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Original poster

Help advice needed - ExH threatening me re CSA and CB

29 replies

Weeteeny · 22/12/2021 18:00

I have recently submitted a CSA case in order that my exDH finally pays some money towards supporting his DC.

He has literally just text me to tell me that because i have foolishly started this i am going to have to pay back approx 12k in child benefit and hahaha to me etc.

I receive the standard child benefit of £140 per month for 2 DC

When we separated 6 years ago we had a shared care agreement agreed in a minute of agreement (im in scotland) The agreement was vague just that we would share care . It started as 50/50 however the reality is that it was never really the case - more like 60/40 in my favour and then gradually increased more in my favour.

My younger son decided in Sept this year to cease contact with his father (long story but due to a physical assault and a catalogue of abusive behaviour that he disclosed). Prior to that he was seeing his dad approx 3 nights every second week.

My elder son still stays with his dad every second week for an average of 4 - 5 nights - he is over 16 and I think does this to keep the peace. His Dad can be coercive.

His Dad text him just before he sent me the text message asking to speak to him urgently - so I think has started something already or is trying to pressure DS1 to sign or agree something.

I cant speak to my exH as he is abusive - he has previously made veiled threats is any mention of support has been made. In the past 6 years he has not provided any support - eg as I receive the child benefit he believes this is enough to pay for every item they require, clothing , uniforms etc plus extra curricular things, school trips, duke of edinburgh, mobile phones etc - i am sure you get the picture.

i am really worried this could be true

I earn £35K a year - i dont know his salary when we were together it was around 45K i think.

does anyone know if this could be true? I am so worried, I scrape by as it is - though I appreciate my salary is decent.

I walked away with nothing from our marriage as to be honest i was scared of the repercussions , eg he has a 200k pension pot at that time which I didnt claim.

whereas he took everything , from cutlery out drawers to towels and bedsheets. i came home and the house had been cleared - this is the type of man who i am dealing with. He will stop at nothing and I am worried he is telling lies about our care arrangements ot even coorscing DS1 as we speak to move in with him permanently so in his eyes he doesnt pay a thing.

please help

OP posts:
Tigerwhocameforsupper · 22/12/2021 18:03

As he doesn’t live with you I don’t believe his salary has any impact on you claiming CB.

dementedpixie · 22/12/2021 18:06

Why would you have to pay anything back to anyone? The only time child benefit is paid back is when there is a higher earner in the family (earning £50k+) and its the higher earner that pays back some or all of the CB. Between £50 and £60k a proportion gets paid back and once you reach £60k it all gets paid back.

BingBongToTheMoon · 22/12/2021 18:07

No that’s not true.

dementedpixie · 22/12/2021 18:09

As your salary is below £50k and has been all the time then you wouldn't need to pay anything. If he earned over £50k during the CB claim when you were together then he'd owe the money not you

Tigerwhocameforsupper · 22/12/2021 18:09

@dementedpixie

As your salary is below £50k and has been all the time then you wouldn't need to pay anything. If he earned over £50k during the CB claim when you were together then he'd owe the money not you
^this!

He is talking bullshit to try and scary you.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 22/12/2021 18:11

Surely you know he is a bullshitting arsehole op? Continue with your claim.

Authenticcelestialmusic · 22/12/2021 18:13

If, when you were together, his income was over 50k ( including benefits in kind but deducting pension contributions) and his income was greater than yours. Then he should have called hmrc to pay back some or all of the child benefit.
The tax return asks do you earn more than your partner.
If he lied to you about his income and it was higher than 60k when you were together he may have more than justa maintenance to pay.

Alternatively he has told cms that you only have them part of the week and he is now claiming the child benefit too. Do you have cctv? If so I Would keep daily evidence of the children entering the house each evening and heading out for school/a walk/activities the next day. If you don’t have cctv I would take a picture each morning of them in front of breakfast tv showing the date and time and email to yourself. Other people may have a better idea on how to evidence time and date. Just keep evidence .

Original poster
Weeteeny · 22/12/2021 18:14

Thank you everyone. Am worried that he is coorcing my son to say that he has stayed with his Dad 50/50 for all this time and somehow he has been entitled to this money.

I try very hard not to involve my DC in any disputes or ever bad mouth their Dad but unfirtunetly the reverse is not true. He has previously told them I am a thief - not even sure why . As i say i walked awy withoiut a pannt to get away from him - however as we did have to sell the family home and lost equity - the story he tells is that i stole it

i am worried as to his latest mind games - eg i suspect he might tell DS1 son he wont be able to support him goinig to UNi etc. He already tries to divide my DSs as DS1 does not want to see him

OP posts:
Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 22/12/2021 18:15

My exh told my dc I was a prostitute!! Dc see waaaay through their df's... As difficult as it is they need to see the truth eventually..

Original poster
Weeteeny · 22/12/2021 18:17

I just text DS1 to ask if everythinmg is ok and he said we can talk when he gets home. he waqs heading christmas shopping however his Dad picked him up on the way saying he needed to speak to him urgently. i know the CSA contacted him today for the first time as i received texts from him - asking if i am scared etc

i just hate this constant feeling of nervousness and this is why i have never pursued previoulsy

sorry for my typos i am up to high do as my mum would say

OP posts:
Original poster
Weeteeny · 22/12/2021 18:19

Oh god Santa , that would be funny if it wasnt so outrageous! I think my 2 are beginning to see the truth without me , there are so many despicable things he has done though that i couldnt bring myself to tell them

OP posts:
Original poster
Weeteeny · 22/12/2021 18:21

Some good advice here, thank you. Authentic - that is interesting = he really is capable of anything

OP posts:
porridgecake · 22/12/2021 18:21

Speak to women's aid and Citizens advice. You need proper legal advice and they will be able to guide you.
Does he mean that he wants half the CB based on him having the DC 50/50 since you separated? That is probably what he is trying to bully your DS into saying. You would need to see what evidence you can produce to prove that he is lying.
I suggest you clarify exactly how your Dc's residence has been shared since the separation, what maintenance you have received from ex and then post in the legal section of mumsnet.

porridgecake · 22/12/2021 18:23

Keep all texts, emails etc. Avoid telephone conversations as far as possible. Follow up everything with an email.

dementedpixie · 22/12/2021 18:24

If he wanted CB at the time he could have claimed it himself. I doubt that they would take any from you to give to him if he didn't actually claim anything.

thingymaboob · 22/12/2021 18:47

But surely your DC won't lie to anyone about the amount of contact dates, especially if you explain what would happen if he did?

