Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Argh being autistic at Christmas

37 replies

TinyTimTim · 25/12/2021 23:13

Fucking hell I can't hack it.

Anyone else? I always end up overwhelmed and in tears.

Drink too much to cover up the unease.

Hate Christmas. Next year I just want a duvet day.

OP posts:
kokokokokokokokoko · 25/12/2021 23:14

Flowers op i get it. can you escape next yr??

Original poster
TinyTimTim · 25/12/2021 23:17

Next year I've suggested to DH we fuck off somewhere hot.

I just can't handle the "fun" big family Christmas. Are you the same?

OP posts:
Original poster
TinyTimTim · 25/12/2021 23:23

I'm going to go to bed and watch a film on the laptop.

I can hear mil suggesting trivial pursuit 😭😭

OP posts:
Mumteedum · 25/12/2021 23:27

My son is autistic. Although it's been fairly low key, we've both ended up in tears. I'm learning. I think all the presents actually stress him out. (And his bluddy father...-divorced). Like one gift wasn't great and he got really fixated on it and upset that it wasn't right.

He couldn't eat his dinner either. He was much happier when I said he didn't have to and to go chill out. He went upstairs on his tablet for ages which seemed to help. Then I was left feeling shit.

I'm sorry it's hard for you. Wish it was easier to get things right for my boy. I don't want him stressed by things which are meant to be happy.

Original poster
TinyTimTim · 25/12/2021 23:33

I'm sorry it's hard for you. Hope you and your boy are ok.

I think it's the expectation and buildup that's hard. I want everyone else to have a nice time but don't know how to slot in with it all.

OP posts:
santaclothes · 25/12/2021 23:36

It's so hard isn't it? We have our Christmas dinner on Boxing Day because I can't cope with everything on the same day. Christmas Day is for presents and easy food - Boxing Day is the Turkey and trimmings. It's taken 20 years of family Christmases to learn what works best for us all - 2 of the DC are also autistic

WoodenReindeer · 25/12/2021 23:36

These things help us -

We plan an easy dinner (aunt bessies etc) and make sure theres food every member will tolerate. Today we had roast chicken and ham, sprouts etc but also cheese stuffed crust pizza. (Food issues)

Each child has said what treat food they want and could expect it to come (liquorice/chocolate) as a treat for the day.

We have cut down manic people visiting. None on xmas day. Just us. This year at home xmas eve and only visitir in the afternoon so evening to calm down as family with a film. (Reduce overwhelm)

We had a rough agreed plan for the day first. This has been talked about over the last week or so with everyone contributing. They didnt want to go out did want presesnts all done first. Games in afternoon. Movie at night. Already planned (boy called christmas)We had breaks between things where it was completely acceptable to go have a rest/space/read a book. This helped. (Predictability/plan/ownership of plan/planned breaks to reduce overwhelm.)

They told us what the presents they wanted were. Some autistic families even like to know that they ARE getting X for definite and dont like the surprises. I dont like surprises at all and husband and I dont do gifts or buy myself a plant etc. One kid did a powerpoint of their chosen things. We talked through that we qould choose from the list but not guarantee we would get it all. (Clear expectations.)

Tomorrow we aren't seeing anyone til lunchtime to give time to recover a bit.

We have in the last week reduced national trust visits erc (also covid) not hyped up pantomimes etc but used the week off as a week to chill and reduce stimulation. Both kids have relaxed a lot more compared to when I tried to fit lots in. One or two planned local things and the rest a lot of free time.

This year has been the best ever. All these things are things we are learning work for us and may sound nuts to others but helps so much.

Mumteedum · 25/12/2021 23:38

Do those around you understand what you need? Or is it too hard to articulate?

I think expectations and build up are definitely the shit side of Xmas for most people , neuro typical or not! I think there's a big mismatch between what I think is low key and what my son does.

We're doing absolutely nothing tomorrow. I'll try and take his lead.

WoodenReindeer · 25/12/2021 23:39

I think I had to let go of expectations of how it "ought" to be and leant into what we all enjoy. Simpler is easier. We can get into a strange loop of expecting them to be grateful for our effort to make things they dont want or a crazy elaborate meal they are not interested in and then they wonder why we are upset when they meltdown.

Original poster
TinyTimTim · 25/12/2021 23:40

Thank you for your posts.

I feel much less alone.

I think I need to stop trying to "perform" and provide the typical Xmas for the sake of everyone else.

I'm going to be very hungover tomorrow but I'm looking forward to a day watching the football in my pyjamas.

OP posts:
TheOneWithTwoParties · 25/12/2021 23:42

Do skip it if it's too much for you OP. People might protest but why is their happiness more important than your own? They'll soon get used to it.

We stopped the big family Christmases a few years ago as my autistic kids just couldn't cope and had a miserable time. We are much happier as our small family, doing the day the way we want. You shouldn't have to be miserable every Christmas.

BoredAndUnfulfilled · 25/12/2021 23:46

I hate the whole thing! It’s a month of sensory overload, and then the day itself throws my routine outta whack and I end up pissed off and bitching. Admittedly being newly single this year has helped a bit, but the ex decided the childcare arrangements due to his work and it’s ended up being a nightmare, with DS being bloody exhausted and on the verge of meltdowns for most of the evening. DS and I are both high functioning and although he was massively excited about Christmas it’s been obvious all day that it’s been too much for him.
Thankfully I have a couple of days to myself now to get back into my routine and hopefully DS will be better tomorrow now that the big day is finally over. I try to keep things pretty low key usually but with all the chaos of us separating and finding our way through the whole co-parenting thing, things were a bit difficult this year. It didn’t help that I’ve felt like shit all day after having my booster yesterday either tbh, but we got through it. Fingers crossed next year will be easier!

