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Original poster

Another difficult Xmas with adult DD

48 replies

Christmasinthebath · 25/12/2021 18:49

She is 25. Doesn’t live with us but in another city so don’t see her that often. In short she is a bully. I love her but there it is.

From the moment she arrived a couple of days ago she has been obnoxious which is basically her character. Goady and spiteful. Today just got worse as the day wore on. Demands we turn the beating of as she is hot. Dictates what is on TV. Bullies younger siblings. Dd12 is on the sofa with her at the moment watching some random film instead of playing with her new games as she like al of us is scared of her. Refuses to help clear up. Absolutely spoiling for a fight with me, DH or ds20 who has gone to his room as has DH. Just put on an 18 in front of dd12 to provoke a fight. DH now gone to bed. I hiding in the bath just wishing for the day to end.

It’s like this every year. If you stand up to her you give her what she wants which is a big shouting fight. She’s not like this all the time and can be sweet and fun. I can’t tell her she can’t come for Xmas as she would genuinely never speak to me again.

She has a new partner and I just find myself hoping she will spend Xmas with him next year. Which makes me feel incredibly guilty.

Just needed to vent. I know the advice will e to stand up to her but it ends up causing a horrible scene which is upsetting for everyone especially younger ones. They love her and look forward to seeing her and every time I hope it will be different and that she will have matured but it never is.

OP posts:
RoseRedRoseBlue · 25/12/2021 18:53

The only way you are going to deal with this is to either (I) not invite her again and tell her why or (II) invite her and then pick her up the minute she steps out of line.

WaltzingBetty · 25/12/2021 18:54

I think you need to get through today, but before she leaves you need to sit her down and tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable. If it results in a fight and a flounce then so be it. You are not responsible for her behaviour but you do need to stop enabling her bullying and rudeness.

Set Firm calm boundaries. Tell her she is welcome as long as she respects them. Refuse to argue, discuss or engage

Holothane · 25/12/2021 18:57

Tell her that’s the last Christmas your spending with her at 25 this behaviour is not acceptable. Younger teens is bad enough but 25 no.

MichelleScarn · 25/12/2021 18:57

Does she have friends/work? Can't imagine this stroppy, petulant behaviour going down well in the general world!

Bagelsandbrie · 25/12/2021 18:59

She’s emotionally blackmailing you. There’s no way she’d never speak to you again. She sounds like a teenager that hasn’t grown up.

MadMadMadamMim · 25/12/2021 19:03

This is utterly ridiculous. I have a dd of 25 who is a bloody adult - not a nasty, spiteful child. I imagine she has spoilt Christmas for your younger children and both you and DH seem to be terrified of her.

You describe her as a bully - which she is. Why are you allowing your younger children to be bullied by an adult in their own home? I would be telling her she couldn't come again until she learned to behave and treat people with respect. If she chooses not to come that's up to her. She's bringing no joy with her visits.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 25/12/2021 19:07

Sorry OP I know you have had a shitty day and I am not going to make it any better, Time to parent firmly,She has ruined your day and everyone elses because she knows how to get her own way and you let her do exactly that,You and dh are allowing this and enabling this sorry but you are,I have a 30 yr old and if he even at 30 dared treat me anywhere near how yours does he would be out the door and I would do so gladly,He would want me way before I ever needed him. Get her out the door until she can learn some manners and respect and how to be a decent human, You are barmy allowing this behaviour. Tiptoeing round any kid of mine no way. I am their parent not a casual acquaintance or friend,So wrong all this.

OvenBakedOwl · 25/12/2021 19:11

Sounds like someone I know of a similar age and she has a diagnosed borderline personality disorder

However of course I'm not suggesting that! Just reading your op, it sounded just like her

Just grit teeth until she goes. It's either that or you do what you want, shrug off the 'fear' of her and bloody ignore her

TheRemotePart · 25/12/2021 19:27

and make sure DH backs you up ,and not slopes off and leaves you to it.

