Another difficult Xmas with adult DD

[Christmasinthebath]

She is 25. Doesn’t live with us but in another city so don’t see her that often. In short she is a bully. I love her but there it is.

From the moment she arrived a couple of days ago she has been obnoxious which is basically her character. Goady and spiteful. Today just got worse as the day wore on. Demands we turn the beating of as she is hot. Dictates what is on TV. Bullies younger siblings. Dd12 is on the sofa with her at the moment watching some random film instead of playing with her new games as she like al of us is scared of her. Refuses to help clear up. Absolutely spoiling for a fight with me, DH or ds20 who has gone to his room as has DH. Just put on an 18 in front of dd12 to provoke a fight. DH now gone to bed. I hiding in the bath just wishing for the day to end.

It’s like this every year. If you stand up to her you give her what she wants which is a big shouting fight. She’s not like this all the time and can be sweet and fun. I can’t tell her she can’t come for Xmas as she would genuinely never speak to me again.

She has a new partner and I just find myself hoping she will spend Xmas with him next year. Which makes me feel incredibly guilty.

Just needed to vent. I know the advice will e to stand up to her but it ends up causing a horrible scene which is upsetting for everyone especially younger ones. They love her and look forward to seeing her and every time I hope it will be different and that she will have matured but it never is.

She sounds awful. I don't think putting up and shutting up is the right approach. Tell her no, if she starts fighting and shouting (the big reaction) tell her to stop or go home and follow through on this. If she bullies you, throw her out - you do not have to put up with this and the more you let go, the more she will continue to do to.

Putting an 18 film on for a 12yo is unacceptable, please tell me you have switched it off rather than allowed it to happen in order to placate a 25yo spoilt bully?

Sorry to ask, is she a full sibling to the other dc? Does she dislike them for any reason as she sounds absolutely horrific.

Think about what your 12 year old will say at school when they are asked about their Christmas day. You can't expose them to this, it isn't fair.

Thanks everyone.

The thing is, the younger dcs would be distraught if she didn’t come. They absolutely love her. When she’s bad she’s awful but she can also be so brilliant with them. Will sit for hours playing their new games, got them (and us) really thoughtful gifts. They miss her and count down the days till she’s here when she visits, the day she arrived they kept asking if it was time to pick her up from the station yet.

It’s not so much DH was hiding but he had to take himself out the room as she was needling him so badly he knew he would snap otherwise.

I know I need to address her behaviours. I think she probably does have a personality disorder tbh. I just need to find a way to do it that doesn’t cause a horrible drama.

And yes we turned off the 18 film!

Our grandaughter was an absolute diva today, and managed to put a complete dampener on lunch due to a massive strop over where she was sitting at the table.

However, she's 6, was over tired, over excited and beyond reasoning with.

At 25, your DD hasn't got that excuse.............you created this monster OP, and you need to end her reign of terror.

You need to have some firm words with her, and please stop her bullying her 12 year old sister. I spent my entire childhood bullied by a sister with a similar age gap as between yours and I spent my late teens and twenties trying to gain her approval which I never did, it’s only looking back now with a daughter in her early 20s that I realised I would be horrified if she spoke to a child the way my sister used to speak to me.

I’d love to hear your daughter’s version of this. I think it would be very different.

Your priority needs to be protecting your younger children. I'm sorry to be harsh but you are parenting incredibly poorly here. You need to set appropriate boundaries for your 25 year old BUT you also need to model boundary setting to your younger children. Do you want them to end up with charismatic but abusive friends and lovers? Is that the life you want them to have?

Get her out tomorrow, lay down the law in a polite but loving fashion, leave her to tantrum. Tell your younger children you love them, you're sorry you haven't protected them from her behaviour and that that is changing now. None of us were put on this earth to serve the joy of others. She's 25 ffs. How long are you going to let her away with this bollocks?

they spend the whole time complaining about how many presents SIL’s dc get and saying how obscene it is that they get so much

only if you fight back - no means no, if she wants to fight then just tell her no - fight back you clam and quietly say no, if she storms out, well she gets to go home and the rest of the family get peace

sorry wrong thread top half.. to much wine

@smashingbaubles yes I thought that too. My dad spins a similar tale about me. He misses of the neglect/abuse and now the mental health problems I struggle with now which in all honestly probably do make me "spikey" around him/his partner as they trigger bad memories at times and are completely oblivious.

Not excusing anything but often when parents can't see good in their child there is a lot of blame and possibly somrthing else going on.

‘
‘I’d love to hear your daughter’s version of this. I think it would be very different’

Really. How unpleasant and unhelpful, as is the comment following this about my parenting poorly.

Such black and white thinking and lack of empathy in some of these replies.....I do wonder why people post sometimes, as they’re certainly not trying to offer support or genuine advice but rather seem to get a kick out of kicking someone when they are down. It’s just not as simple as some of you seem to think. In the real world relationships are a bit more complex especially when you are dealing with someone who has personality issues.

I know I am a good mum and all of my children have told me this today. I’ll take that rather than the opinions of a Mumsnet poster who doesn’t know me.

Thanks to those who have posted in good faith. To the others - I’m signing off now and will not be coming back to this thread so I suggest you find some other poster who’s feeling low on Christmas Day who you can have a go at.

@Christmasinthebath

‘ ‘I’d love to hear your daughter’s version of this. I think it would be very different’

Really. How unpleasant and unhelpful, as is the comment following this about my parenting poorly.

Such black and white thinking and lack of empathy in some of these replies.....I do wonder why people post sometimes, as they’re certainly not trying to offer support or genuine advice but rather seem to get a kick out of kicking someone when they are down. It’s just not as simple as some of you seem to think. In the real world relationships are a bit more complex especially when you are dealing with someone who has personality issues.