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 25/12/2021 23:47

I was so looking forward to a quiet xmas at PILs and we had a lovely evening, then this morning SIL and her family showed up. Its not that I dont like them but they are ALWAYS there and there was constant background noise. We came home after lunch and I just hid under my duvet for 3 hours. DS who has an asd diagnosis was the same.

WoodenReindeer · 25/12/2021 23:49

We had difficult years telling some family "No" we wouldn't be seeing them xmas day and that we wanted to be home but now on yr 3 they have "got" that.

And had to "let go" of a "perfect " christmas/"perfect" meal/etc

And Ive had to not get caught up in all the other mums going to pantomimes/santas/lapland/etc and try to keep our december weekends calm.

But its been so worth it this year. Many years in and its worked for all of us.

Original poster
TinyTimTim · 25/12/2021 23:50

Exactly! It's just non stop sensory overload isn't it.

I think me and DH (also not NT) would be happy to scrap the whole thing but our family would be upset.

It's just not fun. I'd much rather have a domino's and films day.

OP posts:
Original poster
TinyTimTim · 25/12/2021 23:54

It's so hard. I feel like I ruin Christmas every year.

OP posts:
Lockdownbear · 26/12/2021 00:00

@santaclothes

It's so hard isn't it? We have our Christmas dinner on Boxing Day because I can't cope with everything on the same day. Christmas Day is for presents and easy food - Boxing Day is the Turkey and trimmings. It's taken 20 years of family Christmases to learn what works best for us all - 2 of the DC are also autistic
That actually sounds like a fab idea! Christmas always seems like so much going on in one day, gifts, and family get together with lots of food.
BoredAndUnfulfilled · 26/12/2021 00:04

You can see the family the rest of the bloody year. Do Christmas your way, even if that means not doing Christmas. It might be difficult for others to understand, but they need to appreciate that being non NT is bloody hard work and that you are just as entitled to enjoy Christmas as they are. If they don’t like it, screw ‘em. I may be slightly cynical but our brains are wired differently and what’s fun to them can be absolute bloody torture for us.

Original poster
TinyTimTim · 26/12/2021 00:07

@BoredAndUnfulfilled

You can see the family the rest of the bloody year. Do Christmas your way, even if that means not doing Christmas. It might be difficult for others to understand, but they need to appreciate that being non NT is bloody hard work and that you are just as entitled to enjoy Christmas as they are. If they don’t like it, screw ‘em. I may be slightly cynical but our brains are wired differently and what’s fun to them can be absolute bloody torture for us.
Thank you.

It's not fun is it. It's just not.

OP posts:
WoodenReindeer · 26/12/2021 00:08

You and your husband matter. If you want dominos and dvds absolutely do it. We've discussed doing papajohns one year.

Why do you feel your families happiness is more important rhan your own? Agree to see them a different day but "do christmas" at home. Honestly deciding its okay to do what works for us has been lifechsnging . I realise I'm properly evangelical about this now!

MobyDicksTinyCanoe · 26/12/2021 00:09

We have two Autistic adults in the house, Christmas day is very low key with lots of naps and sitting in different rooms. We don't even have dinner until 7pm. It really works for us.

Original poster
TinyTimTim · 26/12/2021 00:13

I'm loving these posts.

They make me feel less weird. I'm v excited about a day of quiet tomorrow with a take away and lots of football. No guests!

OP posts:
Jinglemychristmasbells · 26/12/2021 00:15

DS has struggled all day he had several meltdowns he struggled last year too. We only had a small Xmas and he struggled next year I think its potato waffles and chicken strips for dinner and a small amount of presents.

crackofdoom · 26/12/2021 00:18

Can relate.

Thing is, I think a lot of people don't really like their normal, day-to-day lives- are in jobs they hate, are quite bored etc. Me, I've worked hard to carve out a life the way I want it- I'm self employed doing something I love, I'm a LP but the kids are at school, I have a great set of interests and hobbies and friends through those.

Come December, and everything hits the buffers with a grinding shriek. I don't WANT this horrible existence when all normal hobbies and pastimes stop because we're all supposed to be "seeing friends and family". Most of my friends are THROUGH my hobbies, and I find it quite difficult to arrange social meet-ups "just because".Luckily I've fallen out with my parents, because Christmases with them were just excruciating- but God, it's so difficult when everyone's going on and on and ON about fucking family!! The kids are off school and the weather is always appalling so it's hard to get them out for some fresh air, and basically I find the whole thing an overindulgent, claustrophobic ordeal.

Overdon · 26/12/2021 00:28

Yes we keep it low key, it helps that autistic DS doesn’t get all his presents all at once, He got his first present ( the big one) the after breaking up for Christmas hols, so he has a few days to happily focus on that. He knows what he is getting Christmas Day, and doesn’t get them all in the morning we save some for after lunch and leave one for Boxing Day. It saves sensory overload.
It was much harder when he was younger, he seems to cope better now he knows I buy the gifts and not Santa!
I’ve never bought into the perfect Christmas myth so it suits me fine.