What makes good grandparents?

[Enzbear]

We're about to become grandparents. Our dc and partner's baby due around 1st January.
We have a pretty good relationship with them both meet up regularly, try to help out when we can and had them over for a lovely Christmas day.
Met my friend last week and they are not allowed to see their two grandchildren because of a fall out. They're heartbroken.
While I don't think that they have done anything particularly bad and don't think, god forbid, that will happen to us, it got me thinking as I see a lot of moaning on here about interfering/overbearing/selfish/non existent etc grandparents.
To those who have great relationships whether you are the parents or grandparents what makes it work? Any tips?

Cravenly hope you might be allowed to hover on the edge of the new real family, don't speak unless spoken to, know your place, provide unlimited support on demand but not in any way that might be viewed as interfering, always look for practical jobs, preferably in another room, you can do when visit no so the mum and dad can revel in the baby, and above all remember you are a has-been ignorant old fart.

That's what i took from the PPs.

You sound lovely!

Here are my suggestions.

Be interested in your grandchildren. Arrange to see them regularly, sit and talk to them or play with them. Don’t be always hurrying off. DM is brilliant at this.

Conversely, do consider the parents. Try and strike a balance between spoiling and treating your grandchild and not getting them too hyped up on sugar/making them sick/buying huge loud irritating toys that they have to fit in their tiny sitting room, or similar. Be aware too that other grandparents, aunties and uncles will also want to buy the grandchild things at Christmas and on birthdays so resist the temptation to go too far. When baby is born, understand if they don’t want to have visitors while they’re still being stitched up after the birth, and understand that adjusting to parenthood will be hard and they may need support.

How lovely of you to ask We're very lucky to have my Mum and Step Dad, plus my in laws.

In the last month of my pregnancy, my Mum batch cooked some meals to go in our freezer for the first few days we were home. When she came to see our daughter for the first time, she came prepared with snacks stuff and drinks to feed the 5000!

Both my Mum and my Mother in Law have our daughter one day each a week. We were fully prepared to stick her in nursery 5 days a week but they both insisted they'd love to help which truthfully, has saved us a fortune.

They don't interfere but give advice whenever we ask.

I had a good relationship with my MIL until I had children. Then she became this lump that turned up at the crack of dawn every week and stayed until after dinner and did absolutely sod all apart from drink tea (that I made) and stare at me. All bc her son couldn't be arsed to see her at the weekend.

Got so bad, I arranged a child activity to avoid her for half the day and I was on edge the whole time when she was there.

Now divorced, not seeing her ever is the silver lining.

My parents are super. Genuinely interested in the kids, helpful in care, thought and chores around the house without asking. And as a result have a close relationship with the kids.

In a nutshell, don't be a useless lump or worse, a burden.

Just to add - here are some things that the grandparents of my kids have done that I’ve promised myself I won’t do.

Ignored requests for any help at all when baby was new and I was really struggling
Argued with other grandparents (this was my MIL and FIL who have been divorced since DH was 4) at family occasions, badmouthed them in front of children, or argued about how often we were seeing other grandparents
Criticised the state of my house (DM)
Badmouthed me or DH, in front of the children (MIL)
Disregarded how we wanted to parent, or jumped in when we were telling off the kids
Had a go at me (MIL) for wanting my mum to be there around the time I was having DS2 (she’s my mum ffs, it’s not even like MIL has ever been particularly nice to me) while treating me entirely as a shopsoiled vessel for providing grandchildren

And here’s some things they did right:
Love and listen to the grandchildren completely unconditionally (DM and MIL)
Arrange to see them regularly
Be interested in the things they are doing and celebrate when they do well
Help with homework if they’re there when there’s homework to be done

My parents are terrible grandparents. They almost never arrange to see the kids, never phone, and when they do see thrm they tell them off and criticise them a lot. They bring them random presents, like jelly sweets but the kids are vegetarians. Or something cheap from the pound shop. But Christmas presents are also random. Tops in colours they don't like etc.
I think the most important thing is to show you care. Take an interest. Don't shower them with useless gifts. Just enjoy them and show you enjoy them.

The fact you are even worried about this shows you have great intentions to be the best grandparents you can be. The best advice I could give (as a DIL) is to never forgot to be parents to your kids first. They will need your emotional support too as they make the transition into parenthood (especially the mum to be as she navigates postpartum/identity etc). Let them know you love and care for the baby (of course) but make sure they know you also love and care about them too! You don't have to agree with all their parenting decisions but always respect them and let them know you will honour their decisions for their babies. I'd also say give them space and time to adjust and keep the lines of communication flowing always. It's always better to have hard conversations if need be if it means it improves the long term relationships! Congratulations!

Adding to what others have said, I think being consistent is really important. My DPs were hugely involved in DC1’s life despite living about 200 miles away. Then DC1 started school (restricting travel opportunities as we can only really visit in school holidays now), my DSibling (who lives locally to them) had their DC1, I had DC2 (which DC1 took badly) and Covid hit, all within a matter of months.

This has all had a huge impact on the relationship and effectively I have to drive contact now, as well as accepting we pose a greater Covid risk (one of my DPs is CEV). So DC1 has effectively gained a sibling and a cousin but the relationship with his extended family has changed hugely, and that’s had a massive impact on him.

So my advice would be not to establish a relationship you can’t sustain under normal life pressures. In our case, there have been a number of factors that nobody saw coming, including Covid, but it is increasingly clear that my DPs will prioritise the local grandchild now over my DCs because it’s easier, and that hurts.

Mine are mostly good but some don'ts.

Respect and support their choices regarding feeding, sleeping, weaning. Read up on current guidelines ideally, but refrain from judging either way. Don't take them doing something differently from you as a personal judgement.

