Anyone else who doesn't like their child?

[MillaRennt]

Just that, really. I don't like spending time with him. It's so repetitive and boring. The tantrums, the hitting, the biting, the sleepless nights, the constant, and I do mean constant, whinging. The clinginess, the never getting a moment to myself. It is so relentless, draining and ridiculously boring. Anyone else feel the same way? I find it hard to talk to friends about this since they claim they do enjoy parenthood and they think I might be depressed. I disagree. Whenever I'm at work, I feel like myself again. I'm happy, outgoing etc. But when it's time for pick up - I dread it. I genuinely don't enjoy spending time with my own child. I don't know how to change the way I feel about all of this. I have tried but am getting nowhere and I just find myself getting angrier every day because the constant crying / mess / hitting is driving me insane

How old is your child OP ?

No advice for you, op but I feel the same as you. You’re not the only one.

How old is the child?

It sounds as though you're stuck in a spiral of negativity. Your child will be picking up on the fact that you don't enjoy being with them, and this will cause further difficult behaviour.

You need to find something small that you can build on. Is there anything you enjoy doing with your child? Reading, cooking, nature walks, games? Is there something you're passionately interested in that you could begin to involve your child in? You need to find some way of breaking the cycle that the two of you are stuck in.

I wouldn't rule out depression, btw. It's very very common with young children, especially if there's sleep disturbance going on as well. It's not a failure to have depression and get treatment for it.

He just turned 2.

I agree with pp, he's picking up on how you feel, which will worsen his behaviour. I feel sorry for him.

God I think 2 is the most awful age -I could have just given my eldest away - it was so very very hard. But she improved a lot by 3 and now at 12 she is one of my favourite people to hang out with. The toddler phase is what stopped me having a 3rd (already had a 4 month old by the time I realised what the toddler years were like)

Hang in there OP - I coped by working (loved my commute), paid for childcare and spending as much time on my own as possible when DH was home

You say your friends “claim” to enjoy parenthood like you dont believe them. Honestly my little one is my favourite person to be with. I do not have the constant whinging, biting and tantruming that you mention though even when he was two. You need to work on getting rid of these behaviours. Do research in how to improve your childs behaviour. Maybe then you would enjoy it more.

Two is not always the easiest of ages, but the fact that you describe this as a constant feeling towards your child (rather than eg regular frustration/boredom, punctuated by moments of wonder and fulfilment and joy) seems to me as though something needs fixing. Wouldn't rule out depression, but also would look into what other triggers there might be for you, and what baggage you might be carrying from your childhood.

Your DC will behave 'worse' (clinging, whingeing, boundary-pushing) as a result of sensing your detachment, so you working out what's going on for you (or fake it til you make it, if that suffices) will eventually make everything much easier. Small children can be really tedious company- especially when you're tired, stressed, fed up etc - but your own small children are also delightful and adorable and enjoyable, too. And they are way more all of those things when they know they are accepted and welcomed and wanted and loved.

Good luck

I like my child, she’s a lovely kid, but no I don’t enjoy spending 12 hours with tantrums or not being able to do my own thing, having to constantly pay attention to someone else. 2yr olds are awfully time consuming and a bit mental tbh. Try focussed one on one time for 15 minutes, he will probably wander off to do his own thing for a bit then come back.

Honestly I think the early years are gritting your teeth and getting through it. I do empathise, I dread a whole day by ourselves (or even an hour tbh)but don’t let him feel it, it’s not his fault, he’s just being 2. I get it though, I’m stopping at 1, don’t have the patience to do this again.

I agree with the fake it till you make it suggestion, i have to do that a lot.

@StonewalledNameChange

Two is not always the easiest of ages, but the fact that you describe this as a constant feeling towards your child (rather than eg regular frustration/boredom, punctuated by moments of wonder and fulfilment and joy) seems to me as though something needs fixing. Wouldn't rule out depression, but also would look into what other triggers there might be for you, and what baggage you might be carrying from your childhood.

