Baby but living apart... Finances

[sociallydistained]

Should my partner who doesn't live here (so we both pay our own bills) give me a financial contribution to our baby/childcare weekly/monthly when it's born?

Not an ideal situation but here we are. Accidental pregnancy but very much wanted. We had no plans to live together (he would like to, me not so much). I have my own place but its too small for both of us and he rents a place, equally as small. I felt I had to move in and we tried to sort this when I found out I was pregnant but it wasn't happening and caused a lot of stress so I decided to stay here for at least a year and he will be here as much as needed (he lives down the road)

When I go on maternity (soon and I'm due V soon) my mat pay will just about cover all my bills leaving little to no money for much else. I have savings and I'm only taking 6 months so it won't be life or death but I am still stressed and worried and I have always earned a full time wage and bought my flat by myself and always paid my mortgage alone, so this is new territory for me.

My issue is that as we've not combined bills obviously my partner has his own bills to pay, he also pays child maintenance for one child already. But nothing changes for him even financially. I am planning to ebf so I will also do all the nights realistically and he works away a few times a week with work so he'll get some decent sleep too... I do feel slightly resentful but mostly because there's been no offer of a a financial contribution to me and I assume most of the cost will fall to me with the day to day care of our baby. I know partner will do food shopping for us but he won't need to buy nappies, wipes (I'm doing reusable) or milk in these shops so again not much changes for him. My bills will presumably be higher with me here a lot more and the washing machine running about 4x more with the babies washing and nappies.

I am also doing all of our childcare when I go back at 6 months, taking baby with me. This won't be easy at all and gives me no break but I am willing to make it work (nanny so not working from home or anything!) . I am going part time so will obviously not earn what I did before but as I don't need to pay for childcare would like a couple of days at home with just our baby. Partner obviously doesn't have to worry about any childcare costs but comments he makes have bothered me and he clearly doesn't take this into consideration. For example, I said about getting a new car seat for when I go back to work and then he can have the current one in his car but I had asked him to buy an isofix base for the current one for his car... he said why don't I not bother and I'll just have this one when you go back and I'll contribute towards your new one.... why would he not just get the isofix now and also offer to pay for the new car seat since I'm doing all of the childcare! Everything seems to be "let me know and I'll pay half". It really bothers me as I have paid out so much already for the baby as I know what we need I tend to buy stuff (whilst I'm earning!) and I've not asked him to pay anything as I assume he will buy stuff we need also and yet that hasn't really happened. He's paid about £150 towards things when I've paid for some things he's asked me the price and paid half.... but the big items such as pushchair or car seat I've not asked for any contribution as my family kindly gave me a generous donation for those.
I have build up a nappy stash buying nappies every now and then from early pregnancy. I bought the reusable wipes kit which was £35 and my family have got me bulk packets of disposables so he'll never have to worry about wipe and nappy costs (or formula all being well!)

I know a discussion needs to take place but I wanted peoples opinions on if I'm being unreasonable to expect a set amount from him a week/month? I'm just worried about being miserable on maternity leave with lack of freedom because I need to save on fuel etc or going to meet a friend for a coffee isn't financially viable. I also expect I'll be the one out and about noticing things baby needs and I dread having to ask him as and when if he can pay towards items. I know if we split he would be paying CM and I sometimes feel I'd be better of single where there's no negotiation 🤦🏻‍♀️😩

In fairness to the DP here, he wants them to move in together and it’s the OP who doesn’t.

OP said he will pay whatever she asks but she’s the one annoyed that she has to stipulate what he should pay.

OP is complaining that she’s going to be doing everything with the baby when actually this was her choice.

If you want equal parenting of this child then you need to move in together. If you don’t want to live with him then tbh it sounds as if you don’t really want to be with him and that you’re just together for the sake of the baby, in which case, just end the relationship and be a single parent with him having contact/paying maintenance.

Not wanting to live together when you’re individuals is one thing, personally I think that not living together when there are children in the mix has the potential to cause all sorts of issues, not least for the children who won’t see their parents as actually being together, and won’t see themselves as being part of an actual family.

You claim CMS, because you don’t live together!

DON’T give the baby his surname. Change you me own to one you can consider your family name if you must, instead of using one you feel is on ‘lease’ - YOUR baby, YOUR family name. You will regret that so much - having some name link name to a half sibling in a completely different family won’t give the baby a sense of belonging, but having a different name to your mum and that of a father you may never see certainly could help undermine it. Let your baby have the name of the family they live in.

