What makes good grandparents?

[Enzbear]

We're about to become grandparents. Our dc and partner's baby due around 1st January.
We have a pretty good relationship with them both meet up regularly, try to help out when we can and had them over for a lovely Christmas day.
Met my friend last week and they are not allowed to see their two grandchildren because of a fall out. They're heartbroken.
While I don't think that they have done anything particularly bad and don't think, god forbid, that will happen to us, it got me thinking as I see a lot of moaning on here about interfering/overbearing/selfish/non existent etc grandparents.
To those who have great relationships whether you are the parents or grandparents what makes it work? Any tips?

First dws months, depending on yoyr relationship with your child's partner, be conscious of the difference between visiting and helping and being there all the time and interferi g 😂

Don't give advice unless it's asked for!

My mil used to drive me bonkers, she would turn up every Sunday morning and stay about 3 hours, even though she lived about 30p yards away! She made a point of shriek g when she entered the room to make sure the baby spotted her but it just resulted in her terrifying them! She was so caring but just seemed to get a bit octet excited...

Offer a much help and support as you are happy to do, but mention its not a problem if its not taken up.

I hope your grandchild arrives safe and well and you enjoy bei g grandparents!

Be supportive but not interfering

Respect the parenting decisions of your dc and partner

Don’t make demands of when you can see grandchild etc

It's lovely that you're even asking!

My pet hate was when they wouldn't give my baby back to me when he was crying, I would have been able to settle him instantly but they always insisted on doing it.

Apart from that my sons grandparents are all great, he adores them.

For him it's that they get down and play with him, they involve him in everything.

For us it's that they're really supportive but don't hover/interfere. My mum gives suggestions because she knows when I need it but the in laws don't which I like.

I think the main thing in the early days is just to be there when they need you. Drop meals round but don't insist on coming in. Don't over stay your welcome. Offer your help with housework but don't insist.

My children have two sets of Grandparents who have both been a bit disappointing if I'm honest so I will tell you things they do/don't do which I hve promised myself I will/won't do if I become a Grandparent.

They won't comitt to anything until the last minute so If we ask of they could have the kids overnight on a certain day so we can go to an event they will say they will let us know nearer the time. Which is not helpful if we need to RSVP to a wedding invite for example. (They dont work so no idea why they can't just check their calendar and say yes or no at the time)

They are not interested in the kids activities, if we go to see them after a football match and DS has still got his kit on etc so very obviously just played they dont ask him how he got on, did he have fun etc they just don't acknowledge it at all. They picked DS up from a very important sporting event he had taken part in and didn't ask him how he got on, just talked about themselves for the whole journey. DS had been so excited to tell them about it.

They didn't adapt at all to having a baby/small child at family meals. They would expect a tiny toddler to sit patiently at the table while the adults would eat some sort of starter they couldn't have and then make it known they didn't approve when they got bored/hungry. They would also expect them to eat weird and wonderful very adult type food and if they didn't like it say things like "I bet he lives on chicken nuggets at your house"

They would also spend hours in the kitchen over the aforementioned food and then when it is time for us to leave complain they haven't had any time to spend with the grandchild as they have been busy in the kitchen. I told them numerous times I would rather we ate a frozen pizza and they played with the baby but everytime it was the same.

@Riverlee

Be supportive but not interfering

Respect the parenting decisions of your dc and partner

Don’t make demands of when you can see grandchild etc

This

Don’t correct the grandchildren when their parents are there. Their children, their rules.

Tbh it mostly depends on your relationship with the parents and how open/confident, welcoming they are. For some you wont be able to do right for doing wrong.

Don't interfere in parenting decisions

Don't turn up unannounced

Make a fuss of the children

Offer childcare as/when you can. I'd give anything for our relatively young, retired PILs to help out but they never ever do, even as a one-off. It doesn't foster much goodwill tbh.