Your DC will behave 'worse' (clinging, whingeing, boundary-pushing) as a result of sensing your detachment, so you working out what's going on for you (or fake it til you make it, if that suffices) will eventually make everything much easier. Small children can be really tedious company- especially when you're tired, stressed, fed up etc - but your own small children are also delightful and adorable and enjoyable, too. And they are way more all of those things when they know they are accepted and welcomed and wanted and loved.

Good luck

How do you make the "fake it till you make it" last till the end of each day? Genuine question btw. I get up every day wanting to be better, wanting to do better, because I do think he deserves a much better mum than me. But it always ends up with me getting frustrated or annoyed because his behaviour is so full on all of the time. I think things seem more difficult as well because apart from when I'm at work, we are always together. I never get a break and haven't since he was born.

Oh dear. I am not going to judge but you need to find a way to break this cycle and only you can do it as you are the adult.

I honestly had days where I thought I was going to lose my mind but I never felt like I didn't like my kids themselves, and most days I was happy with my lot.

I agree with your friends that you may be depressed.

I understand this and feel like this too. I dread my day 'off' with my 3.5 year old and 1.5 year old. How do you know if you're depressed though?

I would really really recommend speaking to a parent infant psychotherapist. They won’t judge and will have lots of experience working with parents who feel just the same as you do.
Investing in your relationship now will have massive pay offs in the future.
parentinfantfoundation.org.uk/teams/locations/

If you never have any time off that will be a major factor. You really really need a break. I often didn't like my kid aged 2. It was a bad age. Got loads better ages about 3 to 3 and a half. I would also highly recommend doing some reading/listening to understand his behaviour and be able to respond in ways which improve it. Start with the Whole Brain Child (book) and Janet Lansbury's podcast Unruffled. Whenever I got too upset and frustrated with parenting, listening to her podcast gave me a reset. Little kids are so sensitive to the adult's behaviour and emotions, and it's so easy to get stuck in negative cycles.
But even if you can break the cycle, you still HAVE to have breaks. Good luck

There are parents who do not like their children, parents who will never love their children. I had two of those. I don’t know if OP is one of those parents, but I only know I feel sorry for that little boy. I would like to hold him and tell him everything will be all right, but as a two year old who had mother who felt everything OP felt, I can only say I’m very sorry for this little boy and I hope he has at least one person in his life who is happy ti be with him.

How do you make the "fake it till you make it" last till the end of each day?

Days are super long with small children, I agree. 😔
A mix of these -

• 15 mins 'proper' engagement (play their game, do something like painting/playdough/whatever drives you least crazy, I don't like the imaginary games so personally try to avoid those but ymmv - no phone, no distractions, no chores, just focus on them) - pays dividends compared to when they're fighting the dishes for your attention
• getting outside. Doesn't matter where, but bonus points if it actually works for you (I prefer the woods to the playground, for eg)
• do the simple jobs together. Cooking soup is boring, cooking soup with your toddler on a kitchen step helping chop is honestly at least no worse to doing it with them whining round the kitchen. You can get them to empty the washing machine on command etc.
• use the TV for a bit so you can zone out. I used to feel bad about this, then I realised that half an hour of cbeebies is much better than a grumpy resentful mummy who's been trying to be wondermum all day
• does he still nap? That breaks the day up if so (but leads to better opportunities for whole days out once he's dropped the nap, so pros to both)
• pretend you're on CCTV (yes I have done this...)
• vocalise ALL THE FEELINGS: "Oh, you're feeling frustrated with that puzzle... mummy's feeling tired... we're both a bit fed up, let's get some fresh air..." - just saying it out loud helps me really recognise it and see things in perspective, and empathise with my child rather than internalise an endless whinge.
• self-congratulation - notice the moments you do really well. Helps change your narrative about what the day is like, how good you are at this.

