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Original poster

I'm waiting for the police to call.

267 replies

grecianurn82 · 25/12/2021 10:40

Sorry for bringing the mood down but i don't feel like i can talk to anyone in real life yet. To cut a long story short I haven't heard from my ex sunce Tuesday, we have 2 young children sonthis is very out of character. His phone appears to be off for the last 24 hours. He has adult children who text me this morning concerned as they hadn't heard from him. They've asked the police to call to do a welfare check. We're waiting for news. Its surreal, I'm here with the kids and their presents knowing that there's a good chance something awful has happened. Their dad wouldnt be in good health and has a history of addiction issues. I don't know why I'm posting, I've told my mum but I'm playing down how worried i am as she has family there and she's busy.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/12/2021 01:17

Ahh, @grecianurn82, I'm so very sorry to read the update - what a devastating blow for the children, adult and small - and for you too, horrible shock and now dealing with the aftermath.

I'm glad the police did finally get around to going in and doing the check - just as well it was them and not you Sad

Many (((hugs))) to you all - what a tragic time of year for you to have to deal with all of this. Thanks

LaBellina · 26/12/2021 01:23

So sorry op 💔

Dwrcegin · 26/12/2021 08:50

I'm very sorry OP Flowers

MrsLargeEmbodied · 26/12/2021 11:06

so sorry Flowers

Original poster
grecianurn82 · 26/12/2021 11:38

Thanks everyone, my friend stayed last night. She's gone home for a few hours and is coming back then. I've tried to explain to the dcs but they don't understand. Maybe thats better for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
grecianurn82 · 26/12/2021 11:49

I feel like such a hypocrite for being so upset. We've been separated 4 years and we definitely didn't always get on. I feel like i spent so much time complaining about him over things which seem so trivial and pointless now.

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 26/12/2021 12:11

So sorry for your loss @grecianurn

RandomMess · 26/12/2021 12:18

It's a loss and you are grieving for how he could have been and what your DC have and will lose out on.

Thanks
peridito · 26/12/2021 12:27

@grecianurn82

I feel like such a hypocrite for being so upset. We've been separated 4 years and we definitely didn't always get on. I feel like i spent so much time complaining about him over things which seem so trivial and pointless now.
oh sweetheart ,please please try not to go down this route .Anyone who has lost someone will recall and regret thoughts and deeds concerning the person who has died .

You're not a hypocrite - you're a thoughtful ,caring human being suffering and trying to process a loss .

PurplePansy05 · 26/12/2021 12:40

@grecianurn82 Not one person on here or in this whole world has always been perfect to others, never argued, or had a blissful relationship with ups and no downs. It sounds like you've been through a lot with him through his addiction and you've been looking after your children who also need your special care and attention. I don't know you, but just based on that you sound strong and caring. You're not to be blamed for what happened and the fact you were the one worrying about him and you're grieving so deeply now just shows how kindhearted you are. He was a big part of your life and always will be through your children. You're allowed to grieve. There's not a iota of hypocrisy in it. Flowers xx

happytoday73 · 26/12/2021 12:40

Oh OP I'm so very sorry.
Truly you are not a hypocrite.. You are in shock, just starting to grieve for someone who was an important person in your life no matter whether you always got on.
You are grieving for what possibly could have been but now can't... And your children's loss

So glad you have some real life support.. Sending you a big hug for the next few days and weeks and beyond

daretodenim · 26/12/2021 12:54

OP I'm so sorry for you, your children and his older children. My condolences.

I also wanted to say that it's OK you didn't get on, that you were his/he was your ex. It's life. We don't all get on with everybody - that would be impossible - and living people can be very annoying! But that doesn't mean you shouldn't/can't be impacted by the premature death of someone you had an ongoing relationship with (as in someone in your life, not a love relationship) who is also the father of your children. It's not helpful to think that way and if you need some rationality here, it means that nobody could ever dislike or be irritated by anybody ever, because everybody is going to die!

There's no right or wrong way to feel about this. Just let yourself feel whatever comes up. Messy and complicated, yes, but life is.

I'm sorry you're in this position.

Cornettoninja · 26/12/2021 13:55

@RandomMess

It's a loss and you are grieving for how he could have been and what your DC have and will lose out on.

Thanks

Exactly this. In some ways fraught relationships are harder to reconcile after a death because you lose that glimmer of hope that things can turn out okay in the end. It’s complicated but your grief is in no way hypocritical - you had children with him and any hopes for the kind of father you wish they had are completely gone. Plus you will be feeling their grief even if they’re not quite comprehending it right now, you know what realisations are in store for them even if you don’t know when.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/12/2021 10:25

@grecianurn82 - it's entirely understandable for you to be grieving your ex's death - you shared life, love and children, and your children (and his others) will be devastated by his death, so you're grieving for them too.
But still also for yourself - he was obviously a part of your life for quite some time, and even though you'd split, he was still the father of your children, so you still had that connection.

Be kind to yourself - grief is a strange animal, there are no rights or wrongs to the way you do it. Thanks

BookFiend4Life · 28/12/2021 00:32

OP a member of our family passed in the same way, almost the same circumstances though the kids were younger. I'm so sorry for your loss, grief is complex so just don't be too hard on yourself, feel whatever you need to feel. I can say a few years on, that his children are thriving and look back on their dad with a lot of joy. We all make sure to share our happy memories of him with them, they love talking about the good times we had with him. Best wishes to you all.

FireworkParrot · 28/12/2021 08:31

I agree that grieving someone you've had a difficult relationship with is complicated. DH lost his mum far too young to alcoholism. He had a difficult relationship with her due to her drinking throughout his childhood and when she died far, far too young he struggled a lot. Partly because he was grieving for what could have been, the relationship they would never have, all the things she'd miss out on and also because he said part of him felt relieved that it was over and she was free of her demons and wouldn't cause arguments anymore, then he felt guilty for feeling relieved and on and on. What I'd say is that things are much better now given time and he can remember the good times he had with his mum. It's a process you will have to go through and there'll be good and bad times along the way but you'll get there, I promise.

SmellyOldPartridgeinaPearTree · 29/12/2021 23:10

OP my mum was devastated when my dad died and they'd been divorced 15 years. They had a life together and children together, she lost a lifelong friend even if they weren't always friendly. even after divorce if you remain friends you're still a big part of each other's lives Thanks

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