@Skeumorph

You claim CMS, because you don’t live together!

DON’T give the baby his surname. Change you me own to one you can consider your family name if you must, instead of using one you feel is on ‘lease’ - YOUR baby, YOUR family name. You will regret that so much - having some name link name to a half sibling in a completely different family won’t give the baby a sense of belonging, but having a different name to your mum and that of a father you may never see certainly could help undermine it. Let your baby have the name of the family they live in.

Absolutely this. It will be much better if we can change this ridiculous trend of name of babies after their part-time fathers into everyone taking the mothers name. As in the vast, vast majority of the time, children grownup with their mothers.

Give the baby your name.

Sort out finance now. I like the idea of a new account you both pay into for baby expenses.

Work out now how often he is going to have baby on his own so you get a break / can go shopping on your own etc.

Of course he should contribute financially, he should also contribute physically/emotionally by doing half of everything for the baby. I understand you want to breastfeed but he should still be taking the baby so you can nap/recover etc.
In the event you may need a C-section or something like that he will need to be around to do everything for a couple of weeks, you need to make sure you have all of that fully mapped out so you aren't left to it all.
In 6 months you'll also start weaning on to solid food etc and that costs extra money, he will have to be contributing to that. Babies go through a lot of clothes etc which he will need to be buying/contributing to. Like you say, you'll be running the washing machine/dryer more, general household expenses will increase and he needs to be helping with that, the same as he would if he was living with you.
The baby is his, so is the cost of bringing the baby up and the amount of work he needs to do to help.
Good luck with everything x

I am in a very similar situation to you OP! (Which is nice as I hardly know anyone who has a baby with someone and doesn’t live them) I tally up baby’s costs per month and ask him for half (I averaged them out and he sends a set amount per month now) And then with big purchases I’ll ask for half of those too. If he ever refuses (which he hasn’t), I’d then apply for child maintenance which means he loses out.

Definitely look into universal credit to see if you qualify.
Work out CM and then ask him for that to be paid regularly on the understanding you won't ask for extra money. You can review this when your baby starts to overnight with him.
If he gets shirty about cm then apply direct to them as soon as baby born as I've read it can take 6 months to set up.

In regards to universal credit, you'll be entitled to some financial support as long as you have less than £16,000 in savings. Use a benefits calculator such as Entitled To or Turn 2 Us to find out how much. You can receive it regardless of whether you own your own home, you just won't get the housing benefit aspect of it. SMP is not enough to live on, especially when the payment amounts decrease after the 1st 6 weeks, so you will be entitled to support.

Sort out any finance now. Look at universal credit etc.

So he hasn't bought you a buggy? A cot? Baby clothes? bag? Etc. He either is stingy or oblivious

You've made things so much harder for yourself with your "I need to be independent and pay for everything"
You definitely need to have that talk now before baby arrives. Sort out a joint account for baby (as a PP mentioned) and you can use that for what ever you need. Ask for £300 a month but don't say "let's review it in 6 months" if you need more, ask for more. Takes two to make a baby.

He's got it made hasn't he?

He gets to stay in a relationship with you without any of the hard bits. So he can pop over for food, sex and company with you and cuddles with the baby but then piss off home for a decent night's sleep.

He doesn't have to contribute financially in any meaningful way as you will no doubt claim benefits as a single parent plus continue with your own work. So the taxpayer will pick up the slack and chummy will get to keep his money in his own wallet. He'll no doubt magnanimously offer to contribute half to things from time to time.

This has Cocklodger written all over it.

Why are women allowing men to get away with this shit?

Theres a line in S1 of "The Crown" where QE2 asks PP "are you in or are you out?"

Same with this guy. He needs to shape up, take responsibility, live with you and his baby and support you financially as a proper family unit. Or fuck off and then at least you can claim child support.

He should be paying half the cost of all the stuff you buy for the baby. Your families financial gift is to reduce what you are paying out not what he is paying.
He should pay 50% of all childcare costs when you go back to work.
He should pay you a fixed amount weekly/monthly 1. While you are on maternity leave 2. Throughout the baby/child's life. The amount paid for 1 should be higher than 2 to reflect your loss in earnings whilst giving birth & looking after a newborn.

Don't give the baby his name, take this opportunity to decide on the surname you want to be known as that has meaning for uou and use it for you both.

