Page 2 | Anyone else who doesn't like their child?

shreddednips · 20/12/2021 20:43

2 is a really difficult age. I've had days when I've really felt like I can't make it to bedtime with my DS, but I've never felt like that for long periods. It does sound like you probably need some input from an expert, perhaps it is linked to depression especially if you're very tired.

Just some practical advice that works for me with a 3-year who is very high energy and wants lots and lots of my attention:

-exercise as soon as possible in the morning on days off or straight after pickup chills my kid out a bit and it makes us both feel better to get outside. Plus they can't make a mess in the house when they're not in it. My DS needs a long walk/run in the park with a ball at least once a day or he's miserable. He has a little handbag to collect ' treasures' and it breaks up the day

-if he needs lots of attention, it might help to give him a bit of your undivided time before he gets to the whiny stage. I think PP already mentioned it but I make sure I sit down with him to do a puzzle or read a book or something regularly throughout the day and then he's happy to let me get on with a few bits. I vaguely remember being told as an NQT that giving children attention before they start seeking it makes them feel secure

-make a cup of tea then pop him in the bath while you sit on the loo and supervise/have a chat with him. I find that a few minutes sitting down with a cup of tea makes me feel much better

-maybe try getting him involved in stuff around the house so that he feels like he's getting attention while you're getting on with the stuff you need to do anyway. Even very little children can learn to pass you clothes for folding etc and he might enjoy the time chatting while you do it

Sorry if any of this sounds totally obvious but it really wasn't to me when I was struggling. You also need to have some time to relax and catch up on sleep, is there anyone who can help you?

JennyForeigner · 20/12/2021 20:50

Do you drive? Do nap times in the car, or just an hour long drive to break up the day.

We learned parenting survival from watching my mum, a lifelong primary teacher. She constantly directs attention, asks questions and gently tires out DS' brain and it shows in his behavior. Then we hired a brilliant nanny with all the same tricks.

Experience tells. IMHO hand over as much of the hard bit as you can to the professionals when they are this age, and enjoy the evenings more for feeling the time isn't long enough rather than the reverse.

PermanentTemporary · 20/12/2021 21:01

I found the biting incredibly hard to take- after all, who else bites you, in a way that really hurts, that you're then supposed to be really nice to and love? It meant I struggled to relax with ds in my arms because I knew he'd go for my collarbone or my neck.

I can't remember whether we managed to change it somehow or if it just stopped with time. I think if that one thing could be improved, you might start to see a light. Because it does get better.

I enjoyed spending time with other mums and their children more than I liked hanging out with ds on his own at that time. Luckily ds was quite sociable.
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Verbena87 · 20/12/2021 21:06

How long each day are you spending outside? I notice the biggest difference in behaviour (mine and my kid’s) if we’ve not had a good chunk of the day outside moving (walk, gardening, park, whatever).

LarryandLeon · 20/12/2021 21:06

I find on these type of threads there will always be people that use a variation of ‘happy mum equals happy baby’ when the OP is finding parenthood tough. I found it very unhelpful when people said this to me. It made me feel guilty for having pnd. And in any case it works both ways, if you have a compliant, easygoing baby/ toddler then you are likely to be happier as a parent. They all have different personalities & some are more challenging than others.
OP maybe you’ll hate this stage but you’ll be awesome when they they’re a teenager. Every age/ stage brings different challenges & we won’t necessarily be suited to every stage.

Original poster

MillaRennt · 20/12/2021 21:18

@megletthesecond

Not having a break won't do you any good. Is your DC's dad around or any close family who can help?

No family support. And no, he's not. He left us when DS was two weeks old. Not seen him since.

OP posts:

Original poster

MillaRennt · 20/12/2021 21:18

Thanks for the suggestions everyone.

OP posts:

Muststopeating · 20/12/2021 21:26

@Hariboqueen1

You say your friends “claim” to enjoy parenthood like you dont believe them. Honestly my little one is my favourite person to be with. I do not have the constant whinging, biting and tantruming that you mention though even when he was two. You need to work on getting rid of these behaviours. Do research in how to improve your childs behaviour. Maybe then you would enjoy it more.

Do research???!!! Hahaha nice! The naivety of a parent of an only child PFB.

I felt like this about my first. Easy, obedient, well mannered toot. My second is a holy terror! And I am queen of bloody research but am yet to find a solution! I love the bones off him but he drives me demented. My third is already a different character again.

OP, I sort of know how you feel, I hate the being climbed on, whinged at, tantrums etc etc. Do you find any moments of joy. When they do something funny, sweet, snuggle up with you (even if briefly)?

Also, I know you haven't asked for advice but mine are infinitely worse when hungry or tired or overloaded on sugar.

pollypokcet · 20/12/2021 21:32

Sometimes I feel this way about my nearly 4yo. It's the crying and whining I cannot hear

Invest in some airpods etc.

You can deal with the tantrums without getting annoyed and frustrated. Just listen to music/radio/YouTube and drown it out while they're having a meltdown.

Obviously don't ignore completely but I find it calming when I'm talking and trying to reason with DC, to have that background noise

ItTakesTwo121 · 20/12/2021 21:35

God I could've written this myself today! My son is nearly 3 and I'm finding life so difficult. I've been locked in my bedroom crying as it's the 5th night in a row of a relentless bed time after another whole day of screaming, crying, tantrums and 100 times sat on the step to time out.
I've said to my mum today I feel close to a break down. Bed time just topped me over the edge. Husband is currently sat trying to settle him.

I feel like an awful mother who doesn't deserve a child. I love him so much it hurts my heart, but I'm just not a good mother. He deserves the world not a mother who has to talk myself out of bed everyday as I know what's in store.

