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Original poster

Baby but living apart... Finances

44 replies

sociallydistained · 23/12/2021 07:12

Should my partner who doesn't live here (so we both pay our own bills) give me a financial contribution to our baby/childcare weekly/monthly when it's born?

Not an ideal situation but here we are. Accidental pregnancy but very much wanted. We had no plans to live together (he would like to, me not so much). I have my own place but its too small for both of us and he rents a place, equally as small. I felt I had to move in and we tried to sort this when I found out I was pregnant but it wasn't happening and caused a lot of stress so I decided to stay here for at least a year and he will be here as much as needed (he lives down the road)

When I go on maternity (soon and I'm due V soon) my mat pay will just about cover all my bills leaving little to no money for much else. I have savings and I'm only taking 6 months so it won't be life or death but I am still stressed and worried and I have always earned a full time wage and bought my flat by myself and always paid my mortgage alone, so this is new territory for me.

My issue is that as we've not combined bills obviously my partner has his own bills to pay, he also pays child maintenance for one child already. But nothing changes for him even financially. I am planning to ebf so I will also do all the nights realistically and he works away a few times a week with work so he'll get some decent sleep too... I do feel slightly resentful but mostly because there's been no offer of a a financial contribution to me and I assume most of the cost will fall to me with the day to day care of our baby. I know partner will do food shopping for us but he won't need to buy nappies, wipes (I'm doing reusable) or milk in these shops so again not much changes for him. My bills will presumably be higher with me here a lot more and the washing machine running about 4x more with the babies washing and nappies.

I am also doing all of our childcare when I go back at 6 months, taking baby with me. This won't be easy at all and gives me no break but I am willing to make it work (nanny so not working from home or anything!) . I am going part time so will obviously not earn what I did before but as I don't need to pay for childcare would like a couple of days at home with just our baby. Partner obviously doesn't have to worry about any childcare costs but comments he makes have bothered me and he clearly doesn't take this into consideration. For example, I said about getting a new car seat for when I go back to work and then he can have the current one in his car but I had asked him to buy an isofix base for the current one for his car... he said why don't I not bother and I'll just have this one when you go back and I'll contribute towards your new one.... why would he not just get the isofix now and also offer to pay for the new car seat since I'm doing all of the childcare! Everything seems to be "let me know and I'll pay half". It really bothers me as I have paid out so much already for the baby as I know what we need I tend to buy stuff (whilst I'm earning!) and I've not asked him to pay anything as I assume he will buy stuff we need also and yet that hasn't really happened. He's paid about £150 towards things when I've paid for some things he's asked me the price and paid half.... but the big items such as pushchair or car seat I've not asked for any contribution as my family kindly gave me a generous donation for those.
I have build up a nappy stash buying nappies every now and then from early pregnancy. I bought the reusable wipes kit which was £35 and my family have got me bulk packets of disposables so he'll never have to worry about wipe and nappy costs (or formula all being well!)

I know a discussion needs to take place but I wanted peoples opinions on if I'm being unreasonable to expect a set amount from him a week/month? I'm just worried about being miserable on maternity leave with lack of freedom because I need to save on fuel etc or going to meet a friend for a coffee isn't financially viable. I also expect I'll be the one out and about noticing things baby needs and I dread having to ask him as and when if he can pay towards items. I know if we split he would be paying CM and I sometimes feel I'd be better of single where there's no negotiation 🤦🏻‍♀️😩

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 23/12/2021 07:15

First of all, what surname is you baby getting ?

FelicityPike · 23/12/2021 07:16

Legally no, he only needs to pay maintenance.
Morally, yes he should pay half.

Original poster

sociallydistained · 23/12/2021 07:17

I know it's not the Mumsnet thing but his because I have no ties to my surname (it is my step dads name I have nothing to do with now and nobody else in my family has this name I just kept it for ease). He is happy for it to have my name but I prefer his because it actually has roots and will have the same surname as its half sibling 😬

OP posts:

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PurplePinecone · 23/12/2021 07:18

Can you have a discussion with him about giving you a set amount once the baby is here?

You will get child benefit. Have you looking into any other benefits? Once you have the baby you may be entitled to some universal credits?

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 23/12/2021 07:18

Yanbu. He doesnt sound like a good father in the making. How old is his current child if he has a car seat suitable for a baby in his car? What does he pay for them? Does he pay voluntarily? Tbh Id be going to cms so there no awkwardness about it. At 6 months you need to have a better plan than taking baby to work with you every day. Why did he not pay half for the big items?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 23/12/2021 07:18

Of course he’s expected to contribute - it’s his baby too.

Original poster

sociallydistained · 23/12/2021 07:19

@FelicityPike

Legally no, he only needs to pay maintenance. Morally, yes he should pay half.

I'm not even asking for maintenance because we're together but a lesser amount I guess. As it is he won't really be paying a thing formally because we're together but obviously will contribute towards food etc but without a formal payment most of the cost will fall to me in this situation like if I were single I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

sociallydistained · 23/12/2021 07:21

@FallonCarringtonWannabe

Sorry no he doesn't have a car seat suitable for a baby in his current car. I have asked him to get an iso fix base for the one baby seat we have.

He will do whatever I ask of him and I should just be blunt and say how much will you pay into my bank each week but I just feel so awkward about it and wish he'd offer tbh.

His child is 7.

OP posts:

CheddarGorgeous · 23/12/2021 07:23

Open a joint account and use that for all baby related expenses? You can then keep tabs on what each is contributing?

These are conversations that should happen as soon as possible after you decide to keep the baby.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, hope all goes well.

Original poster

sociallydistained · 23/12/2021 07:23

@PurplePinecone

Can you have a discussion with him about giving you a set amount once the baby is here?