A decent father would offer some regular money towards the baby

If not, you should apply for child maintenance via CMS

Why should you shoulder everything for a child that you both created jointly

@Solasum

I’d be looking at what his practical interaction with his other child is as that will give an indication of what you can expect.

My ex has always paid maintenance and extras. Most of the maintenance goes on replacing the contribution he would have made if living with us, so cleaning and childcare.

He pays maintenance above CM privately arranged and half of childcare and other costs. Obviously has her regularly too more than every other weekend and this is why he couldn't just move in here as needed a space for his child to stay. We all spend time together and that will carry on when baby is here as would like a relationship between them.

I do have to reiterate this is my choice to stay where I am currently and partner will be staying here to support me I just feel it'll fall to me anyway initially with feeding.

@DarkCorner

Yanbu. He definitely needs to contribute regularly. Why should you scrimp and save while he doesn’t have to?!

We are in slightly similar situation (house each as DP works away, he tends to stay at mine 4-5 nights per week). He gives me £300 a month and pays half of baby DD’s childcare. He will also do a big food shop every now and then and buys some of DDs clothes. He always did loads of night wakings and at the weekends does maybe 75% of the baby care to acknowledge the fact I do more of it in the week. It leaves things tight for him financially and tbh it’s not the amount that’s important but the willingness and understanding that he needs to contribute.

Ok this is good to know someone else with a similar arrangement. My partner is not unreasonable at all and says stuff about providing for the baby etc I just am yet to see how it will work and I need to have a chat with him. I can imagine when babies born him casually saying I've set up a standing order for a x amount and being really casual about it but its my fear of asking what exactly it is 🤦🏻‍♀️

You need to claim child maintenance at the going rate. Surely living apart is a lot more expensive. Sounds like you want him to pay for your living expenses but without the hassle of him moving in.

@JustFrigginNameChange

I am in a very similar situation to you OP! (Which is nice as I hardly know anyone who has a baby with someone and doesn’t live them) I tally up baby’s costs per month and ask him for half (I averaged them out and he sends a set amount per month now) And then with big purchases I’ll ask for half of those too. If he ever refuses (which he hasn’t), I’d then apply for child maintenance which means he loses out.

If you ever want to chat do feel free to message me. It's a unique situation isn't it.

I just want to reiterate I have no worries about what sort of dad dp will be. I see him with his child and am perfectly confident in his parenting and the way he treats his ex. He is the type to pull his weight and already does despite not living here. He would do anything for me and the baby and I know that! If we were living together he would take care of all the rent at least. Unfortunately the housing situation was almost impossible here and the stress in pregnancy this caused was when I arrived at this decision. He was upset but understands and is willing to do whatever to make it work. He will take paternity leave of course and be here the entire two weeks taking care of me and the baby. I have no doubts he'll do everything besides feeding!

I needed this thread to get my own feelings down and realise I need to open the communication about money and that I'm doing the large share of things through choice. I do feel well supported at least!

@THisbackwithavengeance

He's got it made hasn't he?

He gets to stay in a relationship with you without any of the hard bits. So he can pop over for food, sex and company with you and cuddles with the baby but then piss off home for a decent night's sleep.

He doesn't have to contribute financially in any meaningful way as you will no doubt claim benefits as a single parent plus continue with your own work. So the taxpayer will pick up the slack and chummy will get to keep his money in his own wallet. He'll no doubt magnanimously offer to contribute half to things from time to time.

This has Cocklodger written all over it.

Why are women allowing men to get away with this shit?

Theres a line in S1 of "The Crown" where QE2 asks PP "are you in or are you out?"

Same with this guy. He needs to shape up, take responsibility, live with you and his baby and support you financially as a proper family unit. Or fuck off and then at least you can claim child support.

I have to stick up for him here because this decision was completely down to me being stressed during us looking for a place to live together. In that situation he was going to cover all of the rent (rent here at the moment is sky high double of our individual places). It was me that had to stop. He certainly isn't a cock lodger and that's through my choice as I won't let him move in 🙈 but when he's here he cooks cleans etc already. I know he will be an excellent father and he has reiterated I will have lots of time he'll have the baby whenever and he'll take over completely at weekends. I don't doubt him.

Assuming you don't have a great deal of savings, if SMP will be your only income, you will be entitled to UC when baby is born or - if you go on leave very late - when it goes down to £151.97pw after the first 6 weeks.