No advice for you as I can't even help myself, but wanted you to know you're not alone

Mumoblue · 20/12/2021 21:46

I’m sorry that you feel that way, OP. I really think you should be talking to someone professional about how you feel, and I hope you can get some more support.

I think it’s normal to feel frustrated at times, but I think you should be able to enjoy your child.
Mine is the same age and I’m also a single mum, so I know it’s hard, but I do like him.

Shewholovedthethebanhills · 20/12/2021 21:46

Please do try to talk to someone. This isn’t your fault and it can get better but it is unlikely to just happen. My mother didn’t like me - she had PND and never bonded with me - it was awful for me and I can now see it was awful for her. She justified it but it clearly ate away at her at some level.

Winterfruits · 20/12/2021 21:51

I adore my 12 month old but I don’t massively enjoy evenings with him as he’s tired and difficult and you can’t really do anything meaningful with him.

I adore taking him to baby classes and for walks in the park and soft play but after a day in nursery … NO!

Peppaismyrolemodel · 20/12/2021 22:05

@MillaRennt

Just that, really. I don't like spending time with him. It's so repetitive and boring. The tantrums, the hitting, the biting, the sleepless nights, the constant, and I do mean constant, whinging. The clinginess, the never getting a moment to myself. It is so relentless, draining and ridiculously boring. Anyone else feel the same way? I find it hard to talk to friends about this since they claim they do enjoy parenthood and they think I might be depressed. I disagree. Whenever I'm at work, I feel like myself again. I'm happy, outgoing etc. But when it's time for pick up - I dread it. I genuinely don't enjoy spending time with my own child. I don't know how to change the way I feel about all of this. I have tried but am getting nowhere and I just find myself getting angrier every day because the constant crying / mess / hitting is driving me insane

Work out where you are ‘best mum’ and go there- for me it was soft play- plenty to do, adults watching forced me to be more patient, other children a distraction for my kids etc- Best advice given to me was: find a way to only parent for the time you are an adequate parent. Get a job for the rest of it- your kids will thank you for this

anothermamaa · 20/12/2021 22:18

OP I could have written your post a year ago. I was diagnosed with severe PND (late diagnosis) and I started on SSRIs and it changed my life and my relationship with my son completely. As a couple of pps have said, I'm convinced he was picking up in my negativity towards him and we got stuck in this awful spiral. For me it took medication to break it, I'm not saying that's what you should do, but just using myself as an example that it is possible to break this cycle. Don't get me wrong, I have moments every day where I find parenting a toddler difficult, frustrating and exhausting, but we have fun together and I get so much joy out of our relationship. I really miss him when we're not together .It actually feels like a relationship now, and not just a drain on my whole self. He's 2 yrs 7 months.

TheOldLadyOfThreadneedleStreet · 24/12/2021 10:53

Things we did to help when we had toddlers were

Nursery / childcare
Arrange at least a few hours regularly every week to do your own thing - with DP or family or friends looking after DC
Having a clear routine which included getting out the house a lot for shopping, 𝕄𝕦𝕞-and-baby groups, walks, playgrounds, visit friends and family. Mine loved going on the bus.
Having short play sessions with toddler getting full attention regularly - mine loved singing and dancing games, hopscotch, musical instruments, finding things with me, copying each other, just being silly really & let them choose what they want to do most the time
regular quiet play on their own too, with books and toys , just for a while
Doing what needs to be done around the house slowly with toddler helping / playing close by
Water play - if DS was having an awful day, run a bath and let him play in it for ages, this often worked for me
Put to bed early - if DS was having a bad afternoon, bring bedtime forward by 30 minutes/ an hour - this worked a treat for DS who would sleep to the same time the next morning even if put to bed an hour early!
A bit of tv, not loads, but 30 minutes as you prepare dinner for example
Address bad behaviour like biting, hitting, etc., every single time, even if it means leaving a group or a friend’s house early. Agree a way of dealing with tantrums with your DP and stick to it. If DS was safe I ignored tantrums completely, obviously you can only do this if your DC is in a safe environment
My DS was a nightmare if his eat / sleep routines were disrupted, so I paid a lot of attention to ensuring he wasn’t too tired / hungry, it really helped keep him much easier to live with and really reduced hitting and kicking, and tantrums. My DD was a much easier baby / toddler and could cope with dinner being 15 minutes late, DS couldn’t - so this may be irrelevant for you
Regular bedtime routine, same time every day, Bath, milk and stories, teeth, cot / bed, couple of songs and cuddle, leave….and relax

Dorismargaret · 24/12/2021 11:00

" I think things seem more difficult as well because apart from when I'm at work, we are always together. I never get a break and haven't since he was born."

OK here's where the work needs to be done. Do you have a partner? Or family member or even babysitter that could have them regularly...something like 1 hour a week so you can relax on your own or go to a yoga or exercise class? It sounds like you're resenting your child because you're not getting enough down time.
If you have a partner you should be sharing the bedtimes so you can have some down time.

caringcarer · 24/12/2021 11:08

Little children are always easier to manage if you physically wear them out a bit to use up their energy, like going for a walk , to the park or to see as animals, city farm or countryside. Chat to him, ask him what can he see, Collect leaves or something with him. I hope your son has someone who truly loves him and wants to cuddle with him. If not it will affect his behaviour going forward as an adult. Is his Dad around? I think you need to have a chat with your health visitor. Maybe you are depressed and need medication. Your son needs love and warmth in his life. I always found the more love and attention you give the better they behave. They act up to get attention if not getting enough.

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