The fact you care enough to ask suggests you'll be a lovely supportive GP. You'll get it back a million times over.

As the mother of the man in the marriage I think it's important to build up a personal relationship with the DIL from the start- a relationship based on respect and liking each other which sees the DIL as a woman in her own right and not as the wife of my son.
Once that's in place and both sides have a good idea of the other's boundaries it makes everything so much easier.

Support but not interfere. That's all, I think.

I'd say be supportive but not interfering. Treat the DIL like a person in her own right and not just a vessel for your DGCs.

Offer to help with housework and don't just sit there any hold the baby. Don't give advice unless asked for.

The fact that you're considering this means you'll be good grandparents.

Thanks all
Lots of helpful advice.
I think it helps that they are pretty laid back, like us.
Can't help with childcare much as we are both working still, but we will happily babysit, as will other grandparents, one of whom is retired. Mother is having a year off work anyway and probably will just be part time.

I hugely appreciate that dmil refrains from comment on the things we do as parents that she wouldn't have done, I wish dm would learn this! The most important thing I would say is not to make extra work for the parents (usually mum) when visiting when the baby is tiny, and be effusive with praise for how wonderful the baby is and how well the parents are doing.

I think not becoming extra work is really important. For example, when you go and visit say “how about we come over and I’ll bring dinner with us”, rather than sitting on the sofa for three hours expecting to be waited on.

Ask before buying any big purchases - whether it’s an expensive toy or a cheap one that’ll take up a lot of room.

Understand that parenting advice has moved on - you might think babies need purée from 3 months and that waiting til babies are six months for baby led weaning is cruel and a choking hazard (can you tell that’s what my mother told me 😂 ) however your DC is now the parent and it’s up to them to make these decisions

Don't do anything that will make the parents life harder even if you think you're just giving your grandchildren a nice treat. Would you like a giant electronic keyboard that plays the Peppa pig theme tune in your lounge? It starts on full volume when switched on and off but you can't get rid of because beloved granny bought it, no? So don't buy it no matter how fun you think the 2 year old will find it (I'm talking to you MIL!) My DH and I used to have the same argument at 11pm every Friday night because my MIL had had her special afternoon with our toddler DD while I worked but would bring her home so hyper and full of sweets, chocolates and bags of new toys she would stay awake half the night and vomit up all the chocolate. Totally wrecked our weekend. She just laughed at me when I tried to change what she was doing and doesn't understand why she's never had DD2 unsupervised.

I don’t think it’s about trying to do this or not do that, you’ll drive yourself crazy and put everyone edge. I think it’s about making sure that you’re attitude towards their family as a whole is right and healthy.

Mainly that they are the family unit and you are a supportive extra. That they are the parents and you are not. That your relationship with the kids is important and can be a wonderful thing but it’s secondary to the ones they have within their family and always will be.

It’s a hard adjustment to make, and involves letting go of the role you’ve for a long time. But fundamentally I think if you genuinely respect their family and aren’t trying to make it about you, then you’ll be ok.

It’s lovely that you care about this, but please don’t overthink it. Trying too hard will make it more stressful for everyone! Just roll with it and take your queues from the parents as time goes on.

Judging from some of the posters on here, they should stay in their box unless required and keep their mouths shut.

My grandparents were incredibly interested in what we were doing. My mum encouraged us to phone them to tell them about getting a badge in brownies, sports day at school and so on, to the point that I ran to the phone box to tell them my A level results (the old days!) They always remembered EVERYTHING we told them so the next time we saw them they’d say, “did you enjoy that party you were looking forward to?”

They would ask what we wanted for Christmas and birthdays and get just the right thing. No one else ever did this, certainly not our parents.

If we went over, they would cook what we liked to eat with a choice of 2 puddings!

They made everything fun so going to Wolverhampton market with my grandma was a highlight.

They never badmouthed our parents.

They were relentlessly positive towards us. When I told my grandma I was getting divorced, she did a little dance in the kitchen.