If they tell you something about safety that you didn't have 'in your day' try to remember it. The third time FIL said 'can you not just put some cushions around her' in the cot I wanted to throttle him.

Don't assume you will be having the baby alone or overnight on your own timescale. Don't buy a cot for your house, or a car seat for your car, unless they suggest it.

@Riverlee

Be supportive but not interfering

Respect the parenting decisions of your dc and partner

Don’t make demands of when you can see grandchild etc

This is it in a nutshell.

I do a lot for my daughter's children - was her birth partner, stayed for a few weeks and did all her housework, have a regular day with the kids even now ( they are 10 and 13) where I pick them up from school, take them to the park, then home and make tea for everyone before heading home. I've done that every week for 13 years, but in that time I've never questioned what my DD does with them or given unsolicited advice. When her daughter was diagnosed with autism I educated myself about it, so I could be supportive and understanding.

You can't go wrong if you are , as pp said, supportive but not interfering. Congratulations on becoming a new grandparent !

I think the fact that you're even asking means you will be brilliant.

I don't know if you have more than one dc but down the line, what I would say is avoid favouritism. My MIL will literally sit talking at length about her other DGC, or looking at pics of them on her phone, while ignoring my child who's sitting in front of her. It's so horrible and while I've worked to detach from it for my DC's sake, it's obviously very hurtful.

Anyway - I think showing that you love the child will be enough. Congratulations!

This is quite specific but my mum would take my baby for a walk once a week for an hour. At the time it felt like a spa day 😂 it was my chance to catch up on anything I wanted/shower etc. Such a small thing but very big to me!

Tell the mother and father they are doing a good job! My parents in law have literally never said this. Ask the parents if they would like some time to go out or spend some time alone together while you have the kids ( when they are ready to leave them). Don’t criticise them. Don’t buy them a mountain of toys for Christmas or birthdays when there is nowhere to put anything. Be interested in what they are doing but don’t try to force your way into private family time. Offer to take the kids out places either alone or all together. Invite everyone over for Sunday lunch or whatever. Play with the kids, don’t just sit on sofa while they play.

Just remember that you're grandma not mum. My MIL doesn't just step on toes she shoes my foot in her mouth. We had a brilliant relationship previously but not now.

Respect decisions and don't go on and on about how it was done in the past. New parents following current guidelines isn't an attack on how you did it 30 years ago. It's just different now.

I hope you all get on brilliantly. It can be a lovely time! Xx

Ask them how they want you to manage things if you are babysitting.
Be supportive by doing things their way.

Phone up sometimes.
Ask about the children.
See them at least once a year or two.

Oh and in the early days, don't disappear every time the baby is breast-fed.

Distance and age meant my expectations of involvement weren't particularly high, but some interest would be nice. One could have seen my children in the past two years if she was bothered.

For me, the difference is being 'keen' but not overbearing. My in laws seem to genuinely want to spend time with their grandchildren, offer to take them now they're older and always interested in them. Whereas my lovely aunt to us and her actual grandchildren has given the vibe that she's doing things because it's expected of her, she's lovely when you're with her but she never initiates or offers.

Also, try to support the family as a whole in the early days, so do the washing up rather than hold the baby, and read up on the latest parenting advice on sleep, weaning, discipline etc.

GP here and we have a good relationship with our DD and her husband.

My advice. Be supportive without interfering. Remember it is their child not yours and they may have different parenting styles to when you had children so follow their rules not yours. Take an interest in your grandchildren and make an effort to form a close bond without being too clingy. Do not make it a competition between you and PIL.

From the beginning we have offered help from when our DGDs were born but not pushed it if not accepted. Generally it has been though as I think they realised that bringing up children is hard and having help makes life easier for them.

Um.. Ask don't force?
It's not a competition, they will make mistakes, they are their mistakes to make?
Ask what presents dc Would like at Xmas, ask if you can buy x don't foist huge gifts on them.
Perhaps they would rather have membership to local farms etc soft play.

Don't insist on foist cakes on them or stockings, insist the child is formula fed, tell the mum she's disgusting for eating chocolate whilst bf... Etc etc... Be kind, thoughtful and be open so they can be honest with you.

What did your friends do that you don’t see as that bad but mean their DC don’t want them seeing the grandkids? That’s useful info as in my experience it’s got to be pretty bad for disagreements to turn into no contact at all.

Thanks to everyone for the helpful replies
AnneLovesGilbert It was about money. I know my friends have been very generous with their DD and her family and had only recently bought them some new furniture, but DD asked them for some money for a holiday shortly after and they said no. She argued saying that they weren't supportive and despite several attempts to communicate they haven't seen her or family since, even over Christmas.

@Enzbear

Thanks to everyone for the helpful replies AnneLovesGilbert It was about money. I know my friends have been very generous with their DD and her family and had only recently bought them some new furniture, but DD asked them for some money for a holiday shortly after and they said no. She argued saying that they weren't supportive and despite several attempts to communicate they haven't seen her or family since, even over Christmas.

I would never assume you know the real behind any falling out just because you’ve heard one persons side.

articfoxed No but that's not really what the thread is about though so don't want to discuss it further.
Just looking for helping hints and tips and so far so good.

Helpful

Look at your needs and expectations in the situation. Eg you cold be expecting certain levels of access, or for the children to be brought up with similar values, or even that you will feel all the love that you have ever lacked, or that these children will somehow meet your needs in other ways.
Once you’ve been honest with yourself, and set those needs aside you’ll be ready to respond to the child and the situation they are born into without any hidden agendas. It’s these hidden agendas that are the root of most family fall outs.
You could think of yourself as being “ in service” to the situation, then you’ll be able to respond to needs.

It’sa big ask of yourself, but really worth it to build gorgeous relationships with your grandchildren and their parents.