2catsandhappy · 25/12/2021 19:37

I wonder what triggers all the spite and venom. Is she jealous that the younger dc are still at home? Irrational but I am struggling to think of any other resentments.
I hope you can salvage something later on when she has left.
All the best to you op xx

Ohyesiam · 25/12/2021 19:42

Family therapy, with or without her

TiddlesTheTiger · 25/12/2021 19:47

You describe her as a bully - which she is. Why are you allowing your younger children to be bullied by an adult in their own home? I would be telling her she couldn't come again until she learned to behave and treat people with respect. If she chooses not to come that's up to her. She's bringing no joy with her visits.

This.
And your DH needs to stand with you, on this, not hide under the duvet.

Prioritise the DC who actually live there, not this bully.

AnotherMansCause · 25/12/2021 19:47

Are you going to continue inviting her to spend Christmas with you for as long as she wants to come, potentially for many many years? Are you prepared not ever to see your other children at Christmas? They will likely choose not to come if they know that she will always have priority in all matters. This could be the future for your family - if she is as difficult to get on with as you say, she may have problems holding a relationship down long term. So, Christmases with her new partner may not happen.

It sounds like she is the priority when she clearly puts no-one else first, why is this?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 25/12/2021 19:49

My ds 27 isn't welcome here after atrocious behaviour in 2019..
Yanbu to ban awful people - even family ime.

PermanentTemporary · 25/12/2021 19:52

She can shout at you but you don't have to shout back.

She can come for Christmas but she can't behave like this. It might take a few visits where you take control a bit more and say no to some of her orders, she shouts, you ask her to leave, she storms out and doesn't contact you for a while. But I bet she always will eventually.

I agree with family therapy.

Frannibananni · 25/12/2021 19:53

You are choosing her over your other children, you don’t need to sit her down today but you do need to talk to her about her behaviour.

500ml · 25/12/2021 20:02

She has a new partner and I just find myself hoping she will spend Xmas with him next year.
You need to tell her she's not invited next year.
Your younger children are scared and bullied by her and both parents are off hiding.
If she can't or won't act reasonable she needs to not come. It's so unfair to your other children that they're scared and bullied in their own home.

Theunamedcat · 25/12/2021 20:03

@PermanentTemporary

She can shout at you but you don't have to shout back.

She can come for Christmas but she can't behave like this. It might take a few visits where you take control a bit more and say no to some of her orders, she shouts, you ask her to leave, she storms out and doesn't contact you for a while. But I bet she always will eventually.

I agree with family therapy.

Yup this ^

You cannot control her actions only your reactions to it so what if she screams and shouts the phrase lower your voice or leave my house can be your response

If she flounces she will return

LondonWolf · 25/12/2021 20:03

You say if you tell her she can’t come for Christmas she’d never speak to you again. What about your other children? What do you think they’ll think of you, once they reach adulthood? What will they think of you letting her bully them and spoil every special occasion for them?

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 25/12/2021 20:15

Tell her to buck up or piss off back hone!
She is ruining it for everyone and she knows she is.

PaniniHead · 25/12/2021 20:17

Stand up to her. Your younger kids will grow up soon and won’t want to come back through choice if that is what they have to put up with

JacquelineCarlyle · 25/12/2021 20:17

Goodness Op, that's awful. Do you know why she acts this way? It's really not fair on your other DCs to let her ruin the day like this so I do think you need to address it, but appreciate that's easier said than done.

SisterConcepta · 25/12/2021 20:35

You and DH need to put on your big pants and speak to her. You are enabling her behaviour and putting her needs before those of her siblings. Will it be ok in 6 years time that Ds and other DD won’t come home for Christmas because she is there? They may end up resenting you for pandering to her behaviour. I can’t imagine how hard this must be but you have to put boundaries in place with people like this.

Paranoidandroidmarvin · 25/12/2021 20:36

It must be awful. But I agree with other people. You are putting her above your other kids and they will remember that. You need to be making sure the younger ones are protected. She is old enough to know better. To be honest she sounds a bit like a narcissist and I know one of those.
My father has always got away with it as people always say it’s not worth the hassle or the arguments. We are now all grown up and my mum chose him over us. We don’t spend any time round there anymore.
This will happen to you.

MzHz · 25/12/2021 20:51

I’d go abroad, and tell her she’s not invited as you’re not repeating this shit every year.

Fuck it! She’s no loss to anyone

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