Maybe you do need a break though? Work is sort of a break but also not. You need nice things for you in your life too, no matter how hard they are to squeeze in.

1. try and get a break where you are having time to yourself with no where to be etc. So see if you can have someone take little one for a day, half day or even book annual leave if needed. Get some time away from the monotony. It will do wonders.

2. Try and get them out of the house. Take them to a park. Take a ball, scooter, snacks, drinks etc. Wrap up warm and get outside. It helps!

3. try and pick your battles in order to avoid tantrums. Eg. Does it actually matter if LO eats a cheese sandwich for breakfast, or wants their milk next it while cereal in another bowl? Decide, if this is the hill you want to die on... And save your will power for the non-negotiable eg brushing teeth etc.

4. lack of sleep is killer for both of you. Do whatever you can to get through the night for now. Remember, you're feeling angry, cross, upset, frustrated... because you're tired. This is how they are feeling,but are unable to regulate/control those emotions.

5. let them be angry and upset. Do not allow them to hit. Redirect their anger, try and get them to stamp it out/run round the garden etc. Show them how to do this "I'm angry too! I'm jumping up and down because I'm angry " etc

6. check their diet. Are they eating decent food?

7. don't expect magical Disney moments all the time. They'll come naturally, you'll be giggling over a slippery straw, or wearing a pair if pants on your head... remember those happy times.

8. check that you are spending GOOD one on one time together. Are you stopping doing the washing up to sit down and build a tower with them. There's always housework to do, bit they don't know that. Make a conscious choice to be with them, and let them direct the play. It's tedious,but much easier than trying to engineer a happy playtime by having preset ideas.

Finally, give yourself a break, being Mum is FUCKING HARD.

Also, check screen time. Make sure it's minimal. And not near the end if the day.

I think everyone's felt like this at some point. Mines 4 now and is an absolute joy to me.

@user1493494961

I agree with pp, he's picking up on how you feel, which will worsen his behaviour. I feel sorry for him.

I haven't read beyond this apart from wonder in what order the replies would come: 'How old is your child?'/' you sound like a bitch'; that one always from 'user38656745655' or whatever.

It's almost MN bingo.

I’ve had spells of feeing like this OP and I don’t feel remotely bad about it. It was earlier for me - DS was a hideously grizzly, grumpy, non sleeping, unsettled baby until he could walk and talk, when he had a bit of a personality transplant to the relatively easy character he is now. From 10-16 ish months of age I would have rather been in work 100% than with him. I dreaded my time off with him. I too was not depressed, just lost in the fog of a furious child.

I think the majority of kids have difficult phase(s) at some point and some kids are just damn more difficult for longer. Sure, there are things you can do to improve your child’s behaviour and hence your experience, but a lot of it really depends on their baseline - which is why comments like ‘my child never behaved like that therefore yours shouldn’t’ are far too simplistic.

It feels like drudgery now but he won’t be a 2 year old forever. My nephew nearly broke my SIL at 2 and he is now one of the most polite, charming 5 year olds you could meet. I hope you can keep swimming until it gets easier and take all help you can.

Not having a break won't do you any good. Is your DC's dad around or any close family who can help?

I felt like this when mine was 2. I remember when it got near to the time where I’d be picking up from nursery and I would start feeling so tense. Then people used to tell me to have a nice afternoon or a nice day off and it used to make me so annoyed. I’d much rather have been at work. I dreaded being at home.
As obvious as it is to say, it doesn’t last forever. I think one of the main things is not to feel bad about how you feel. Otherwise you’re feeling doubly bad! If you can increase your hours at work or get a some childcare when you’re off work I think that might be a good coping strategy.
Even though I felt this way I think I’m a great mum and my DS is the light of my life now. It doesn’t last forever. Some children are more difficult than others, I doubt your feelings are the cause of the behaviour

I don't know anyone OP who would actively choose the company of a two year old. Or a three year old tbf. My favourite age so far is 4. You've got to grin and bear it, it will pass x