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Original poster

How do you rise above comments on your parenting by grandparents?

44 replies

AdmiralOrangeroo · 18/12/2021 20:08

I'm anticipating Christmas! My mother will often make remarks along the lines of "you just let him do this" or "you shouldn't do this" or, to the kids, things like "oh you got what you wanted didn't you?" which is a direct dig at me 'giving in' to them. Or if they don't behave perfectly she'll "hmmm". She is totally hands off herself, just judges from afar. If I get annoyed and say something it's not worth it as she will get angry with me and make things unpleasant. So how do I breeze past these comments and stop them getting to me? Any ideas?

OP posts:
Fallagain · 18/12/2021 20:14

Tell she has had her turn to parent and now it’s your turn and you will do what you think is right for your children.

Original poster
AdmiralOrangeroo · 18/12/2021 20:44

That's exactly how i feel but it's not worth saying anything because it doesn't end well

OP posts:
HardbackWriter · 18/12/2021 20:47

If you want to/feel you must see her and don't feel able to say anything then your only option is indeed to rise above it. Maybe try having a way that you can mentally tell her to fuck off - I remember a MNetter once saying that she writes 'f off' on the roof of her mouth with her tongue in this kind of situation' - or some sort of mantra you internally repeat while smiling sweetly outwardly?

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Original poster
AdmiralOrangeroo · 18/12/2021 20:51

That is so great Grin I will try that

OP posts:
Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 18/12/2021 20:54

Stop stressing dm and be glad he/she is my dc and not yours...

RandomMess · 18/12/2021 21:35

How about "shall we just go home if you don't enjoy us being here?"

Seriously is it worth going?

Original poster
AdmiralOrangeroo · 18/12/2021 21:45

We're the hosts Confused

OP posts:
RandomMess · 18/12/2021 22:58

Urgh stop inviting them 🤣

It's just horrible isn't it Sad

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/12/2021 23:01

@AdmiralOrangeroo

That's exactly how i feel but it's not worth saying anything because it doesn't end well
Can you have a heart to heart? Tell her it makes you sad and you want to spend happy time with her.
Tee20x · 18/12/2021 23:08

I just say "ok" Smile. Literally like that. With the fakest of smiles and start thinking about things I need to do, compile shopping lists. In one ear and straight out the other content with the fact that I won't be taking the unsolicited advice.

You'll sometimes find that just saying ok and not engaging shuts them down.

Justmuddlingalong · 18/12/2021 23:12

"Oh mum, give it a fucking rest" worked for me.

LifeAdvice · 18/12/2021 23:15

Just agree with her, but do nothing about it. So “You shouldn’t let him do that”, “No, I shouldn’t, more ham, Mum?”

Or “You got what you wanted”’ to the kids, “you sure did, didn’t you munchkin! Another sherry, Mum?”

If she is commenting passively through the kids, do it back. She’ll then have the same frustration you do now - she can’t call you on it, as you can say you were joking, but she knows what you mean, because items exactly what she was doing.

It takes a certain brisk nature and lightness of tone to carry this off, so maybe practice a few times in advance.

LifeAdvice · 18/12/2021 23:16

*Items = it was

RedToothBrush · 18/12/2021 23:22

Its Christmas. I don't care.

NotDonna · 18/12/2021 23:36

I have a mother just the same as you. My children are no longer children but she still does it and does it to them too. Just a negative person & enjoys disapproving of everything. I’m always in the wrong and trying to discuss it rationally doesn’t work. We’ve had a couple of rows about it in the past and she’s stomped off, yelling & bitching. It’s not worth it. You can either not invite them. We rarely have them over. We’ve considered going ‘no contact’ but with covid it’s been very easy to go super minimal. Then, as LifeAdvice suggests either let her comments wash over you and ignore or better still agree. I get the most from agreeing. It’s quite disarming and she has nowhere to go with it. The sad thing is my girls have lived with these snide remarks for over 18 years and they don’t like her. Dread her visits and would never choose to visit her. She’s seriously alienated herself. So…

Goldbar · 18/12/2021 23:37

Why do you have to invite her?

Do you have a cupboard under the stairs? Every time she makes a comment, imagine gagging her and stuffing her in it for the whole of Christmas day.

Original poster
AdmiralOrangeroo · 19/12/2021 07:53

I've woken up to some great advice here, thank you. I'm definitely going to practice that lighthearted tone I need. Solidarity to those in similar situations ✊

OP posts:
Original poster
AdmiralOrangeroo · 19/12/2021 07:55

@MrsTerryPratchett it would be good if I could do this but she's one of those people who won't ever accept they're in the wrong and who will get angry rather than listen in a situation like that so I've learned that I just need to develop coping mechanisms that let me breeze past it and not take it on as @LifeAdvice suggests. But I haven't managed to do that yet!

OP posts:
myyellowcar · 19/12/2021 08:05

OP I feel you, you have my sympathies. Mine will critique all day long and if you even try to gently rebuff her she will just go nuclear playing the victim saying ‘after all I do for you’ blah blah.

I just tend to stare at her and say ‘right’. And bathe in the knowledge that we are not close precisely because my parents were disproportionately strict and weirdly selfish when I was a child.

SportsMother · 19/12/2021 08:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SportsMother · 19/12/2021 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AdmiralOrangeroo · 19/12/2021 08:14

Facing it down just isn't an option as she will react exactly as myyellowcar describes below. It's just not worth it because I always end up having to apologise and make things right or it will be continued on forever so better to fold sooner rather than later! Even when I'm not in the wrong! It will be days of trying to keep the Christmas peace

OP posts:
SamMil · 19/12/2021 08:20

I would probably limit contact. I don't have the patience for that Blush

RandomMess · 19/12/2021 08:37

My parents were critical my entire life I ended up very low contact as spending time with them badly affected my MH so much. I also wanted to protect my DC from having their preferences, hobbies, desires and existence criticised!

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 19/12/2021 08:39

I just tell her to fuck off and then carry on with what Im doing.