Don't turn up uninvited unless it's to deliver wine or food lol. Don't stay too long when you are invited. Soon as the baby is old enough offer to have them for an hour here and there so they can get some rest. That's what I liked anyway haha.

From the other perspective I'm spending Christmas with my grandparents now, I'm in my 40's, they're in their 90's so I can look after them now. I'm much closer to them than my parents. What they did was show unconditional love and interest in me, remembered what was important to me, and made me feel their home was a second home to me where I always felt welcome. I'm assuming from my mum's perspective they provided childcare in the school holidays because I was here most of the holidays, but from a place of loving spending time together rather than obligation.

My MIL is heavily involved and has been brilliant with the kids.

For me the main thing is that she has an interest in the children and is supportive of our relationship with them, plus she is still interested in her son and I. So many people basically have zero interest in their adult children anymore once they have grandkids.

MIL offers help and genuinely means it when she offers to do the dishes so SIL or I could have time with our newborn. It was about help not just about time with the baby.

She offered advice, but also asked questions. So when one of mine had colic she told me what they used to do, but in a "What do they suggest now? When I was Mum it was X, Y and Z, but that must have changed about a dozen times since then?"
That had a double edged side of giving me more suggestions, but also opened the chat about current ways and, most importantly, the way we wanted to do things.

We also talked a lot about my relationship with my grandparents, DH's relationship with his, and what we hoped for our children with their GPs. That really helped us find our way through.

Recognise that things have changed since your day. My mum saw herself as an expert because she was a health visitor, but since she retired advice has changed, eg weaning age now much later.

Just go with the flow. Offer to help, show interest and don't give unwanted advice.
Most importantly enjoy being grandparents

This is lovely of you to ask.

Consider the new parents as well as the baby - when I had my first child my dad/stepmum insisted on arriving to visit 10 minutes after DD and I had arrived home after a traumatic birth and haemorrhage, I was completely exhausted and felt awful and they sat on the sofa passing her between them for four hours. They meant no harm, it was just thoughtless and I wasn’t up to standing up for myself. Also agree with others about passing baby back to mum when it cries/is hungry, I found this so so difficult when people refused to give my babies back, even if they were grandparents!

The thing my DCs grandparents are great at is taking an interest (even if fake!) in their interests and I really appreciate this. They’ve also worked with us as parents to encourage reading - both my mum and dad will continually buy books for them.

No idea about any of your financial situations obviously, but we were broke after DC2 was born (I’d had to take extended sick leave during pregnancy) and my dad picked up on this and offered to buy their winter coats and DD’s school shoes and I was so so grateful.

Like other pp I can tell you what to avoid ....

1. Don't question every single parenting decision and then qualify it with a "didn't do that in my day". It's beyond aggravating having to justify everything to grandparents. E.g. I asked my mum to remove my daughter's padded coat before going in the car seat. They're dangerous to wear in car seats as they affect the fit. My daughter arrives home boiling to death in a padded coat with a fleece blanket tucked under the harness. Apparently that's ok because back when I was a baby they didn't even have car seats.... I won't let my mum drive them anywhere now because she won't listen. There's lots of other examples ...

1. Offer help if you can or clarify the help and involvement you want at the beginning. Both sets of grandparents wanted to provide childcare for our first (they offered!) - until I returned to work when they decided they didn't want to despite working full time shifts so 3/7. I found out 2 weeks before I returned to work so effectively had to blow my career up by going part time. I haven't minded that but it was a massive shift in thinking to make over 2 weeks and it was also a huge shock to our family finances. We barely scrape by now and that is now a source of their comments towards us as we rely on buying secondhand stuff for the kids/ have ran up debt on basic expenditure.

1. Don't make it about you. It's not about you. Once that baby arrives everything they will do will be geared towards the baby- it's nothing personal to you.

Isn't it sad that grandparents are worried about being grandparents.