I know I am a good mum and all of my children have told me this today. I’ll take that rather than the opinions of a Mumsnet poster who doesn’t know me.

Thanks to those who have posted in good faith. To the others - I’m signing off now and will not be coming back to this thread so I suggest you find some other poster who’s feeling low on Christmas Day who you can have a go at.

I'm sorry it was difficult for you to hear. But please, please protect your younger children. They rely on you to do so. They need you to model appropriate boundary setting to them.

And I can assure you I am posting in good faith, having grown up with a sibling whose endless volatile behaviour caused me significant harm. Protect your younger children.

"I can’t tell her she can’t come for Xmas as she would genuinely never speak to me again."

I'm really not seeing the downside to a goady spiteful obnoxious bully whose younger siblings are scared of, never speaking to me again. Sounds like a win to me.

*Sounds like someone I know of a similar age and she has a diagnosed borderline personality disorder

However of course I'm not suggesting that! Just reading your op, it sounded just like her

Just grit teeth until she goes. It's either that or you do what you want, shrug off the 'fear' of her and bloody ignore her*

I have a family member like this. Also BPD. Now nobody goes to my parents at Christmas because we don't want to deal with her, and she spends the whole time bitching on social media about what a toxic messed up family we are for not wanting to get together at Christmas.

If you can't avoid these people, the only answer is 'grey rock', sadly.

You sound like my mum describing my sister (with whom I am now nc)

She is now in her 40s and still pulling crap like this!

I no longer enter into discussions with her on the matter as it's utterly pointless cos mum NEVER stands up to her.

It should have been nipped in the bud DECADES ago and she was like this as a kid and teen too and i suspect the same is true for your dd?

My mum let sister away with murder her whole life and let her walk all over her!

Please for all your families sake not today, after new year, go out for a coffee or something (not alcohol) and calmly BUT assertively make it clear to her you will no longer accept behaviour like this on ANY day of the year. But especially at special occasions

My sisters self centred pass agg digs and even tantrums have ruined sooo many special events for me and dd and my brother and my mum. Unless it's HER special event ie her birthday she's in a FOUL mood!

You know that line in die hard ?

"You'll have to forgive Ellis he gets very depressed this time of year. He thought HE was gods greatest gift you know?"

That's my sister to a tee!

Even her kids opening gifts from others prompts snide comments!

Seriously deal with this now. Quite honestly she takes the hump than she alienates your other dc from you cos you're not protecting them and standing up to her.

My dd is 20 if she ever DARED even THINK about behaving like this I'd come down on her like a ton of bricks! She wouldn't though!

She's at her dads this year and we were on phone to each other this morning and she was grumbling about being knackered and being woken up early by her younger brothers i sympathised but was clear that she needed to suck it up to some extent it's not fair to take her tiredness out on little kids that don't know better (they're under 10)

At 25 and this bad?! In your shoes I'd have invited her outside for a "walk to clear heads" and had stern words with her! Basically "pack it in or go home!"

and make sure DH backs you up ,and not slopes off and leaves you to it.

Not Fucking run away and hide like a 2 year old! Pathetic!

Yep united front all the way!

Also my ex and I have our issues but he'd back me 100% on this!

My brother and I haven't been to mums for Xmas in 9 years precisely BECAUSE of how sister is!

I agree with family therapy.

Me too

The thing is, the younger dcs would be distraught if she didn’t come. They absolutely love her.

But the bad isn't doing them any good! If an adult NOT related to then treated them like this what would you do? Even if they "loved" them? YOU are the parent YOUR job is to protect your non adult/younger dcs that are still dependent on you

Final straw for me is my sister started turning on my dd too! Fuck that an adult picking on a kid? They can FOTFSOFTFOSM!

I think dh "snapping" would've maybe been a good thing - if by snap you mean stern words and clear that it was unacceptable behaviour!

• OP if you’re kids love her , it’s maybe more they’re looking for her approval ?

I think the people posting about “her interpretation “ is maybe because there must be a reason for all this? Christmas a trigger for something? Is she the oldest? Resent the younger? Were you poorer when she was younger? I suppose you won’t know how she feels or why until you ask her?
But again, make sure DH is with you.

Sometimes people just plain old don’t get on .. my DH and I can spend only short amounts of time together before one of us ( usually her) is screaming …
Hope Boxing Day goes better

You need to consider your other dc. Why does your ds need to hide? And why does your dh get to avoid this drama?

My younger dc were often on the receiving end of older dc's shoddy behaviour.. I fact it was the youngest who sparked me going nc. When he was shot in the face with a Nerf bullet at close range. Younger ones now accept his behaviour warranted him having to stay away.

Mate, you’re the parent. Tell her what is acceptable and not acceptable and perhaps don’t drag the overwrought, tear keen story here with you if you aren’t open to constructive criticism. All it needs is for you to say that you can’t stop crying and we’ve hit jackpot.

No wonder she’s such a nightmare if you all hide from her instead of addressing her behaviour

Sound like you missed the bit where you taught your toddler no means no and they wondered why they are unbearable to hang out with

Get her told, if she kicks off then DEAL WITH IT

She is literally your responsibility. You created those behaviours and she going to find herself with no friends

I grew in fear of my cousin I lived with them he was six years older had cerebral pailsy and could thump me anytime he liked he was the golden child, I was the black sheep. At 16 I hit him back threaten I’d knock his head off if he ever hit me again. Today nc the whole family who are left. They’re dead to me as far as I’m concerned.