or do you have a 6 year old and two smaller children?