Original poster
Weeteeny · 22/12/2021 18:53

I am sure they wont knowingly Thingymabob - its just i know how twisted and persuasive he is that he would say something like sign this or your mum will be in a lot of trouble

Youngest DC has said they want nothing more to do with him and eldest has commnented to me that he thinks his Dad is the most delusional person he has ever met. He did not elabarote why but i know how determined exdh can be and i worry because of this

OP posts:
GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 22/12/2021 19:04

Haha you won't have to pay anything back op.

It's good you've gone via the cms, it'll take things out if your hands

Original poster
Weeteeny · 24/12/2021 14:49

Well as expected xDH has gone off on one.

He did indeed pick up DS1 and demand that he now stays with him 100% of the time and also that he assists in getting DS2 to speak to him. He told him that if he doesn't do this then he won't be able to pay for driving driving lessons, university, holidays etc.
DS1 came home and told me all this and said his Dad was very unhappy .he told his Dad he was not prepared to stay with him.anymore than he does already ( which is less than 50/50)
We had a chat and I apologised that he had been dragged into this situation as that wasn't my intention. I assured him that he would not lose out and in fact the reason I have contacted the csa is in order that I can afford every thing that they both need.

I told him a few things for the first time about our marriage which I don't know if was the right thing to do or not . Just the basics that I walked away with nothing as I knew this would be the reaction ,also that I ended the marriage as I felt that there were behaviours and things happening that gave both DSs a really poor example of what a marriage should be like.

He nodded and said that he remembered a lot.

He also said the fact that it's only now his Dad is trying to make up with DS2 is interesting.
DS1 is such a nice kid , I know he will not want to disappoint his Dad and his Dad will lay it on really thick and incessantly.

I told DS1 the reasons in detail why DS2 has chosen not to see his Dad. And that we have proof and admissions via text and writing even though his Dad now denies completely that he assaulted him.
He agreed that if his Dad has done these things to.him then he would most likely feel the same.

This was 2 days ago and there were more texts yesterday that he needs to speak to both boys urgently and don't tell.your mum. Both boys told me and I said it was up to them I'd they wanted to or not

DS1 must have told him.he couldn't meet him yesterday .DS2 has not replied.

DS1 joked to me Mum could you have started this after Christmas, which we all kind of agreed would have been better and laughed .

Today xDH has called.DS2 eight times and left 6 voicemail which he seems to anxious to even listen to. I know xDH is again demanding to meet both boys today and has called DS1 to get him to speak to DS2

DS2 incredibly anxious and I feel.so shit and so angry at xDH. The doorbell went and DS2 literally jumped out his skin and hid
The worst thing is DS2 said last night that he would rather commit suicide then see/stay with his Dad . I am.reassuring him that he is old enough to decide and also in the eyes of the law. The CSA gave a contact for support for children who have been impacted by emotional or physical abuse so I am definitely going to contact them as a result of DS2s comments.
Sorry just rambling on and not really sure why
Am just disgusted at xDH manipulation and the fact that only now when money is involved he is attempting to make amends with his youngest son.
Who by the way he physically assaulted (punched him twice in the head whilst drunk). But apparently only now he is willing to apologise ? And of course only if DS2 apologies first.
What a prize of a man

OP posts:
BitcherOfBlakiven · 24/12/2021 14:52

lol he is wrong

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 24/12/2021 14:54

At 12 and 14 my dc went nc with their df.. And older one signed a letter to benefits dept when exh continued to claim when ds was here full time. They found the guts to tell him to get stuffed. Your dc can too.

Elieza · 24/12/2021 14:57

Thankfully you are away from that arsehole. Is your divorce finalised?

He is shitting himself because he knows he will be asked to pay you a lot of money and will try every trick in the book to avoid that, including manipulating and upsetting his children. Because money is more important to him than his own kids.

I wouldn’t want to tell dc too much but sometimes a bit of the truth can do no harm. The only reason youve gone down this route is for them. If he was likely to pay for uni or driving lessons etc he’d have put his money where his mouth is my now. He hasn’t and surely dc can see this themselves and see past his carefully constructed lies.

Soontobe60 · 24/12/2021 15:01

This is awful for you and your boys. I think you were right to tell your eldest about his father, as hard as it will have been for him to hear it. They deserve the truth. I’d suggest that if he continues to make threats you contact the police. Try to have a good Christmas x

gonnabeok · 24/12/2021 15:06

Consider speaking to a solicitor.They can send him a letter regarding abusive texts/phone calls and tell him to stop or you will complain to the police of harassment. Grey rock him.I would only deal with him via email from now on. Screenshot all his messages etc from now on. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

He's only angry because of the money. He sounds like a prize bellend!

Report his behaviour to social services. If he is being emotionally abusive to the boys they have every right to decline to see him. Let the CSA deal with the claim.

JanglyBeads · 24/12/2021 15:07

Well done OP, it sounds like you are doing all the right things to protect the DC and yourself!

Ring women’s aid, possibly plus police and telling the boys’ school when term starts.

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