You will get child benefit. Have you looking into any other benefits? Once you have the baby you may be entitled to some universal credits?

Thanks. Yes I do need to just ask although I have no idea how much. I don't need a lot just something I guess to give us more freedom.

I am not entitled to anything besides CB. I own my own home and am on stat maternity pay.

OP posts:

Anotherhill · 23/12/2021 07:24

Why would you have to split to be getting CM? Surely you can at least ask for that as a contribution.

Original poster

sociallydistained · 23/12/2021 07:25

@Anotherhill

Why would you have to split to be getting CM? Surely you can at least ask for that as a contribution.

See, I didn't know if this was unreasonable 😳

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/12/2021 07:26

As soon as the baby is born he should he paying at least what CMS calculates he should. Yes, as you are both in a relationship then items bought for the baby should be a shared cost.

Have you and he discussed a budget for these things?

Personally I think you would be mad to give the baby his surname as it doesnt sound like there is any longevity in the relationship, but each to their own!

The complication I see mainly here is that you wont be able to access any of the benefit support open to lone parents because you and he are in a relationship. Yet you both have the costs of running two homes.

ItsSnowJokes · 23/12/2021 07:26

You need to step up and just ask outright. Men don't get hints etc...... just ask what maintenance he will be paying.

ohlookitstwins · 23/12/2021 07:29

He should obviously be paying something towards your shared child, but I can't really see what you expect him to do. You don't want to live together, so he will also be paying out for the rent on a property plus paying what will essentially be child maintenance.
You can't expect anyone to subsidise your life just because you're having a child of course he doesn't have to worry about childcare, you're basically a single parent and the NRP never really does have to worry about the day to day care of their child, morally its wrong legally theres nothing you can do about it.

If you really are concerned about the financial situation you're in then you need to sit down and discuss it with your partner, so you are both equally contributing. However that isn't going to happen if you're living separate lives.

A2304 · 23/12/2021 07:31

Have you talked to him about your worries with money? I think if it was me I would talk to him about my worries and stresses about money to see what his response is as he should want to help and pay for his child's things, if you say these things he would hopefully offer to give you more money without you feeling awkward about asking and if he doesn't offer I would bring up how it's very unfair your whole life is changing and your now going to be struggling while his life isn't really changing much

Solasum · 23/12/2021 07:31

I don’t think it should change anything that you are together. The baby will still have expenses. He still needs to contribute properly.

You don’t have to go through CMS, but at the very least he should pay part of his salary as his contribution towards day to day costs, plus a fair contribution to one-off expenses, 50/50 as the target, or more if he is a much higher earner than you.

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/672432/how-we-work-out-child-maintenance.pdf

Use this as a starting point. You may also qualify for child benefit and tax free childcare.

Sidge · 23/12/2021 07:31

Of course he needs to contribute financially! This is his child too.

You need to be clear - “can we sit down and work out the finances now please? I want it sorted before baby arrives. How about you give me £xx per calendar month and we can review it in six months?” For example.

Just because you don’t live together doesn’t absolve him of any financial responsibility. Just sit him down and have the conversation. You’re going to need to be able to communicate effectively if you’re having a child together!

Original poster

sociallydistained · 23/12/2021 07:33

@Sidge

Of course he needs to contribute financially! This is his child too.

You're very right! Thank you. Money talk of any kind is a big issue for me but I have to be a grown up now for the childs sake!

OP posts:

HardbackWriter · 23/12/2021 07:35

At the absolute minimum he should pay the CMS maintenance, though I'd be very disappointed (and rethink the relationship) if that's all he wants to do

Ohbotherpiglet · 23/12/2021 07:38

“Rather than us trying to split everything down the middle I was thinking you should put x into bank account each week. It’ll be easier that way” and I would make x the equivalent of cms

motheroflions · 23/12/2021 07:46

OP, this arrangement is going to fall apart really quick when baby is here.

You also need to think about the support you are going to need when baby is here and you are shattered and exhausted.

You are effectively setting yourself up to be a single mother. Which is really tough. Can he really be a father if he is only visiting for a a couple of hours a day then trotting off to his little flat. Where will your support be in the small hours of the night if baby is ill and you are at breaking point? Resentment will absolutely set in.

I think he is having his cake and eating it here OP.

Solasum · 23/12/2021 07:58

I’d be looking at what his practical interaction with his other child is as that will give an indication of what you can expect.

My ex has always paid maintenance and extras. Most of the maintenance goes on replacing the contribution he would have made if living with us, so cleaning and childcare.

Goldbar · 23/12/2021 07:58

He should pay at least the CMS amount. If he's not willing to pay that as a bare minimum, I'd end the relationship and claim it through the CMS.

In all honesty, this relationship is unlikely to last if you're not living together. As @motheroflions said, you're establishing a dynamic of you doing and providing everything. Many men find it easy enough to ignore the children they live with, let alone the ones they don't. If he never lives with his child and establishes a responsible parental relationship, he's much less likely to see providing for them as a priority.

DarkCorner · 23/12/2021 08:08

Yanbu. He definitely needs to contribute regularly. Why should you scrimp and save while he doesn’t have to?!

We are in slightly similar situation (house each as DP works away, he tends to stay at mine 4-5 nights per week). He gives me £300 a month and pays half of baby DD’s childcare. He will also do a big food shop every now and then and buys some of DDs clothes. He always did loads of night wakings and at the weekends does maybe 75% of the baby care to acknowledge the fact I do more of it in the week. It leaves things tight for him financially and tbh it’s not the amount that’s important but the willingness and understanding that he needs to contribute.

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