How do you rise above comments on your parenting by grandparents?

[AdmiralOrangeroo]

I'm anticipating Christmas! My mother will often make remarks along the lines of "you just let him do this" or "you shouldn't do this" or, to the kids, things like "oh you got what you wanted didn't you?" which is a direct dig at me 'giving in' to them. Or if they don't behave perfectly she'll "hmmm". She is totally hands off herself, just judges from afar. If I get annoyed and say something it's not worth it as she will get angry with me and make things unpleasant. So how do I breeze past these comments and stop them getting to me? Any ideas?

I used to grit my teeth. My son is 19 now and he's autistic.
The number of relatives who thought I could discipline the autism out of him was beyond annoying. I grew a very thick skin over the years. Now he's 19 it's clear he wasn't "like all the other kids" and they have gone silent.

My niece (mother of a two year old) is also growing a thick skin....her son is not autistic but she's still getting it all wrong according grandparents . She's not, she's an amazing Mum and he is gorgeous.

Here's what DH and I did about this. We created our own version of bingo!

Before Christmas, each of us got to choose two phrases, and whenever one of them came out of my PIL's mouths the person who 'owned' that phrase got a point. Highest number of points when they went home was the winner.

It was brilliant! It meant that whenever that predictable and annoying phrase came out, instead of silently fuming, I was thinking 'yes! Another point for me!'.

And yes, in case you're wondering- I won!!

@SportsMother your response is totally correct and valid but with people like my mother she just doesn’t have the insight to see that she is wrong. Because she believes she’s never wrong she thinks she’s got the god given right to spread her opinions all the time. So she would never reflect on her own behaviour because in a twisted way she genuinely thinks she is being helpful in her wanky comments.

All that pointing it out to her does is set the scene where I am the bad guy, ungrateful, the rude one, where in her mind the point is proven, I’m responsible for all the resulting conflict and the atmosphere is even worse. And she won’t capitulate because after all, she’s right.

OP I personally limit contact, I don’t visit or have them visit on Christmas Day, I’ll tolerate it another day. If I were you I’d ‘come down with covid’ PDQ if it doesn’t snooker your other plans too badly.

I’ve also surrendered to the fact it’s not my job to teach another adult how to behave, especially not on Christmas Day. And I try really really hard to not behave like her.

@Tarahumara

Here's what DH and I did about this. We created our own version of bingo!

Before Christmas, each of us got to choose two phrases, and whenever one of them came out of my PIL's mouths the person who 'owned' that phrase got a point. Highest number of points when they went home was the winner.

It was brilliant! It meant that whenever that predictable and annoying phrase came out, instead of silently fuming, I was thinking 'yes! Another point for me!'.

And yes, in case you're wondering- I won!!

Literally brilliant, I’ll be doing this!

MIL for me.. the stupid comments said with a smile. Difference is now I've got 2 kids I just answer back.. I'm 38 years old and not being treated like a teenager. Roll on boxing Day.

Good luck @myyellowcar! You've got this!

I'm sorry your dm us like this.why do you have to see her? It sounds hateful.

My MIL is PA but not nasty. I understand its going to bother you more if there is nastiness.

Try to think that people can only make you feel bad if you let them. It might help you develop a thicker skin.

If you aren’t able or not willing for whatever reason to stand up to her ideally you may want to consider limiting contact.

She’s essentially bullying you with her behaviour.

No solutions. It sending sympathy because we have the same and it's totally toxic

My mum is exactly this. I've never met anyone so negative and the tragedy of it is is that I thought that was normal til I left home. I couldn't believe other people were so positive about things (or just normal) and it took me ages to reset.
When faced with any good news or just news my mum will immediately say something negative 'mum, we're getting married' 'well weddings cost the earth now a days, you can't afford it' 'mum I'm pregnant again' ' far too soon to your first one being born, you'll never manage' etc etc. I counteract it now by listening to whatever negative thing she has to say then replying in slightly wry tone ' and what's the positive thing you have to say about it? Anything nice at all?' It sometimes works and she sometimes gets huffy. I'm learning not to care either way.
With parenting comments I chick it's back to her ' you should get the girls (teens) to do this or that ' 'they shouldn't be doing that' my response is ' yep, how practically should I do that?' She never has the answer and I just let it hang until she changes the subject.
It's exhausting for sure. We do the bingo thing too as a way of getting through it. We also apply it to our teens who can be similarly testing! It does help!

I think the context is so important, is this a small irritation in other wise lovely relationships?

I have wonderful friend who drives me mad for about five minutes on dc and he doesn't even have any! I bite my tongue and change subject.

However it's a strong relationship.
My in laws have never done anything but judge.
There is no relationship there and dh doesn't get on with them so we actually don't see them anymore at all.

MIL often used to comment on my parenting. I then bit one day and told her I live with the product of her parenting every day so I’d rather do it my way if you don’t mind.

"I love you. Thank you for your views. I'm not going to do it that way", calmly, lovingly, on repeat and never angrily. Also, straight in the eyes. Start practicing now.

Lady cluck, great reply.

Sometimes people don't want to be upsetting and don't realise they are doing it.
I would want my dc to tell me if I'm being like this.

Occasionally it works to just have a massive flob out and yell at her to stop criticising and how it makes you feel. A friend did that and never got a peep from her mil again. Could backfire though.

"Mum, its Christmas Day. Save it for another time please"

(And of course for the other times you have style great advice here)

My mum is so fab dd1 her first grandchild and just would not sleep. She came up to stay to “sort this out” as the 3 of us were good sleepers as babies. After night three she admitted defeat didn’t know what to do and left us to it. She never once after that got involved in parenting except to say how great we are!

I don't even have children and my DM does this. The agreeing strategy works really well!

Yesterday we watched the Strictly Final just for her. She knows DH and I would not have watched it - DH in particular would rather have stuck pins in his eyes and hid in our bedroom for 2 hours. So afterwards it was our choice.

We watched Madonna on BBC2. Or tried to, with a background of 'She looks awful, she can't sing, what is this rubbish'. Eventually she went for 'Are you enjoying this?' and I said 'Yes, if you're not you can go to bed'

She was stunned into silence and we had peace.

Apparently she didn't know I like Madonna she fucking did and gave me a Tina Turner tape not by accident in 1986 when I asked for True Blue

"Mother, I know exactly what you were like as a parent, I was there! You weren't perfect either" shut my mother up.

Incidentally she was a wonderful mother, just not perfect, but snide comments deserve snide back.